Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[WildFingers]

My neighbor's wife, Julie, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, he got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, he undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[EdgarAllenWhoa]

This guy said to me, I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched.


For the Aussies in the house :

So I met this fella with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen by ABBA on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.






Please remember folks to tip your wait staff...G'nite

:character-hobbes:

 

[VenPerv2]

Two statues, a male and female were in the park, they had been there for over 100 years, one day god came to them and turned them into flesh and said you have 1 hours to appreciate the gift of life that i have given you,

So being forced to see each other for so long in their naked forms they headed to the nearest bushes, after about 45 mins of grunting and groaning and much shaking of said bushes they both laid back for a rest, the male statue turned to the female statue and asked "well we still have 15 minutes, do you want to go again?" the female statue replied "sure, this time you hold the pigeon and ill take a shit on it".

 

[WildFingers]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ' ' NO! ' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was ' NO! '

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven? Again, they all answered ' NO! '

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? ' A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.

 

[WildFingers]

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.

Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.

Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"


"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

 

[camstory]

supplies

Gold mine.

Mine owner needs to hire 3 workers, and finds the last three standing on the wagon trail in front or the, "Camptown Miners Depot"
Back at the mine with a wagon full of supplies, and new bucket rail cart, he tells the three of their duty's.
there's one big assed wop, a strong wiry looking mick with turrets who every now and then yells out, "FFFUCKIN COLE!" Or sometimes, "AWSHIT'ROTTEN'TATOES", and a little chinky fella that might not be as strong as a real fella, but he could prolly cook about anything it things got tough, and he would keep em from ever getting too board at night cuz they could prop a section of track between two trees and make lee get up on it. Then the owner and other two could sit there close by sharpinni their knifes and hatchets, and whatnot, and a singing, "chink chank cninaman, sitting on a rail, along comes a white man and cuts off his tail"
Well the owner figures the big Wop should work the pick getting the stuff out the wall, and the mick with his wiry build should shovel the tailing into the bucket cart and push er out empty and back down, and lee well he wasn't much good for nothing but he could do the woman's work, cooking, and maybe he could learn the wash, and he would also be in charge of supplies.
Well it turns out the quarts that the gold is all caught up in is as hard as rock, and the wop breaks his pick not once but twice, and no matter how he yells for lee to bring him a new one, he can't raise him. Mick had the same problem and had to get his own shovel and the picks for Joey. and now he's yelling, "FUCKIN CHINK" About time to knock off and the owner tells the two others hes going for beer to bring some back cuz it was well known that all the bars for miles didn't allow miners. When the owner gets back down in the mine he sees how mad the wop and the mick are cuz they have killed the Canary, tho they insist it's just napping. Walkin up out of the mine, they can't figure no reason that little chinky fella would just upen leave, they hadn't even had any fun with him. Right then there's the frightening sound of rock rolling the wall and hitting the floor, right there a pillar shakes and as fast as a cave-in out jumps lee in front of them with both arms raised above his head, "SUPPLIES, SUPPLIES, SUPPLIES!" YELLS LEE.

 

[EdgarAllenWhoa]

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. I’ll hold your pot belly pig.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

why do ducks have flat feet? to stamp out forest fires.
why do elephants have flat feet? to stamp out burning ducks.




< taps on microphone> I know your out there folks, I can hear you re-loading...Thanks Gnite!

:character-hobbes:

 

[WildFingers]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Toronto Argo and Maple Leaf season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

 

[Michael_G]

 

[WildFingers]

An older friend of mine sent me this in an email today. I think he may have added #7 to the original 6.

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2.00 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un leñador vende un camión cargado de madera por $ 100. Su costo de producción es de $ 80. ¿Hizo un beneficio?

7. Teaching Math In 2013

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it’s redistributing the wealth.

 

[Nordling]

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

 

[rexcode]

More of a practical joke, but it's a pretty good one. Best free porn site on the internet!

http://mr-desi.com/fun_pages/freeporn.html

 

[Michael_G]

Love this one. :-D

 

[emptiedglass]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted!

 

[emptiedglass]

Why do the ships of France's Navy have glass bottoms?
So that they can see their Air Force.

 

[WildFingers]

Yearly mouse test. Have you tested your mouse lately?

http://www.randyhanshaw.com/Humor/HTML/Flashers.htm

 

[WildFingers]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.”

 

[bawksy]

A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcoholic, and it's destroying his family.

 

[WildFingers]

The teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up? - “Little Johnny: "

I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. And you, Susie?

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

 

[WildFingers]

ll depends on how you look at it. . .

Two Women were chatting in office..

Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.
When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??

Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill;
so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour
and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

 

[WickedTouch]

The Afterlife…

Worried about there being no afterlife, a couple decide to make a deal, whoever dies first will come back to inform the other if there is an afterlife and what it's like.

The husband dies soon after and true to his word he reports in the next week.

"Liz, Liz" he whispers

"Is that you, Fred?" she replies "What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex, followed by breakfast. I go off round the golf course, I have sex again, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice to finish the morning off. I start the afternoon with lunch, go for another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex all afternoon. After supper, golf course again and then sex again until late at night."

"Oh Fred, you must be in heaven?" grins Liz

"Not really" says Fred... "I'm a rabbit in Ayrshire!"



A Brush With Death:


A middle aged woman has a severe heart attack and is rushed to hospital. After a quick jolt of the defibrillator, she is revived, and she tells the doctors she had a near death experience. “I Saw God”, she explains. “He told me that it wasn’t my time and that I had a good 35 years of life left on this earth.” The woman makes a good recovery, and as a result of her meeting with God decides to revamp her image and checks into a clinic for some cosmetic surgery. The works: nose job, liposuction, boob job and a new haircut. After a few weeks the transformation is complete, the scars have healed well and she leaves the clinic feeling great. She steps outside and as she is crossing the road, a truck ploughs into her, killing her instantly. The woman goes to heaven and stands in front of God in a fury. “I thought you said I had another 35 years left!” she cries indignantly. “What can I say?” God says, obviously embarrassed. “I didn’t recognise you”

 

[WickedTouch]

Two Blind Pilots:

The passengers on a commercial airliner are all sat on the plane waiting for the cockpit crew to arrive so that the flight can get underway. Finally, the pilot and co-pilot appear and begin walking across the tarmac towards the plane. It doesn’t go unnoticed that both men appear to be blind. The Pilot is holding a white cane and only narrowly avoids being flattened by an incoming 747, while the co-pilot is being dragged down the runway by a guide dog. Both men have their eyes covered by huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers giggle nervously, thinking that it must be some kind of practical joke, as the pair jostle their way onboard. After a few minutes, the engines power up and the aircraft begins to move to its take off position. Looking decidedly uneasy, the passengers begin to turn to the flight attendants for reassurance that all is well, but suddenly the plane starts to accelerate as it prepares to take off. Pure panic now sets in amongst the passengers as the plane hurtles towards the end of the runway. Some start praying, others adopt a crash position, while others just become hysterical. As the plane thunders on and on, closer to the end of the runway, the tension runs higher and higher, until with barely 100m to go, everyone starts to scream loudly. At the very last second, the plane lifts and takes to the sky, gracefully rising upwards, as if nothing was wrong.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and turns to the pilot and says… “You know, one of these days those fuckers back there ain’t gonna scream… and we’re all gonna get killed.”

 

[Rose]

:shock: I'm never flying again......

 

[WickedTouch]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he
can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies with a smile, "I think you're the father
of one of my kids."


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all
my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?"


She looks into his eyes and calmly says ,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

[WickedTouch]

MAKING A BABY...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.""Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said."Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots."

"Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted...

 

[WickedTouch]

Little Margaret Mary…

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School...usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again; Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f****ing thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

 

[sweetiebatman]

Whats brown and sticky?!





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A STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[WildFingers]

Communication between Men and Women

A wife says to her husband, "Could you please go to the store and buy a
carton of milk? And if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later, her husband returns with 6 cartons of milk.

His wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

[WildFingers]

Dirty Little Johnnie

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the beating of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses.

 

[WildFingers]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..