For the record, I know this is going to come off as creepy as fuck. Especially to camgirls who, because they are also women, operate from a triple-distilled context of solipsism. You can save the name-calling. I would just like to get some perspective & maybe talk myself out of outting this woman, which I realize is the shittiest thing I can do - and that's why I wanna do it.
Backstory: 3-4 years ago I was surfing a popular red-themed camming site & I stumbled across a girl who I almost immediately liked. She got me. She encouraged my racist jokes & made her own. We listened to the same music, read the same books etc. You get the idea. I never took her in private. Never gave her a dime. She liked me anyway because basically I'm funny af & well-read & those are her sexual triggers.
Anyway, a couple years go by. She disappears for long stretches, so do I. Just living our respective lives. No big deal, we were only buddies on the chatsite. After disappearing for about a year, she came back last summer. I had just moved back from overseas & it was cool being re-united with my hot friend again. After a few months I mentioned to her that sometime in the past I had uploaded one of her model pics to my profile on one of OUR favorite porn sites. I just wanted to know if it was cool or if I should take it down. She responded by visiting the site in her off-hours, making a profile & sending me a private message. I messaged back & we started communicating almost daily. Really deep, personal shit. Becoming very good friends in the process.
After a few months of this we both bit the bullet & admitted being very attracted to each other & we lamented our physical distance (I'm in the states, she is in Romania). We just couldn't stop falling in love (or limerence if you will) & things got very intense between us. She told me I was her best friend & soulmate, she would never leave me, she was in love with me.
I begged her not to say those things unless she truly deeply fucking meant them. I had so many pressures pushing on me irl & failed relationships that I knew if she lied to me, or to put it in girl-code "Changed Her Mind", it would make me snap & I would rather just keep being her friend if she couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in love with someone. She assured me that I could trust her, that I needed to trust her. And I wanted to so bad I just put everything on the line and did.
Things got so much deeper after that. Our sexual & emotional & conversational life just kept growing. We did things we never did with anyone else before (supposedly). We were even having sex when Charles Manson died which was pretty significant for both of us because reasons. We had some arguments & miscommunications sometimes. No major blow-outs or anything. We even seriously talked about what it would look like for her to move out of Romania & come live in the states close to me.
The last time we had sex was amazing. She came 3 times, I came twice. A new record for both of us. But then after that, she started changing fast. Would take sometimes 24 hours or more to answer a text. Refused to answer anymore of my emails, confessing to reading them but then just ignoring them. Would only skype with me once every 7-10 days, often times cutting them short to 45 minutes or less after the norm was a minimum of three hours. She stopped texting me & stopped asking for skype.
I just kept pretending like it was all good. I understood that camming can cause major complications in relationships but it was something we had talked about & were both sure we would confront & deal with when the time came. I would ask her time & time again if something beside work was wrong. She denied it. Said it was just work & life. Which I understand, but I couldn't see how you can just cut off someone you love & blame it on something which had already been happening for years & didn't impact us at all in the first 5 months of our relationship.
I was reaching the end of my patience when I found out she spent New Year Eve in her hometown, with some friend of a friend & nobody else..
I snapped & lost my cool. Called her a liar. Said some other shit, nothing unforgivable. I was just angry.
Anyway, she has barely talked to me since then. Won't even read my texts. Won't see me on skype. Nada. When I do get her in a convo that last more then 5 minutes, I tried my very best to apologize for getting angry. I tried to tell her that between people who shared a bond as deep as we do, nothing is impossible or unfixable. She just kept making weepy excuses about how camming won't psychologically allow her to be in love. Or even allow her to spend any more time with me.
"It isn't you, it's me"
Typically when things like this have happened in life, I just shrug my shoulders & move on to whatever is next. I can't do that with this one. I begged her not to lie me (change her mind, remember?) I begged her to keep it real with me because I didn't know if my heart could recover from another break. I left every door in the world open to her to just be my friend & DONT FUCKING LIE.
Now, rumor has it she is sleeping with the tech support guy at her job..
Romania is a very conservative country. Sex-work is a huge societal no-no. Almost nobody there knows her secret.
I want to make a collage of her sluttiest model pics & include her real name, screen name, website, links to her camming site & relevant twitter accounts. I want to upload this collage to her last 50 public posts on facebook. I then want to private message the image to her parents, her relatives, her friends & ex-schoolmates. Anyone she admires or has respect for. I feel like she stole my sense of being able to trust a woman & why shouldn't I do the same? I've also contemplated going into her free chat and doxxing the fuck out her every single hour of every single day, schedule permitting. I don't know if I will do this, as I don't want some psycho to find her & hurt her. I just want her to lose her job, the job she blames for wrecking our thing. If camming doesn't allow her to form & maintain interpersonal relationships, she needs to stop.
I just feel like she deserves it. I feel like I wouldn't be doing anything except telling the truth. The punishment for her lie is - her truth.
I haven't done it yet. The future is still murky between us but I'm almost 90% sure it's completely done between us. And on the day its 100% done, I feel like I might do the worst thing to her I can possibly do. If she lost everything because of me, I would temporarily feel victorious but I know that later on I would feel like a bastard.
But she needs to know that everything has it's cost - especially lies. It's okay to be wishy-washy about stuff but you don't get to leave a trail of broken hearts behind you & think it's okay because you have a vagina & because you can always log-off..
No. I need to hear some voices of reason about this. I need someone to talk to me about the alternatives between turn the other cheek & fuck the world.
I'm really not a bad person. Not at all. I just can't stop feeling like I need revenge & like she deserves it. Because I know if I do this thing, it will ruin my soul. I will literally kill my fucking self. I don't want to hurt her, but she can't do this & just walk away without consequence.
Help me. Please.
Backstory: 3-4 years ago I was surfing a popular red-themed camming site & I stumbled across a girl who I almost immediately liked. She got me. She encouraged my racist jokes & made her own. We listened to the same music, read the same books etc. You get the idea. I never took her in private. Never gave her a dime. She liked me anyway because basically I'm funny af & well-read & those are her sexual triggers.
Anyway, a couple years go by. She disappears for long stretches, so do I. Just living our respective lives. No big deal, we were only buddies on the chatsite. After disappearing for about a year, she came back last summer. I had just moved back from overseas & it was cool being re-united with my hot friend again. After a few months I mentioned to her that sometime in the past I had uploaded one of her model pics to my profile on one of OUR favorite porn sites. I just wanted to know if it was cool or if I should take it down. She responded by visiting the site in her off-hours, making a profile & sending me a private message. I messaged back & we started communicating almost daily. Really deep, personal shit. Becoming very good friends in the process.
After a few months of this we both bit the bullet & admitted being very attracted to each other & we lamented our physical distance (I'm in the states, she is in Romania). We just couldn't stop falling in love (or limerence if you will) & things got very intense between us. She told me I was her best friend & soulmate, she would never leave me, she was in love with me.
I begged her not to say those things unless she truly deeply fucking meant them. I had so many pressures pushing on me irl & failed relationships that I knew if she lied to me, or to put it in girl-code "Changed Her Mind", it would make me snap & I would rather just keep being her friend if she couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in love with someone. She assured me that I could trust her, that I needed to trust her. And I wanted to so bad I just put everything on the line and did.
Things got so much deeper after that. Our sexual & emotional & conversational life just kept growing. We did things we never did with anyone else before (supposedly). We were even having sex when Charles Manson died which was pretty significant for both of us because reasons. We had some arguments & miscommunications sometimes. No major blow-outs or anything. We even seriously talked about what it would look like for her to move out of Romania & come live in the states close to me.
The last time we had sex was amazing. She came 3 times, I came twice. A new record for both of us. But then after that, she started changing fast. Would take sometimes 24 hours or more to answer a text. Refused to answer anymore of my emails, confessing to reading them but then just ignoring them. Would only skype with me once every 7-10 days, often times cutting them short to 45 minutes or less after the norm was a minimum of three hours. She stopped texting me & stopped asking for skype.
I just kept pretending like it was all good. I understood that camming can cause major complications in relationships but it was something we had talked about & were both sure we would confront & deal with when the time came. I would ask her time & time again if something beside work was wrong. She denied it. Said it was just work & life. Which I understand, but I couldn't see how you can just cut off someone you love & blame it on something which had already been happening for years & didn't impact us at all in the first 5 months of our relationship.
I was reaching the end of my patience when I found out she spent New Year Eve in her hometown, with some friend of a friend & nobody else..
I snapped & lost my cool. Called her a liar. Said some other shit, nothing unforgivable. I was just angry.
Anyway, she has barely talked to me since then. Won't even read my texts. Won't see me on skype. Nada. When I do get her in a convo that last more then 5 minutes, I tried my very best to apologize for getting angry. I tried to tell her that between people who shared a bond as deep as we do, nothing is impossible or unfixable. She just kept making weepy excuses about how camming won't psychologically allow her to be in love. Or even allow her to spend any more time with me.
"It isn't you, it's me"
Typically when things like this have happened in life, I just shrug my shoulders & move on to whatever is next. I can't do that with this one. I begged her not to lie me (change her mind, remember?) I begged her to keep it real with me because I didn't know if my heart could recover from another break. I left every door in the world open to her to just be my friend & DONT FUCKING LIE.
Now, rumor has it she is sleeping with the tech support guy at her job..
Romania is a very conservative country. Sex-work is a huge societal no-no. Almost nobody there knows her secret.
I want to make a collage of her sluttiest model pics & include her real name, screen name, website, links to her camming site & relevant twitter accounts. I want to upload this collage to her last 50 public posts on facebook. I then want to private message the image to her parents, her relatives, her friends & ex-schoolmates. Anyone she admires or has respect for. I feel like she stole my sense of being able to trust a woman & why shouldn't I do the same? I've also contemplated going into her free chat and doxxing the fuck out her every single hour of every single day, schedule permitting. I don't know if I will do this, as I don't want some psycho to find her & hurt her. I just want her to lose her job, the job she blames for wrecking our thing. If camming doesn't allow her to form & maintain interpersonal relationships, she needs to stop.
I just feel like she deserves it. I feel like I wouldn't be doing anything except telling the truth. The punishment for her lie is - her truth.
I haven't done it yet. The future is still murky between us but I'm almost 90% sure it's completely done between us. And on the day its 100% done, I feel like I might do the worst thing to her I can possibly do. If she lost everything because of me, I would temporarily feel victorious but I know that later on I would feel like a bastard.
But she needs to know that everything has it's cost - especially lies. It's okay to be wishy-washy about stuff but you don't get to leave a trail of broken hearts behind you & think it's okay because you have a vagina & because you can always log-off..
No. I need to hear some voices of reason about this. I need someone to talk to me about the alternatives between turn the other cheek & fuck the world.
I'm really not a bad person. Not at all. I just can't stop feeling like I need revenge & like she deserves it. Because I know if I do this thing, it will ruin my soul. I will literally kill my fucking self. I don't want to hurt her, but she can't do this & just walk away without consequence.
Help me. Please.