KristiRoxx
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Jokes - post em' if ya got em'
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you
smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you
smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
- Aug 27, 2015
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- Twitter Username
- @hermajestyloca
- Tumblr Username
- davidleeloca
- MFC Username
- DavidLeeLoca
- Streamate Username
- PrincessDorian
- Clips4Sale URL
- http://clips4sale.com/studio/96889/Loca-is-Your-Fetish
Why can't women parallel park?
We're always being lied to about what 9 inches really is.
We're always being lied to about what 9 inches really is.
"I want it now against the wall!", she ordered. "And keep it up as long as possible."
"Don't worry," I said, "I know how to put up a shelf."
"Don't worry," I said, "I know how to put up a shelf."
A woman's three daughters all get married on the same day. They decide to spend the wedding night at their mother's house, then leave for their honeymoons the next day.
That night, the mother, wanting to be sure each of her daughters is having a good wedding night, decides to check on them.
She tiptoes to the first daughter's bedroom door and listens. She hears her daughter moaning, "Yes, yes, just like that!"
She moves on the next daughter's door. Inside, she hears her daughter screaming, "Oh God! Oh God!" in great passion.
Satisfied, she tiptoes to the third daughter's door. There is complete silence.
The mother is very disturbed by this.
The next morning at breakfast, she pulls the third daughter aside and says, "Honey, I'm worried. Last night, your sisters sounded as if they were having the greatest sex of their lives. But I didn't hear a peep from you. Was your wedding night a disaster?"
And the daughter says, "Oh no, we had mind-blowing sex. My knees are still shaking this morning."
"But I don't understand," the mother says. "It was so quiet."
And the daughter says, "Mama, both our parents taught us never to talk with our mouths full."
That night, the mother, wanting to be sure each of her daughters is having a good wedding night, decides to check on them.
She tiptoes to the first daughter's bedroom door and listens. She hears her daughter moaning, "Yes, yes, just like that!"
She moves on the next daughter's door. Inside, she hears her daughter screaming, "Oh God! Oh God!" in great passion.
Satisfied, she tiptoes to the third daughter's door. There is complete silence.
The mother is very disturbed by this.
The next morning at breakfast, she pulls the third daughter aside and says, "Honey, I'm worried. Last night, your sisters sounded as if they were having the greatest sex of their lives. But I didn't hear a peep from you. Was your wedding night a disaster?"
And the daughter says, "Oh no, we had mind-blowing sex. My knees are still shaking this morning."
"But I don't understand," the mother says. "It was so quiet."
And the daughter says, "Mama, both our parents taught us never to talk with our mouths full."
I see that Anonymous have declared war on ISIS.
Probably not the 72 virgins they were expecting.
Probably not the 72 virgins they were expecting.
Florida Woman Stops Gator Attack with Small Caliber Pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a
brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce
predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect
yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her
own words: "While out walking along the edge of a bayou just
outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be
ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we
were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from
the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
"She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely
aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber
pistol with me, I would not be here today! "Just one shot to my
estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily
and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
"It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I
saved in lawyer fees was incredible!"
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a
brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce
predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect
yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her
own words: "While out walking along the edge of a bayou just
outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be
ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we
were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from
the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
"She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely
aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber
pistol with me, I would not be here today! "Just one shot to my
estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily
and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
"It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I
saved in lawyer fees was incredible!"
What Makes a Peaceful town?
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Samre, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and of course Opie - all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Just sayin'......
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Samre, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and of course Opie - all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Just sayin'......
Heard this one last night:
What do you call a bald porcupine?
What do you call a bald porcupine?
Pointless
Ok, not sure if it's been told yet as i only read two pages before skipping to the end 
100 lemmings walk into a bar... ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch!
100 lemmings walk into a bar... ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch!
- Oct 15, 2015
- 107
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- Twitter Username
- @AmeliaArtsy
- MFC Username
- ArtsyAmelia
- ManyVids URL
- https://www.manyvids.com/Profile/434985/ArtsyAmelia/
What's a pirates favourite pattern to wear?
Arrgyle
harharhar
Arrgyle
harharhar
Poison_Ivy21
Inactive Cam Model
Why do seagulls fly over the sea...?
...because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels!
...because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels!
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This ones on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bags and get out!' I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'"
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This ones on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bags and get out!' I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'"
- Aug 17, 2011
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- Twitter Username
- @WildFingers1
- Tumblr Username
- wildfingers1
- MFC Username
- ACs_Fingahs
This blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all those blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.So, she decided to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband was off at work, she decided that she would paint acouple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband left for work,she got down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrived home at5:30 and was hit by the distinctive smell of paint.He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat..
He noticed she was wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.He bent over and asked if she was OK. She replied “Yes”.
He asked what she was doing and she replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,and she wanted to do it by painting the house..
He then asked her why she had a parka over her leather jacket, and she replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS,
PUT ON TWO COATS."
While her husband was off at work, she decided that she would paint acouple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband left for work,she got down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrived home at5:30 and was hit by the distinctive smell of paint.He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat..
He noticed she was wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.He bent over and asked if she was OK. She replied “Yes”.
He asked what she was doing and she replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,and she wanted to do it by painting the house..
He then asked her why she had a parka over her leather jacket, and she replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS,
PUT ON TWO COATS."
VeronicaChaos
Cam Model
- Nov 30, 2011
- 6,638
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- Twitter Username
- @Veronicachaos
- Tumblr Username
- Veronicachaos
- MFC Username
- Veronicachaos
When articles that are spread around are nothing more than a few screenshots of things terrible people say on Twitter. I see this on my Facebook constantly. like...is this news? Are we surprised some people are gonna be like "yeahhhh shoot up the abortion clinic!"??? Come the fuck on. We all know there are terrible people on the Internet. And they all want attention. Stop giving it to them.
I especially dislike it because it creates a false narrative that tends to normalize the behavior, using them as examples of widespread thought. It's the same bullshit that makes us think we live in a PC culture when our most popular cartoon is South Park: we pay attention to the loud minority and assume it's what everyone is thinking. It's not real and it's not indicative of our culture. Stop paying attention to these people and stop spreading around these stupid articles as if it's news that people will say horrible things online.
I especially dislike it because it creates a false narrative that tends to normalize the behavior, using them as examples of widespread thought. It's the same bullshit that makes us think we live in a PC culture when our most popular cartoon is South Park: we pay attention to the loud minority and assume it's what everyone is thinking. It's not real and it's not indicative of our culture. Stop paying attention to these people and stop spreading around these stupid articles as if it's news that people will say horrible things online.
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU !"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT ? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU !"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT ? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"
When the end of the world came, everybody on earth went to heaven.
God said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
God said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Claude the Hypnotist at a Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance."Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting … "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch.”
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.”
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Center.
Claude was never invited there again.
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance."Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting … "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch.”
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.”
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Center.
Claude was never invited there again.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town . People would say , " What a peaceful & loving couple " ! The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage .
The Husband replied: " Well , it dates back to our honeymoon in America " , explained the man . " We visited the Grand Canyon , in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon , by horse . We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off . " My wife looked down at the horse and quietly
said , " That's once " .
We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again . Again my wife quietly said , " That's twice . " We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time , and my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead .
I SHOUTED at her , " What's wrong with you , Woman ! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that , are you fuckingcrazy ! ? "
She looked at ME , and quietly said , " That's once " ! !
The Husband replied: " Well , it dates back to our honeymoon in America " , explained the man . " We visited the Grand Canyon , in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon , by horse . We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off . " My wife looked down at the horse and quietly
said , " That's once " .
We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again . Again my wife quietly said , " That's twice . " We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time , and my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead .
I SHOUTED at her , " What's wrong with you , Woman ! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that , are you fuckingcrazy ! ? "
She looked at ME , and quietly said , " That's once " ! !
- Oct 15, 2015
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- Twitter Username
- @AmeliaArtsy
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- ArtsyAmelia
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The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait
I am a fan of one-liners!
I am a fan of one-liners!
- Aug 17, 2011
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- @WildFingers1
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Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin; dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks Lyle.
“The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle, “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra and she’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin; dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks Lyle.
“The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle, “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra and she’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and, as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell. The wife said, "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."
He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you.”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, dear, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the bar next to that."
He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you.”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, dear, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the bar next to that."
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I
have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the
good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will
bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant
businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle
the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary in a motel."
asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I
have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the
good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will
bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant
businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle
the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary in a motel."
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale!
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale!
A Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a
nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to deliver it to the lady...
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo
in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a
nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to deliver it to the lady...
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo
in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
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