Prenup

[PlayboyMegan]

Should everyone sign a prenup before marriage? Would you sign one? Is it dooming the marriage to fail?

 

[mynameisbob84]

I'd say it's just common sense. Obviously, going into a marriage expecting it to fail isn't good but at the same time, refusing to accept that it might fail seems a bit naive.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I don't think I'd be willing to sign one. My S/O should know that I am not greedy and would never take what's not mine. It's just not in my character and he should know that. I think planning for a divorce before you're even married does doom it.

 

[LailaBaise]

I think having clear boundaries concerning possessions and finances before even moving in with a romantic partner makes a lot of sense and can potentially save a lot of tears as well should things go tits up.

 

[Rose]

BJ and I didn't/don't* have one. Neither of us feel it's important or necessary in our situation.

We both came into the relationship with pretty much nothing so we've built everything we have together. If we ever were going to split, we'd find a way to amicably split our assets in as fair a way as possible. Most likely I'd get Sadie and he'd get Sammy and either he'd get full custody of kiddo (he makes more than I do and is just overall more stable of an idividual) or we'd share custody. I highly doubt we'd ever split considering how long we've been together, but we've discussed what we'd like to happen and how we'd both prefer to handle it if it does happen.

*We're not legally married yet so it's more of a roommate/civil union type situation at the moment.

 

[TashaDutch]

i wouldn't feel great signing one either... 50% is 50%
i'm not a big fan of marriage for financial reasons, or just for the heck of it...
so i guess if i really feel i want to, i would share everything with him.. or her?

 

[mynameisbob84]

I don't think I'd be willing to sign one. My S/O should know that I am not greedy and would never take what's not mine. It's just not in my character and he should know that. I think planning for a divorce before you're even married does doom it.

I certainly understand that argument and I'm sure there are plenty of relationships that, even if they were to end, wouldn't end with one party trying to take more than what they deserved. And for those people, no prenup is needed.

But the problem is that every couple thinks that their relationship won't end that way and inevitably, for many of them, it will. The prenup safeguards against that. It's just an insurance.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I don't think I'd be willing to sign one. My S/O should know that I am not greedy and would never take what's not mine. It's just not in my character and he should know that. I think planning for a divorce before you're even married does doom it.

I certainly understand that argument and I'm sure there are plenty of relationships that, even if they were to end, wouldn't end with one party trying to take more than what they deserved. And for those people, no prenup is needed.

But the problem is that every couple thinks that their relationship won't end that way and inevitably, for many of them, it will. The prenup safeguards against that. It's just an insurance.

I get it, but I don't think you should marry someone you think might do that. And if you give them a prenup, there is that thought in your mind, that could happen. If it could happen, marry someone different.

 

[Evvie]

My thoughts:

Divorce is a horrible, stressful process. I know there are some divorces which are very collected and amicable, but I do not think the majority of marriages end up this way.

Keeping in mind that over half of all marriages DO end in divorce, doesn't it make sense to try and make that possibility easier on yourself? I recently had this talk with my sister, who just got married. She argued that there was no reason to get a prenup because she would just never get divorced, and she would never want to get divorced because she was smart enough to choose a man who she would enjoy being with forever. This argument, however, suggests that the majority of divorced people were not smart enough to get married to the right person, and that as long as you choose someone whom you really care about and trust, your marriage will never end in divorce - and we know that plain and simple is not true. So instead of facing the reality that her marriage has a 50% chance of survival, she chose to take the path that will make divorce all the more upsetting and painful for her if she ever does have to face it.

I very recently talked to a woman who was boasting that she made her ex husband go in to debt because of all the money her lawyers got out of him, and I'll bet that when she got married they sat down and decided they didn't need a prenup because they would never do that to each other.

I used to know a young woman who gave 100% of her paychecks to her boyfriend. Because they shared finances, and because she would be 'with him forever', she saw no need to look out for her future and protect herself. She insinuated that I was not a dedicated girlfriend because I kept a separate bank account. When they broke up a few months later, her family had to pay for her to move because her bank account was empty. She chose not to prepare for the future and she ended up regretting it.

I know a woman who is going through a divorce because her husband began to abuse her. They were very much in love when they met over a decade ago, but because of the abuse, she feels she is entitled to quite a bit of his money. They did not sign a prenup because they trusted each other, but now she feels she deserves compensation.

I guess my point is, a lot of things can change over a decade or 20 or 30 years. Would I ever get in to a relationship with someone where I think, "man, I need to protect my finances from him"? Absolutely not! But that doesn't mean that a decade from now, things cannot change.

I suppose it is fair to mention that I am not really pro-marriage. I guess I don't really get it, I've never really fantasized about getting married and I plan to never get married if I can at all avoid it. I definitely understand wanting to stay with someone forever and trusting them implicitly, but I do not understand the desire to irrevocably tie finances as a sign of commitment.

 

[southsamurai]

ehhhh if there are kids from a previous marriage then a pre nup is sort of a good idea so that a potential divorce doesnt screw them over. and honestly, at my age when i tie the knot theres going to be one as well so that the house is secure. can't end up having to sell it off for a divorce and have not just me but my dad end up homeless or depending on the kindness of family for a home.

in general i don't see anything wrong with sorting out a financial agreement before marriage. makes things easier when you have trouble even if there isnt a divorce. if you sign a contract it is a lot harder to argue a point than it is if all you have to go on is marriage vows

 

[AnaVictoriaXO]

Should everyone sign one? No, I think its a case to case thing, not something that can be generalized.

I would sign one if I was asked to because.....why not? If I have no intention (which I do not) of taking everything and screwing him over if it ends in divorce, than what would it hurt? Nothing.

I think people need to be realistic.

To ask your partner to sign a prenup doesnt mean you think theyre the type to try and take everything, it just means that youre being realistic about the possibility of things going wrong (which they will, and not every couple is strong enough to get through it and end it amicably)

Relationships erode, people get bitter and harbor resentment, then person that once made you feel on top of the world now makes you want to punch him... and now that man/woman you told yourself you could never do anything to hurt is now the person who "screwed you over and wasted your years..etc etc etc and you want some payback. I mean this happens ALL THE TIME. Even to couples who's relationship used to be perfect and full of trust.



I can kind of understand how it would offend someone but seriously if you have no intention of taking anything, then why not?! Relationships are all about compromise after all

(Want to note that Im not insinuating in any way that someone who wont sign one intends on screwing their partner over if it comes to divorce)

 

[Rose]

I should add that the only reason why BJ and I don't think one is necessary for our relationship is because we make it a point to talk about that kind of stuff regularly (at least twice a month) from as objective a standpoint as possible. We also regularly discuss thing like what if one of us dies or we lose our home: what would happen to the dogs, our assets, etc in those circumstances?

Since we've kept those lines of communication open from day one and we actively work to make sure we both know where we stand and what we want, we don't feel it's vital to have our wishes notarized on paper. We've made our wishes known to both sets of parents so they can hold us accountable if/when we ever did split.

We've discussed what would happen in the event of infidelity as well and have our wishes laid out for that like everything else.

I guess you'd say we have a verbal prenup, but nothing is written down or set in stone since people and time do change.

 

[emptiedglass]

I've seen too many marriages fall apart over the years.
I could write a book about the people I know of who have been burned when it happens.
So, yeah, prenup for me all the way.

 

[LaceyRoyce]

In retrospect, I wish we'd had one. I make a lot of money now and he doesn't and he has a valid claim to alimony. However, I paid for his school and living costs for over a year after we separated...

 

[mynameisbob84]

I don't think I'd be willing to sign one. My S/O should know that I am not greedy and would never take what's not mine. It's just not in my character and he should know that. I think planning for a divorce before you're even married does doom it.

I certainly understand that argument and I'm sure there are plenty of relationships that, even if they were to end, wouldn't end with one party trying to take more than what they deserved. And for those people, no prenup is needed.

But the problem is that every couple thinks that their relationship won't end that way and inevitably, for many of them, it will. The prenup safeguards against that. It's just an insurance.

I get it, but I don't think you should marry someone you think might do that. And if you give them a prenup, there is that thought in your mind, that could happen. If it could happen, marry someone different.

But that's the thing - nobody marries someone they think might do that. And yet it happens all the time. No matter how good a relationship is in the present, and no matter how well you think you know somebody, it's next to impossible to know what that relationship and that person are gonna be like in 10, 20, 30 years time.

Things are gonna come along that irrevocably alter relationships and the people in them - children, affairs, mid-life crises, illnesses, careers, one person simply coming to want something different to the other person - and it's impossible to always successfully predict whether a relationship will survive those things (50% of the time, they don't).

Hence the prenup, ya know? :twocents-02cents:

 

[IsabellaSnow]

Prenups actually don't have much legality in england as far as I know, but it really depends on the situation.

If two people meet around on the same level, one rises in income with the other persons support behind them, then I don't think it would be fair to have a prenup as the other partner was probably on the other side helping their partner achieve their success.

If two people meet and one person has a lot of money behind them, then yes, I do think it would be a good idea to have a prenup or some kind, but I think it should only be valid for money earned and possessions bought before a marriage, not during as each person plays a role during a relationship.

If it's a situation where both parties have lots of possessions, then I think it would also be good for them both to sign a prenup.

I think in marriages/relationships everyone has their role. Often one will be a stay at home parent/housekeeper and the other will work. Both can be full time jobs. It would be unfair to say the stay at home party wouldn't receive half of the earnings of their spouse because they technically weren't earning if they did get divorced.

I also think it would be essential if you already have children with someone else to protect them.

Most cases it would make logical sense...

If someone asked me for a prenup... I would not be happy though. It may make perfect logical sense, but to do so before a marriage... hmm... well, it might cause issues. If I were marrying someone wealthy then them asking me to sign a prenup would be logical, but I would be unhappy about signing it more because it would be a fat reminder/a load of pressure that if I don't make it work with that person I'd have nothing.

Then again, prenups do all have different terms. I think people hear the word and go "oh my god!" For something reasonable, like protecting things that were yours long before you met someone would be reasonable. I remember my parents getting divorced and there being big deals about dividing stuff equally. There were also things based about what they each brought to the marriage. It's funny because to anyone on the outside they'd think "oh my god, mother got the house, how typical" even my father likes to think that. But I know that my mother paid him off. She had to buy his half off him. These things tend to be as fair as possible, but everyone's going to feel like they've lost out.

One thing I will say for prenups, is it's all very well saying "but if you love me/believe in me then you know I wouldn't do that" but people change. Be married to this person a few years and things may seriously change. Be married for 10 years... most people change a fair amount in 10 years. Anger and resentment can also do unflattering things to a person. Divorce is never pretty. Being happy and in love and wanting to marry is a completely different situation. Although marriage is technically for life, I think it's just being realistic to realise that divorce is very common.

 

[Mirra]

Personally, I think they're a good idea. All of the "It's planning for the marriage to fail" stuff is silly to me. The fact is that marriages tend to fail as often as they survive. It only makes sense to think it's possible. The problem is that when people are in an early love stage leading up to a marriage, most don't want realistic. They want to believe in the magic of the feelings they have.

I am reminded of when Dad's third wife requested a divorce when she was "no longer happy in the relationship." Humorously enough, this was as the recession was hitting and Dad's income was less than half what it was. (cue Kanye and Jamie) It disgusted Dad so much he told her that he would get money to cover approximately half the value of the house for her and that the master bedroom furniture, the computer, and my room were off limits but to take whatever she wanted otherwise and go. She took him for his word. I was the first one home after she had packed up and left with her daughter and I remember talking to Dad as he asked what the damage was. She took probably 67% of the common items including the mirror off the wall in my bathroom. She also got a decent bit of alimony up until the day he died. I don't want to go through that kind of shit.

I would personally bring diddly to a relationship with my current situation so a prenup would seem really silly at the moment, but I think I would still suggest one if I was getting married and as much to protect her from me should things go south. Those strong feelings of love at the start can lead to opposite yet equal feelings when things fall apart. When you're in that kind of emotional state is not the time to try and be fair.

TL;DR - Stop letting the feels get in the way of reason. Just do it and hope you never see it again. If you do see it again, I'll never tell you I told you so, but I told you so.

 

[EmilyConrad]

If you get married straight out of high school or college and work together for your success, I don't really see the need. If you become successful without one another, I am very much for them. I don't think anyone should be entitled to your money once you're divorced unless they helped you get it like staying home with the kids while you went to school or by paying for your education. If my future spouse asks me to sign one I definitely will and I'll have one for him to sign, too. I guess I'm a realist. I'd rather be prepared for the worst than expect the best. Divorces are already messy so I think it's better to have something to make it easier. It doesn't mean I won't trust my future husband. I wouldn't marry him if I didn't. But I think for most people it's human nature to take as much as you can get and add in a possible bitter divorce? No thanks!

 

[JickyJuly]

My husband and I don't have a prenup. Neither had anything when we got married. I will gladly pay for him for the rest of his days whether we stay married or not because that will help him stay on track as the father of our child. However, if I were to remarry, I would ask the new dude to sign away his rights. The money I make belongs to my child before anyone else.
I best stay married to avoid the conversation that will include "Hey. Imma pay for the ex for the rest of his life" and "My money's not for you. Sign this." Hehehe.

 

[EdgarAllenWhoa]

You know the damn thing is pre-nups aren't even set in stone. I know of one couple where he got the pre-nup broke because they proved he gave up his career and to help her follow her career.
Anyways he became a nasty piece of work. She tolerated him for a few years, but, after a while, she had enough, left him and filed for divorce. His lawyers proved that he would be destitute without her income as he was suffering from depression from the divorce (which he brought on by being a dick).

And she ended up having to pay 5K a month for 5 years so he could get back on his feet and maintain the lifestyle he had with her.

The part that amazed me was he was the one that came up with the pre-nup in the first place to protect himself because he had a practice up and running when they got married.

It's such a touchy subject all the way around. You can see it just in this thread and the differing opinions. I would like to think I wouldn't have one. But I wouldn't know how to approach it.
"Uh Honey/Snugums/Buttercup can you please sign this...well its...just a...uh a piece of paper...that says...well in essence...uhh...my shit is mine and your shit is yours!...yea..there u go".

 

[Anonymous]

I agree with AnaVictoria that even though it's understandable a person may be hurt to be asked to sign a pre-nup, it does make sense to be realistic here. Many marriages end in divorce (and tattoos that you now regret...lol), and it doesn't matter how confident two people feel about their relationship...shit happens, and no one is 100% certain what the future holds.

 

[zippypinhead]

Marriages are legally-binding social contracts. It makes sense to get the paperwork in order beforehand.

 

[SweepTheLeg]

This about covers it.

 

[AllisonWilder]

I believe in prenups for everyone but me because I'm a greedy bitch. :lol:


In all seriousness, I feel like people that are very independently wealthy (celebrities, business owners, pro athletes, etc.) should protect their brand/business with prenups. I'd imagine that in these cases the lawyers step in to handle these things and that it's just a safety precaution.

For me, personally, if my guy asked me to sign a prenup, I'd question it. I know that I'd never leave him rolling in debt/broke--even if he was the one that was the cause for a divorce because that's just not me. I'd probably get him to say that he didn't care if I signed it and that he'd marry me regardless, then I'd sign it anyway. If he couldn't say that he'd marry me without a prenup, then I'd rethink my choice of husband-to-be.

 

[RedHerby]

... I'd probably get him to say that he didn't care if I signed it and that he'd marry me regardless, then I'd sign it anyway ...

wow, I really like this way of thinking, I'm attracted to this, a woman who surrender in a winning situation, they have a choice and their choice is you, that feels so good!

 

[LadyLuna]

Well, at this point, the most I'm bringing to the table is a giant pile of debt...

If my partner asked for a prenup, I'd totally sign it, after reading very very carefully. Mostly, I want to make sure that my family heirlooms stay with me, that I get to keep the electronics I'm currently using, and half of the dishes, along with all my clothes and toiletries. Out of the rest of it, if he wants it, he can have it. The other thing I'd want to be sure of is that he's no longer responsible for my debt and that I'm no longer responsible for his. I'd also want it to say that if we have any kids, both of us will remain in their lives, though they should spend most of their time with the more responsible and stable parent. And yes, I want it worded that way because we won't know until we split who is more responsible and stable.

I do not like the whole prenup having what must happen in the marriage bit. That's... well. That can change. That should be a discussion, not a contract. Example: for a couple years, I was cool with anal. I'm not anymore. I know my moods change, and what I want out of a relationship does keep changing.

But, if we didn't have a prenup, well, I've already said all I'll be asking for. If he wants the kids, sure! Just make sure I get weekend visits, and a visit before each holiday (I won't ask for on the holiday, but if he lets me get that, awesome.)

 

[Jillybean]

My husband and I had nothing when we got married so a prenup seemed dumb. I might kick myself in the foot when we divorce... er IF we divorce.

But we will see.

I see a lot of people concerned about things they own before the marriage. Isn't it true that anything you own before a marriage is yours after? Only the things you guys get together count as disputing points during a divorce. Right?

 

[AllisonWilder]

My husband and I had nothing when we got married so a prenup seemed dumb. I might kick myself in the foot when we divorce... er IF we divorce.

But we will see.

I see a lot of people concerned about things they own before the marriage. Isn't it true that anything you own before a marriage is yours after? Only the things you guys get together count as disputing points during a divorce. Right?

Yes, it's true that what was yours before is yours after, but you have to prove that it was yours prior to the marriage. At least I did when I was getting divorced, anyway.

 

[Jillybean]

My husband and I had nothing when we got married so a prenup seemed dumb. I might kick myself in the foot when we divorce... er IF we divorce.

But we will see.

I see a lot of people concerned about things they own before the marriage. Isn't it true that anything you own before a marriage is yours after? Only the things you guys get together count as disputing points during a divorce. Right?

Yes, it's true that what was yours before is yours after, but you have to prove that it was yours prior to the marriage. At least I did when I was getting divorced, anyway.

Ahh so a prenup is proof that my partner agress that grandmother's diamond earrings, and my empire of a business are not his at all. It's not signing away rights... It's an confirmation that nothing is yours. I get it. Maybe I get it. I'm sure it gets much more comlex than that.

 

[Remykins]

If you go into a marriage believing that there is ZERO chance of you getting divorced, then you're a knob. Divorce happens. Alot. Like WAY more than successful marriages, and when I say successful marriages, I'm including the ones where partners remain married but are unhappy. If someone has assets going into the marriage, they should be protected for what STATISTICALLY will be a probable end to the relationship. Prenups don't predict doom - if you're hard working and both partners work at the relationship then the prenup won't even come into play or be an issue. But if you're like the 60+ percent of society, you're gonna be bloody thankful you have it in place when shit hits the fan. You wouldn't drive a car without wearing a seat belt to protect your body. You wouldn't own a home without insurance in case of fire or flood. You wouldn't fuck a stranger without tossing on a condom to protect your sexual health....driving a car, owning a home, fucking a stranger are all risks, and in the same respect, when you marry someone, your assets and accomplishments are at risk of being taken from you in the event that it ends. And divorce happens substantially more often to individuals than car wrecks, houses burning to the ground or STD's. :twocents-02cents: