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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
ThePrincessLuxy
Cam Model
Stole this off reddit:
What is Chipotle most known for?
What is Chipotle most known for?
- A. Steak Bowls
- B. Delicious Tacos
- C. Chips
- D. Burritos
- E. Coli
This one is a few years old but I still laugh when I read it.
Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with
Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to
play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and
out, saving his life.
The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't, Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to
play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and
out, saving his life.
The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't, Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".
so Quasimodo is in teh bell tower cleaning the bells, when the Cardinal comes up with this fella and says "Quasimodo, do you remember this gentleman?" Quasimodo looks the guy up and down, then grabs him and smashes his head into the bell several times before letting him go. He then turns to the Cardinal and says, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell"
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE
1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX
Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV
16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official
20. PARADIGMS
Twenty cents
1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX
Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV
16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official
20. PARADIGMS
Twenty cents
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
__________________
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
__________________
- Aug 17, 2011
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- Twitter Username
- @WildFingers1
- Tumblr Username
- wildfingers1
- MFC Username
- ACs_Fingahs
Japanese Sex
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi Janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily:
"Na miaou kina Tim koujia"
~~~~~~~~~I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this - you don't know Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.
You need serious help! Sometimes I worry about you.
KayleeCapri
Inactive Cam Model
- Aug 30, 2015
- 26
- 18
- 48
- Twitter Username
- @KayleeCapri_MFC
- Tumblr Username
- kayleecapri-mfc
- MFC Username
- KayleeCapri
- ManyVids URL
- https://www.manyvids.com/Profile/429660/KayleeCapri/
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Badumtssss
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Badumtssss
- Aug 17, 2011
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- Twitter Username
- @WildFingers1
- Tumblr Username
- wildfingers1
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- ACs_Fingahs
Thirteen one liners (you will have to supply your own bud-dum-tish after reading each one):
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"
6. My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
10. I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00.
11. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"
6. My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
10. I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00.
11. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
- Aug 17, 2011
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- Twitter Username
- @WildFingers1
- Tumblr Username
- wildfingers1
- MFC Username
- ACs_Fingahs
Under The Truck
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. After hearing about his problem, the doctor said, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, it's the police. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
http://jokestop.net/
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. After hearing about his problem, the doctor said, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, it's the police. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
http://jokestop.net/
Nordling
V.I.P. AmberLander
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"
The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
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Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
MissRemilia
Inactive Cam Model
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What happens if you don't pay your exorcist on time?
You get repossessed.
You get repossessed.
Tomtom197
Deactivated Account
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's
an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof
with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull
is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's
an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof
with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull
is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
Here's a few dad jokes that I really like...
I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should've put it on aloha setting.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
They don't watch the Flintstones in Dubai.
But Abu Dhabi do.
You can't run through a camp site.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
You know what they say about cliffhangers...
I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should've put it on aloha setting.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
They don't watch the Flintstones in Dubai.
But Abu Dhabi do.
You can't run through a camp site.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
You know what they say about cliffhangers...
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa.......... Go home!
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa.......... Go home!
Me: Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
My computer sings, it's a Dell.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?...
1 or 2? 1... or 2?
What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college?
Bison
Doctor: I don't follow you.
My computer sings, it's a Dell.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?...
1 or 2? 1... or 2?
What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college?
Bison
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So,
I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said,
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So,
I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said,
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
An arrogant young golfer walked into the pro shop before starting his game and said he can hit the ball so far, he can't see where it lands so he needs a caddie with the best eyesight possible.
The Pro calls over Eddie and said, "He has the best eyesight of any caddie I've ever seen"
The golfer says, "You've got to be kidding me - he's got to be 80 years old!"
"Actually, he's 85, but believe me, he can spot your ball"
So they start off at the first tee and sure enough, the golfer hits a long ball way out of sight. He says, "OK Eddie, did you see where the ball landed?"
"Yep"
"OK, where is it?"
"I forgot"
The Pro calls over Eddie and said, "He has the best eyesight of any caddie I've ever seen"
The golfer says, "You've got to be kidding me - he's got to be 80 years old!"
"Actually, he's 85, but believe me, he can spot your ball"
So they start off at the first tee and sure enough, the golfer hits a long ball way out of sight. He says, "OK Eddie, did you see where the ball landed?"
"Yep"
"OK, where is it?"
"I forgot"
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive."
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive."
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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