When Do I Tell Someone I'm Dating I Cam...

[pennybabyblue]

Hey beautiful people,

You all helped me so much when I asked about telling family and friends about camming:

https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/threads/a-deep-topic-family-friends-reactions-to-camming.32845/

My next inquiry is about telling someone you're dating/going on dates with or a boyfriend/girlfriend. When do you find this to be appropriate? I started going on a few dates with someone, it hasn't been physical yet but I feel like I can't be fully honest with him until I tell him. The issue is I feel I can't be honest with ANYONE until I tell them. It's like a part of me isn't being shared.

Do you tell them immediately, after a few dates, after it gets physical, etc.

So interested to know your thoughts.

Thanks. So much love,
Penny

 

[paige_orion]

Hey beautiful people,

You all helped me so much when I asked about telling family and friends about camming:

https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/threads/a-deep-topic-family-friends-reactions-to-camming.32845/

My next inquiry is about telling someone you're dating/going on dates with or a boyfriend/girlfriend. When do you find this to be appropriate? I started going on a few dates with someone, it hasn't been physical yet but I feel like I can't be fully honest with him until I tell him. The issue is I feel I can't be honest with ANYONE until I tell them. It's like a part of me isn't being shared.

Do you tell them immediately, after a few dates, after it gets physical, etc.

So interested to know your thoughts.

Thanks. So much love,
Penny

I think this is a super tricky question because I get where you are coming from. It is hard to be honest, to feel like you are truly connecting, when you must keep such a vast part of your life hidden.

But at the same time... I have seen more than a few jilted lovers turn around and attack their camgirl ex. Not physically, but they do it digitally. Going to their camroom to post their name. Outing them to their friends and family. Posting links to their videos/camroom on vanilla social media. I have seen too many models end up trusting the wrong person too quickly, and it gets super messy when things don't work out. This is something that terrified me, after having had friends I cherished deeply turn around and extend cruelty & mockery because of this job. Now, I am much less naive and much more cautious. If I could not trust friendships that I had had for years, friends who were family of the heart... Well, it becomes that much harder for me, personally, to trust a stranger.

Now, it is very, very difficult for me to trust people with information that can be used to hurt me. I don't even have to worry about being outted to anyone - I just have trouble trusting people to not be jerks when they find out. Of course this can be a very lonely way to go through the world, because you're right, it is hard to connect when you keep yourself at a distance or when you keep such a big part of yourself shrouded in silence. Secrets don't help make friends, y'know?

It is tricky, trying to find the right time. You want to know they are trust-worthy before telling giving them power to potentially out you. But how do you connect while keeping a secret? And how fair is it to the other person, to know they may be falling for you, while keeping such a thing hidden? Because they deserve to know what they are getting in to - being the partner of a cam model or sex worker isn't for everyone.

Personally, it would take me a while, and I would put off all physical stuff until I could be honest and really connect. But I'd try to feel them out a LOOOT, dropping stories about sexworkers. Seeing how they talk about their exes. Maybe I'd even tell them I used to strip, or was thinking of doing it in the future, just to feel them out and their opinions on sex work, before giving them such an important piece of information about me and my life.

 

[JyJy]

When you know very well that person, you know you'll be together for more than a couple of months and you know she/he won't tell everyone (if you don't want everyone to know).
At least that's my two cents...

 

[Violet Dawn]

I'd have to 100% see how they treat their exes, other women, and other sex workers before I even consider telling them that I do it.

And even then, I don't know if I'd give them my cam name for a while.

 

[MicaVerano]

If I plan to have a future with him/her I have to tell, because it’s how I earn my bread. Now for just hook ups, they really don’t deserve that level of trust.

 

[callmepete]

Wait until they tell you they're a male cam model. Then when you tell them you're a cam model too WHALA, it's meant to be! lol

Ok in all seriousness, from a GUY'S perspective here. I'm either going to be ok with it, or I'm not. Period. That opinion isn't going to change whether you tell me 1 month into a relationship, or 3 months into a relationship. What COULD change is how much I trust you after you've revealed it, and that is dependent on when you told me, and what the relationship has been like up to that point.

Have we been crazy open with each other about things from the beginning? Well then I think this would be something I'd be better positioned to hear about sooner than later. Have we been more reserved, and taking our time to open up about things? Then it's probably just as well that you waited a little longer to tell me. Feel it out if you think it's got the potential to be a longer relationship. I have a feeling you'll know when the right time is (if HE is right).

 

[Violet Dawn]

Wait until they tell you they're a male cam model. Then when you tell them you're a cam model too WHALA, it's meant to be! lol

Ok in all seriousness, from a GUY'S perspective here. I'm either going to be ok with it, or I'm not. Period. That opinion isn't going to change whether you tell me 1 month into a relationship, or 3 months into a relationship. What COULD change is how much I trust you after you've revealed it, and that is dependent on when you told me, and what the relationship has been like up to that point.

Have we been crazy open with each other about things from the beginning? Well then I think this would be something I'd be better positioned to hear about sooner than later. Have we been more reserved, and taking our time to open up about things? Then it's probably just as well that you waited a little longer to tell me. Feel it out if you think it's got the potential to be a longer relationship. I have a feeling you'll know when the right time is (if HE is right).

Trust is a two way street. How do I know you're not some obsessive crazy stalker or abusive and will use my profession against me after a month? It's really easy to hide your true self for a month.

 

[callmepete]

How do I know you're not some obsessive crazy stalker or abusive and will use my profession against me after a month?

Hence the, "Feel it out if you think it's got the potential to be a longer relationship. I have a feeling you'll know when the right time is (if HE is right)."

Your reasoning is why I didn't put a timeline on it, each relationship is obviously different.

 

[pennybabyblue]

Wait until they tell you they're a male cam model. Then when you tell them you're a cam model too WHALA, it's meant to be! lol

Ok in all seriousness, from a GUY'S perspective here. I'm either going to be ok with it, or I'm not. Period. That opinion isn't going to change whether you tell me 1 month into a relationship, or 3 months into a relationship. What COULD change is how much I trust you after you've revealed it, and that is dependent on when you told me, and what the relationship has been like up to that point.

Have we been crazy open with each other about things from the beginning? Well then I think this would be something I'd be better positioned to hear about sooner than later. Have we been more reserved, and taking our time to open up about things? Then it's probably just as well that you waited a little longer to tell me. Feel it out if you think it's got the potential to be a longer relationship. I have a feeling you'll know when the right time is (if HE is right).

Fair enough! Love this advice. Go with the gut...
What is sooner rather than later to you?

 

[pennybabyblue]

Trust is a two way street. How do I know you're not some obsessive crazy stalker or abusive and will use my profession against me after a month? It's really easy to hide your true self for a month.

Yeah to me this is a matter of trust- I (hope) would never even like someone who has qualities of a crazy obsessive stalker. Again, I hope... But I feel you. Be cautious. This is a good bottom line.

So you think a month after hooking up to tell? If you think this person could be serious?

 

[pennybabyblue]

If I plan to have a future with him/her I have to tell, because it’s how I earn my bread. Now for just hook ups, they really don’t deserve that level of trust.

Totally. I think the sooner (if really really like him/her and see a relationship) is much better because if it needs to end because of that, it can.

 

[pennybabyblue]

I think this is a super tricky question because I get where you are coming from. It is hard to be honest, to feel like you are truly connecting, when you must keep such a vast part of your life hidden.

But at the same time... I have seen more than a few jilted lovers turn around and attack their camgirl ex. Not physically, but they do it digitally. Going to their camroom to post their name. Outing them to their friends and family. Posting links to their videos/camroom on vanilla social media. I have seen too many models end up trusting the wrong person too quickly, and it gets super messy when things don't work out. This is something that terrified me, after having had friends I cherished deeply turn around and extend cruelty & mockery because of this job. Now, I am much less naive and much more cautious. If I could not trust friendships that I had had for years, friends who were family of the heart... Well, it becomes that much harder for me, personally, to trust a stranger.

Now, it is very, very difficult for me to trust people with information that can be used to hurt me. I don't even have to worry about being outted to anyone - I just have trouble trusting people to not be jerks when they find out. Of course this can be a very lonely way to go through the world, because you're right, it is hard to connect when you keep yourself at a distance or when you keep such a big part of yourself shrouded in silence. Secrets don't help make friends, y'know?

It is tricky, trying to find the right time. You want to know they are trust-worthy before telling giving them power to potentially out you. But how do you connect while keeping a secret? And how fair is it to the other person, to know they may be falling for you, while keeping such a thing hidden? Because they deserve to know what they are getting in to - being the partner of a cam model or sex worker isn't for everyone.

Personally, it would take me a while, and I would put off all physical stuff until I could be honest and really connect. But I'd try to feel them out a LOOOT, dropping stories about sexworkers. Seeing how they talk about their exes. Maybe I'd even tell them I used to strip, or was thinking of doing it in the future, just to feel them out and their opinions on sex work, before giving them such an important piece of information about me and my life.

This was great, thank you for being honest and helpful. THIS is my biggest issue- I feel so lonely in a way and distant from friends who don't know. OF COURSE I want to talk about camming to friends and guys I date- listen, its my job. I have funny stories from it, annoying stories, feelings, emotions, all the stuff. I also find myself not telling people who I think will judge me. I guess that's natural.

But you saying to hold off on physical stuff for awhile is actually what I've been doing. I feel almost weird getting physical with someone (like really physical I mean) before I tell him. I think its a feeling it out thing, and to wait as long as possible that's acceptable before telling someone.

Wouldn't it just be nice if camming had no stigma. How much easier and comfortable would life be. Does it still have the worst stigma ever..?

 

[Mintx]

My ex knew I did clips before we dated. He then used my snapchat name (I was dumb) to look up my Manyvids and then bought a video from me without ever telling me until we were into the relationship. Then after we broke up, he told his new girlfriend, roommate, best friend, and probably made a facebook post about the icky icky whore in his life.

This was someone I trusted, but I got excited and thought I could be honest because he seemed so open minded.

 

[pennybabyblue]

My ex knew I did clips before we dated. He then used my snapchat name (I was dumb) to look up my Manyvids and then bought a video from me without ever telling me until we were into the relationship. Then after we broke up, he told his new girlfriend, roommate, best friend, and probably made a facebook post about the icky icky whore in his life.

This was someone I trusted, but I got excited and thought I could be honest because he seemed so open minded.

Wow. A lot of stories about how people use this against others. How sad and sorry to hear it.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

From another male perspective, I'd say the best time to tell him is when you're comfortable in knowing he'd be okay with it. What I mean by this is slowly feel him out for what his take is on the adult industry. Does he have a taboo type view, or is he open to different kinds of work? Is he respectful of everyone, regardless of the type of work they do? Especially when it comes to those in the service industry. How does he seem when talking about previous relationships?


For me, I don't expect to know every little detail about someone I'm dating immediately. There's things you don't tell right away such as where you work, finances, family, etc. It's a progression, and you learn more as the other person feels more comfortable with you. When that is, always difficult to say and should never be a specific date/time. If it was six months into a relationship, I might question why it took that long for her to feel comfortable enough to tell me since I'd think she'd have a yes/no idea on the relationship long before then. But, if it was explained well as to the reasons why, I could understand it.

 

[Gen]

There's things you don't tell right away such as where you work, finances, family, etc.

Where you work and family seem like basic, first date things to me. Not like “my mom has NPD and my dad’s an alcoholic”, but “I have two kids and I work at Dairy Queen” seem like weird things to withhold.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

Where you work and family seem like basic, first date things to me. Not like “my mom has NPD and my dad’s an alcoholic”, but “I have two kids and I work at Dairy Queen” seem like weird things to withhold.

I should have clarified on my post. What I meant was that it's okay to say may have children and potentially ages because may have a bearing on if someone is willing to put up with kids &/or ages. But, beyond that, family specifics, no. As to work, saying in general what one does is acceptable. But, IMO, saying something like "I'm a marketing manager at ZYX company" is a little too much.

That being said, with the intial contact typically being electronic now, going on a "first date" isn't so much a shot in the dark as it used to be. Most times, there's some level of knowledge shared in the communication. Personally, I still like to keep those two items back until I know them a little further.

 

[BiancaBaker]

From another male perspective, I'd say the best time to tell him is when you're comfortable in knowing he'd be okay with it.

This is a waste of time why would one wait because lets be honest over 50 percent of men are NOT okay with there girlfriends or dating partners doing this job (as a 7 year sex worker veteran I'm way more experienced than a guy who is not a sex worker) so why would I waste my time in dating someone just to learn they stigmatize me for a job that pays my bills. I'm sorry but I do NOT agree with this. I say tell them right away you will know by there reaction if you need to continue dating. No reason to waste anyone's time. Period.

 

[AudriTwo]

This is a waste of time why would one wait because lets be honest over 50 percent of men are NOT okay with there girlfriends or dating partners doing this job (as a 7 year sex worker veteran I'm way more experienced than a guy who is not a sex worker) so why would I waste my time in dating someone just to learn they stigmatize me for a job that pays my bills. I'm sorry but I do NOT agree with this. I say tell them right away you will know by there reaction if you need to continue dating. No reason to waste anyone's time. Period.

honestly this. being upfront saves you from being hurt. it's best to be upfront. i'm like this with new friends. i'm straight up honest with them what i do. i've been hurt so many times from people who i grew close with for them to throw my job in my face or my partner's. this open approach has positively changed a good number of vanilla friends' perspective on sex work. normally when you hide an aspect of your life, it can come across as if you are ashamed, which could provoke a negative response due to their negative viewpoint.

i wouldnt tell them my camname or sites i work on until i feel more comfortable or not at all. it really depends on the person. no one has gotten butthurt not learning those facts about me, and if they did. :waves:

 

[Deleted member 37064]

This is a waste of time why would one wait because lets be honest over 50 percent of men are NOT okay with there girlfriends or dating partners doing this job (as a 7 year sex worker veteran I'm way more experienced than a guy who is not a sex worker) so why would I waste my time in dating someone just to learn they stigmatize me for a job that pays my bills. I'm sorry but I do NOT agree with this. I say tell them right away you will know by there reaction if you need to continue dating. No reason to waste anyone's time. Period.

On the flip side, what if you tell someone right away up front, and their sole purpose then is to play you so you become a trophy they've collected? Some people get it in their mind that if someone does a specific type of job such as a sex worker, doctor, LEO, firefighter, pilot, doctor, etc that they just want to have the ability to say they've been with someone of that kind of job.

Sure, you may have more experience than me in running across people who may stigmatize you for your job. But, I can say the same thing with my line of work and how women say one thing, when in reality the opposite seems to be true. Which, is more or less the scenario I presented above. Speaking only for myself, first dates are more or less only seeing if personalities match. They're usually no more than a couple of hours long to meet in person and get a feel for them, and if there's something worthwhile going further.

I'm all for a woman being self-supportive. I'd rather her be able to support herself than be one who expects to be taken care of. She can make a hell of a lot more money than me, and I'm not put off by it nor do I dont feel threatened. But, if she's a total cunt, and shoves it in my face that she feels superior to me. Or, feels like she has to constantly prove it. Nope. Fuck no. Bitch can go to hell for all I care. I don't do that to the women I'm involved with, and I sure as fuck won't put up with it from them.

 

[EspiKvlt]

Talking about that stuff seems like a first date thing to me. Why would you waste your time continuing to date someone you have no future with when they might turn around and say they aren't okay with your job? Seems pretty pointless.

 

[AudriTwo]

On the flip side, what if you tell someone right away up front, and their sole purpose then is to play you so you become a trophy they've collected? Some people get it in their mind that if someone does a specific type of job such as a sex worker, doctor, LEO, firefighter, pilot, doctor, etc that they just want to have the ability to say they've been with someone of that kind of job.

usually those people are pretty covert with those types of traits. usually you will deal with that when their intentions come to the light.

 

[BiancaBaker]

On the flip side, what if you tell someone right away up front, and their sole purpose then is to play you so you become a trophy they've collected? S

I'm not dumb I can spot when someone is being fake and believe me you can pretty much tell right away if there faking it or not. I work with other male models so honestly the second I say I work w a pornstar it causes issues. I understand a lot of girls just do cam work/other stuff but this is legit the telling point for me. I can tell when someone is being fake. I have a great judge of character and believe me it's pretty easy to tell if there using you as a trophy or not. Especially when you have been doing this forever. There is 0 reason to wait to tell someone. I agree in not telling them the site (and I wouldn't OR my cam name) if they had issues with this I would literally not see them. It's not difficult.

 

[Violet Dawn]

No reason to waste anyone's time. Period.

I feel dumb because I didn't even think of it like this.

 

[Marceline]

If you think it has the potential to turn into a serious/long term relationship, I’d say it’s best to tell them as soon as possible. No need to get super detailed, just say that you cam on an adult site or make clips. Because as it’s already been said, unfortunately a lot of people who aren’t in the industry won’t be okay with it and why invest time and feelings on a relationship that won’t work?

i wouldnt tell them my camname or sites i work on until i feel more comfortable or not at all.

Also, this!!! While I’m open about camming, I don’t tell anyone my cam name. My ex knew what site I was on only because I have MFC swag that I’d sometimes wear or have laying around my apartment and I have a nagging suspicion that he somehow managed to figure out my cam name and creep on my stuff. If you tell someone your name I’d say a good majority of people would try to look you up. Best case scenario, they see your twitter or cam profile (or even watch your show/clips) and it’s awkward. Worst case, they put you in a dangerous situation by outting your real name and/or location.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

usually those people are pretty covert with those types of traits. usually you will deal with that when their intentions come to the light.

Exactly my point, and why I say that I'd rather keep what I do for a job under wraps for a little while until I know the person better in terms of their personality.

I'm not dumb I can spot when someone is being fake and believe me you can pretty much tell right away if there faking it or not. I work with other male models so honestly the second I say I work w a pornstar it causes issues. I understand a lot of girls just do cam work/other stuff but this is legit the telling point for me. I can tell when someone is being fake. I have a great judge of character and believe me it's pretty easy to tell if there using you as a trophy or not. Especially when you have been doing this forever. There is 0 reason to wait to tell someone. I agree in not telling them the site (and I wouldn't OR my cam name) if they had issues with this I would literally not see them. It's not difficult.

I'm not dumb either, and I feel I'm a good judge of character as well. What I am saying is that usually within the first date or two, one would have a very good idea of the type of character a person is. To me, personality trumps everything. If we don't get along, I don't see a need to even tell them what I do. If we do, and based upon their response to some conversation topics, I'll be a little more direct. I'm not talking about dragging this out for weeks or months. But, I just don't see a need to tell the person right away on the first date.


We all have different views on things. The OP was inquiring on what we would do, and when we feel it's appropriate to tell someone. Aside from never telling someone, or it being a long duration before telling them, there really isn't a wrong answer. But, there are different opinions on when it's best to tell someone.

 

[callmepete]

So the answer is 3. You wait 3. Could be minutes, hours, dates, months, you decide. But the final answer is 3.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

So the answer is 3. You wait 3. Could be minutes, hours, dates, months, you decide. But the final answer is 3.

42. The answer is always 42.

 

[Gen]

@ForceTen what do you say if they ask what you do? Do you give like, the general field but just not specifics? I guess it makes sense not to say the place; I do worry about telling someone where they can find me 40 hours a week.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

@ForceTen what do you say if they ask what you do? Do you give like, the general field but just not specifics? I guess it makes sense not to say the place; I do worry about telling someone where they can find me 40 hours a week.

Yep, exactly. I'll give the general field, and little to no specifics until I feel more comfortable with them. As mentioned, usually have a decent idea within a date or two on if it's worth mentioning.

While personal security is always a foremost thought, I also look at it as I'd rather have them base their decision on whether they want to pursue a potential relationship based on who I am, and my personality, rather than what I do or how much I might make.