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Sex is like a gas station. Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you gotta ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."
Vaseline & Sex
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
- Aug 17, 2011
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery....
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As theman tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the samemonastery.The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"The monks reply,
"You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.The monks reply,
"Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, "May I have the key?"The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone....
The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.....
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ...........
...... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As theman tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the samemonastery.The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"The monks reply,
"You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.The monks reply,
"Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, "May I have the key?"The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone....
The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.....
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ...........
...... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
- Aug 17, 2011
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Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' "
I said, "No shit?"
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' "
I said, "No shit?"
- Aug 17, 2011
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* Sorry for the YELLING but I copy pasta'd from an email I received and didn't feel like retyping it.*
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M SCOTTISH, I’M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SCOTTISH BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES,
"I'M SCOTTISH, I’M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS NUTTER BLONDE SCOTTISH WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,
"OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M SCOTTISH, I’M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SCOTTISH BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES,
"I'M SCOTTISH, I’M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS NUTTER BLONDE SCOTTISH WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,
"OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
Yay for Notepad++ and TextFX plugin.
-------------------------------------------------------
A plane is on its way to toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm scottish, i’m blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde scottish bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies,
"I'm scottish, i’m blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this nutter blonde scottish woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, "first class isn't going to toronto."
dilligaf0
V.I.P. AmberLander
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger.
Kermit's finger.
The inventor of dog treats died today.
He was a good boy. Yes he was!
He was a good boy. Yes he was!
I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at
number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the
changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had
words, but I didn't
get to use
mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses
without your
Glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting .
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before
woman so as to
give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is
by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms
tearing up the country from
one end
to another,
and with the threat of
bird flu and
terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time
to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before
you expire .
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at
number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the
changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had
words, but I didn't
get to use
mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses
without your
Glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting .
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before
woman so as to
give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is
by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms
tearing up the country from
one end
to another,
and with the threat of
bird flu and
terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time
to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before
you expire .
What did the leper say to the hooker?
Keep the tip.
Keep the tip.
- Jun 16, 2012
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Ok, where's the combo funny/facepalm emote? XD
It is one of those ones that make you laugh and cringe at the same time. Unfortunately, it's the only joke I can ever remember.
FayePotato
Inactive Cam Model
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The first joke I ever remember learning, when I was like 3 years old, is still probably my favourite.
How do you find a worm's bum?
Roll it in flour and wait till it farts
How do you find a worm's bum?
Roll it in flour and wait till it farts
- Aug 17, 2011
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Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One
evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an
upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period
of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we
are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the
garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along
with your gun collection.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."
evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an
upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period
of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we
are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the
garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along
with your gun collection.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
- Aug 26, 2015
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Aw man... I have like the worst jokes ever so I apologize in advance but here's just one bad one so here goes...
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?
...
Bison! Lol sorry not sorry.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?
...
Bison! Lol sorry not sorry.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
On a really hot day, four very young nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church.
After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.
An hour later someone knocked on the door of the church. "Who is it?" they called out. "I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"
After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.
An hour later someone knocked on the door of the church. "Who is it?" they called out. "I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.
"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."
"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.
The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.
"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.
Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.
He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.
The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey.
The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "You can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."
"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.
The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.
"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.
Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.
He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.
The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey.
The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "You can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
KristiRoxx
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How do you know Monday is a man?
Because it always cums too fast.
Because it always cums too fast.
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"
KristiRoxx
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I used to know the women version to the joke, I was gonna post that too to even everything out but I couldn't remember it for the life of my lmaoYes, on behalf of men everywhere, had to give that one a pile of poo.
I used to know the women version to the joke, I was gonna post that too to even everything out but I couldn't remember it for the life of my lmao
I'm betting it's somewhere included on this page.
Dirty jokes - Female.
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