Friendship between a model and a member

[misterical]

We seem to be back to seeing more "fell in love with a cam girl" posts again, amidst accusations of scams, heartbreak etc. I thought it might be useful to have a thread for members and models to contribute to, containing tips on how to conduct a sane, positive and non-destructive friendship. Because ultimately, this is a branch of adult entertainment that is built on personal relationships. It's impossible not to become friendly or care about one another.

I'll start with my experience and some of my thoughts on how to keep a friendship in the right place and to avoid being on the receiving end of a withering "get a back tattoo" or "don't make me tap the sign" reply.

I'm around 4 months into a friendship with a model and while we've had a few ups and downs, including a couple of brief spells where we didn't speak to each other for over a week at a time, we get on like a house on fire. However, neither of us have any illusions about this going anywhere beyond where it is now.

Initially it wasn't such plain sailing though. There was an initial flurry of confused feelings and some scrabbling around to establish boundaries etc. However, now it's settled down into something really rewarding and lovely. After some very strong resistance on her part, I do take her pvt occasionally and I do also tip from time to time. My decision. She doesn't ask anything of me. I enjoy her company and enjoy it a lot better without the guilt of feeling like she's talking to me at the expense of making money elsewhere. I think we've got to a place where we are both genuinely pleased to hear from each other and where we spend just enough time together that we would miss each other if we didn't chat but equally not so much that we get bored or resentful of one another.

In terms of tips for members for not falling in love, based on my experience of the past 4 months :-

• I viewed this mainly as an opportunity to learn about another person, another culture, another part of the world. It's possible to get a buzz out of someone caring for you (and you caring for someone) without it having to be romantic.
• I came to terms with the fact that she will pay attention to other customers. Sometimes at the expense of speaking to me. It's a sales job. She has to pursue the income. It's not personal. She is working a job. I find this is the area that most love drunks can't get their head around. If she gets a big tip or a long pvt then I am delighted for her, not jealous. I have a lot of love for this girl and care about her. I want her to be able to afford to eat, pay her bills and have nice things.
• I don't hang around her room all night. It puts crazy pressure on her to interact with me and also on me to be an ever present. That's tiring for both of us. I always remind myself that she is on work time and I am on leisure time. They are different. Very different. For instance, last night I popped in for only 25 minutes just to tell her to have a great day off today and to have a safe journey home. Back in the early stages of our friendship I would hang around her room for hours, which wasn't healthy for either of us. Not only would I feel guilty but she would get cranky because I was in the way a bit. Now we may have shorter interactions but we both enjoy them so much more and we both leave the chat feeling happy and pleased to have spoken to one another.
• I don't try and save her and she doesn't ask to be saved. We both understand that her situation isn't ideal but there is no expectation from either side that I should fix it. I struggled a bit at first with that male problem of being told of a problem then immediately going into solution mode. I've learned that my role in this friendship is to sympathise, support and encourage. Like a real friend, you know? She'll sit and tell her female cam model friends the same things as she tells me and doesn't expect them to fix it. The same applies to me.
• I didn't get into the idiocy of taking her for a 3 hour pvt to "give her a rest" (as I've read in other posts). She never asked me for that anyway but that way madness (and bankruptcy) lies. As well as tipping, I've also tried to do nice things for her outside of the platform - flowers, chocolates etc. Something to make her feel special and cared for.

Hopefully, a member in the early throes of a cam girl friendship can read this thread and get some perspectives on how to conduct a friendship because I genuinely think it's rewarding. Where it becomes less rewarding is when one or both parties try to turn a pleasant online friendship into a real life love affair. That is usually a route to pain, misery and jealousy and I can't think of a single post I've seen that has worked out well once that path is travelled down.

It would also be good to get models views on the above, the concept of friendships in general etc. It might stop someone going down a hopeless wormhole.

 

[misterical]

I'm re-reading my post and I'm guessing that a lot of people's first thought will be that my experience doesn't sound any different from any other model/regular relationship. I find it hard to explain. This is not my first rodeo. I've been doing this for about 7 years off and on. I've been a regular before. This is different and while I can't exactly pinpoint what the intangibles are, it's not the same as my previous experiences.

 

[InannahQoH]

I dont think it matters where you set the boundary's. As long as boundary's are clear to both.
And honest.

 

[inertvolcano]

I have developed a decent friendship with a couple models that I met via camsites. I have found personally that a critical thing is to keep track of the money I am spending on them. I budget a specific amount and I don't spend more than that. And if I've spent my limit, I don't spend time in their rooms until my budget resets.

Maybe this sounds neurotic but I need to make that separation if we're going to manage a friendship along with the performer/patron relationship, and it's worked. Our friendships have developed and we talk all the time via WhatsApp/Insta about lives, school, kids.

And I think the guys who get "scammed" would have been fine if they had some financial discipline. And I don't mean to sound cruel, I am speaking from the experience of having gone overboard when I first discovered cam sites and I developed this "strategy" because of it so I get how it happens.

 

[cbhours]

I have developed a decent friendship with a couple models that I met via camsites. I have found personally that a critical thing is to keep track of the money I am spending on them. I budget a specific amount and I don't spend more than that. And if I've spent my limit, I don't spend time in their rooms until my budget resets.

Maybe this sounds neurotic but I need to make that separation if we're going to manage a friendship along with the performer/patron relationship, and it's worked. Our friendships have developed and we talk all the time via WhatsApp/Insta about lives, school, kids.

And I think the guys who get "scammed" would have been fine if they had some financial/emotional discipline. And I don't mean to sound cruel, I am speaking from the experience of having gone overboard when I first discovered cam sites and I developed this "strategy" because of it so I get how it happens.

/\ This, but I added emotional discipline

 

[misterical]

/\ This, but I added emotional discipline

Yeah, and I think this is the one area of danger for a friendship type of relationship. The more you get to know someone and the more you spend time with them then the more you might feel inclined to tip them. It's probably important to have that discussion with the model along the lines of:-

"I can't tip all the time, but I will tip what I can, when I can."

That way you set the expectation and don't end up guilt tipping beyond what you can afford.

 

[Smoothie]

It’s tough to give cookie-cutter advice on this, in my opinion.

Having read the countless “fell in love” threads here over 2.5 years or so, two of the common tendencies of those members are very hard to “advise” someone against: addictive/obsessive tendencies, and self delusion.

On the addiction/obsession topic: it can be intoxicating to have someone act in flirty ways toward you, especially if you’re lonely, vulnerable, etc etc. That feeling can be quite a rush. That’a what I mean by addiction here. Not to cam sites, but to that feeling some guys get from a cam model’s attention.

If you feel like you can’t pull yourself away from a model’s room or can’t stop obsessing over what she’s doing/with whom, treat it like you’d treat an addiction. Get away from it. Stop visiting the places where the triggers happen (her room, cam sites in general, social media where you might communicate). Change your environment and hold yourself accountable every day for finding something more constructive to do with your time. Same thing if your addiction is focused on porn or spending money. Isolate yourself from the places where you fall off the wagon.

That’s similar advice to what they tell alcoholics. Change your circle of friends, stay out of bars, and so on. But… if you’ve known anyone with an addiction (and I think we all probably have, or even were that person), you know addicted people are hard to reason with once the addiction sets in. (I believe this is why the “fell in love” threads here are often so frustrating to participate in… we’re talking to the addiction, not a rational person).

As far as delusion goes, that’s also something very difficult to talk someone out of with rational advice. Delusion is irrational. So right away, you’re using reason with a person who has (knowingly or unknowingly) abandoned reason in favor of a mental state that feeds their obsession.

 

[inertvolcano]

Yeah, and I think this is the one area of danger for a friendship type of relationship. The more you get to know someone and the more you spend time with them then the more you might feel inclined to tip them. It's probably important to have that discussion with the model along the lines of:-

"I can't tip all the time, but I will tip what I can, when I can."

That way you set the expectation and don't end up guilt tipping beyond what you can afford.

This is why I don't go to the rooms at all if I don't have the money set aside for tipping. My resolve will break and I will tip anyway. I also think it dovetails neatly with what you wrote:

• I don't hang around her room all night. It puts crazy pressure on her to interact with me and also on me to be an ever present. That's tiring for both of us. I always remind myself that she is on work time and I am on leisure time.

This was helpful for me to read, because I sometimes feel guilty not hanging out in their rooms, especially the one model I know who works extremely long double shifts for a studio.

 

[misterical]

This was helpful for me to read, because I sometimes feel guilty not hanging out in their rooms, especially the one model I know who works extremely long double shifts for a studio.

Your mileage may vary on this one. I can only speak from my experience. Some models like that level of company. Personally, I found it really hard to maintain. From her perspective, she needed room to breathe with other customers without having to consider me. Now I tend to pop in and say hi at the start of her shift and then for a bit longer at the end of my night to say goodnight and shoot the breeze. The secret is that less is more. I probably spend about 1 hour of her 8 hour shift with her of an evening. I think it's also a good way of making sure you don't run out of things to talk about.

 

[inertvolcano]

Your mileage may vary on this one. I can only speak from my experience. Some models like that level of company. Personally, I found it really hard to maintain.

Oh yeah this is entirely from my perspective, not the model. My friend who has long double shifts would love me to spend hours with her, tips or no tips, but I just can't do it and feel a little guilty. So having that perspective of work time vs. leisure time is helpful. As has been discussed elsewhere, I need encouragement to "not be that Pisces."

 

[misterical]

Oh yeah this is entirely from my perspective, not the model. My friend who has long double shifts would love me to spend hours with her, tips or no tips, but I just can't do it and feel a little guilty. So having that perspective of work time vs. leisure time is helpful. As has been discussed elsewhere, I need encouragement to "not be that Pisces."

It's no different from any other friendship. It's got to be enjoyable. If she worked in a bar, you probably would soon get sick of going sitting in the bar keeping her company all night, every night. Same principle applies. The thing I find hardest is that because she is always only a click away, it's hard to know she is online and not visit. I really have to make a concerted effort to keep my distance.

 

[bbc003]

Cam sites are not dating sites--don't go to a cam site to try and date or marry anyone
No one owes you anything, ever.
Tips are just tips.
Treat others the way you want to be treated (as in how you approach someone in the real life, day-to-day world).
Respect the model's boundaries.
Trust is earned and easily lost.
Sex work is work.
Being friendly doesn't mean you are friends and there's nothing wrong with that.
Go touch grass--cam rooms can be a lot of fun, but there's a lot of other fun things to do in life as well.
If you're no longer having fun, it's time to try something else.

 

[rockin_rod]

I do also tip from time to time.

I'm struggling with this part in particular. All well and good about becoming friendly, if that truly suits both of you, but this is her job.

 

[misterical]

I'm struggling with this part in particular. All well and good about becoming friendly, if that truly suits both of you, but this is her job.

Presumably you are querying how much and how often. When I say from time to time I'm not talking once in a blue moon. I'm talking regularly.

 

[misterical]

Treat others the way you want to be treated (as in how you approach someone in the real life, day-to-day world).

I mean, all of your other tips are correct and excellent but this is the best of them all. The number of guys I see enter a model's room with a horrendous opening line is ridiculous.

 

[Deleted member 45270]

Because ultimately, this is a branch of adult entertainment that is built on personal relationships.

I may be mutually friendly towards someone who cuts my hair, a cashier in a supermarket, a waiter in a restaurant - and other places that I'm a regular to, and we may chitchat, and I may even tip them.

But I am not their friend and they are not my friend. I don't go to these places to develop a personal relationship, and anyone who has that in mind going into a camsite should not be on a camsite imho.

I personally think it's unhealthy to call yourself friends when you don't know their real name and all of your interactions are on their work profiles. Is that really a "friend"?
I'm wholly against websites and models calling members friends because of the lines that blur. I understand community is important, and a mutual good time is important. But at the end of the day, you're getting a service by an entertainer. It's nothing more.

 

[misterical]

But I am not their friend and they are not my friend. I don't go to these places to develop a personal relationship, and anyone who has that in mind going into a camsite should not be on a camsite imho.

I think that's a bit of a blinkered view. I think one of the main appeals of camsites over porn is the human interaction. The interface of most major platforms has a chat panel, not just a bunch of buttons to press to get your sex robot to perform how you wish. I think it's inevitable that people will form friendships. Are these friendships the same as real life ones? No. Not remotely, but they are still friendships in the confines of the weird bubble that is cam sites. If something bad happened to my model friend in her real life or in her working life then I'd be concerned about her. That's how human beings function. Yes, I get it's not the way cam sites were envisaged as operating but like all things, humans ended up bending it to their own ideas of how it should work.

 

[misterical]

But at the end of the day, you're getting a service by an entertainer. It's nothing more.

And it's no different when a model and member are friends. Once that private show button is pressed it's all business. An entertainer and customer. Until such time as that button is pressed though then it's two people having a chat.

 

[MarieElise]

I invited my hairdresser over for a BBQ. Bitch never showed up.

(loosely related right? )

 

[Smoothie]

I invited my hairdresser over for a BBQ. Bitch never showed up.

(loosely related right? )

Have you tried tipping her more?

(Sorry, couldn’t resist )

 

[MarieElise]

Have you tried tipping her more?

(Sorry, couldn’t resist )

Lol I know you meant it tongue in cheek but, I literally tipped her $100 per cut. She was honestly that good though. Had me by the pussy balls.
Some people are just that talented, and in that high demand.
Not even kidding. This time.

I gave up on hair cuts. No one is ever going to live up to her.
(sorry to derail).

 

[inertvolcano]

I think that's a bit of a blinkered view. I think one of the main appeals of camsites over porn is the human interaction. The interface of most major platforms has a chat panel, not just a bunch of buttons to press to get your sex robot to perform how you wish. I think it's inevitable that people will form friendships. Are these friendships the same as real life ones? No. Not remotely, but they are still friendships in the confines of the weird bubble that is cam sites. If something bad happened to my model friend in her real life or in her working life then I'd be concerned about her. That's how human beings function. Yes, I get it's not the way cam sites were envisaged as operating but like all things, humans ended up bending it to their own ideas of how it should work.

Read what @KMH wrote, and what she was responding to a little closer. She's saying that members shouldn't show up to cam sites expecting personal relationships with the models. Many models are on these sites not to have friendships, but to get paid. These sites are already crowded with members with no respect for boundaries, and it is aggravating to run into people who expect a friendship when all you want is to get paid for doing your job. It has to be aggravating to see those boundaries get blurred when things are called "friendships" when they are a part of the illusion and the transactional interactions of cam modelling, and giving people that incorrect expectation. @bbc003 wrote early "Being friendly doesn't mean you are friends and there's nothing wrong with that." and I took it to be in line with that.

I didn't take it to mean incidental friendships aren't possible, but not everyone wants one and nobody should ever expect one from a business interaction.

 

[Deleted member 45270]

And it's no different when a model and member are friends. Once that private show button is pressed it's all business. An entertainer and customer. Until such time as that button is pressed though then it's two people having a chat.

But they're logging on to work and entertain, not to hang out with friends as if it's after-work hours. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of fun to perform and watch a performer, but you're blurring the lines calling them a friend; I'm glad you can see that it's within the confines of their job, but it's still parasocial-like behaviour. sfw streamers on twitch/youtube go through this, too.

I've had so many friendly conversation with other models here and elsewhere, tipped people, and root for them, but I can't call anyone a friend. That's a personal label, and I don't want to blur lines or put anyone else (or myself) in an awkward gray area position.

I hope this isn't derailing since you brought up lovescams, because I personally think it's on a similar level from the model's POV.
"You're my friend!" vs "You're my boyfriend!".. are those terms really any different? They make the member feel like they're a part of the model's personal life/feelings. I just can't see how it benefits the model or the member long-term.
How can I tell the difference between a member who wants to respect my personal life but calls me a friend, vs someone who truly believes they're my friend?
How can a member tell the difference between a model who wants their fans to feel a part of a community, vs someone who truly thinks of them as a friend?

 

[THE MOLLIE MARIE]

Once that private show button is pressed it's all business. An entertainer and customer. Until such time as that button is pressed though then it's two people having a chat.

For me it's more like, once the "start stream" button is pressed, it's all business.

 

[Deleted member 45270]

I didn't take it to mean incidental friendships aren't possible, but not everyone wants one and nobody should ever expect one from a business interaction.

^this, but once that "friend/friendship" label starts getting used and the friendship isn't actually real and being developed on a non-work site, I think the lines are blurred, regardless of if it's coming from the model or member.

 

[misterical]

Read what @KMH wrote, and what she was responding to a little closer. She's saying that members shouldn't show up to cam sites expecting personal relationships with the models. Many models are on these sites not to have friendships, but to get paid. These sites are already crowded with members with no respect for boundaries, and it is aggravating to run into people who expect a friendship when all you want is to get paid for doing your job. It has to be aggravating to see those boundaries get blurred when things are called "friendships" when they are a part of the illusion and the transactional interactions of cam modelling, and giving people that incorrect expectation. @bbc003 wrote early "Being friendly doesn't mean you are friends and there's nothing wrong with that." and I took it to be in line with that.

I didn't take it to mean incidental friendships aren't possible, but not everyone wants one and nobody should ever expect one from a business interaction.

That's all fair comment.

 

[Coffeelounge]

Nothing wrong with making friends online. Sounds like you got someone that you enjoy spending time with and vice versa.

Definitely good to keep it light hearted and just enjoy each other. I have a few friends online as well, one in particular from a video game that I met online that we both play together, super cool !

 

[misterical]

Nothing wrong with making friends online. Sounds like you got someone that you enjoy spending time with and vice versa.

Definitely good to keep it light hearted and just enjoy each other. I have a few friends online as well, one in particular from a video game that I met online that we both play together, super cool !

Interestingly though, it's clear that everyone's experience is different. I've not had cause to doubt anything because I've been the one being pursued for the friendship to a large extent. However, it seems that for models it can range from good company to a situation where they need to fake their own death (badly). And for members it can quickly turn into lovebombing hellfest of jealousy and paranoia.

 

[AmberCutie]

I've definitely got a few members who have turned into what I call "online friends". This means that they are only interacted with online*, and within the boundaries of my online cam persona. And as soon as they stop respecting that boundary I can cut them off with the click of a button.

So it's a different kind of friendship, because there ARE expectations which are set by the fact that we met via my job as a flirty Internet entertainer.

*online doesn't just mean on the cam or content site, I tweet with them and used to snapchat with them regularly on my cam-persona accounts and legitimately enjoy our interactions

 

[Danigirl]

"Dani" has some online friends that only exist to me when I am broadcasting and a select few that are on Snapchat. Outside of broadcasting and marketing off cam, there's radio silence. IRL friends do not get silenced or put on hold til the next scheduled broadcast. There's some fantastic members that I truly adore interacting with who respect me. They tell me all about their life without me prying but they only know the fantasy that I portray to them online. Because Dani isn't real. The moment that respect with members gets twisted, they're banned without a second thought. It's a business move to save my emotional boundaries. I don't do that to my IRL friends. My actual friends don't pay to be in a relationship with me. When even good members no longer tip, I back off- not unfriendly or rude, but it crosses a boundary I have too. I would find it disrespectful to my husband if I kept sexual "friendships" with guys without the transactional part.

I think there should absolutely be boundaries in place between models and members. While camming can be so much damn fun with normal dudes, it also attracts a bunch of crazy, sick, or mentally unstable individuals. Sometimes getting too chummy can let personal details spill that should best be kept quiet.