The second half of my answer from the Jordan Black's late birthday card thread
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... 41#p349641
Where was I ? Oh yes, - until not long ago I was much more uptight about such things as these than I liked. From the time I was 13-14 years old I have identified with the typical feminine sensitivities much more than most all the other boy/men I have ever known. I know some woman think this is a ridiculous statement, but I really always have felt like I am a lesbian in a man's body. Besides meaning that I am very sexually attracted to woman, and adore everything about the female body, it also means I get excited beyond just wanting to have a woman much of the time to play with, it means I get excited about the idea of actually being female. You can love the idea of driving an Austin, or a Bugatti, but never care to be it. Well you can also love the idea of being one if you are as into cars, or woman as much as I am.
That being the case, cross dressing excited me for a lot of years, though I have never been anything but disappointed more or less with the result. For that reason, it has been years since I have dressed up, with this video being the exception. That does not mean that woman's cloths, do not still excite me, they do. (if for no other reason, because of all the options, from types of garment, to fabric, to colour/print, fit, just so much more verity, -I guess that male force is strong with in me.) For me one of the most exciting things I have witnessed in a Models room is her changing. For me a Model putting on lingerie can be as stimulating as her taking it off.
So when I started to give you the second half of my answer, I really was just laying out the back story to make it answerable. I think it will be clear why I needed to tell you all that, when I tell you that I had, until seeing an Eddie Izzard comedy special about two years ago, always thought that this excitement about woman's cloths and dressing in them, and the desire to basically be a woman, meant I had some repressed desire to sexually be with a man. For many years that bugged the hell out of me, not because I thought it would be such a horrible thing if I did find my self sexually attracted to a man, but because I hated that I could not be honest with myself. If wearing woman's cloths meant I was part quire, why was that so uncomfortable a thought that I would not even allow myself to feel any attraction toward even 1 person of the male gender?* Well for years I was frustrated by the result that did not fit what I thought the reality was suppose to be, but all those years I was getting an output that didn't fit, or I thought didn't fit, because I had the equation fundamentally wrong.
(* I do find Jonny Depp attractive, but even then when I think about the details it does not appeal to me.)
So, because of this Eddie Izzard's show, I became aware for the first time that cross dressers are not typically attracted to other men and are heterosexual in their orientation. The reason I never got in touch with any repressed homosexual tendencies, is because there were none to get in touch with. So I guess now that I am at peace with myself, it feels very liberating to say, “yea, this is who I am, and I'm good with that, and you have to decided if you are good with it or not, but that does not concern me” Or at least not enough that I feel I need to hide it. So the second part of the answer would be, that when I thought of the idea of having this outrageous Mohawk deliver Jo's birthday, and the other clowns, Fruitdolph, and Aqueena, I guess it served two purposes, I did think it would be funny, and consciously that was my first and motivating thought, but I must have thought at some level it was a way to out myself too. And as an extension to that, must be this very interview, since I have the feeling I possessed you to ask the questions you did.
Credit Narrator, question: So when we are done, you are telling me, I don't have to back out of here?
Cam clown with the bad haircut, answer: No you don't have to back out. I'm not going to rush your ass the minute you turn around, though I do find you to be an attractive man, I'm just not feeling it. Besides, wouldn't such a pass start with a blow job, which would mean you would be setting your self up by backing out. :lol: :lol: :lol: