(Members + Models) How do you lessen parasocial relationships?

[Deleted member 45270]

I think there's a big difference in wanting to support your fav model and wanting them to be happy in their personal life vs wanting to be a part of their personal life.

I've had to talk down and even block people who are beyond the line and want a real relationship with me - everyone in this industry will deal with this, but I wonder if some kind of reminder helps lessen the occurrence. Every now and again, I'll make a public post about how camsites aren't dating sites, and that this is my job. Ultimately I think if someone is too dependent, they'll look at that and say, "well, she's not referring to me!" and keep holding onto the hopes of a real relationship. Still, I feel like there's more I could do, but I'm not sure what.


Members, are there things models have said that you think would be helpful to those struggling with a parasocial relationship?

Models, are there things you say that you think has helped establish professional boundaries?

 

[IsabelaHarlow]

This is a very good topic because I think that every model went through this type of scenario at least once throughout their career. I guess that some people don't understand that this is just a job for us and that we DON'T want to have a relationship with the people that we meet online.
It's like you are at the grocery store, you can smile at the cashier because she is nice to you and welcoming, even have a nice laugh and conversation, but she won't take you home. She sees 1000s of clients everyday and offers the same service to everyone.

 

[jillianna]

It's not exactly the same, but very similar skills that as a unicorn in the swinging lifestyle, I have dealt with that kind of ownership and quick deep attachment on an ongoing basis. It's just the nature of the beast. One line that I have repeated alot is "I already have my emotional needs met elsewhere and am SUPER happy. I need nothing emotionally from you in any way as every one of those boxes are checked" Then constantly reinforcing that message is important-- as I think there is something biologically or psychologically that is always looking for the chink in the armor or what can I give you to make you need/want me. To constantly repeat that there are no cracks that they can provide anything to you emotionally--and to keep up that message-- is helpful, I think.

There definitely are society's archaic influences at play here too. That women couldn't possibly just have sex without emotional attachment forming over time! They think you have to be pretending and its a game of let's break down walls to the real person (although they are already dealing with that person right in front of them.)

Ironically in the lifestyle, it's not just men but couples that get there fast as well. So strange that we can't just say what we mean and it be taken at face value, but it is what is.

 

[inertvolcano]

I'm a member, not a model, and I try to be self-aware and not a creep. I did find myself crushing on someone I support at one point, and what was helpful to me was that she switched the way she talked to me based on how we were interacting. Did I pay for her time? Sexy mode. We're just freely interacting? Cordial but professional. An example would be talking about how sexy her performance was. "Mmm, am I getting you hard?" vs. "I'm glad you enjoy my content."

Of course this relies on the person you're talking to taking a hint, but it helped me to see where the lines were.

 

[Makko]

There's not much you can do about a member falling in love. You can be so careful but any nice gesture or a simple pm can trigger it. But ofcourse there's a difference of an innocent crush and an obsessive member. I've seen both of these more than once.

Many guys are attention whores. And especially if they're lonely and it comes from a beautiful model they may start getting the wrong idea.
Ofcourse it's important to keep your tippers close, but I think it's best to don't make them think your whole world revolves around him and give each member the same level of attention. Both in time and responses.

For me, I had a crush ones, but once I saw the model behaved exactly the same towards other tippers helped me get over it. I never had a crush after that.

 

[ArcticKitty]

I'm not a model or even a frequent user so this is fwiw but I think that if I were a model, I would make a point of openly referring to myself as an entertainer, make remarks like "Welcome to the show/party/club!", compare myself to a stage magician maybe. And with individuals who seemed to be crushing, I'd try to gently remind them that this is entertainment.

I fully realise that plenty of models say some variant of the above and try Not to lead people on and they still have to deal with fixations, of course. It's probably an occupational hazard. Camsites attract guys who are lonely, have social anxieties, etc., in disproportionate numbers and any interaction with a model is personal by definition.

Maybe the only satisfaction is in reminding yourself that you're not manipulative, you're acting in good faith to keep the lines clear, and after that you can't be responsible for someone else's feelings about you.

 

[pg240]

Great topic to introduce. In many ways it's just the nature of the beast. It's quite likely that cam sites attract a lot of guys who aren't otherwise very social -- for any number of reasons. That being the case, the least bit of attention can easily be miscontrued. I know I'm preaching to the choir and not breaking new ground here. I suspect the tricky part for you cam models is somehow balancing the desire for tokens and the possible fallout from developing an obsessive admirer. I think frequent reminders of what the actual relationship is between models and members is a good idea. It's probably obvious to you who needs a reminder about respecting those boundaries. I can't speak for all members, but I know from my experience that it's not difficult to develop an attachment to favorite models and reward them generously for the experience they provide. The trick from a member's perspective is to remain intellectually aware that this is always a professional business relationship and a transactional one. You're selling a product (yourself), and I'm purchasing your time and whatever entertainment you care to provide. And I think both parties need to keep that in mind. I suspect there are models who have purposely "wooed" clients into personal feelings that aren't reciprocated, simply for financial gain. I'd hope not, but it would be naive to think that doesn't happen.

 

[ArcticKitty]

....There definitely are society's archaic influences at play here too. That women couldn't possibly just have sex without emotional attachment forming over time! They think you have to be pretending and its a game of let's break down walls to the real person (although they are already dealing with that person right in front of them.)

You're definitely on to something here, Jillianna! Psychological or emotional and maybe both seem to drive men (and some women, of course) to somehow link affection and pleasure with possession. I sort of can relate in the sense that I typically feel a wave of warmth and affection with someone in the afterglow.

The breaking through to the "real person" part I really do not understand. I've been on MFC and had conversations with models. Normal conversations about normal stuff ranging from vacations to novels/authors we like, so what's not "real"?

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[MarieElise]

I pay really close attention to language and the language they are using, and I try to catch slip-ups and rephrase for people very frequently.

An example would be...

A new member comes to my room and says; "You're gorgeous, please go easy on me and make love to me slow".

I'll respond with something like; "I don't understand what you are talking about." or "I'm here to have fun and make money. If you mean can we do a gfe roleplay, or a sensual domination show, sure, check out my rates for online roleplay shows."

Or a member comes to my room and says;

"I love you Eli, you're just so hot and sweet."

I'll respond with; "I'm glad your cock appreciates me, that means I'm doing my job well. Your penis is the only part of your body that needs to experience any feelings for me... (I mean unless you count your balls, and maybe your asshole too - nothing wrong with a bit of ass play) ".

 

[bbc003]

There's no way to avoid it. As a member you either get it or you don't. Unfortunately a lot of users use the anonymity to behave poorly or they are not well adjusted to begin with or both. The best you can do as a model is protect your identity. How you approach users who act inappropriately will come down to your own personality but you may be unable to avoid being blunt or using a nuclear method like banning depending on the situation. Good luck.

 

[Smoothie]

I’ve seen models take different approaches depending on the situation. One example, which I thought was pretty smart:

The member entered the room with his usual flood of compliments and affection. The model asked him in a laid back, non-confrontational way, “Why are you always so sweet and kind to me? I am not that way with you.” It made the member himself think about what he was doing and try to justify it (in a room full of other members, no less).

While answering her question, you could sense that he knew it looked awkward/creepy when he saw it in writing. He almost immediately started walking it back, and he’s been more professional (in public chat at least) ever since.

But I thought it was a smart approach for the model to take. Instead of shouldering the whole burden of setting this member straight, she asked a friendly question that allowed him to figure it out for himself.

 

[GraysonDrake]

I'm a member, not a model, and I try to be self-aware and not a creep. I did find myself crushing on someone I support at one point, and what was helpful to me was that she switched the way she talked to me based on how we were interacting. Did I pay for her time? Sexy mode. We're just freely interacting? Cordial but professional. An example would be talking about how sexy her performance was. "Mmm, am I getting you hard?" vs. "I'm glad you enjoy my content."

Of course this relies on the person you're talking to taking a hint, but it helped me to see where the lines were.

Yeah this is basically what I do. Even when people are paying for my time and I'm in "sexy mode" I still actively steer things away from any feels territory if a member starts to throw read flags my way. I actively try to give off more of a friend with benefits vibe and reinforce this with my language (hence why I say "dude" a lot, etc) to sort of subconsciously steer people away from becoming overly attached in the first place and view me as more of a gooning buddy than a potential girlfriend. For the most part it's worked. I also don't do GFE for this reason.

I also do a lot of Domme/fetish things so there's also an understanding of what the boundaries are than if I only did vanilla or sub things, and overly attached subs are pretty easy to ghost since most of the needy ones are also less likely to pay me for my time.