Excerpt from a PM.
camstory said:Hey ******,
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Now, I need you to listen to my love problem. I don't really know what I need from you, but to hear me. I guess there's something I hope you can tell me that will make the problem solvable. But I really know there is no solution, and no matter what I am fucked.
I met a girl on OKC about 3 weeks ago. We had 200 + IM's back and forth, and about 2 weeks ago she came over. After some small talk I took her hand and lead her into the bedroom. It had been over 4 years for me, and tho I made her come, it was more mechanical, than any real passion. I was disappointed, and depressed. I had once been a great lover, and truly wondered had I lost that somehow. And I am sure it was not aw inspiring for her.
We didn't talk much for the 10ish days that followed. We talked on Wednesday, and Friday she came back to my place. We soon were in bed again, and as uninspired as the first time was, that Friday, (this one), and into yesterday was incredible.
Here's the problem - during a break yesterday afternoon we started talking some, she was doing 90% of the talking. She first referred to some friend of her's as black Charley. By itself it meant little to me - could be as easy as there are two Charleys, and lack of thought as too what that might sound like. Then she referred to Latino's more than once as, "scraps" (I assume b/c many lantino's in this area collect and recycle scrap metals.) It bother me quit a bit, - she had said nothing degrading in these stories, tho use of that nick was in itself degrading. I told myself, I could later tell her that I did not like it, and that it was a vulgar and racist nick name.
We again retreated to the bedroom, and there became one. Our making love, had turned to love, and we both knew it looking into each others eyes.
Again before she went today, we talked, and black Charley came up. She said he only fucked with white girls, saying he said, "I don't fuck with nigger bitches, black on black make ugly babies" (I said nothing, and hate myself to the point of tears for not saying something.) After that she her self made reference to niggers, and there is no getting around that she is quite racist.
I thought, I can sit her down and tell her my concerns, and make it clear that she needed to not be racist if she wanted to see me further. It took me only a little while to know this was no good answer. I might persuade her not to talk racist around me, but just b/c you convince a racist to not spew racist shit does not mean they are no longer a racist, any more than teaching a dog not to bark, should make you believing it is no longer a dog.
As she walked up the driveway to go today, she turned around and timidly said, "love you"
I don't know what to do. There's the chicken shit way out - just stop responding to her all together. But that is chicken shit, prolly wont work b/c she might show up, and does nothing to make her think about her beliefs. There's the less chicken shit way out - updating my profile at OKC with the statement up front that I don't do racist, and that it is a deal breaker, and leaving her 1 message to see my updated profile. Chicken shit, and as mean as the first option. I could tell her my concerns, and work over the time we might be involved to truly change her pov, and help her understand why it is so wrong. But this is her understanding since she was a baby, telling me about her grandfather driving through the black side of Philadelphia and pointing out black ppl, (gigaboos), and explaining how they had no jobs and took government $ they would use to buy fancy cloths and Cadillacs while living in falling down houses. (to this I only said, "that is b/c fancy cloths, and cars is one of the few ways they can feel equal to white ppl. I wanted to tell her, that they had no jobs b/c of ppl like her grandfather who believed black ppl were lazy and thieves, and there were no jobs for them to have. I wanted to tell her that their houses were falling down, b/c they knew no one of any standing was ever likely to come to their neighborhoods, much less visit their homes. tho, well dressed, with a new Cad, on the good side of town, they might have the impression they would get a little respect. I wanted to slap her and tell her to stop being such a fucking idiot. But I did non of those things, and again hate myself for not.) (again now as I tell you to the point of tears!)
I think the chance of ever really making her see things differently is very unlikely. Laying next to her, stroking her neck and gazing into her eyes, I know I have fallen in love with part of her. But what I know more than anything, is I can not ignore her racism. I can not think of anything else that I could not ignore for love. I would overlook, the fact that I was involved with someone who was a bible thumping, church going, follower of accent myth, if the love was strong enough. I could ignore being involved with some one who believed global warning was 100% made up, and was nothing to worry about, if the love was strong enough. But there is no love strong enough, to ignore being involved with a racist!
I am again depressed, and the only silver lining I have is knowing I am still a great lover, and tho importune to me, it pales in comparison.
In writing you this I have found one more option - I could forward her this letter. I think it would not change any of her beliefs, as I know this is something she believes to be a core belief. At best I think it would serve to finish the relationship, and It could have catastrophic effects, if she tried to convince me that what she believes is rooted in fact. (An understandable reaction when you have seen a thing only ever one way and everything you have come to think you know has been skewed through the lenses of prejudice. I could easily imagine an argument along the lines of black ppl being lazy and being % wise more likely to be getting government aid, than white ppl. I could not make a correct argument from my experience that these things were not stereotypically so. But I understand that much of the culture black ppl have had to live in in the U.S. is one in which the anger of being treated unfairly has manifested in an attitude that says, it does not matter how hard we work, we will never be given the rewards equal to our efforts, so give as little effort as possible, b/c that is what is being offered us. I also understand that there are more black ppl % per capita getting government aid b/c the need is greater do to lack of opportunity to make it on their own. I could further imagine an argument that made black ppl to be much more likely to be criminals. Again, I could not make a good case against this just considering the amount of black ppl incarcerated, or even in my experience that black ppl may tend to gravitate toward bucking the system and may in deed be more likely to commit criminal acts. I would never solely rely on the argument that black ppl and minorities in general are not treated equally and justly in our criminal system, tho I know this to be true. I know that for the same reasons above, those of a culture of resentment and lack of opportunity, that it makes logical sense that many black & minority ppl might be temped to get over on a system that has always seemed to be trying to get over on them. But you see my friend these are things I understand, and are things she has never even been exposed to, or when exposed to, has never given any thought to, b/c they are so far out of her pov they have been dismissed immediately as bull shit with out any thought at all.)
I loved life two days ago, and now I just want to cry.
~E~