Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[ga5457]

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,

"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,

"I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right?

You can't even find the Post Office."

 

[ga5457]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

[GrannyPants]

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

 

[EvaGrey]

knock knock

*whos there*

Go fuck yourself!


Sorry... Catch Me If You Can reference. Love that movie

 

[emptiedglass]

My paychecks...

 

[Nikola Tesla]

 

[Phobeus Stargazer]

What do you get if you mix trump and hillary....

A racist puppet..

 

[GrannyPants]

I entered ten puns into a competition to see which one would win.


No pun in ten did win.

 

[Phobeus Stargazer]

What kind of bee makes milk not honey?

The boobie...

 

[Lucid1]

A local factory worker begins his early morning walk to work with newspaper and lunch pail in hand, the same as he has done for the past 20 years. His morning walk takes him past the local insane asylum, which has a tall, wooden privacy fence in front to protect its inhabitants from prying eyes. On this particular morning the man hears a low melodic chant coming from the asylum "Who will be first!?", which gets louder the closer he gets. The man has never heard so much as a peep from the asylum in all of these years, yet he has to be at work on-time, so he dismisses it and continues on to work.

That afternoon the man gets off work and begins his walk home. As he nears the asylum he begins to hear another, almost monk-like, chant coming from behind the privacy fence "38!"...."38!"...."38!".....

His curiosity getting the better of him, the man decides this time he's going to investigate. He walks over to the privacy fence, and finding the only knot-hole in the fence, he peers inside...

...suddenly, one of the asylum's inhabitants pokes him in the eye with a stick...

..."39!"...."39!"...."39!"...

 

[AudriTwo]

 

[ga5457]

Today, I had my annual Prostate Exam which, in all candor was the most thorough I've ever had. I mean the doctor prodded, pushed, squeezed, and thoroughly gave me the closest exam Ive ever had.
However, when he had finished the doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I really was in no mood to hear ....


She said ...."Who Was That Guy?"

 

[corpsekitten]

My life

 

[ga5457]

A Good Lesson

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[Just_A_Guy]

 

[camstory]

 

[HotRod556]

This pick up line works every time.
Ask person you are trying to pick up. "Do you want to play Barbie?
"I'll be Ken and you can be the box I came in."

 

[Molison]

How do you milk sheep?

Spoiler

Release a new I-Phone.

 

[HotRod556]

My friend looks to his right, sees my dog licking his balls. My friend then looked over at me and said "I wish I could do that." I said "do what?" He looks back at my dog. Who is still passionately licking his balls. I glance at my dog then looked at my friend. Shaking my head no. I tell him "you better not! He will bite you!"

 

[JerryBoBerry]

Why does da Norway navy have bar codes on da side of dere ships?

Spoiler

So when da ships come back to port dey can...Scandinavian

Totally stolen from Reddit, No shame.

 

[ga5457]

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.




This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?

 

[ga5457]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

 

[ga5457]

A couple drove their car to the store, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[bud9752]

A couple drove their car to the store, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

they now call him Stitch

 

[ga5457]

I was so hungry that I flossed.

The average human body contains enough bones to make a complete skeleton.

My wife gave me the book Kamasutra, which put me in an awkward position.

Is it odd that the game Monopoly is only made by one company?

A rotisserie is a morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.

I understand the part where humans evolved from monkeys. What I do not understand is what evolved into the monkeys that evolved into humans.

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

I am CDO. It is just like being OCD, but I wanted it alphbetical.

Help stamp out and do away with redundancy.

 

[ga5457]

Only in QUEENS, NY!!!! A little while ago, I pulled in to the Mobil gas station to get gas. The auto pay wasn’t working so I went inside to pay. When I was walking in, I noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her, and thought, "Is this lady stupid or crazy?!!!" One of the policemen started toward her, and the other police officer and I went on into the store. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around. The policeman put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee!! Then he put handcuffs on her and put her in the squad car. What? He should have called an ambulance! Being the nosy person that I am, I asked the officer in the store what his partner was arresting her for. He looked me square in the eyes and said ...

"WAVING A FIREARM!"

 

[ga5457]

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

 

[Aayda_Heart]

"What did the gray user say on Chaturbate?"

I STILL DONT KNOW ... IF ONLY I SPOKE FLUENT NIMROD.... LOL

 

[venomous]

It's better if you can hear the accent, but basically it goes...

A paraplegic decides to go the beach one day. He's lying out there, no arms, no legs, gettin' his tan on when an English girl walks up and goes, "Oh, goodness, look at you, have you ever been hugged?"

He says, "only by my mother, but never a girl as beautiful as you." So she hugs him!

Next thing, a sexy Scottish girl walks by and says, "Ah, ya poor wee lad, look at ya--have ya ever been keesed?"

He says as a matter of fact he has not. So she kisses him!

Finally, down comes an Irish girl. Stunning. She looks at him and says, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph you poor soul, no arms, no legs. Have you ever been fucked?"

The man heart starts pounding and he stammers..."No! Never!"

The Irish girl points to the sea and says "Well, the tides coming in, so you're about to be!"

 

[Tartan]

A guy walks in to a cafe and reads the menu:

cheese roll £1
ham roll £2
wanks £10

The guy sees this lovely big blonde cracking arse and body with big tits,
he says to her "Hi doll are you the one that gives the wanks?"
she says "Yes I do".
The guy then replies "well wash your hands I am wanting 2 cheese rolls"