I'm another mug who has fallen for a girl I met in a cam room.
I use AW and LJ. I can't remember how long I have been using cam sites. I'm 45 now, so probably since there was such a thing lol
There have been many girls I have got to be friendly with, once or twice I have swapped numbers and had contact outside the rooms. Some were obvious scammers, instantly asking for money, or obviously just trying to keep a customer hooked in. I had no problem with that, we all have bills, right? mostly though, it was just a kind of typical, fleeting, "internet friendship" But....even now, after all this time, even I have somehow managed to fall for an EE cam girl. I considered my self immune to this, I'm too mature, too experienced, I know who I am and where I am coming from, I understand that it is all fantasy, not a dating site etc etc....or so I thought. Emotional connection in shows was never my thing anyway, it was always just about sex for fun, sex as a sport.
She is different from any other I have ever chatted with and I am sure there have probably been thousands by now... I know, I know, all us old fools say that but please, bear with me on this...
At first, she was just another new girl on the site. I wasn't even all that keen at first, she isn't the physical type I usually go for and wasn't particularly "tuned in" to the things I like. She is young, 19, and was very innocent and inexperienced at the beginning but she is very cute, so I added her to my rotating list of favourites. Girls come and go, so over the years, I have learned to keep a list of favourites that I constantly adjust. This is just to make sure I never get bored, or don't have someone to play with that I know and who knows the things I like. I am dominant and like BDSM games. One night, I logged into her group chat and had an amazingly erotic session where I was in contol and she gave me veto over the other members' requests. It wasn't planned or discussed beforehand, it just kind of happened that way. Everyone had a great time. Afterwards, some of the other members even wrote to me to say so lol. I know sometimes models are faking orgasms etc but this was one of those times when that was not the case. I am certain she enjoyed it and not just because she said so. Anyway, afterwards she and I went into pvt, she was still naked and we chatted for a little bit. I like the BDSM sessions to be very dark, so I always try to make sure the model is ok after (and usually before as well) and understands that it is just a game, even if only to ensure I can get a repeat performance and not be thought of as complete asshat. Suddenly, I began to feel very differently about her. I asked her to dress, she looked cold. As we chatted, I realised that I wanted to put my arrms around her, I wanted to cuddle her, stroke her hair, all that shit. I started to go to her room more and more, not always to repeat the session I described, but more and more just to be with her, to talk to her and listen to her talk, to hear about her life and hopes etc. I was visiting the other models on my list less and less often, some of them were messaging, asking where I had gone but more and more, I only had eyes for this one model.
One evening she made a comment along the lines of "I'm entertainment to you, that's how you see me, isn't it?" and I suddenly realsied that that was not the case at all, I had developed real feelings for her, I started to think about her during the day and I had started to spend much more than usual. Over the next few days, I opened up and told her about these feelings. She responded with the expected, "I really like you too, I enjoy our time together" etc etc, responsive but non-comittal. Professional, is how I would describe her responses.
For some reason I have yet to assertain, I , in my infinite wisdom, decided that it would be perfectly fine to flirt with falling in love with her, even though there was no chance of anything really happening. Maybe it was hubris. I thought I could allow these feelings to grow for a little while, it felt good to feel that way about someone. I have been single for a long time through choice. It was a novel idea for me, to let some of the walls down a little, to allow myself to expose some vulnerability. It was exciting, thrilling and a tiny bit frightening after so long. She tried gently to put me off. I think she could see that I wanted a more GFE type of thing. She said she couldn't understand why a man would want that and said she didn't want to lead me on. Genius that I am, I assured her that it was ok, she couldn't hurt me beacuse I didn't expect anything from her and I was a big boy who could look after his own emotional wellbeing. It's hard to explain the attraction. Maybe I have a Madonna/Whore complex, I don't know but she is actually unbelievably sweet, kind and in a way, pure of soul. I would have a few drinks and totally love bomb her in the chat, she seemed to really enjoy it. I would get messages from her every day on the site, not asking when I would be back spending but asking about my day, asking how I am, telling me how much she loved the romantic messages I would send her. I enjoy writing, she loves romantic fiction, so we were having a lot of fun and, I thought, growing closer all the time. Soon enough, I was asking her to meet IRL. I'm in Ireland, she is in Ukraine. Flights are cheap. I asked her to dinner, at my expense. I spent ages trying to reassure her that it was safe, trying to come up with ways where everything would be anonymous and out in public. Trying to reassure her that it wasn't for sex, that I didn't expect that and all the other nonsense that old fools like me use in these circumstances. After a few days, I realised that I was being stupid. I told her as much and promised to let the matter rest.
Except, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I couldn't control the feelings any longer so I did something, um, underhand? I wanted to test her. SO I said I couldn't come on the site for a while and could she please email me and left my email address. To my surprise she emailed me the next day, asking if I was ok and had something happened to me. I made some excuse about not being able to use the site for a while. This meant that I couldn't log on there or my lie would be exposed but I didn't care because she was now the only girl I was interested in, not just on cam but for real. For the next 2-3 months we swapped almost daily emails. Her English isn't great, I think she uses Google translate, so the conversation can be a little stunted. As my feelings for her continued to grow, the emails became more and more romantic. She sends me pictures and has sent me pictures of herself outside work, on her vacation etc. She never asks for anything, never asks when I am coming back to spend. I visit her room sporadically, mostly because I just can't resist seeing her. Her eyes make my heart melt. I know, yada yada yada, yawn, right? The weirdest part is this, I don't use any other cam sites any more and when I go to her room, I only want to talk and stare at her like some moon faced moron. Every once in a while, she will make some allusion to meeting but I know it isn't real, just part of the chat, part of the romance fantasy. Lately, I have started to say more things like "I know I will never have you for real", "we will never really meet" because I am trying to extract myself from the fantasy a little, I know it isn't healthy. She always protests but I know it is part of the game.
So now, I have decided to pull back, not to be the one reaching out most. She is getting more and more popular on the site so she will probably forget about me soon enough, if I can stay strong and stay away.
I mostly just wanted to vent, so thanks for reading (especially if you made it all the way to the end lol)
If I have a question it would be this. Part of me wants to explain this to her but I am unsure of my own motives. I am sure there is a part of me that hopes she will beg me not to leave her, I am sure there is a part of me that wants to shift some of the pain of my unrequited love onto her. I know part of me thinks that dumping the chats would be plain rude and hurtful. I know that I am frightened to learn that she doesn't give a shit and might even be glad to be shot of me.
Should I tell her how much it is starting to hurt? is there any point?
I'm so confused and lovesick.
Feel free to tell me I'm an idiot, I am fully aware that I am behaving like one.
