LadyLuna said:
Most anyone who has asked for my real name, when I say I'd rather not tell them has had one of two reactions: "why won't you tell me?" or "I thought we were friends!"
there is no way to answer "why won't you tell me?" Because you might be a rapist just doesn't seem right. "Because it's not safe to" says that I don't trust them. I don't- but it's not nice to tell them that. And it's nothing against them, I don't trust ANYONE on the internet. "Because it's not a smart idea to tell people on the internet your info" leads to about the same thing... "But I thought we were friends" or "don't you trust me?" and trying to make me see that they are different. ALL of which makes me trust the person even less.
A few people's reactions have been "Okay." and a change of topic, but it's so few that the second the question is asked I consider banning the person to avoid discomfort. As soon as I get uncomfortable, the entire tone of the room changes, and that brings everyone in the room down, which makes the others not want to be there.
So why is it a faux pas to ask the model? Because it makes the model uncomfortable. And doing anything that makes the model uncomfortable is bad if you care about her. If you don't care about her, why ask for her name? If you do care about her, why make her uncomfortable by asking?
This post is just so simply correct and beautifully accurate, were it a live performance, I would not only be applauding, I'd be standing while doing so.
Though it does not answer the question, "Can a model and a member really be friends?" it is not wholly off the subject, to explore this idea of Models sharing their true names.
I have seen, or been told, of the exact behavior described above so many times, I now literally feel like slapping the perp every time I see it anew. It is understandable to have some desire to know a model somehow better, or more completely, than others, if we also desire to know that model as a friend. What is equally understandable, is, an attitude of intolerance from any model who is confronted by a member, who acts on that desire.
A true friendship, is not forced, or coerced. (And yes I believe one can find friendship via digital communication, no different than those friendships found via written communication of the past.) There can be no argument as to the safest way to proceed, but if a model makes the choice to tell a member her real name, that is, what it is; her choice.
To ask a model for her real name, (or for any personal info) is rude. To do so in public chat, and request the answer in PM is not only rude, but supremely stupid, yet I have seen it done.
When we log on to MFC, we are stepping into a virtual community. The fact that it is a virtual community, dose not change the fact, that, like anywhere else we go, there are certain rules of etiquette that should be followed. I am not talking about subjective manors. I am talking about an objective set of behavioral guidelines that everyone with good sense can agree on.
I think one of those behavioral guidelines, or rules, should be that we all leave our non virtual beings, or identities at the door. Once inside, having taken on our MFC identity, we neither have the right, nor the obligation, to request, or surrender, any part of the identities left outside.
I wounder if part of the problem isn't (for lack of a better term) a type of culture shock? When we enter MFC we find behavior, that, in most other places, would not be acceptable, but not only is it acceptable, it is often encouraged. Is it possible, that the freedom of throwing off these many behavioral rules, facilitates a sense of behavioral anarchy?
I want to yell to LadyLuna, and Keith, and anyone else who had to explain the 'whys' & 'how comes', and the 'uncomfortable well ifs', that if things were as they should be, models would not be intimately familiar with every action & reaction & possibly outcome this behavior solicits. If things were as they should be members would not wonder why one does not ask such questions and those who did would only have to be told "because it is not done, figure it out." And victims would not have to explain to the extent that if you were not listening well it might sound apologetic.
But things are, as they are, so I will add this because sometimes what follows " I thought we were friends," or "why don't you trust me?" And very often follows "Well you should trust me." is, "you owe me." Sometimes in so few words, other times as the msg of a protracted guilt trip.
There is an old adage that continues to be used in truth. It is, - "that one can not buy friendship." - The amount of tokens you spend tipping a model, no matter how great, is still never justification to demand or ask for anything that was not contracted.
Shortly after coming to MFC, I was disgusted when I became aware that a member had sent an offline tip to a model, and in the tip note implied, that the model perhaps owed him, and that she should read a lengthy 2 part MFC mail, because... Well he had tipped her.
That member was me, and given time, I realized my error. Though I have only recently learned that models non-virtual name, she was before, and is one of four, who I feel I have a true friendship with. Since that one faux pas, I have never asked for anything I should not have. I am sure that this thoughtful regard for what is correct, has played some part in her extended trust and friendship.
