Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[Red7227]

 

[WildFingers]

Lottery Winner

At breakfast, a man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lottery ?"

" I’d take half and leave you" she says.

"Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

 

[Misono]

I see that Google are set to build a batch of self-driving cars.

Maybe they can take me to all these local girls wanting to me me in my area that they keep telling me about.

 

[goldenaye666]

Guy walks into a drug store & asks for condoms. Clerks says we have many. Guy says have any with pesticide? My wife has a bug up her ass.

 

[WildFingers]

Them Aussies Dickens Cider make sure you try it tonight.

 

[Misono]

Them Aussies Dickens Cider make sure you try it tonight.

Good ad, but seems a bit similar to another Aussie ad!

 

[goldenaye666]

Ask people in a chat room (in text) what their favorite desert is, wait for them to answer chocolate, ice cream, etc... and laugh at them.

 

[Red7227]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Misono]

As I looked my soon-to-be wife up and down in her wedding dress and said "I do" she slapped me...

It obviously wasn't the reply she was expecting to "Do you think my bum looks big in this?".

 

[goldenaye666]

 

[goldenaye666]

What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends!

 

[Misono]

I just hung up a picture of a cat in my apartment.

"What happened to the picture of Buddha?", my friend asked.

"That was Zen, this is meow"

 

[Misono]

The new Star Wars film will debut a new fat robot to star alongside C3PO and R2D2. He will be called OBCT.

 

[WildFingers]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable'
tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican
woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion. Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[WildFingers]

A blonde joke. . .

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

 

[WildFingers]

A Blonde's Year in Review:

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
"2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid
phone!!!

 

[jeff98902]

Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?



He was a laughing stock! :tongue3:

 

[camstory]

 

[WildFingers]

A Catholic related joke. it is cute I hope ya like it.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

 

[WildFingers]

Alzheimer's Test

See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_


5. S_X

6. BOO_S











Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a Pervert.

 

[WildFingers]

Tough old golfer

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there

 

[Misono]

My girlfriend sent me a "Get better soon" card today.

I'm not ill, I'm just not very good in the bedroom.

 

[jeff98902]

:mrgreen:

Two priests are out driving one day

When they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other.

The driver turns back to the cop and says; "Alright officer, we'll do it"

 

[WildFingers]

An elderly golfer comes in after his round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar and restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swing doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $ 3.50
HAMBURGER: $ 7.00
CHEESEBURGER: $ 8.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 8.50
HAND JOB: $ 35.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.



“Yes?” she inquires with a broad smile. “May I help you, Sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his eyes and with an even wider smile, purrs, “Yes, Sir, I certainly am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and whispers into her left ear, “Well, then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a chicken sandwich.”

 

[Misono]

Me and my wife have a new deal where she has to lose a certain amount of weight, or I get to have sex with another woman of my choice.

To celebrate our new arrangement, I've ordered us in some pizza!

 

[jeff98902]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[WildFingers]

The Perfect Man


A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his #$%?& widow."

 

[jeff98902]

I like one liner jokes, Here are several that I like.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.


What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.

What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

 

[jeff98902]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!" :mrgreen:

 

[jeff98902]

A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eying this beautiful lady in the corner.

Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.

Agitated, the man says to the bartender "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!" So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him.

Even angrier, the man says "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!" He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer.

Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says "Man, I've had it. Whose stupid monkey is this anyway?" The bartender replied "It belongs to the piano player".

The man walks over to the piano player and says "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"

To this the piano player replies "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll do my best".