Am I Simply Being Gullible?

[justjoinedtopost]

And as a reminder. I never saw her naked. Nor did we ever talk about sex or flirt.

Do you view this as a positive? Or are you sharing it as further evidence of the extent to which you were victimized?

Very intrigued by this part.

 

[JGenius]

Yes, I know is seems contrived. That no one would be such a fool. But I am here as an example of how love can become obsession. And when that obsession is used against you the results can be tragic. So I appreciate all of you who make sure to draw the line between fantasy and real. Mine blurred the line on purpose. Because she read me very well. Went so far as to pepper her apartment with pictures of me (that I sent her at her request) - including one of my mother (again at her request). She sent me a photo with all the pictures arranged in frames I guess to substantiate her love for me. Probably took an hour of work removing the original pictures from the frames. Also, she purchased a necklace with my name on it which she showed me in a picture once. Although I doubt she ever wore it again. So she worked hard at her deception. And I was easily appeased of all my fears. And she would introduce these facts when my patience was getting thin. But through all of this I did all the bleeding. And she just gave me words. And as a reminder. I never saw her naked. Nor did we ever talk about sex or flirt. I was there to give her time to recover from a place she told me that she hated. And now, I don't even know if that was true. I know nothing now. Just pain. And loss. And embarrassment. And am not sure whether baring all on line is a sign of strength or my own stupidity since many have taken shots at me when I was simply being honest.

Sounds like you have a lot to say about that story.
Maybe you should write it on paper and burn it after.
It can be a good way to help you start a new life.

 

[LivingInMyth]

Good question. Not sure what I meant. From day one, she told me she had been raped and that both her parents were killed when she was 5. Later recanted mother's death and rape, then told me later that rape was true. From day one, I saw her as a victim and so I did not want her to be victimized anymore. And she told me she hated what she was doing. And had to do it for the money. So I protected her. And did not ask to see her naked. Obviously, my original intent was on a show - but that got deflected in early conversation. Positive or negative? I guess it depends. If she truly needed the break from the others then I guess it was a positive for her. It also, I think, helped make this seem like a relationship rather than a transaction (although I was still paying for the service.) I was her protector. That is what I wanted to be for her and she helped to perpetuate the myth. So she played the role of victim. And I played the role of hero. And I certainly was a victim. Just not so sure that she was one as well.

 

[LivingInMyth]

Sounds like you have a lot to say about that story.
Maybe you should write it on paper and burn it after.
It can be a good way to help you start a new life.

I have written all that can be written on this subject. Over the last 16 months, I have written 1250 poems about this experience. Most of them about doubt, struggle, love, and feeling like I was doing all the work. I just published them (as a present to my girlfriend) and was going to send her them for Christmas. And the writing, kept me from slitting my wrists. Because I was in a lot of pain. Both financial because of all the time and money spent with her, and my stubborn belief that she was suffering (and the continual worry that there was nothing I could do). I remember on the days I had no money, feeling guilty that I could not save her from the rest. And she would text me about her private sessions to further fuel my guilt. And she would tell me that I had abandoned her in her time of need. And so I would take out loans, or run up all my credit cards to keep her from the rest. And I do not know if she truly hated what she was doing, or simply articulating that to me - in order to get me to spend more time online so she could eat and sleep.

 

[Val Vega]

You seriously need to get off here and focus on righting your life. You have serious issues that need to be worked out. Commiserating on here isn't going to get you any closer to what you need. Find an outlet that will actually lead you to some real catharsis. Whether that is therapy or getting invested in new activities that are more healthy, like a hobby of some sort.

 

[LivingInMyth]

You seriously need to get off here and focus on righting your life. You have serious issues that need to be worked out. Commiserating on here isn't going to get you any closer to what you need. Find an outlet that will actually lead you to some real catharsis. Whether that is therapy or getting invested in new activities that are more healthy, like a hobby of some sort.

I am two days from the great reveal. And I am reeling in sadness and despair right now and answering posts here keeps me from self destruction. So yes, there are better outlets for my real catharsis but for now I am looking for distraction. And this is as good a place as any to distract myself from truth.

 

[Sevrin]

And did not ask to see her naked. Obviously, my original intent was on a show - but that got deflected in early conversation.

Not that this will save you money, but I'd rewind that shit, make a new account, buy some tokens and get that girl naked so that you can get over that whole Sir Galahad thing you have going on.

 

[JGenius]

I have written all that can be written on this subject. Over the last 16 months, I have written 1250 poems about this experience. Most of them about doubt, struggle, love, and feeling like I was doing all the work. I just published them (as a present to my girlfriend) and was going to send her them for Christmas. And the writing, kept me from slitting my wrists. Because I was in a lot of pain. Both financial because of all the time and money spent with her, and my stubborn belief that she was suffering (and the continual worry that there was nothing I could do). I remember on the days I had no money, feeling guilty that I could not save her from the rest. And she would text me about her private sessions to further fuel my guilt. And she would tell me that I had abandoned her in her time of need. And so I would take out loans, or run up all my credit cards to keep her from the rest. And I do not know if she truly hated what she was doing, or simply articulating that to me - in order to get me to spend more time online so she could eat and sleep.

Don't write poem. Just write the truth without using great formula.

 

[AudriTwo]

Not that this will save you money, but I'd rewind that shit, make a new account, buy some tokens and get that girl naked so that you can get over that whole Sir Galahad thing you have going on.

Nah that broad has "earned" enough from OP. He doesn't need to be going on camsites.

 

[papichulo80]

Commiserating helps as long as you don't just replace the "relationship" with grieving it.
Look at things you are saying. Its whacked. Take those things and contextualized them with someone you met in a conventional way. None of.it holds up. You have to accept that you were trying to.buy affection and attention. For the same reason everyone on cam sites is. Its easier. In a real relationship those things have to be given freely and earned over time. Go to a camsite drop some dollars and you're guaranteed the semblance of both.

 

[LivingInMyth]

Not that this will save you money, but I'd rewind that shit, make a new account, buy some tokens and get that girl naked so that you can get over that whole Sir Galahad thing you have going on.

I don't plan on getting even. And maybe she wouldn't even care if she new that it were me. And it probably wouldn't help with the Sir Galahad thing anyways. Because I don't think that it is necessarily bad. I simply took too far in one direction and should of demanded something in return along the way. Had I demanded that she find a way to contact me outside of work (or to meet) as proof of her love I would have left long ago. I always felt guilty demanding that she prove her love for me. And that was my mistake. For while relationships aren't usually 50/50 they shouldn't be 100/0.

 

[AudriTwo]

I don't plan on getting even. And maybe she wouldn't even care if she new that it were me. And it probably wouldn't help with the Sir Galahad thing anyways. Because I don't think that it is necessarily bad. I simply took too far in one direction and should of demanded something in return along the way. Had I demanded that she find a way to contact me outside of work (or to meet) as proof of her love I would have left long ago. I always felt guilty demanding that she prove her love for me. And that was my mistake. For while relationships aren't usually 50/50 they shouldn't be 100/0.

How could she prove your love if she never did at all?

 

[LivingInMyth]

Commiserating helps as long as you don't just replace the "relationship" with grieving it.
Look at things you are saying. Its whacked. Take those things and contextualized them with someone you met in a conventional way. None of.it holds up. You have to accept that you were trying to.buy affection and attention. For the same reason everyone on cam sites is. Its easier. In a real relationship those things have to be given freely and earned over time. Go to a camsite drop some dollars and you're guaranteed the semblance of both.

There was nothing easy about this arrangement. Conventional would of been easier and less costly. I did not come online to find romance. I was looking for the same thing as everyone else. I did not expect to fall in love. She just simply knew how to play me from day one. I take full responsibility though since she just tweaked what was already inherent to my personality. And she knew how to take advantage of the person who I am.

 

[LivingInMyth]

Nah that broad has "earned" enough from OP. He doesn't need to be going on camsites.

It is fair to say that I will never be found on a cam site ever again.

 

[LivingInMyth]

How could she prove your love if she never did at all?

Not sure what you mean. I think the lengths that I went to give what she said she wanted proved how much I loved her. She told me she could give me little because of the rules placed on her at work. I believed her.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Good question. Not sure what I meant. From day one, she told me she had been raped and that both her parents were killed when she was 5. Later recanted mother's death and rape, then told me later that rape was true. From day one, I saw her as a victim and so I did not want her to be victimized anymore. And she told me she hated what she was doing. And had to do it for the money. So I protected her. And did not ask to see her naked. Obviously, my original intent was on a show - but that got deflected in early conversation. Positive or negative? I guess it depends. If she truly needed the break from the others then I guess it was a positive for her. It also, I think, helped make this seem like a relationship rather than a transaction (although I was still paying for the service.) I was her protector. That is what I wanted to be for her and she helped to perpetuate the myth. So she played the role of victim. And I played the role of hero. And I certainly was a victim. Just not so sure that she was one as well.

Interesting. I see where you are coming from. Though it could be argued that, rather than protect her, you only subsidized her further exploitation. Not that I necessarily believe that.

Not that this will save you money, but I'd rewind that shit, make a new account, buy some tokens and get that girl naked so that you can get over that whole Sir Galahad thing you have going on.

I agree. A good hate jerk might be in order here.

I am two days from the great reveal.

wut!?

 

[LivingInMyth]

Interesting. I see where you are coming from. Though it could be argued that, rather than protect her, you only subsidized her further exploitation. Not that I necessarily believe that.

I agree. A good hate jerk might be in order here.

wut!?

Meaning I am two days from the truth - i.e. discovering that she had no intentions of meeting me in Romania (although she new I had purchased the ticket months ago) and then in finding out that she is married. Then her telling me simply to go away.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Meaning I am two days from the truth - i.e. discovering that she had no intentions of meeting me in Romania (although she new I had purchased the ticket months ago) and then in finding out that she is married. Then her telling me simply to go away.

ah, i gotcha. This is when you planned on meeting her.

 

[Sevrin]

I don't plan on getting even.

This has nothing to do with getting even. You're not punishing a baker by eating cookies. This is about you coming to grips that this woman has agency and made the choice to become a model on a cam site and that she is not some helpless child whose life was in freefall until you came along.

 

[LivingInMyth]

This has nothing to do with getting even. You're not punishing a baker by eating cookies. This is about you coming to grips that this woman has agency and made the choice to become a model on a cam site and that she is not some helpless child whose life was in freefall until you came along.

No, I get that now. But she always told me that one day I would understand why she choose this life. And that it really wasn't at all a choice. But I never got that story since she was going to tell me when we met. Of course, now I think it was simply a fabrication to keep me here online.

 

[LivingInMyth]

I think what hurts most of all is that she didn't enough of me to lie to me in the end. She lied throughout our time together to keep me here online. At the end, she could of fabricated a nice story that made me feel a bit warm inside. Of course, I probably would not of believed it but at least an effort would have been made to spare me additional grief. And to do nothing of the sort, speaks volumes about her contempt for me - and her lack of appreciation for the time and money spent letting her eat and sleep.

 

[JGenius]

No, I get that now. But she always told me that one day I would understand why she choose this life. And that it really wasn't at all a choice. But I never got that story since she was going to tell me when we met. Of course, now I think it was simply a fabrication to keep me here online.

It was of course a fabrication.
Instead of complaining here, try to think positive.

 

[JoleneBrody]

I'm very curious.
You talk about her not being able to make contact outside the cam site, but then make many comments about her texting you and sending you pictures of her apartment.

I'm confused.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

I'm very curious.
You talk about her not being able to make contact outside the cam site, but then make many comments about her texting you and sending you pictures of her apartment.

I'm confused.

I was sort of wondering about the Facebook reference as well.

 

[LivingInMyth]

I'm very curious.
You talk about her not being able to make contact outside the cam site, but then make many comments about her texting you and sending you pictures of her apartment.

I'm confused.

The pics were sent from her camcontacts account. Later on the story changed and she told me that they weren't going to allow her to email me anymore. Then she said they were fining her $150.00 per email that she sent me. Then she was sending none. Not sure where the truth lies in all of this. Although email was always infrequent - and I never received an email from anywhere other then her work.

 

[papichulo80]

Beware anyone who won't take responsibility for their actions. And believe people when they show you who they are.
When you rely on your situation being "different " and you being "special" get ready for the noose. Because it isn't and you aren't.
Learn these lessons and move forward not.jaded just with open eyes.
P

 

[LivingInMyth]

Beware anyone who won't take responsibility for their actions. And believe people when they show you who they are.
When you rely on your situation being "different " and you being "special" get ready for the noose. Because it isn't and you aren't.
Learn these lessons and move forward not.jaded just with open eyes.
P

Agreed. I relied too much on her promises and not enough on actions. I wanted this to be right. And I saw what I wanted to see. And trusted her words to be the truth. Even when her actions spoke in contrary. There are lessons to be learned from this. And I am taking notes. Thank you for the post.

 

[mynameisbob84]

I think what hurts most of all is that she didn't enough of me to lie to me in the end. She lied throughout our time together to keep me here online. At the end, she could of fabricated a nice story that made me feel a bit warm inside. Of course, I probably would not of believed it but at least an effort would have been made to spare me additional grief. And to do nothing of the sort, speaks volumes about her contempt for me - and her lack of appreciation for the time and money spent letting her eat and sleep.

Then use that as the fuel you need to get over this and move on. Chalk it up as a lesson learned. You're mourning the collapse of a one-sided relationship that only ever truly existed for you, with a person who never truly existed. The parts of her you fell for were fabrications. The person behind those fabrications is at the very least, manipulative, and at worst monstrously selfish and incapable of empathy for other human beings. You dodged a bullet. Mostly. Okay, the bullet hit you but at least it didn't hit anything vital and you didn't bleed out.

I agree with others who mentioned professional help though. Isolating the parts of your personality she exploited so effectively and working on them with a professional will only help you. You'll be better equipped to spot red flags and better able to walk away from situations like this, rather than wading further and further in to the murky waters that you now find yourself neck deep in.

 

[LilyPink]

Meaning I am two days from the truth - i.e. discovering that she had no intentions of meeting me in Romania (although she new I had purchased the ticket months ago) and then in finding out that she is married. Then her telling me simply to go away.

Wait are you guy from that I'm in Romania and still got my kidneys LOL thread??

 

[LivingInMyth]

Then use that as the fuel you need to get over this and move on. Chalk it up as a lesson learned. You're mourning the collapse of a one-sided relationship that only ever truly existed for you, with a person who never truly existed. The parts of her you fell for were fabrications. The person behind those fabrications is at the very least, manipulative, and at worst monstrously selfish and incapable of empathy for other human beings. You dodged a bullet. Mostly. Okay, the bullet hit you but at least it didn't hit anything vital and you didn't bleed out.

I agree with others who mentioned professional help though. Isolating the parts of your personality she exploited so effectively and working on them with a professional will only help you. You'll be better equipped to spot red flags and better able to walk away from situations like this, rather than wading further and further in to the murky waters that you now find yourself neck deep in.

No, it hit something vital although I know I'll be OK. But it will take time. It's only been a few days so I don't expect to be near over this quite yet. I liked what she portrayed. I just wish it all were real. And yes, your characterization of her I believe to be spot on. And yes, I will be seeking professional help to work through all these issues. And I will do all of this before pursuing any more relationships. Thank you for your comments.