Ever been involved with a jealous, controlling psycho?

[justjoinedtopost]

If you have, I would love to hear some of the early warning signs that you missed. Things that should have given you pause. Things that were a sign of trouble ahead. Tia.

 

[Rose]

He took my phone, so I took him to court. Yup, that was pretty much it. It seemed off so I asked some trusted adults who were adultier than I and I took him to court. Every year or so he'll pop up again, but I have a lovely shiny thing in my mother's closet that I remind him about and he slinks back off to his hell hole. Keeping my pitbull around helps too.

A big thing to always look out for is if they try and isolate you from peers and family, whether you had previously established quality relationships or not isn't the point. If you get involved with someone and they start nixing all your relationships left and right, they need to go. Someone worth their salt won't make you cut all past ties just because they're in the picture now. Predators work most efficiently when they have their prey cornered.

 

[David_Lee_Loca]

Yep, I wasn't allowed to have friends, but it started in subtle ways, like suggesting they were a bad influence. He would convince me that they didn't really care about me at all so that I wouldn't even want to see them. But if I did try to go hang out, then obviously it was because I wanted to go be a dumb party slut. He made it so it was either them or me. He had me convinced I would never find another person who could love me. Then came the name calling, then making me do things in bed I wasn't comfortable with, then came the physical violence.
After I finally opened up to my loved ones, he disappeared. Haven't seen him in over 5 years. Good thing too. I'm connected with some pretty dangerous folks in my town that would love to have a word with him.
My biggest red flag I missed? I was 16. He was 26.
Of course a naive 16 year old easily confuses abuse with love. But I came out okay. And now I'm happier than I've ever been.

 

[Arya Amorr]

Possessiveness is one of the more common signs, I usually found it flattering when guys wanted me all to themselves. But the whole "you're mine, no one else can have you" thing is cuter in romance novels than it is in real life.

I would also watch out for the phrase " You're the ONLY thing that makes me happy" only being the key word, I've noticed that when guys say this they are making you responsible for their happiness and if they're unhappy it's also your fault and your job to fix. Don't date a guy who makes you totally responsible for his emotional well being, Especially if he doesn't hold himself accountable for his emotions and how he acts on them.

Watch out if they talk shit about women in general ( like they're mean to their moms, their ex girlfriends, insult women in general, blame women for being single in the past) they will pull the you're not like other girls bullshit on you to make you feel special. It will not last. This is a big red flag. One that I missed with my ex boyfriend who, when I asked about his girlfriend, called her an evil cunt.

 

[lunarxkittn]

My ex was a textbook narcissist. He loved to surround himself with people who he deemed were less intelligent than himself and tell stories about subjects only he knew a lot about (mostly trivia), so they would be impressed. He accused me of fucking every single guy friend I had behind his back, which was him projecting bc he was fucking someone else. At that point he was going through my phone constantly. When I left him he would drive by my house and honk a lot but never step out or come say anything to my face.
He would point it out when men looked at me in public like it was a big deal.

Always was the one telling stories. Eyes on him constantly. If they were inn me, he felt threatened, would accuse me of cheating etc. ugh.


Also anyone who makes your finances their business
Or takes credit for actual work you do,

 

[Ambers Troll]

Just., sounds like you are playing the treat 'em mean keep 'em keen game. Insecurity describes the jealousy part, nothing anyone can do for that. You live with it/ ignore it or move on.

Possessive is a whole other game, psycho disguised as jealousy. It is an attempt at control not sincere insecurity.
The psycho part comes from selfishness, selfishness looks like strength at first (sometimes a play at vulnerability, emotional strength i.e. a jealous display), usually you are in trouble by the time you discover there is no real interest in you. Displays of selfishness are massive warning signs of all kinds of trouble.
Good test: Tell someone like this something real, something that matters emotionally to you, they will lead the topic back to themselves. If they do this consistently be scared.

 

[xDolly]

Possessive, narcissist, had set 'rules' and was always trying to take my phone. Like, no. We're adults.

There's a bit more, but I don't want to go into detail.

 

[Teagan]

3 things that are flags to me not mentioned yet.

1. Any man who when you ask about their exes never has one nice thing to say about them. Every single ex is a cunt, whore, did him wrong, was stupid, and so on with out ever saying one redeeming quality about them. Obviously there was good or they wouldn't have been together but if after the fact and years later every ex was just a terrible person and all around disgusting human being i'm sure as shit gonna be suspicious and wonder about his perspective on things.

2. Every relationship they claim they did nothing wrong ever. Not only does he not say one good thing about their time together but also every single problem they had was on her. He bears no responsibility and acts like he was the perfect gentlemen at all times and the perfect bf. She did this and she did that is all that comes out of his mouth, and it's never accompanied by a "well I did do xyz..." Again i'm gonna question his perspective and be suspicious as hell. The odds of someone not doing a single thing they should be sorry for is slim to none. Were human and make mistakes and when you can't admit them and just blame others it tells me a lot about them.

Of course there are exceptions. Some guys may have only been with 1-2 long term partners, dated rarely, or such but if there is a string of girls littered behind him and he claims angel status I'm gonna bolt. I don't care to be the next girl and these guys are just bad news and lead to nothing good ever.

3. Trying to change your look. I understand men have preferences but if he tries changing every thing about you it's time to change the man. He wants your hair a different color, he wants it styled different or cut or grown out only, wants to go shopping with you and you can only buy what he likes, tells you to change your makeup, and all of this is said to you relentlessly and persistently until you do it how they want it only. It's fine to mention your girl would look better with a new haircut but it's how these guys say it. It's the difference of "you'd look great with hair like this" and "you hair looks like shit, when you gonna cut it how I want it already." When you show up for a date and it's "You know I hate that dress on you." It's always a dig and a manipulation at your self esteem. That the only way you will look good enough for them is to be what they like and there is no other way. Changing your looks is usually one of the first signs of a controlling man. It's how they start small with looks and then turn to things like your personality.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Just., sounds like you are playing the treat 'em mean keep 'em keen game. Insecurity describes the jealousy part, nothing anyone can do for that. You live with it/ ignore it or move on.

No, I'm sitting this round out. Not playing. This is a young person's game.

Looking for some good tips from people who have more experience with this than me. It is for a young girl, somewhat vulnerable due to inexperience. Already seen her get toyed with a little by the emotional manipulators a couple of times now (guys she is meeting on the camsites she works). But now one has her ear that needs to be taken a little more seriously; she is going to his country in a few weeks, and she is planning to meet him irl.

I hope this is her Cinderella story, but I am a cynic when it comes to these things. A few things I have learned that I am not crazy about...

The age difference...almost 15 years older than her. Younger guys may be notorious liars, but older guys can be really adept ones imo.

The "nice guy" stuff...we all do this of course. "Oh, I don't want to put you under any pressure, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, blah blah blah..." Exactly the same sort of nonsense I said when I was trying to contact her away from the sites. Not saying he isn't a nice guy; just saying it shouldn't be taken at face value.

The way they met...on a camsite. From what I understand, he chats with other models too. Doesn't come to the rooms anymore though. Interactions all away from the sites. (these are the impressions I got from our conversations, not entirely sure how accurate this is). Which brings me to the point that really raised my eyebrows, made me wonder...

Possessive is a whole other game, psycho disguised as jealousy. It is an attempt at control not sincere insecurity.
The psycho part comes from selfishness, selfishness looks like strength at first (sometimes a play at vulnerability, emotional strength i.e. a jealous display), usually you are in trouble by the time you discover there is no real interest in you. Displays of selfishness are massive warning signs of all kinds of trouble.
Good test: Tell someone like this something real, something that matters emotionally to you, they will lead the topic back to themselves. If they do this consistently be scared.

This.

She shared a remark he made to her that has alarmed me. Something about he cannot watch her cam, because he is bothered by having to share her sexually. This may be a normal feeling that was shared in passing, idk. Maybe nothing.

But I suggested that she do a bit of subtle probing in this area, just to be on the safe side. I like your test. Good idea.

 

[MFCGod]

3 things that are flags to me not mentioned yet.

Those are very very good points Teagan

"Any man who when you ask about their exes never has one nice thing to say about them. Every single ex is a cunt, whore, did him wrong, was stupid, and so on with out ever saying one redeeming quality about them"

People's dating history, or lack thereof, tells you a lot.

When I hear people say how they got "revenge" on an ex or an old friend etc, it always makes me very wary

If they're capable of doing it to someone else, they're capable of doing it to you.

 

[Teagan]

Those are very very good points Teagan

"Any man who when you ask about their exes never has one nice thing to say about them. Every single ex is a cunt, whore, did him wrong, was stupid, and so on with out ever saying one redeeming quality about them"

People's dating history, or lack thereof, tells you a lot.

When I hear people say how they got "revenge" on an ex or an old friend etc, it always makes me very wary

If they're capable of doing it to someone else, they're capable of doing it to you.

Oh gosh yes the revenge thing!! Totally true !! Always something to look at when people say it. Dating or in a friend. "She cheated on me so I sent her entire family, friends, and church members all the dirty info I had on her. She deserved it." RUN! As fast and far as you can. That's a great thing to bring up. I'm sure we've all thought about getting back at someone who wronged us and ruining their life for forever but people who act on it are deplorable.

 

[Violet Dawn]

I had a boyfriend in high school that seemed like he was on the path of this stuff. A few red flags were 1. Him actually accusing me of possibly cheating on him when I had a male friend over, while he had a (what he at the time admitted was a very sexually promiscuous) female friend over at the same time. 2. He always wanted me to go on runs, and almost never let me eat at his house. He said I had too much body fat... although I was underweight. 3. He told me I could never study aboard, become a lawyer and I didn't need to go to college because he was gonna live the great gatsby and "We are gonna be rich I'll take care of you, bb." 4. He always accused me of cheating (yet he cheated ALL THE TIME) and insulted the quality of my guy friends. "They wanna fuck you, BUT, they're just... less than so I'm not worried." He even got really paranoid about my girl friends, even though I didn't like women. I think he had mommy issues. But the part that makes him kind of psycho is it's been 3 years and he's still cyber stalking me. He even told me his therapist told him he has a "psychological hold on me." Kinda creepy.


I also had another boyfriend in the 8th grade who started cutting himself in front of me when I broke up with him. He gave me his cat and cut himself. He and I both laugh at how stupid it was but at the time I thought he was gonna kill me or something in my sleep.

 

[gingerhobbit]

...wants to go shopping with you...

Biggest red flag of all, right there.

...He gave me his cat...

Can we break up so I can give you my cat? She is a giant pain in my ass.

 

[lacilemondrop]

Reading this forum is like reading the play by play of my last relationship. I missed the initial red flags. He wanted to change my hair color. Told me not to dye it that awful red color when I brought up my hair appt. He told me my sense of style was cheap. This continued until two years in I was finally acceptable to him but would look in the mirror and didn't know who I was anymore.

Another red flag I missed was the way he viewed women. On one of the first dates we ever went on, he noticed a bruise on the waitresses arm and commented BC she had forgotten something on our order, 'that she must not know how to listen at home'

Also watch out for anyone that can't take no for an answer when they offer you alcohol. His drunken control freak state should've been a red flag warning me of his underlying intentions to control me.

It came to a point where I woke up one day and realized I was living for HIS happiness and not my own. I had to ask myself if anything I tried in the last two years had worked to 'fix' him but it had not.

These kinds of relationships are the kind where you might know someone in one and say to yourself, wow I'd never let that happen to me. Love is blind and I know now that sometimes the red flags are VERY easily missed!!! Listen to your gut BC it's never wrong.

 

[Worship Jaclyn]

Oh oh!
So my ex did weird shit for about a year before she started just beating the shit out of me for breathing. Like choosing what I wore (wanting me to look sexier though, not to cover myself more), getting me to choose someone we had a threesome with and then freaking out and saying it was a trap just to see who I'd choose so she would know who I was apparently secretly in love with, trying to get me to flirt with other people and sleep with other people which I never did just to prove a point that I wouldn't so she could feel like I was loyal to her or something and not letting me talk to men at all like she would order food for me if we had a male waiter.
Once the more physical abuse started they weren't really warning signs anymore, I know who she was I just chose to stay because I was a damaged as fuck little girl. She would cheat on me a lot and rub it in my face, ask her son if he thought I or the girl she just fucked was prettier (he is a teenager now and treats girls like shit, shocking right?", she isolated me from my family because they didn't like her and would make me feel guilty about it, she would throw food at me which is weird but I had an eating disorder which puts it on a very disturbing level. I tried to leave her once and she sliced her face open and just like smeared blood all the fuck over my house. She got 16 stitches in her face, the girl wasn't messing around.
Red flag number one! She was 25 and I was 16. Age is a number and I am all for age differences but being 16 and her being so much older made me feel special and put me in an even more vulnerable position. She was an adult so surely, she knew how relationships worked right? That's what I thought. Also, the age difference was a pattern for her and that is gross. She must be 36 now and she is still dating girls who are late teens to very early twenties and for one very good reason, they are the only people capable of falling for her shit.

 

[Ann_Sulu]

Watch for:
Possessiveness/jealousy
Tries to change your personality or appearance
Doesn't let you act like yourself around others
Acts as if you can't take care of yourself without them
Not letting you do/have things you want (aside from of course if it costs too much or is unhealthy)
Seems nice and caring, but has a temper tantrum when you say no to something they want.

Spoiler: Long story of how I learned these things from the nut that I was married to for 7 years:

My folks were over-protective/sheltering, so basically my ex husband was more or less like a green card marriage, but just to get away from parents. We eloped to make it easier. It was kind of the same for him, since his mom basically would nag him to move out all the time, but he didn't have anyone to help with rent. We met in college, and had enough in common for a couple of young, clueless, 19 year olds to think they could base a relationship on that alone.

The first sign of things going bad, was when he wouldn't let me do things that were not only simple, but would actually make both of our lives easier. For instance, my over-sheltering parents never let me get my licence, and for some reason, he too just couldn't find time for it. His main excuse was, I had my permit, and why do I need one when we only have one vehicle? >.<' Another thing was one day when my phone died (not entirely sure if he didn't do something to it), and he wouldn't let me get a new phone, because of expenses.

He was the type who was passive aggressive until he'd explode. In the beginning of our relationship he'd sometimes say things like "slut" or "whore" in bed (I just took it as if it were dirty talk), and get a bit too rough, but later...it wasn't just in the bedroom. He'd also make suggestions about how he'd think I'd look "better". He would always suggest something that would be extremely unflattering. I never would do any of his suggestions, but it generally involved tacky makeup, bad dye jobs, or something or another that was not only unappealing, but generally would put an unhealthy strain on me.

We had a shared bank account that had money disappearing from it mysteriously all the time. He would never explain this. We would barely see my parents, and see his all of the time.

I generally didn't bother talking much at these events, because he always would find some way to yell at me for doing so.
After we got married and moved, we lived quite a ways from my hometown, I had no ways of communication with anyone unless he was present, and no car. Every time I'd get along with a friend, he'd decide they had ulterior motives, and I'd never see them again. We worked at the same place, and same shift, since we only had one vehicle. Right after I started camming he quit his job. He was going to school, but pretty quickly stopped, which sucked, because I was paying for him to go even if he didn't attend class.

No matter whether I had a good idea or not...I was wrong, and he was right. He did this to everyone, not just me. He's the type of guy who will stand behind something no matter how wrong he is.

After I started camming, he went crazy with paranoia. He would log into my model account on MFC while I was online, and go through everything. If he didn't like someone, he'd ban them. He later started admitting to do this, and asking about privates I had. He wanted details as to what happened, and would ask if I preferred the guy vs him.

There were even some that I found out he had sent fake emails from another account to make me believe they were stalkers. I only knew this, because of an auto-fill, after it opened I saw the sent email and everything. Let's just say that those were some really awkward MFC mails explaining why they were banned and why they were now unbanned...

Eventually he didn't want me working on MFC, due to how chatty everyone was. Later he got the "brilliant" idea that since we were bad at finances (that is he was bad at not spending them on weed, and alcohol) we should move. He didn't really say much more than that. One morning I woke up and he had bought cruise tickets to Barcelona after seeing they were half off...yep, he was a special type of lunatic. That was the moment that happened I pretty much shut down all emotion. I was like that until 3 months later, when he had spent the little left of our finances on liquor, and we had to use his mom's 401k to get back to the US. I was pretty much constantly being asked why we did this, and I just told them to ask him. He was pretty much unintelligible rambling nonsense.

Models on this forum helped me a TON. I had just enough time to sneak off and use a computer in the airport to ask for help in model's only. A couple of model's met up with me, and quite a number kept in contact just in case.

He stayed with his mom for a bit, and I with my folks for a while. I got a restraining order, which he broke. He sent me a message through facebook, saying "Remember I loved you" I called his mom, and said if he wasn't dead I'd kill him. He reportedly was going to jump off a bridge, but a cop saw him in time. He was taken to a mental hospital, where he told his mom he found out through the internet I had cheated on him, hence him having a breakdown. She decided to enable this lie, and took him home, where he immediately went on facebook, and spread the lie further.

I pretty much had to come clean as to being a camgirl at this point, so they would know I hadn't cheated. It didn't score any brownie points with the majority, but at least it was the truth.

It's sad that I know I would've had a much better life without that chaos, and would've done far better on MFC, if it hadn't been for all of his insanity. It was however a massive learning experience, and after our divorce in 2013 I left the state, and have had a MUCH happier life since.

 

[ThePrincessLuxy]

Peeping into your girlfriend's camroom while she's working because you're insecure she's opening member's cams....

 

[lunarxkittn]

Peeping into your girlfriend's camroom while she's working because you're insecure she's opening member's cams....

UGH I know someone who does this.

 

[gingerhobbit]

Suddenly, making jokes about cats in this thread seems like a dick move. Sorry. And sorry for the nightmares some of you had to live through.

 

[Ann_Sulu]

@gingerhobbit No worries here anyway...I think having a sense of humor definitely helped keep my sanity in that relationship at least. ^.^'

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Spoiler: Long story of how I learned these things from the nut that I was married to for 7 years:

He reportedly was going to jump off a bridge, but a cop saw him in time.

Cops.
Then when you need one, they are nowhere to be found.

 

[ThePrincessLuxy]

UGH I know someone who does this.

What!!!! Why is this such a common thing?!?