Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[God]

a doctor gives a girl an exam and when she takes off her shirt there is a letter "Y" on her chest.
she explains that her boyfriend goes to Yale and never takes off his shirt.

the same doctor gives another girl an exam and when she takes off her shirt there is a letter "H" on her chest.
she explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and never takes off his shirt.

the same doctor gives another girl an exam and when she takes off her shirt there is a letter "M" on her chest.
the doctor asks if her boyfriend goes to Michigan and she says "no, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin".

 

[LiLredhairedgrl]

So a man and a woman are lying next to each other in silence when finally he says "what's wrong, you can't think of anybody else either?"...

 

[LiLredhairedgrl]

Q: What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle? A: A dilldoe
Q: What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear? A: You suffer from pickled hearing!
Q: What do you call a pickle you buy at a great price? A: A sweet Dill!
Q: What do you call a pickle doctor? A: A dill pusher.
Q: What is the pickle's philosophy of life? A: Never a dill moment.
Q: What do you call the pickle that got run over on the highway? A: Road dill.
Q: What does an agreeable pickle always say? A: I relish the idea.
Q: What does the non-believing pickle say? A: You're gherkin my chain.
Q: Who is the pickles' favorite artist? A: Salvador Dilly.
Q: What is the pickles' favorite classic movie? A: "To Dill a Mockingbird".
Q: What's the pickles favorite game show? A: Let's Make a Dill.
Q: Where is the Liberty Dill located? A: In PhilaDILLphia.
Q: What are pickle's horrible domestic partners? A: Because they're always Green with Envy.
Q: What do you say to a pickle that is freaking out? A: Just dill.
Q: What do you call a female pickle that horses around? A: A filly dilly.
Q: What is green and has two wheels? A: A motorpickle.
Q: What is the baby cuke's favorite TV network? A: Pickleodeon.
Q: What is baby cucumber's favorite toy? A: Pickle Me Elmo.
Q: What do you call money made in the Pickle Industry? A: Dill Dough.
Q: What happens when you use pickles for a ping pong game? A: You get a volley of the Dills.
Q: Where did the pickle go to have a few drinks? A: The Salad Bar!
Q: Why are pickles in sandwiches so polite? A: They’re well bread!
Q: What happens when a PICKLE is bored? A: He becomes very DILL!
Q: What do you get when you cross an Alligator with a pickle? A: A crocoDILL!
Q: Why do gherkins giggle a lot? A: They’re PICKLish!
Q: Who does a boy cucumber dig the most? A: The PICKLE DISH!
Q: What is green and swims in the sea? A: Moby Pickle!
Q: When can you put pickles in the door? A: When it’s AJAR!
Q: Why did the cucumber need a lawyer? A: Because it was in a pickle!
Q: What is green and dangerous? A: A thundering herd of pickles!
Q: What’s green and sour and swims in an aquarium? A: A trop-pickle fish!
Q: What do you call a frozen pickle hanging from the roof? A: An Icepickle!
Q: What is green and pecks on trees? A: Woody Wood Pickle!
Q: What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh? A: Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!
Q: Why doesn’t a pickle like to travel? A: Because it’s a JARRING experience!
Q: What business does a smart pickle go into? A: He opens a DILLY-catessen!

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjo ... jokes.html

 

[Bocefish]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.




















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

 

[SD_36]

 

[Brad]

Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
Football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the Coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The Old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says "I will never forgive you for making
us move to Chicago!
:-D

 

[ga5457]

: The Sensuous Wife

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you
ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled
approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled
up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and
excited, to which she replied............

"Go look in the garage," .

 

[Misono]

A pommel horse walks into a parallel bar.

The barman says "is this a joke about gymnastics?"

The horse beams.

 

[WildFingers]

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

 

[ILikeUonTop]

A man was traveling on a ship when a storm came up and the ship was lost. He washed ashore on desert island along with a german shepherd and a sheep. He and the animals survived for many years. The man was very lonely and dreamed every night about making love to a woman again. Finally, he couldn't take any more and decided that he was going to have sex with the sheep. Whenever he tried to go to the sheep, the dog would growl and bark and keep him from getting anywhere near the sheep. The man couldn't believe it and became very frustrated. This went on for months.

One day, the man walked down to the beach and saw a beautiful woman laying unconscious on the shore. She too had been shipwrecked. He picked her up and took her back to his camp and spent days nursing her back to health. When she finally woke up, the man explained that he had been on the island for years and that they were alone. Finally, the woman said

"You must have been very lonely on this island for so many years. If there is anything...anything I can do to repay you for saving me, all you have to do is ask and I will gladly do it."

The man looked at her and said

"Actually, there is. Would you mind holding that dog so I can go fuck that sheep?"

 

[eyeteach]

Superman is flying on his way to the Superheroes Convention when, with his super hearing, he hears a very strange yet erotic noise. Concentrating on what this sound might be he comes to the conclusion that it's the sound of a woman in the throws of passion. Using his super eyesight he scans the ground below him for the source when he sees her: a woman laying ass naked on her back with her legs in the air shimmering and shaking and thrusting herself to an orgasm. Superman thinks, "Hmmm, with supersonic speed I can fly down to her, knock that pussy out and be gone before she knows what hit her!" So he does that; using his supersonic speed he flies faster than a speeding bullet down to the woman, fucks her then flies off leaving only a sonic boom behind.

Wonder Woman looks up and asks, "What in the world was THAT???"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know but it tore my ass up!"

 

[jeff98902]

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow shit.



I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck that, I’ll just get a tan instead.


One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger!

 

[Bocefish]

Kids say the darndest things...

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'


_________________________

 

[jeff98902]

Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? :-D

 

[pg240]

A condensed version of a long, drawn-out story best told aloud:

A man sits down in the barber chair and starts talking about his upcoming trip to Europe while the barber snips away with the scissors. But the barber criticizes him every step of the way. Wrong airline, wrong itinerary, wrong hotels, wrong restaurants, wrong time of the year, wrong everything. As he's getting out of the chair, he tells the barber that the highlight of the trip will be a trip to the Vatican to realize a lifelong dream of seeing the pope. And, of course, the barber belittles that as well, telling him he'll never get to see the pope and even if he does it'll just be a glimpse of him on a balcony from far, far away. Don't even bother going, the barber says.

A month or so later, the man is back from his trip and visits the barber. He raves about the trip. Everything went great. Flights, hotels, weather. Everything. Perfect trip. But the highlight, he says, was at the Vatican, where he and his wife actually got an audience with the pope for being such good lifelong Catholics. "It was awe-inspiring to be in his presence," the man said. "I approached him, went down on one knee to kiss his ring and was just reveling in the moment. And then the pope spoke. He said, 'where did you get that shitty haircut.'"

OK, you may groan now!

 

[EdgarAllenWhoa]

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?...

uh huh...u thought about that for a second...don't lie



Cheers Folks you have been a dynamite audience
Please try the Fish...GNITE!


:character-hobbes:

 

[jeff98902]

Telling an angry girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat. :biggrin:

 

[Misono]

Buying car insurance today, I asked my current insurer for a competitive quote, to which they responded "We will fight them on the beaches".

 

[Bocefish]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ----watch the watch."

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact! "SHIT!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

 

[JerryBoBerry]

 

[jeff98902]

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...

 

[ga5457]

 

[jeff98902]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

 

[eyeteach]

I used to be into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality but after awhile I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

 

[SexySkylar]

Since its so close to Halloween, lol

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

 

[Misono]

The UK coalition government has recently given the go-ahead for a new nuclear power station. Dangerous, unpopular and prone to meltdowns, the coalition government has been in power since 2010.

 

[jeff98902]

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem.

he comes out of nowhere!


Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines everywhere!


My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books!

but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

 

[Misono]

Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex; you know you'll get it, but it's going to be a rough experience.

 

[JerryBoBerry]

Sitting so close to Halloween I figured I'd post a classic.

 

[WildFingers]

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing
but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says,
“Well, he’s certainly not my husband.

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says,
“He’s not my husband either.

He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
“Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this golf club.