Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[WildFingers]

15 Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!

 

[GweenBlack]

TERRIBLE JOKE INCOMING be warned

How do you know your sister got her period?
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You taste blood on your father's dick







(oh well sorry)

 

[ga5457]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat,
and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville,
WA.There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a
spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman
slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to
a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist,
a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her
to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help
her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then
told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
"recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry,
but due to Obama-Care...they turned you down...

 

[Misono]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

 

[Red7227]

 

[SugaCoated]

how do you get an elephant off the wall???





you jerk him off...hey it made me crack the hell up

 

[WildFingers]

Those damn POMEs and their comedy shows. I've seen so many clips of this show I wonder if it will ever be shown here?

 

[Misono]

Those damn POMEs and their comedy shows. I've seen so many clips of this show I wonder if it will ever be shown here?

That show is hated by normal people in the UK. The only reason it's shown is the elder demographic. You're welcome to take it off our screens tbh.

 

[JerryBoBerry]

Those damn POMEs and their comedy shows. I've seen so many clips of this show I wonder if it will ever be shown here?

That show is hated by normal people in the UK. The only reason it's shown is the elder demographic. You're welcome to take it off our screens tbh.

8.71 million hated watching it this past week. You may be stuck with it for awhile. :lol:
http://www.digitalspy.ca/british-tv...onday-ratings-with-87-million-on-bbc-one.html

 

[Misono]

Those damn POMEs and their comedy shows. I've seen so many clips of this show I wonder if it will ever be shown here?

That show is hated by normal people in the UK. The only reason it's shown is the elder demographic. You're welcome to take it off our screens tbh.

8.71 million hated watching it this past week. You may be stuck with it for awhile. :lol:
http://www.digitalspy.ca/british-tv...onday-ratings-with-87-million-on-bbc-one.html

A relative of mine had it on. Failed to see any humour from a man dressed up as a woman, making predictable jokes and toilet humour. Each to their own, I guess.

 

[ILikeUonTop]

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon.
He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."


I'll see myself out.

 

[Bocefish]

And this is how the fight started...


While walking through the mall, the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, ''honey remember the jewelry store we went into
5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.''

His wife said crying, ''yes I remember that jewelry store.''

He said, ''well I'm in the bar next to it.''

 

[Sienna]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her!!!

 

[Misono]

A man's wife is in hospital seriously ill. He approaches a doctor and asks for an update.

"I'm afraid she's critical", the doctor replied.

"Ah, you'll get used to it after a while.."

 

[Bocefish]

Dutch Oven Revenge

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. She gently pulled the bed covers back, then she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god and some Vaseline I was able to get them back in.”

 

[Misono]

I broke into a building last night, and managed to steal 18 pictures, with the cheapest one being worth £180,000.

Estate agents have really bad security.

 

[ga5457]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife up north were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

 

[ga5457]

SNOW IS LIKE SEX.............. WHY ? ? ? ?
.................................................. .................................................. ........
1---- You do not know how much you are going to get !
2---- You do not know when you are going to get it !
3---- You do not know how long it is going to last !

 

[WildFingers]

Italian golfer goes to the doctor. . .

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

 

[ga5457]

I thought you should know some interesting history to share at an appropriate time for the Sochi games.

I didn't know this.

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic
festival 2,500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, all of the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before
and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of magnificent naked males marching
toward her and she exclaimed:

"Oh!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into "Olympics".

 

[Misono]

I had Dominos for dinner this evening. Broke my tooth on a double six.

----

The Swiss Army must have been confident of their chances of victory if they had a corkscrew in their army knife

 

[pradd1917]

haha!

 

[ga5457]

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

 

[Misono]

The price of this book, brand new http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Feed-Yo...1391745028&sr=8-1&keywords=living+on+£4+a+day

 

[ga5457]

BIOLOGY EXAM:


This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.


And then the student was stuck.


Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:


7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

 

[jeff98902]

So a old blind man walks into a bar.

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blonde, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blonde. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

 

[jeff98902]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[Misono]

I've always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide.

Fanta sized, actually.

 

[Bocefish]

 

[jeff98902]

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men, than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental. Whereas ,men are just grateful!