Questions from a (hopefully) self-aware member

[Mila_]

I am wondering one thing... how would you feel if you found out your wife likes to spend some time on Chatroulette flirting with men and helping them cum.. watching them masturbate and getting herself off doing it? What if she has repeat experiences with 5 or 6 of them, IMs with them frequently just to feel that infatuation of romance she feels she is lacking at home... would you feel like she was betraying your trust and cheating or like it was all safe and fine? I’m asking not because I necessarily judge you but because I think you may be deluding yourself a little here

 

[AlbinoGator]

But it’s like cam girls offer a loophole:

I'm pretty sure your wife would disagree on this. You mention more than once how much you love your wife and your family and I'm sure that you do. So do yourself a favor and delete your account before your wife finds out about your new hobby and divorces you. You can rationalize it however you want but if she finds out, she'll consider it cheating.

 

[MrJay]

Thought’s on the above.

I can relate to most of what you wrote here and I’m in a very similar situation. Happily married, always been faithful, but on these sites, I still enjoy the chase/ flirting/courtship/desire you mentioned.

Visiting cam sites provides me with an outlet for these desires without ‘crossing the line’ which is ofc very subjective. I do think that repeatedly visiting the same models, developing an emotional connection etc would be considered cheating by many including my wife. I’ve ‘felt unfaithful’ at times doing this but for me it’s still somewhat better than the alternative and I feel comfortable with it.

I have zero interest in meeting IRL beyond the fantasy it gives me but It can be amusing sometimes to see how often it's alluded to.

I was surprised to read some of the comments about being asked if your single or not. Based on what you wrote, we’re on different sites but I’m asked all the time if I’m single, married or in a relationship. Most wont' press for any more details although occasionally some have.

You mentioned you haven’t turned on your cam yet. C2C. I can tell you that in my experience, it can really intensify the experience, emotion and pleasure. I’m not necessarily talking about anything sexual here. You wrote ‘I just like seeing a pretty girl, trying to make her genuinely smile, and succeeding. Try experiencing all of that when she’s looking ‘right at you’. Just something to think about if you ever decide to do so as it might exacerbate some of those feelings you mentioned.

 

[Danigirl]

I've been in a sexless marriage half a decade ago. It sucked Soo bad and nothing I could do would make him desire me. So, being someone who had a high sex drive I started selling panties and custom vids because I wanted someone to want me. He said he was fine with it but secretly hated it. So I understand why you may not want to tell your wife. We divorced (partly because of the lack of intimacy but mostly because of financial and emotional distrust) and now I'm married to a man that matches me and helps me with my camming biz. I'm completely satisfied with him as a partner and he supports me with being a model really well. There are couples that can have that relationship where they don't feel like cheating on the other. I don't view camming as cheating as long as it's transactional and only online. I never meet in person ever. Hubby occasionally watches models but he also promotes their rooms as part of his affiliate traffic. I think if I felt him pull away from me and watching porn diminished our relationship, then I would be upset.

A lot of my tippers are married and in the same position as you. Fine in their marriage, don't want to leave but missing some sort of spark. I definitely prefer that type than the ones who constantly try to get way too personal and close. My show is more sass and hardcore than those like Mila and Ambercutie so I use toys a bunch because I like it. Feels good and I make more in public chat than I would in private usually. Their way works for them and mine works for me. If I need to take a break I do.


As far as "cheating" goes, I'd be way more upset if Mr Dani was flirting with a co-worker or friend way more than spending tons on a model. One is fantasy and one is soul crushing. I tend to completely disconnect from members who try to take things way too personal level for me so I think you're doing it right. I'm a fantasy when I cam. Dani is not me.

This was totally rambling sorry. I had way too much espresso and thoughts are scattered lol

 

[tracemonday]

Thought I would follow up on this, especially after reading the other recently updated thread.

I appreciated everything said in this thread. It was all supportive and helpful in one way or another which, given it’s the internet in 2020, feels like its own miracle. So thank you, especially Amber for creating/fostering a place to make it possible. Well done.

Thank you especially to those who challenged me to double check my underlying moral assumptions with what I was doing. Strange how the mind works, how it can suspect and know something on a certain level but need the direct and cooly rational words of another to fully understand it.

The bottom line is I’ve very much changed my mind that this can be rationalized as somehow not “unfaithful.” I have no idea what the hell I was thinking getting into this, to this extent. I take back what I said about not being a lunatic (though I stand by not being socially inept). One of my biggest takeaways is how addictive this entire operation is. A lot of scary similarities to Vegas and casinos.

So I’ve nearly completed severing myself from this whole thing. Maybe cold turkey is the most advisable way to go, but despite everything that’s been discussed I didn’t want to just disappear on a few of these girls. Most of them I was either already losing interest in, or are cool as hell but plainly treat this as a business. I just think the potential risk/harm to me of “saying goodbye” outweighed the courtesy and value (to them) of not ghosting them.

but I did want to say goodbye to a few, and one in particular I’d be interested in your thoughts on (and Again appreciative of whatever time it requires to get through this diatribe). i know that I can’t possibly know where the blurred line between reality and fantasy really is, which is why have some questions.

this girl was from a former Soviet bloc country, insanely hot and also very interesting and engaging. (Cutting to the chase here) she’d talk about wanting to cook for me and sent pictures of (allegedly, I know) dishes she made and after I asked her about her hometown et al, her apartment and cool view of the town. I got the whole “I don’t open up like this on here, but you’re different and I really trust you” blah blah stuff.

Maybe one of the reasons I left is because most of me took her at face value and believed she was being 100% genuine. She was sweet, everything felt natural (ok except her boobs and probably lips), and it was just so hard to imagine that someone could be having the conversations we were having and saying the things she was saying without meaning them. To go to all that effort and frankly be that good at appearing genuine. This isn’t about “love” or anything like that, it simply felt like a real connection with another person in this world.

And yet I can’t ignore what’s been discussed in this thread and on this forum. Whether she’s being genuine or just hustling to make me think what she knows I want to think, it would probably look exactly the same. Except my instincts that tell me this would be very hard to completely, realistically fake. If not kind of insane. At a certain point, it seems more unlikely that she’s skillfully faking all this rather than just being human (while doing her job, yes).

She was the hardest to say goodbye to, and as it was happening she surprised me by starting to cry. Not bawling or anything, but makeup-protecting dabbing under her eyes. And what she said slayed me. She thanked me for helping her learn a lesson. That she finally took the risk of opening up to a member, to connecting with me, caring about me, and in return got the rug pulled out from under her. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this but it felt ok with me, and this now confirms her instinct was right, this should just be a job and she shouldn’t extend herself like that again.

I think I know what the company line response here is to this. It doesn’t matter what she says or does. She’s doing her job, and doing it well. And now that a profitable mark is announcing his departure, the hustle is kicked into overdrive to try to keep him on the hook.

But I also think most on here would say these are real people too, and that real connections happen, however unlikely they are. So how am I supposed to know which it is? How am I supposed to know? What’s more ridiculous, to trust and believe her and be wrong, or to not trust or believe her and be wrong?

I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about any of this, or what to believe. Probability says I’m right, that she made one last play for my tips and I coolly resisted it. That despite my OP I drifted halfway out to “I’m in love with a cam girl” before reeling myself in. But part of me thinks I went to a lot of trouble to make a friend only to then hurt her immensely.

all thoughts appreciated.

 

[Smoothie]

Thought I would follow up on this, especially after reading the other recently updated thread.

I appreciated everything said in this thread. It was all supportive and helpful in one way or another which, given it’s the internet in 2020, feels like its own miracle. So thank you, especially Amber for creating/fostering a place to make it possible. Well done.

Thank you especially to those who challenged me to double check my underlying moral assumptions with what I was doing. Strange how the mind works, how it can suspect and know something on a certain level but need the direct and cooly rational words of another to fully understand it.

The bottom line is I’ve very much changed my mind that this can be rationalized as somehow not “unfaithful.” I have no idea what the hell I was thinking getting into this, to this extent. I take back what I said about not being a lunatic (though I stand by not being socially inept). One of my biggest takeaways is how addictive this entire operation is. A lot of scary similarities to Vegas and casinos.

So I’ve nearly completed severing myself from this whole thing. Maybe cold turkey is the most advisable way to go, but despite everything that’s been discussed I didn’t want to just disappear on a few of these girls. Most of them I was either already losing interest in, or are cool as hell but plainly treat this as a business. I just think the potential risk/harm to me of “saying goodbye” outweighed the courtesy and value (to them) of not ghosting them.

but I did want to say goodbye to a few, and one in particular I’d be interested in your thoughts on (and Again appreciative of whatever time it requires to get through this diatribe). i know that I can’t possibly know where the blurred line between reality and fantasy really is, which is why have some questions.

this girl was from a former Soviet bloc country, insanely hot and also very interesting and engaging. (Cutting to the chase here) she’d talk about wanting to cook for me and sent pictures of (allegedly, I know) dishes she made and after I asked her about her hometown et al, her apartment and cool view of the town. I got the whole “I don’t open up like this on here, but you’re different and I really trust you” blah blah stuff.

Maybe one of the reasons I left is because most of me took her at face value and believed she was being 100% genuine. She was sweet, everything felt natural (ok except her boobs and probably lips), and it was just so hard to imagine that someone could be having the conversations we were having and saying the things she was saying without meaning them. To go to all that effort and frankly be that good at appearing genuine. This isn’t about “love” or anything like that, it simply felt like a real connection with another person in this world.

And yet I can’t ignore what’s been discussed in this thread and on this forum. Whether she’s being genuine or just hustling to make me think what she knows I want to think, it would probably look exactly the same. Except my instincts that tell me this would be very hard to completely, realistically fake. If not kind of insane. At a certain point, it seems more unlikely that she’s skillfully faking all this rather than just being human (while doing her job, yes).

She was the hardest to say goodbye to, and as it was happening she surprised me by starting to cry. Not bawling or anything, but makeup-protecting dabbing under her eyes. And what she said slayed me. She thanked me for helping her learn a lesson. That she finally took the risk of opening up to a member, to connecting with me, caring about me, and in return got the rug pulled out from under her. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this but it felt ok with me, and this now confirms her instinct was right, this should just be a job and she shouldn’t extend herself like that again.

I think I know what the company line response here is to this. It doesn’t matter what she says or does. She’s doing her job, and doing it well. And now that a profitable mark is announcing his departure, the hustle is kicked into overdrive to try to keep him on the hook.

But I also think most on here would say these are real people too, and that real connections happen, however unlikely they are. So how am I supposed to know which it is? How am I supposed to know? What’s more ridiculous, to trust and believe her and be wrong, or to not trust or believe her and be wrong?

I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about any of this, or what to believe. Probability says I’m right, that she made one last play for my tips and I coolly resisted it. That despite my OP I drifted halfway out to “I’m in love with a cam girl” before reeling myself in. But part of me thinks I went to a lot of trouble to make a friend only to then hurt her immensely.

all thoughts appreciated.

As far as how to tell when it’s part of a hustle or whether she is responding genuinely to you, I think it’s possible she really did grow fond of you. End of day, we’re all human, even the hustlers. But I don’t think there’s a foolproof way to know for sure, except maybe in the most extreme cases (where the reaction is so convincing that she would otherwise be up for Oscar consideration). Safest to just assume it’s part of the act, I guess.

I liked your comparison to Vegas/casinos, particularly as it relates to tokens. I’ve thought about this from time to time. Once you buy X amount of tokens, it’s easy to stop viewing it as money. Can make it easier to spend too much, too fast.

I’m sure a lot of guys lose sight of the fact that when you spend 2000 tokens you’re basically spending $160 (more or less depending on the site you’re on & the package you buy). I’m guessing some guys may not spend that much if they were asked directly “would you pay $160 for this right now?” But because they’re tokens, it can be easy to forget the monetary value, and overspend.

 

[tracemonday]

As far as how to tell when it’s part of a hustle or whether she is responding genuinely to you, I think it’s possible she really did grow fond of you. End of day, we’re all human, even the hustlers. But I don’t think there’s a foolproof way to know for sure, except maybe in the most extreme cases (where the reaction is so convincing that she would otherwise be up for Oscar consideration). Safest to just assume it’s part of the act, I guess.

I liked your comparison to Vegas/casinos, particularly as it relates to tokens. I’ve thought about this from time to time. Once you buy X amount of tokens, it’s easy to stop viewing it as money. Can make it easier to spend too much, too fast.

I’m sure a lot of guys lose sight of the fact that when you spend 2000 tokens you’re basically spending $160 (more or less depending on the site you’re on & the package you buy). I’m guessing some guys may not spend that much if they were asked directly “would you pay $160 for this right now?” But because they’re tokens, it can be easy to forget the monetary value, and overspend.

absolutely. It’s a well-researched and proven strategy to make the person psychologically separate the mental awareness of spending money from the physical act, which starts with changing the currency to something unique and unfamiliar (poker chips, cam tokens). Then to alter the denominations that makes it more difficult to remember in real time (or even recognize at all) what it means in real dollars when you spend X tokens.

Credit card companies do this too with rewards programs. “Save double miles on every purchase!” makes you instinctively react with “ooh...double!” and perhaps never consider “wait, what does “mile” mean in this context? What are we doubling exactly?” At bottom it’s just a very clever marketing way to describe getting 2 cents back for every dollar you spend.

at the site I use, a token is worth 10 cents. I did my best to keep everything in real dollar terms by moving the decimal over one every time I thought about the spending. But even that takes mental energy that some don’t want to use, and I wouldn’t claim I perfectly defeated the system.

There’s also the dopamine connections with pushing buttons and getting a reply. And oh boy what a reply! Pull a slot! Make a half naked girl moan because you just vibrated her vagina! All of which doesn’t even get to the dopes like me who apparently need more exotic friends.

 

[THE MOLLIE MARIE]

How do you know if it is genuine or not? Well, does it matter? You said that you now take back what you said before, that you agree that you are feeling unfaithful and shouldn't continue. So whether she is showing genuine care or not, what difference does it make?

 

[Smoothie]

absolutely. It’s a well-researched and proven strategy to make the person psychologically separate the mental awareness of spending money from the physical act, which starts with changing the currency to something unique and unfamiliar (poker chips, cam tokens). Then to alter the denominations that makes it more difficult to remember in real time (or even recognize at all) what it means in real dollars when you spend X tokens.

Credit card companies do this too with rewards programs. “Save double miles on every purchase!” makes you instinctively react with “ooh...double!” and perhaps never consider “wait, what does “mile” mean in this context? What are we doubling exactly?” At bottom it’s just a very clever marketing way to describe getting 2 cents back for every dollar you spend.

at the site I use, a token is worth 10 cents. I did my best to keep everything in real dollar terms by moving the decimal over one every time I thought about the spending. But even that takes mental energy that some don’t want to use, and I wouldn’t claim I perfectly defeated the system.

There’s also the dopamine connections with pushing buttons and getting a reply. And oh boy what a reply! Pull a slot! Make a half naked girl moan because you just vibrated her vagina! All of which doesn’t even get to the dopes like me who apparently need more exotic friends.

Yeah, my system isn’t the best either. I don’t overspend often, but the way I buy tokens leaves me prone to it (I load up all at once to - theoretically - reduce how often I have to replenish my tokens, but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, lol).

It’s also hard enough to do math in my head without the tokens-to-dollars conversion not being a round number, AND while there’s a very tempting show sucking me in. Not a situation that easily lends itself to careful thought.

 

[tracemonday]

How do you know if it is genuine or not? Well, does it matter? You said that you now take back what you said before, that you agree that you are feeling unfaithful and shouldn't continue. So whether she is showing genuine care or not, what difference does it make?

yes it matters, I wouldn’t have written the post if it didn’t. This doesn’t mean it matters the most, but it matters to me.

Specifically, it matters to me if she was being genuine and was thus genuinely hurt. I’m not saying that if so, I’m going right back to what I was doing. Just that in a vacuum, it matters to me.

There’s also my admittedly meaningless in practice, but intriguing in theory desire to know one way or another, or at least how to better analyze it. She said what she said and did what she did. It’d be great to know what she did and didn’t mean, did and didn’t feel, and what the answer might say about my understanding of my ability to communicate. Even with a hustling cam girl.

 

[THE MOLLIE MARIE]

She's doing her job. The best performers are genuine while hustling. That's the gig. Her feelings will be fine. Don't torture yourself wondering about it. We all do what we gotta do.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

She's doing her job. The best performers are genuine while hustling. That's the gig. Her feelings will be fine. Don't torture yourself wondering about it. We all do what we gotta do.

Exactly. There can be a genuine connection, in terms of being friendly towards members or models. Doesn't mean are friends, just friendly. The more you see someone, the more they become a part of daily routine. Kind of like when someone leaves a job, you're excited to move on with your career. But also sad because you're leaving those you've spent day upon day with for however long.

The internet is kind of a weird phenomenon as well. In many ways, we are friendly and interact with many people on a daily basis. But, if they move on, it might make someone pause and ask if said person is okay as haven't seen them for a while. But, it's expected that at some point, it will happen. Are, or rather should, cam sites different due to the visual aspect of them? Not really. But, seeing someone tends to make it a little more personal.

 

[Mila_]

Specifically, it matters to me if she was being genuine and was thus genuinely hurt.

Success for models whose hustle is 1 on 1 relationships with members will ultimately depend on how good they are a buttering the guy up. They learn how to pull on their heart strings, shed a tear when convenient, push/pull successfully and draw on the full toolset of seduction. The whole scheme is dangerously similar to the feeling of irresistible love you get when a narcissist is wooing you through love-bombing... because like a narcissist a camgirl has to PRETEND to have FEELINGS they do not have. It's fake and it's not so easy to fake feelings convincingly unless the other person wants to be fooled. So if you have any experience dealing with Cluster B people in your life the tone of affectation is really easy to spot. This situation you describe is ringing all my spidey senses... I would be very surprised if she actually had any feelings for you. Then again.. unlike a narcissist in your life who is supposed to have feelings for you because they are your family or your significant other and thus it is perverse to fake them, you are PAYING HER, a professional companion, to provide you with this fantasy, the thrill of the conquest and the feeling of a love affair. You can't expect this to be real.

One of the most useful tools on the heartstring toolbox is blowing air up someone's ass. We are all vulnerable to it, we all want to believe so hard we are loveable and desirable and because we are so, we have the POWER to hurt people through our absence. That if we leave them, they will be DEVASTATED, they need us and love us so. It's a power trip and it soothes our feelings of inadequacy, etc. So seeing a tear when you announce you will be leaving the scene evokes the perfect type of emotion that can make you do an 180 and stay. A 1 on 1 camgirl will not lose that opportunity if she is good at her job.

I personally really hate this role and for this reason I am a mass-room type of model, I never get involved or talk to any members off site unless I truly want to because I like them or I find our conversations amusing. I probably talk to like.. 2 members total, and they aren't the biggest spenders, they are just people I generally enjoy talking to and can trust because they have been around for years and have always been (a) supportive as much as they can and (b) loyal. It doesn't sound like you've been talking to her long. Even when I talk to these members off site our conversations are generally speaking, on a very cool tone, there's no feelings involved or weird intimate moments because everyone is clear that this is just a friendship

 

[tracemonday]

Success for models whose hustle is 1 on 1 relationships with members will ultimately depend on how good they are a buttering the guy up. They learn how to pull on their heart strings, shed a tear when convenient, push/pull successfully and draw on the full toolset of seduction. The whole scheme is dangerously similar to the feeling of irresistible love you get when a narcissist is wooing you through love-bombing... because like a narcissist a camgirl has to PRETEND to have FEELINGS they do not have. It's fake and it's not so easy to fake feelings convincingly unless the other person wants to be fooled. So if you have any experience dealing with Cluster B people in your life the tone of affectation is really easy to spot. This situation you describe is ringing all my spidey senses... I would be very surprised if she actually had any feelings for you. Then again.. unlike a narcissist in your life who is supposed to have feelings for you because they are your family or your significant other and thus it is perverse to fake them, you are PAYING HER, a professional companion, to provide you with this fantasy, the thrill of the conquest and the feeling of a love affair. You can't expect this to be real.

One of the most useful tools on the heartstring toolbox is blowing air up someone's ass. We are all vulnerable to it, we all want to believe so hard we are loveable and desirable and because we are so, we have the POWER to hurt people through our absence. That if we leave them, they will be DEVASTATED, they need us and love us so. It's a power trip and it soothes our feelings of inadequacy, etc. So seeing a tear when you announce you will be leaving the scene evokes the perfect type of emotion that can make you do an 180 and stay. A 1 on 1 camgirl will not lose that opportunity if she is good at her job.

I personally really hate this role and for this reason I am a mass-room type of model, I never get involved or talk to any members off site unless I truly want to because I like them or I find our conversations amusing. I probably talk to like.. 2 members total, and they aren't the biggest spenders, they are just people I generally enjoy talking to and can trust because they have been around for years and have always been (a) supportive as much as they can and (b) loyal. It doesn't sound like you've been talking to her long. Even when I talk to these members off site our conversations are generally speaking, on a very cool tone, there's no feelings involved or weird intimate moments because everyone is clear that this is just a friendship

Great points. Thank you!

 

[AudriTwo]

She was the hardest to say goodbye to, and as it was happening she surprised me by starting to cry. Not bawling or anything, but makeup-protecting dabbing under her eyes. And what she said slayed me. She thanked me for helping her learn a lesson. That she finally took the risk of opening up to a member, to connecting with me, caring about me, and in return got the rug pulled out from under her. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this but it felt ok with me, and this now confirms her instinct was right, this should just be a job and she shouldn’t extend herself like that again.

She faked cried and told you she was vulnerable. What a hustler! *Applause*

Don't worry about her. Members come and go all the time. She'll seduce and hustle someone else next. It's like a revolving door.

 

[squirtalot]

It's posts like these that make me very very very hesitant to step near long term relationships.

I absolutely categorically would not be okay if I found out a man I love was flirting with other women behind my back. Absolutely not. I haven't been with a man since before I started camming so I'm unsure how this will affect future relationships.

But like I said, this would be a gut wrenching, heart crushing betrayal to me and the relationship would be over

 

[AlbinoGator]

She was the hardest to say goodbye to, and as it was happening she surprised me by starting to cry. Not bawling or anything, but makeup-protecting dabbing under her eyes. And what she said slayed me. She thanked me for helping her learn a lesson. That she finally took the risk of opening up to a member, to connecting with me, caring about me, and in return got the rug pulled out from under her. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this but it felt ok with me, and this now confirms her instinct was right, this should just be a job and she shouldn’t extend herself like that again.

As others have pointed out, this is just a ploy to tug on your heartstrings, which ultimately leads to your wallet. Let me give you some perspective. I've been a member on Chaturbate for about 7 years. I'm a pretty nice guy, I'm single, and I tip well. Models generally like me. In all my time on cb, can you guess the number of models I've developed any sort of real relationship with? *pause for dramatic effect* The answer is 2. Only two girls in 7 years. And when I say "real relationship" I mean - I know that I will always be welcome in their room and treated with the same respect regardless of whether I tip them. But that's about as far as it goes. One of the girls I've known almost 6 years and the other I've known 4 years. We've talked offline and shared personal stories. But there are always boundaries.

Does that mean I never felt close to anyone else? I wish I could say that. But like most people I had to learn the hard way. And I had to learn it more than once. Some of these girls are very good at their job. If you find yourself pulling out your wallet to make a "sad" person happy, think about the course of events that led you there. The bottom line is that if this girl really cared about you, she would only want what is best for you. She would not try to make you feel guilty. Webcam life is no life for a married man. Not unless his wife is a webcam model and she wants him to be there. The comparison to Las Vegas is quite accurate. It can become an addiction. You're doing the right thing by leaving. Don't say goodbye to anyone else. And don't feel bad about it. Do you think they would feel bad about quitting their job and not telling you first? Nope. You wouldn't even be a passing thought.

Trust me, run like hell and never look back.

 

[silentm0de]

Webcam life is no life for a married man

I agree, unless the marriage is dead. To me it is a way to escape, with the illusion of some sort of sexuality. It is hard enough to live without any touch at all, so I don't feel guilty about the webcam interaction. Been doing it for years, it actually helps me to keep my self-esteem while being trapped in a broken relationship.

 

[Mila_]

I agree, unless the marriage is dead. To me it is a way to escape, with the illusion of some sort of sexuality. It is hard enough to live without any touch at all, so I don't feel guilty about the webcam interaction. Been doing it for years, it actually helps me to keep my self-esteem while being trapped in a broken relationship.

Why don’t you try to fix it with your wife or file for divorce? Nobody needs to live feeling trapped and unwanted...

 

[Deleted member 37064]

Why don’t you try to fix it with your wife or file for divorce? Nobody needs to live feeling trapped and unwanted...

Exactly. I have a difficult time understanding why people stay in such a marriage.

A post divorce life might not be perfect. But, looking back now, I see how shitty my marriage really was. I'm happier now than I was in the marriage.

 

[silentm0de]

Why don’t you try to fix it with your wife or file for divorce?

I have a difficult time understanding why people stay in such a marriage.

There is a child involved. I do not want to be a daddy who leaves his kid. Plus if I leave, I would have to pay her such a steep monthly fee I would not be able to afford a decent living anymore. It would be back to my parents, living in the cellar or something. At my age?? All my money invested in our house would be gone. I would not want to destroy the family by taking legal actions. We are not hating each other, we don't fight. We are just ... dead. I brought this upon myself by having made bad choices as a young man. I cannot let my family bleed because we lost our love somewhere on the way. This is just not.. me.

 

[squirtalot]

There is a child involved. I do not want to be a daddy who leaves his kid. Plus if I leave, I would have to pay her such a steep monthly fee I would not be able to afford a decent living anymore. It would be back to my parents, living in the cellar or something. At my age?? All my money invested in our house would be gone. I would not want to destroy the family by taking legal actions. We are not hating each other, we don't fight. We are just ... dead. I brought this upon myself by having made bad choices as a young man. I cannot let my family bleed because we lost our love somewhere on the way. This is just not.. me.

A separation? I have many male friends who are just married on paper but live totally different lives to their spouses( sometimes while still living in the same house)

 

[MarieElise]

There is a child involved. I do not want to be a daddy who leaves his kid. Plus if I leave, I would have to pay her such a steep monthly fee I would not be able to afford a decent living anymore. It would be back to my parents, living in the cellar or something. At my age?? All my money invested in our house would be gone. I would not want to destroy the family by taking legal actions. We are not hating each other, we don't fight. We are just ... dead. I brought this upon myself by having made bad choices as a young man. I cannot let my family bleed because we lost our love somewhere on the way. This is just not.. me.

I have talked to many people in similar situations. Things become very complicated when there is a child involved, and both parents love said child and are both responsible. I find the laws (surrounding marriage and divorce in different areas) extremely strange and outdated. I will never marry anyone and have never wanted to, despite the stereotype that supposedly all females dream of getting married, and want a big wedding. No f***ing way, no society or church is going to sell me on that one, that's how I've seen it since I can remember. **No disrespect intended for all of you who are married, I know I am the total weird one for having those views. Literally, no one else sees prison... ahem I mean marriage, the way that I always have.**

But I digress, I am sorry for your situation. Things become so, so, so much more complicated when there is a child or children involved. Especially if they are under 18.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

A separation? I have many male friends who are just married on paper but live totally different lives to their spouses( sometimes while still living in the same house)

When my ex and I were going through our divorce, She was wanting a legal separation. But talking with others, and a couple of attorneys I found that there really isn’t much difference between them. Yet, can cause other headaches down the road. If there’s no plans to reconcile the marriage just divorce.

At this point I have zero intentions of remarrying. No problem with long term relationship if ever happens but no to marriage. Learned my lesson

 

[silentm0de]

Hey ladies and gents, thank you so much for trying to find a solution - When my son is old enough I will have a talk with him and we will see how he takes it. He will be an adult in 10 years.
I really like @hotindiana25 's approach, actually we are ALMOST like that anyway. We are a good team, but we are incompatible lovers.

@EliMarie717 I am totally with you on the "No f***ing way, no society or church is going to sell me on that one". If I were to be set free, I would never ever entertain the thought again. No women in my house My kitchen, my garden, my way. I see it exactly like you do, no worries, the prison is real. Actually, I consider it a trap. Blind love made me stumble into it.

What about I get a friggin' back tatto?

 

[silentm0de]

Ambercutie is going to have us all flogged for thread hijacking, anyway. Get ready, guys.

 

[MarieElise]

What about I get a friggin' back tatto?

NO!!!!!!!!!!

We get fed the idea in movies etc from a young age before we are really able to think critically about things, so it's no surprise most people do it. But many marriages also fall apart. No one could be faulted for being idealistic, and loving another human being from the depths of their soul. It's just a shame that so often it's expected that marriage goes along with that. People change. Monogomy is great. Personally, I love it, but marriage is too risky an undertaking imo. I don't see why it should be the norm, especially these days, with divorce rates what they are. Unneeded stress.

 

[silentm0de]

We get fed the idea in movies etc from a young age before we are really able to think critically about things

This. We change so much. her and me are totally different persons now. Still it is my fault. Critical things (I could tell you during that tipped convo) were already amiss before we got married. I wanted to believe that I could change these things. I couldn't. And I was stupid enough to keep hanging on for fucking decades, denying myself everything a human male should have had. I totally brought this upon myself. Now, many years later, I understand my grandfather, who I was very close with when he was still alive. On my wedding day, when I was getting in the car with my bride to take her off to honeymoon, he looked at me without a smile and said "Good luck". I was not sure what it meant back then. It sounded more like a warning than felicitation.
Now I understand. God bless him and have his soul blissfully drowned in the nectar of a thousand virgin angels. (Am I getting dramatic here. Sorry)

 

[lost_angel]

This is an interesting thread. I can relate to some of what you're saying but I'm single. I doubt that I would visit cam models if I was in a long-term relationship or married, but I suppose I can't say for certain. If I'm seeing someone, I stop.

A lot of people seem to believe that guys can't me completely monogamous. I tend to view it as one of a man's tests in life. Personally, I wouldn't want my partner getting sexual gratification from anyone else so I wouldn't do that either.

Despite any of that, I sometimes get the feeling that I should stop visiting cam models. It's not something I do too regularly these days (although I probably went a little overboard in the beginning), and even though I have the means I just feel like it's not something I should be spending much time or money on. I feel like I should focus on more productive things or an actual relationship.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

This is an interesting thread. I can relate to some of what you're saying but I'm single. I doubt that I would visit cam models if I was in a long-term relationship or married, but I suppose I can't say for certain. If I'm seeing someone, I stop.

A lot of people seem to believe that guys can't me completely monogamous. I tend to view it as one of a man's tests in life. Personally, I wouldn't want my partner getting sexual gratification from anyone else so I wouldn't do that either.

Despite any of that, I sometimes get the feeling that I should stop visiting cam models. It's not something I do too regularly these days (although I probably went a little overboard in the beginning), and even though I have the means I just feel like it's not something I should be spending much time or money on. I feel like I should focus on more productive things or an actual relationship.

I'm similar to you in that I'm single, and if was in a serious/committed relationship with someone I wouldn't visit cam sites, strip clubs, etc. if they themselves weren't open to doing it either. I think it really depends on the person as to how it works. Though, I would still probably view some level of porn, pin-up, etc.

It isn't just some men that have issues with monogamy. I've been cheated on in many of my relationships, yet I've not done it myself.

As to spending money on cam sites, it's your prerogative to do as you decide. If you feel it's not to your liking, that's fine. For some people it's video games, others it's cars or similar. Enjoy your hobbies as you see fit.