- Feb 28, 2013
- 3,341
- 22,379
- 213
- Twitter Username
- @JillybeanCams
- MFC Username
- Jillybean
- Streamate Username
- Jilly_Bean
Today I made the decision that I will quit camming.
As a kid, I read Horton Hears a Who all the time. It shaped me into the kind of person I could've been proud of. It taught me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you should think. You have your own thoughts. It also taught me that every person matters. Be an individual. Like what you like. Society will try to squash your individuality, but fuck that. You do what makes you happy and you don't hurt other people. Period. That's the secret to being happy.
Coming into the world of webcams and sex, I realized that I had lost that mindset somewhere between elementary school and adulthood. I found myself disgusted with you freaks who wanted me to take photos of my teeth, torture gummy bears, or pretend to turn into a giant blueberry. 'Seriously, who the fuck likes that shit?' I found myself thinking.
I was giddy with the money so I kept doing it. As I worked for you, I started to become very jealous of you weirdos. Here you were, unapologetically liking the things that made you happy. You found a way to get those things, and do it in a way that nobody felt uncomfortable or taken advantage of.
I realized a lot of pent up anger towards myself for the things that I enjoyed about sex. So I started telling my husband about these things. And he started listening. And then, to my surprise, he started doing those things.
It took time for me to get over my own shame and just go for it and feel pleasure without feeling guilt. You taught me that it was okay to do weird things for the rush. I will be grateful to you for that forever.
Jilly was born from a fantasy I had of my husband fucking another woman in front of me. That was my name for the fantasy woman. When I decided on doing this job and it came time to pick a name, that's the one I chose. It's incredible to me that because of this job, I not only admitted this fantasy, but got to fulfill it.
You taught me it's okay to like the things you like. This is finally trickling into other areas of my life.
For a long time, I've been unhappy with camming. I'm very sporadic in my schedule, and I'm unable to find motivation most days. After much thought (and therapy) I've narrowed down the problem: I'm very social and the isolation that comes with working in your apartment all day is wrecking my health
I went through numerous therapists who tried to convince me I had moral issues with my job. They tried to shame me for the sexual nature of the job. But thanks to you, I knew they were wrong. You freed me, and I will never let anyone undo the hard work you put in!
I want to share my childhood with you for a moment. As a middle school nerd, I was obsessed with Neopets, and my favorite thing to do was create web pages on there.
I was a little prodigy (if I do say so myself) at HTML and CSS. Soon after, I started making little pixelated graphics and enjoyed being creative. I convinced my parents to buy me a domain and server to play around in. That playground totally beat every physical playground I've ever been to. I learned more and I started to build little programs.
One of my programs was a cute duck that walked around your screen and got pissy at you if you didn't play with it (clicking on it). You had to drag little pixelated food into her mouth at regular intervals or she would faint.
Today I have no idea how I built that, or where to start to build it again. That's because I let someone shame that passion out of me. I let someone make me feel like there was something wrong with me because of how I liked spending my time. That someone was the parent of my best friend. My best friend was a cheerleader and her brother was a tiny football star. That parent told me there was something wrong with me for staying up until 7am writing lines of code. I believed her. I let that passion fade and I never found another.
So, what's next? Well, on June 16, I am quitting camming. I'm not doing anything special. I'm just working a final shift on NiteFlirt, and then closing my accounts.
I am moving to Washington with my husband, my cousin, and my two cats. That's 3,000 miles from where I am now, in Florida. I don't know anyone out there, but I do know I'm done here. And with that move coming, I realized the chance I have to change things now.
The move is happening on June 21st. After that, I'm enrolling into an intense web development boot camp. It's expensive, and tough, but I have a really good feeling that I will succeed. I've always been good at learning things.
I toyed around with the idea of keeping my camming profiles up while working in the web development field. I decided today that I wouldn't. I already have another side business venture and three jobs is just too many.
I get to tell everyone about my other business without worrying about their moral values. I'm very proud of it. I get to go to events, and sell my products and meet others. I make things and people actually like them enough to buy them! It's a pretty profitable little shop. It's nowhere near as profitable as camming, but I can live with that.
This world did its job in my life. It brought me back to the person I'm proud of. It peeled off so many layers of shame and guilt and now I am freely the person I want to be. I am like you weirdos. I like the things I like. People who don't like me because of the things I like; they don't matter.
Thank you. Thank you so fucking much for fixing me.
As a kid, I read Horton Hears a Who all the time. It shaped me into the kind of person I could've been proud of. It taught me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you should think. You have your own thoughts. It also taught me that every person matters. Be an individual. Like what you like. Society will try to squash your individuality, but fuck that. You do what makes you happy and you don't hurt other people. Period. That's the secret to being happy.
Coming into the world of webcams and sex, I realized that I had lost that mindset somewhere between elementary school and adulthood. I found myself disgusted with you freaks who wanted me to take photos of my teeth, torture gummy bears, or pretend to turn into a giant blueberry. 'Seriously, who the fuck likes that shit?' I found myself thinking.
I was giddy with the money so I kept doing it. As I worked for you, I started to become very jealous of you weirdos. Here you were, unapologetically liking the things that made you happy. You found a way to get those things, and do it in a way that nobody felt uncomfortable or taken advantage of.
I realized a lot of pent up anger towards myself for the things that I enjoyed about sex. So I started telling my husband about these things. And he started listening. And then, to my surprise, he started doing those things.
It took time for me to get over my own shame and just go for it and feel pleasure without feeling guilt. You taught me that it was okay to do weird things for the rush. I will be grateful to you for that forever.
Jilly was born from a fantasy I had of my husband fucking another woman in front of me. That was my name for the fantasy woman. When I decided on doing this job and it came time to pick a name, that's the one I chose. It's incredible to me that because of this job, I not only admitted this fantasy, but got to fulfill it.
You taught me it's okay to like the things you like. This is finally trickling into other areas of my life.
For a long time, I've been unhappy with camming. I'm very sporadic in my schedule, and I'm unable to find motivation most days. After much thought (and therapy) I've narrowed down the problem: I'm very social and the isolation that comes with working in your apartment all day is wrecking my health
I went through numerous therapists who tried to convince me I had moral issues with my job. They tried to shame me for the sexual nature of the job. But thanks to you, I knew they were wrong. You freed me, and I will never let anyone undo the hard work you put in!
I want to share my childhood with you for a moment. As a middle school nerd, I was obsessed with Neopets, and my favorite thing to do was create web pages on there.
I was a little prodigy (if I do say so myself) at HTML and CSS. Soon after, I started making little pixelated graphics and enjoyed being creative. I convinced my parents to buy me a domain and server to play around in. That playground totally beat every physical playground I've ever been to. I learned more and I started to build little programs.
One of my programs was a cute duck that walked around your screen and got pissy at you if you didn't play with it (clicking on it). You had to drag little pixelated food into her mouth at regular intervals or she would faint.
Today I have no idea how I built that, or where to start to build it again. That's because I let someone shame that passion out of me. I let someone make me feel like there was something wrong with me because of how I liked spending my time. That someone was the parent of my best friend. My best friend was a cheerleader and her brother was a tiny football star. That parent told me there was something wrong with me for staying up until 7am writing lines of code. I believed her. I let that passion fade and I never found another.
So, what's next? Well, on June 16, I am quitting camming. I'm not doing anything special. I'm just working a final shift on NiteFlirt, and then closing my accounts.
I am moving to Washington with my husband, my cousin, and my two cats. That's 3,000 miles from where I am now, in Florida. I don't know anyone out there, but I do know I'm done here. And with that move coming, I realized the chance I have to change things now.
The move is happening on June 21st. After that, I'm enrolling into an intense web development boot camp. It's expensive, and tough, but I have a really good feeling that I will succeed. I've always been good at learning things.
I toyed around with the idea of keeping my camming profiles up while working in the web development field. I decided today that I wouldn't. I already have another side business venture and three jobs is just too many.
I get to tell everyone about my other business without worrying about their moral values. I'm very proud of it. I get to go to events, and sell my products and meet others. I make things and people actually like them enough to buy them! It's a pretty profitable little shop. It's nowhere near as profitable as camming, but I can live with that.
This world did its job in my life. It brought me back to the person I'm proud of. It peeled off so many layers of shame and guilt and now I am freely the person I want to be. I am like you weirdos. I like the things I like. People who don't like me because of the things I like; they don't matter.
Thank you. Thank you so fucking much for fixing me.
