Hitting the "ban button" on people in your life.

[MojitosJourney]

Since I started working as a webcam model this July, I learned pretty quickly the importance of "banning" harmful people who were in my chatroom. If someone was racist, abusive, manipulative, disrespectful, trying to use me, or any other kind of behavior that didn't fly with me, I learned how I could quickly and easily say "buh-bye!"

I started hitting the ban button. A LOT.

For every $100 I've made as a webcam model, I've probably kicked or banned 5 people from my chatroom. For a woman who was previously NOT ASSERTIVE AT ALL, this has been incredibly liberating.

The interesting part is that this has started to carry over into my personal life, in my relationships outside of webcamming. This week has been pretty intense. I had to temporarily "ban" both a friend and an immediate family member from my life, two unrelated incidences.

Why? I believe when we allow someone behavior that harms us to REMAIN in our lives (or in our chatroom), we simply attract more of that behavior. We don't meet partners, friends, bosses, or clients that treat us or others right because we are too busy still wasting our time with the ones that don't. Also, keeping these people in our lives can harm us.

I'm fairly new to setting boundaries for others behavior if they want to be in my life, and I am curious what yours are. (Both members and models please feel free to answer these questions.)

1) On the internet, what merits a ban, block, or ignore from you?

2) In your "real life" outside of the internet, what merits cutting someone out of your life?

 

[Tomtom197]

1) online it is how they show respect and act with dignity. I am old school so these two are a must. You can see this in how they treat others and how they treat themselves. My struggle is when I see harmful actions in other people and my online friends don't see it. How to communicate it without appearing to be a judgmental hag or as a jealous person.

2) IRL, I am pretty shielded and keep a lot of people at arms length. This way I don't have to get into a lot of you cut off scenarios. Some has to do with the type of work I do and having to not get attached to coworkers so that I can be fair when problems arrive and be critical when I need to be and not have to worry about feelings.

 

[mutantdonut]

I closed my facebook account well over a year ago since deciding to keep in contact with a select few people. I'm tired of being the one initiating contact when no one else communicates with me unless i contact them first. And a few these people were once considered close friends, now seemingly don't care enough to keep the friendship going. It basically felt like a one sided effort.

 

[DiscoStu47]

1) Online, just be decent. I get so tired or frustrated with commentors or people online who are rude, mean, derogatory and you know there's no way in hell they'd ever be like that with someone in person. People who resort to personal attacks and invectives over differences of opinion drive me nuts. In the cam world, people who deal with models like they're your personal plaything or don't deserve just basic respect. I mean, every model is a regular person with hopes, dreams, feelings, opinions that are just as real and valid as anyone else's, don't go into a room and start ordering them around and telling them how you're going to 'ravage them anally' or that 'she obviously wants to be your cum bucket BB'. Just don't.

2) In real life, everyone is stuck dealing with tons of people they wouldn't necessarily want to otherwise (co-workers, other parents, neighbors etc.), but the people that I try to avoid as much as possible are those with excessive negativity. I can deal with a lot, but if you're virulently racist, homophobic, super-selfish and inconsiderate or always tearing those around you down, I just don't have time for that or want it in my life.

 

[GreatDane]

1) On the internet, what merits a ban, block, or ignore from you?
Constant neediness, always wanting validation or constant drama of always trying to one up someone or always having one more problem with XYZ or PDQ or or, you get the idea. To date there is only a few people that I allow in my private space that I find objectionable for reasons other than they really get under my skin.

2) In your "real life" outside of the internet, what merits cutting someone out of your life?
Real life people tends to be a little different. business life means that I have to deal with people and their racist, bigoted, one sided beliefs because of business, IF they refuse to pay, THAT is the main thing that will get someone ignored, "BLACK LISTED" in my line of work. I have to put up with a LOT to stay in business. Family life, mess with me all you want to, mess with my kids or my wife and I will end you without hesitation. Have physically escorted a person from my house for saying something bad about my wife.

 

[Sci_Lume]

1) On the internet, what merits a ban, block, or ignore from you?
I am currently in the dilemma of deciding whether or not to block my first person EVER! I haven't in my very short time on cams come across any abuse or indecency (apart from someone picking up on a zit I had, which I found hilarious). The issue I am having is someone who is just over the top constantly telling other members we are an item, or trying to pick silly arguments with other members basically creating drama, this for me is kind of expected as a male dealing with gay men and yes I am sorry women but still there is a limit. The reason I like to keep him about is he talks all the time, if the room is slower he brightens it up, and i like that he interacts to other users (even if sometimes it is a bit controversial)! BUT for the big one he is a grey member on chaturbate and to add to what i previously said he regularly makes subtle or blatant hints for freebies and to be honest I am sick of laughing it off now! (maybe naivety in thinking he will become a regular tipper in the future) What you think? Instant BLOCK or maybe a private word!

2) In your "real life" outside of the internet, what merits cutting someone out of your life?
Far too deep for me to think about right now Good vibes only! But more than anybody could ever do over any cam site.

 

[MojitosJourney]

1) On the internet, what merits a ban, block, or ignore from you?
I am currently in the dilemma of deciding whether or not to block my first person EVER! I haven't in my very short time on cams come across any abuse or indecency (apart from someone picking up on a zit I had, which I found hilarious). The issue I am having is someone who is just over the top constantly telling other members we are an item, or trying to pick silly arguments with other members basically creating drama, this for me is kind of expected as a male dealing with gay men and yes I am sorry women but still there is a limit. The reason I like to keep him about is he talks all the time, if the room is slower he brightens it up, and i like that he interacts to other users (even if sometimes it is a bit controversial)! BUT for the big one he is a grey member on chaturbate and to add to what i previously said he regularly makes subtle or blatant hints for freebies and to be honest I am sick of laughing it off now! (maybe naivety in thinking he will become a regular tipper in the future) What you think? Instant BLOCK or maybe a private word!

2) In your "real life" outside of the internet, what merits cutting someone out of your life?
Far too deep for me to think about right now Good vibes only! But more than anybody could ever do over any cam site.

I think you should block him!
If you need to keep greys around to chat, the ones that ask for freebies and are clearly getting off on some (free) fantasy about you - such as being your boyfriend - or anything else emotional or sexual - need to go.

 

[Sci_Lume]

I think you should block him!

Yep I think that is convincing enough for me! Cheers for the advice

 

[shylurkerdude]

I think you should block him!
If you need to keep greys around to chat, the ones that ask for freebies and are clearly getting off on some (free) fantasy about you - such as being your boyfriend - or anything else emotional or sexual - need to go.

Totally agree with this, also he might be costing you tips. In my experience on CB, blues don't take to well to greys acting up in main chat. Some might just move on and find another room.

 

[CrazyCatLady]

After the death of my husband I became very very assertive with banning people from my life.

It started about 6 months later when I started dating again. Every one had some negative bullshit to say. I remember sitting in my living room one night and saying to myself "this guy on my husbands team who is judging me had a new girlfriend that he introduced to his child before his divorce was even final...and he is telling me that I'm a whore because I'm dating 6 months after my husband died...which is FINAL and not changing. All these guys welcomed here with open arms and we're HAPPY for him...but I'm not allowed to move on too?"

I had been through so much...and when I realized that people would insult my happiness after something so horrible...and I would let it make me unhappy I knew I needed to change my approach. I just cut everyone out. I had never been happier.

Funny enough I give people in my chat MORE leniency. I figure they don't know me. They don't know what I've been through. Unless they are intentionally being rude I give them a lot of chances. I feel like many come to camgirls because they struggle with how to interact with people. In 18 months I have banned less than 40 people. Many people who initially came off bad/crazy have become pretty regular/good tippers.

 

[Sci_Lume]

I needed to change my approach. I just cut everyone out. I had never been happier.

Wow so strong! Great deal of respect from me!

 

[LaceyRoyce]

1) On the internet, what merits a ban, block, or ignore from you?
If their presence in my room is negatively impacting me and there's no easy way for me to fix this. So, if its a random troll.. obv saying "hey thats out of line, please dont do it again" wont work. With a friend or member i know stepping boundries by accident, a simple "hey here's my line, please dont do that again" is usually enough. If it's not, then i ban/block/iggy.

2) In your "real life" outside of the internet, what merits cutting someone out of your life?
Not much, i have doormat tendencies and this hard for me. Looking back on my past behaviour I have cut people out of my life when I realized they had zero interest in my wellbeing, were physically violent with me. I have solved other issues with people that I really needed to remove ... or lay down stronger boundries with by moving around the world.. or country. I'm trying to get better at teaching people in my life how to treat me. I'm pretty good at it online.

 

[LadyLuna]

Online, I'm mostly on Streamate. So, I ban if someone is asking for something illegal, and otherwise only ban for someone pushing me to do something I've said no to. I had to learn the hard way that saying "no" to people looking for daddy's little girl play just results in an exclusive with them starting by saying they won't ask for it, then trying to sneak it in later (which ends with me banning, logging off, and crying for about 10 minutes, followed by an hour of calming down). So I ban those people as soon as they ask, or if it's someone with "Daddy" in their name. If we're already in private when they ask, I give them one warning ("That word does not belong anywhere near a sex site"). Usually they leave. When they don't, it's almost always completely killed the mood for me. One guy managed to salvage it afterwards and I still have no idea how he did that.

When I was on MFC, I've banned for bringing the room's atmosphere down. I've banned persistent beggars, and anyone who doesn't accept "no" the second time. (On MFC, I never had the issue of Daddy people trying to sneak it into a private later)

In real life... I tend to ignore, rather than ban. And since I'm really bad at keeping in touch regardless, most of the time the person doesn't notice. A few times, a friend has cut me out because I don't communicate often enough and that was bringing them down x.x. I'm a bit much of an introvert.

Only once can I remember actively "banning" someone from my life, and it lasted 4 months. My adoptive parents got way too clingy when it was time for me to graduate college and move out on my own. Their attitudes were bad enough that friends who had never met them and hadn't heard anything about the issues recognized that something was off within 10 minutes of the friends arriving at the graduation luncheon. In July, I started having nightmares that they were going to kidnap me to bring me home, so I stopped responding. I sent one email when they threatened to shut off my phone (I didn't have a job yet, and was making lots of phone calls trying to find one, which was "suspicious activity".). In October I got a letter from my mother that was half guilt trip and half apology. In November I had to break the silence because I got in a car crash and I was still on my dad's insurance. It was hard to stay silent that long, but they finally let me grow up, and 9 years later things between us are mostly good. I still get nervous when visiting, but it's much less than it used to be.

 

[n_i_c_u]

1) On the internet, what merits a ban, block, or ignore from you?

Pretty much just a person being malicious or having ill intent or just disliking me. I am a super slow person with relating to people (I don't expect feelings of a person to change over night) so I don't exactly know when a person is being mean or dislikes me, and to be honest, typed words can be hard to figure out, sooo it usually takes me a couple days to figure out that something is haywire. I've had instances where I needed to change a rhythm for personal reasons and the change was bad for a model (on MFC). I've also had instances where my rhythm didn't fit in and I got so much crap for being that weird platypus in a crocodile reality on other message boards (baseball, rock bands).

2) In your "real life" outside of the internet, what merits cutting someone out of your life?

I did that with my Father and brother. Other people are easy to cut out because I don't put up with bullshit anymore (once I figure it out). Family is a different thing--something there. My Father wanted a daughter to compliment his older son to create a nice family. Apparently I ruined his dream because I was born a boy. I got reminded of that a lot growing up ("You were supposed to be a girl"). I also got reminded of how I should be better or be like other people who he sees as socially acceptable (too many instances to quote). About 4 years ago I said I wasn't going to visit anymore -- it seemed that my being there caused him to raise his voice every time I was present and talking and, he is getting older and blood pressure and stuff. All in all, it would have been nice to have my Dad like me for being me instead of wanting me to be someone else. Bahh humbug!

My Brother just got weird when he had a child--I don't even know how to explain it. I just said "fuck that shit." We kinda talk every once in a while, but, he's easier to say "Fuck No" to his weirdness than my parents.