Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[Tartan]

Went to Chester zoo today and seen a baguette in a cage

Zookeeper told me it was bred in captivity


I said to the baker..
"How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"

He said..." that's Madeira cake"


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”.

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman. “I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

 

[ga5457]

Subject: YOU'RE IN THE ARMY

NOW Fifty-one years ago, Herman
James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his
first day in basic training at Fort Polk, Louisiana, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the
Army issued him a jock strap. As of this week, the Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years!

 

[Tartan]

The founder of Ikea has died aged 91.
Flat pack coffins.
Allen Key.
Leftover parts.
This joke requires some assembly.

 

[ga5457]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor... came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.

 

[ga5457]

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.

Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they’re firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me.”

 

[ga5457]

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a
possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles
the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What
in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald duck!"

 

[ga5457]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.



Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied...."Divorce attorney.”

 

[ga5457]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s.x for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

 

[ga5457]

I used to play poker regularly...

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day, and both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The Angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The Angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The Angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately stated: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and got admitted to Heaven!

Could you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are!"

 

[ga5457]

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”

 

[ga5457]

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

 

[ga5457]

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening AER LINGUS flight from Dublin the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement...

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.."Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours later...

“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

 

[ga5457]

I hope no blonds are offended by this. Remember, it is just a joke.

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten.. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

The mother responds, Very good honey. The blonde asks, Is that because Im a blonde mommy? And the mother responds, Yes dear.

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! . A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!

The mother says, Very good honey. The blonde then asked. Is that because Im a blonde, Mommy? The mother responds, Yes dear.

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because Im a blonde, Mommy? And the mother responds, No Honey, its because youre twenty five.