Depressive members

[Mel1]

Hi, I have a delicate situation, I have some members, including regulars who have written to me that they are depressed, they write to me that they are always sad, upset. Although I try to make them happy, to do something, to have fun, they are very reserved, most of the time they only give me tokens once and then they just want to talk. How do you proceed in this situation? I feel bad for them but I'm also not here just to talk.

 

[Life_Happens]

I have seen some guys pouring out this stuff in public chat. Sometimes I wonder how true it really is. Like, maybe it is an attention magnet.
Anyhow, it is not your job to be a therapist, in my opinion. Just tell them to seek help somewhere other than an adult website. JMO!

 

[Life_Happens]

Also, you mentioned you do things to make them happy. Maybe that has something to do with it too, since they quit tipping. Just something to think about. Don't worry yourself.

 

[rockin_rod]

Agree with the above - you're there to work, not to offer a counselling service - especially unpaid.
The only thing I would do would be to recommend that they seek professional help - therapy, counselling.
Then politely but firmly set that as the boundary, and move on.
If they're genuine, they should act on that advice; if not genuine, well, they'll know you're not going to do what they're trying to achieve.

I will say that a good friend of mine has allowed a regular to take advantage of her in this way - personally I don't think he is genuinely depressed, but he is lonely and a very controlling influence on her.
He has threatened suicide numerous times to (IMO) get her attention, and he contacts her at all hours of the day and night (her time) which is totally unacceptable.

 

[Mel1]

I will say that a good friend of mine has allowed a regular to take advantage of her in this way - personally I don't think he is genuinely depressed, but he is lonely and a very controlling influence on her.
He has threatened suicide numerous times to (IMO) get her attention, and he contacts her at all hours of the day and night (her time) which is totally unacceptable.

What an ugly situation, I'm sorry.

 

[AudriTwo]

if someone starts talking about their mental health, i put i stop to it in the most kindest way possible. im mentally ill too and im not capable of being a therapist because im hella not qualified. it's also very triggering for me. i tell them they should take the money they spend on adult entertainment and go to a therapist.

i cannot find that woman petting sharks meme that satirizes how sex workers deal with a lot of men with untreated mental illness. @EliMarie717 help me out bb?

you cannot make everyone happy. that is unrealistic. a member's mental health is not your responsibility. you are gonna burn yourself out trying to appease people who don't care about how them unloading their emotional problems on you affects you. some of them are emotional wankers who will do this to everyone to feel some sort of comfort at the expense of others. it's a form of emotional abuse.

 

[rockin_rod]

What an ugly situation, I'm sorry.

She's working on resolving things, but she is a very trusting and kind person and this guy is incredibly manipulative and had her convinced she was the only thing keeping him from suicide, so she allowed things to go too far.

 

[Mel1]

She's working on resolving things, but she is a very trusting and kind person and this guy is incredibly manipulative and had her convinced she was the only thing keeping him from suicide, so she allowed things to go too far.

Thats sick and yes , sound like manipulation. This kind of people are the worst.

 

[MarieElise]

i cannot find that woman petting sharks meme that satirizes how sex workers deal with a lot of men with untreated mental illness. @EliMarie717 help me out bb?

@Mel1

 

[Mel1]

@Mel1

Exactly !

 

[yummybrownfox]

I have seen some guys pouring out this stuff in public chat. Sometimes I wonder how true it really is. Like, maybe it is an attention magnet.
Anyhow, it is not your job to be a therapist, in my opinion. Just tell them to seek help somewhere other than an adult website. JMO!

Good point. There used to be a member on MFC (I think?) who had the word "Wheelchair" in his screen name. It was such a long time ago, so I can't remember whether or not he was going around looking for sympathy freebies/special attention. But when you see a name like that in a room, you can't help but wonder if there's a motive behind it. Besides that, a person is so much more than their disability. Pick a cool screen name for yourself...something positive like @rockin_rod That immediately makes me think of music, and a person jammin' on a guitar.

Ditto to everything that's been said in this thread. Depressed members bring down the mood of the room, and also members who suck at conversation and always come in the room saying stuff like "So what do you think about all those people being killed today in _____?" Um...I think it's horrible, obviously?

 

[SMuser69]

Hi, I have a delicate situation, I have some members, including regulars who have written to me that they are depressed, they write to me that they are always sad, upset. Although I try to make them happy, to do something, to have fun, they are very reserved, most of the time they only give me tokens once and then they just want to talk. How do you proceed in this situation? I feel bad for them but I'm also not here just to talk.

Are they writing you privately or typing in your public room and upsetting the mood? If they are disrupting the mood of the room you need to say something.

If they are writing these things in private on the other hand I would say sometimes all someone really wants is to be listened too. I encounter this in my professional career people that deal with some depression that just need to talk out loud to someone outside their circle to help them vent. I tell them, 'I can't solve your problems but I can listen to them'.

That said you have to weigh your own mental limits also. I would just say that people that tells you about a problem doesn't mean they want you to try to solve it.

But you're not an alternative to professional help.

 

[MarieElise]

Exactly !

Yeah people that are paid by the hour or salaried have time to faff around and deal with this kinda stuff. People that are 100% commission-based, self-employed don't.
Unless it's within the context of a paid talking only show, and we actually want to listen.
Then in that context when the time runs out, so does the listening.

Otherwise, we could go volunteer on a suicide crisis line during our spare time, if that's what we wanted to do.
Lol which brings me to this (below) hahahaha

 

[GraysonDrake]

Hi, I have a delicate situation, I have some members, including regulars who have written to me that they are depressed, they write to me that they are always sad, upset. Although I try to make them happy, to do something, to have fun, they are very reserved, most of the time they only give me tokens once and then they just want to talk. How do you proceed in this situation? I feel bad for them but I'm also not here just to talk.

Personally I'm very glib at first and tell them that they need some oxytocin and dopamine, and then ask if they'd like to have an orgasm with me or tip to see my boobs. Very often this has cheered some of my viewers up, and I also sometimes do some ASMR positive affirmations and JOI if they get a show to help them relax and feel a bit better. Ethically this is the absolute most we should be expected to do.

If it turns into a chronic, sad rambling about their lives type thing I'd probably give them links to mental health resources for their country/area and then tell them that I hope they can find some help but I am very, very underqualified to do so. This is beyond the scope of my job description and I deeply resent anyone trying to make me responsible for their mental health.

If they push boundaries beyond that then I block with zero guilt. It's not my job to help your depression. My job is boners and orgasms, not feeding a bottomless pit of need. My empathy only extends as far as the other person is willing to extend back.

 

[Highlander884]

If u have mods, she if they willing to give the guy a sympathetic ear to listen to? I have done that before.

Again seems most people who chat both behind and in front of the screen have ended up on adult webcam sites because of negative emotions, if it's a regular who u have asked hows their day or been and it's been a bad day then let them vent a little but in no way should u be treated like a therapist. Let them know that but let them down gently at first.

I have been in rooms where sexy fun time got turned into group therapy but that's when the model decided to talk about what getting her depressed, but it always has to be the model who makes the decision to talk about depression.

 

[throwawayacc71]

This is a rough one because they are probably genuinely depressed, lonely. suicidal etc. i highly doubt any of them are intentionally manipulating you for attention.
additionally, the more you feed into this behavior you actually end up indirectly manipulating them in a bad way.

you need to be upfront when it comes to people with mental health problems, it's serious shit.
and you could get abit to friendly with them to the point where they think you're a friend and emotional support.. and when that goes away they are in for a bumpy ride.

Personally i would have a rule, no mental health chat what so ever. no exceptions .

 

[rockin_rod]

i highly doubt any of them are intentionally manipulating you for attention.

part of the problem is that mental health issues can cause people to behave in ways that even they don't always understand or recognise; it may vary too from day to day. And mental health is one of those subject matters that most people are more likely to be sympathetic towards (like, if I ignore them or tell them to leave me alone, what if they get worse or self-harm?) so anyone who is being manipulative may seek to exploit this.

people with mental health problems, it's serious shit.

Absolutely it is serious, but a serious problem needs a trained professional to help. And that should be the advice offered by anyone confronted by somebody with poor mental health.
You can actually do more harm than good if you give the wrong advice. Not to mention the effect it can have on your own mood.
Refer them to sources of help, but set boundaries and don't become a crutch for them.

 

[MsRoxie]

What I do is I offer talk session with them at discount rates. So for example if my rate for privates is $4 per minute, with nudity I offer $1-$2 per minute for talking sessions. i actually advertise those packaged rates with a minimum of 10 min.

 

[THE MOLLIE MARIE]

For some people, it is way too easy to conflate sexual intimacy (that we perform, specifically, in this setting) with emotional intimacy. I think this happens a lot on the platforms we use. Please, know that it is okay to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your business. They are barking up the wrong tree with you.

The fact that they think paying once entitles them to a lifetime supply of talk therapy indicates that they do not respect your time at work, and is just wrong. I'm sorry you are dealing with that. These types of members can be real energy vampires. I think it's best to cut it off as soon as you notice the behavior, you can be brief while remaining sensitive to what they are going to, but not inviting further interactions of that sort. You do not owe it to them to be their therapist. Unless you want to offer that kind of interaction, and they pay a proper amount, like any other service.

 

[Danigirl]

I do not discuss serious mental issues with members. If they're going through a situation and they're in need of cheering up, absolutely! But the emotional drain required in the nature of this business is already high. I'm not qualified to give advise other than to seek a therapist/psychiatrist to someone clearly having major issues. I'm not going to take on that emotional drain or risk. I'm not the appropriate person to even start having that discussion with especially with randoms coming in. I'm a fantasy.

 

[EmilyaKal]

I do not discuss serious mental issues with members. If they're going through a situation and they're in need of cheering up, absolutely! But the emotional drain required in the nature of this business is already high. I'm not qualified to give advise other than to seek a therapist/psychiatrist to someone clearly having major issues. I'm not going to take on that emotional drain or risk. I'm not the appropriate person to even start having that discussion with especially with randoms coming in. I'm a fantasy.

For some, a psychotherapist will not help, just spend the money...

 

[MallorieReese]

Your job as a cam girl doesn't imply being a counsellor or therapist. They could really be depressed, but take everything with a pinch of salt - there are people out there who say use depression as a way of receiving attention. Give them a piece of advice and firmly tell them to seek professional advice. If, however, they insist on talking to you and you are comfortable with listening to them & give them friendly advice, I think that what @MsRoxie is doing is really interesting - offer them talking sessions with a discount.

 

[Tinydickman]

It's difficult but some members will use it to their advantage. Saying they are depressed gives them some leverage, as they get your sympathy. You will speak to them (possibly in private messages), giving them attention. They will make you feel guilty eventually if you stop speaking to them.

I am sorry if this sounds terribly negative but I have been on cam sites for quite a bit. I have seen and experienced all sorts of behaviours and this is my initial reaction to your post. It's just the way it is, people will try to get in with you anyway they can. They likely use the same tactics with other models.

If by any chance it's true then as above, that's a sad situation but it's not your job to be counselling them and trying to lighten the mood. Be honest with them because once you start, there really is no going back, you will have to keep up the "be happy" self motivation speeches and it be endless and when you eventually get tired of it then it may make the situation worse.

 

[darcyduke]

I get it alot too, and can't help but feel it's members trying to make you feel sorry for them so they can get freebies. This might sound negative as hell, but I also have mental issues, and a sexy cam site is not the place to discuss it. We are not therapists.

 

[rockin_rod]

Years ago, a model I regularly visited had a guy that would come into her room and write of suicidal thoughts.
Obviously in addition to emptying out the room of many viewers, it was difficult for her to try and deal with him anytime, but especially mid-show; she asked me if I would talk to him via pm. Against my better judgement, I agreed, because I could see how it was adding stress to her while trying to work.
Anyway, that was a terrible move for me - I won't go into the details, but every single time I joined the room, this guy would start up a pm conversation and pour out all his troubles. His negativity ended up making a visit to that room a PITA whereas before it had been a place of total light-hearted fun and entertainment. In the misguided belief that I was preventing this guy from negatively impacting the model's work, I kept up an attempt to help him for several weeks, until one day it became clear to me that my own mood was very affected, and I was finding going online more like an obligation than enjoyment.
Made the decision right then to tell him firmly that he must seek professional help.

 

[darcyduke]

Years ago, a model I regularly visited had a guy that would come into her room and write of suicidal thoughts.
Obviously in addition to emptying out the room of many viewers, it was difficult for her to try and deal with him anytime, but especially mid-show; she asked me if I would talk to him via pm. Against my better judgement, I agreed, because I could see how it was adding stress to her while trying to work.
Anyway, that was a terrible move for me - I won't go into the details, but every single time I joined the room, this guy would start up a pm conversation and pour out all his troubles. His negativity ended up making a visit to that room a PITA whereas before it had been a place of total light-hearted fun and entertainment. In the misguided belief that I was preventing this guy from negatively impacting the model's work, I kept up an attempt to help him for several weeks, until one day it became clear to me that my own mood was very affected, and I was finding going online more like an obligation than enjoyment.
Made the decision right then to tell him firmly that he must seek professional help.

I've fallen into the trap myself. You want to be kind, so you open the door, and then they never leave you alone and put an insurmountable amount of pressure on you. I'd rather not engage now.

 

[rockin_rod]

I've fallen into the trap myself. You want to be kind, so you open the door, and then they never leave you alone and put an insurmountable amount of pressure on you. I'd rather not engage now.

For sure. And in the example I wrote about, it turned out that the guy just kept on contacting the model offline all hours of the day and night anyway, so my involvement didn't achieve much in sparing the model his attention.
In addition, he totally ignored every single strategy I suggested he adopt to help himself, and (despite my lack of training) I firmly believe that he had no intention of seeking professional help, and was using the situation as an excuse to seek out sympathy and attention. It's a rabbit hole I won't go down again, the only solution is a trained professional.

 

[GraysonDrake]

It's difficult but some members will use it to their advantage. Saying they are depressed gives them some leverage, as they get your sympathy. You will speak to them (possibly in private messages), giving them attention. They will make you feel guilty eventually if you stop speaking to them.

I am sorry if this sounds terribly negative but I have been on cam sites for quite a bit. I have seen and experienced all sorts of behaviours and this is my initial reaction to your post. It's just the way it is, people will try to get in with you anyway they can. They likely use the same tactics with other models.

If by any chance it's true then as above, that's a sad situation but it's not your job to be counselling them and trying to lighten the mood. Be honest with them because once you start, there really is no going back, you will have to keep up the "be happy" self motivation speeches and it be endless and when you eventually get tired of it then it may make the situation worse.

Yup, this is exactly why I set hard boundaries with people like this, even with people I know IRL. They want to hold themselves hostage so they can keep sucking away your attention and emotional resources. If they're actually struggling then they need appropriate outlets. Even if they pay me as much as a therapist I'm still not doing that shit. It's not my job.

The thing you have to remember when you encounter people like this who try to guilt trip you into giving them your attention is that you are not responsible for any of their choices. Even if they actually do something to hurt themselves after you tell them no, that's still a choice THEY made and you are not responsible for it. They could just as easily choose to do something healthy like spend their camgirl budget on a therapist or make life choices to change their situation, so whatever the outcome of your boundary setting is isn't up to you and isn't your problem.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

 

[Ivy69XX]

Because of IRL, you burn out very quickly emotionally.

 

[Smores]

In my experience, the people who say they are thinking of suicide and use that as a way to pressure you into a conversation are not the ones who commit suicide. The people I would call emergency services for are the ones who tell you point black "I am going to kill myself" or who put themselves into a dangerous situation and simply refuse to speak at all. Those are the ones who have given up, even on conversation. If someone hints at suicidal thoughts but without trying to impose a negative conversation on you, I would also worry about them and try to get them professional help.

People who have wrapped themselves up with negative thoughts are next to impossible to change, and they will fight you tooth and nail for every positive thought you give them. You enter into such conversations with the good intentions to make things better for that person, but you are only enabling their bad habit and bad psychology, while really harming your own psychology at the same time. Such people seem to have as their real goal taking down other people to their level.

If I were a model, I would offer a special private rate for conversation-only, and if someone had the habit of chatting me up with negative thoughts, I would immediately shut them down. If I were willing to even talk to such a person at all, I would say "I get paid to talk to viewers, and if you want to talk about your life I can give you a special rate of N tokens per minute."

This is a really difficult topic. I often get sucked into such conversations out of sympathy, but only long enough to determine that the person is not really suicidal and is manipulating me.