Questions from a (hopefully) self-aware member

[tracemonday]

A bit of background for context—

I’m more or less a regular dude with a family and good income. It seems kind of funny now, but while I’ve enjoyed porn throughout my adult life I only discovered that camming was a thing a few months ago. I thought it was amazing—the hotness of porn merged with (some of) the personal of a private sexual encounter. After initially going way overboard in the first week or so (which I suspect is common) I found a good balance, time and $ wise.

Soon though I had to start questioning why I was doing it and whether I should continue. Porn is just an outlet for sex drive, this was something new and different. Camming in many ways is designed to appeal to the personal and emotional side of human attraction, and while fun in the moment it made me feel unfaithful to my wife, with whom I have a loving and otherwise trusting relationship.

From there I became really interested in just learning about the industry. I looked for news articles, listened to podcasts, and eventually found forums like this. It’s been amusing to see the discussions of types of members and what models generally see as cool/lame/weird/annoying things they do. And thinking “cool I do that cool thing” and “whoops...I do that lame thing, guess I should stop...”

after the initial newness wore off I found myself gravitating regularly to about 5-6 models. For a show when the time is right but mostly I found myself drawn to the idea of building a fun relationship with them. A few of them might see me as a whale, but obviously I don’t know for sure.

I have absolutely no illusions that I’m creating real relationships here, nor do I see any white knight aspect of this. I’ve seen the “I’m in love with a cam girl” threads and while they’re amusing and lame, I can also see how they can happen, especially to a member who struggles to form meaningful real life relationships with women. The self-deception is chillingly easy.

Not being a socially inept lunatic, nor a deep-pocketed sexual deviant, that then begs the question: at least those guys have clear reasons for doing this, what are mine? And I think the answer is: while I love my wife, and my family is everything to me, part of me misses those aspects of being single that are forever off limits. The thrill of the chase, the fulfillment of seeing interest reciprocated, the singularly unique feeling of starting to feel infatuated with someone. In fact I find myself starting to get bored with a girl once she starts showing strong interest in me (real or otherwise). Once I’ve “won” the chase. And yes I realize these results are artificial, in that if the girl is doing her job well, of course I’m going to “win” her.

Point being, I love my wife and have no interest in cheating on her or any other type of real life relationship. But it’s like cam girls offer a loophole: I can feed my urge to re-experience flirting/courtship/desire without it actually fucking with my own emotions/temptations or another woman’s.

Probably more background than anyone cared for, I just wanted to try making the context for this question clear. The question being, are there any suggestions for things I should do or avoid with these girls?

I want to enjoy them for the reasons outlined above, but also want them to genuinely enjoy me. I know they’re working and I try to tip and buzz as appropriate. I’m genuinely interested in more about them, but also don’t want to ask too much or be the annoying needy guy who monopolizes their time with PMs. If I see they’re starting to get more attention in free chat I shut up and let them work.

I guess in other words, I like to consider myself as having enough understand of camming at this point to know what it’s all about and my role in it. I have no self-deception that I’m changing anyone’s world. I just like seeing a pretty girl, trying to make her genuinely smile, and succeeding. And I’m more than happy to pay for that experience.

I’m interested in anyone’s thoughts on any of the above and especially what I’m doing right, what I’m doing that’s annoying, and anything else I could be doing.

Sorry for the long post, appreciate your time reading it.

 

[MarieElise]

"nor a deep-pocketed sexual deviant"

This part made me laugh
Each model is gonna have individual preferences. As long as you are paying for time, including the time you take up trying to "get personal", I don't see any issues. I guess, to me, it would kind of depend on how personal you would be trying to get. If it's just idle chat, and not trying to be too deeply personal, it's probably not an issue.

I would say, for me, it's somewhat rare for a guy to bring up his wife unless he has a homewrecker fetish. But you actually didn't say that you bring her up with the models you visit. If I were talking to a dude in a camming context, and he brought up his wife a lot, I might start thinking he had that fetish and was trying to move the show in that direction. Just because a lot of viewers are indirect about their fetishes, and kind of hint and beat around the bush. Most do not talk of nor mention their wives or girlfriends otherwise (at least to me anyways). But that part might have just been a background for this forum.

Lol.. here are some things not to do based directly from my experiences...

DON'T

1) Don't put your camera on and be sitting there wearing the mask from the movie scream (wasn't taken positively).
2) Don't put the camera on and have it focused on the top of your potentially bald head, as that can be mistaken for a part of a penis, and makes for a really awkward situation (after the camera moves down and "comments" have already been made).
3) Don't put the camera on, but then be sitting in a room with the all of lights off (surprisingly common, best just not to put the camera on in that case, or be prepared to dick about with lighting forever, at the model's personal request, before the show can progress in "another" direction).

DO
1) Be direct regarding what you are wanting during private shows.
2) Know the rules/ Tos of the site which you use (somewhat thoroughly, and don't break them).

 

[LenaSexton]

Oooh a moral call... I discussed this with a someone of the opposite sex recently and this is my take on it. Personally, I do not believe that men are biologically wired to be monogamous and that it takes great effort on their part to remain "faithful". I'm not saying that it is impossible--just more difficult.
Hypothetically speaking, if my man were to interact with another woman I would rather that that woman be a sex worker, whether it be a camgirl, stripper, escort, than a woman that he has a deep emotional bond with like an ex-girlfriend. The reason being that I see one as being transactional for lack of a better word and the other being more intimate.
That being said many women are not okay with their significant other having ANY type of interaction with any other woman besides them and would be deeply hurt if they found out their boyfriends/husbands were interacting with other women--even online.
You and I see it as a buffer to prevent actual cheating, but many also see it as a slippery slope that can lead to IRL cheating. Whether or not you continue doing this or not is truly your call and no one can really advise you on it, because we do not know you or your wife IRL.
It is unfortunate, that many of us do not not feel we can truly be our 100% authentic selves in our relationships. Conversations like this need to be had with your significant other. There may be a guy at her job that she's attracted to, but wouldn't dare go there with IRL but she would consider exchanging a flirty text with or something. How would you feel about that?

 

[tracemonday]

This part made me laugh
Each model is gonna have individual preferences. As long as you are paying for time, including the time you take up trying to "get personal", I don't see any issues. I guess, to me, it would kind of depend on how personal you would be trying to get. If it's just idle chat, and not trying to be too deeply personal, it's probably not an issue.

I would say, for me, it's somewhat rare for a guy to bring up his wife unless he has a homewrecker fetish. But you actually didn't say that you bring her up with the models you visit. If I were talking to a dude in a camming context, and he brought up his wife a lot, I might start thinking he had that fetish and was trying to move the show in that direction. Just because a lot of viewers are indirect about their fetishes, and kind of hint and beat around the bush. Most do not talk of nor mention their wives or girlfriends otherwise (at least to me anyways). But that part might have just been a background for this forum.

Lol.. here are some things not to do based directly from my experiences...

DON'T

1) Don't put your camera on and be sitting there wearing the mask from the movie scream (wasn't taken positively).
2) Don't put the camera on and have it focused on the top of your potentially bald head, as that can be mistaken for a part of a penis, and makes for a really awkward situation (after the camera moves down and "comments" have already been made).
3) Don't put the camera on, but then be sitting in a room with the all of lights off (surprisingly common, best just not to put the camera on in that case, or be prepared to dick about with lighting forever, at the model's personal request, before the show can progress in "another" direction).

DO
1) Be direct regarding what you are wanting during private shows.
2) Know the rules/ Tos of the site which you use (somewhat thoroughly, and don't break them).

thank you for the thoughtful reply.

I don’t do c2c. Partially because I only access the site on my phone and am not sure if c2c is possible. But mainly because I’m really just not interested in that.

I never volunteer my relationship status and don’t want it to be a part of the experience. But a few girls have asked if I’m married or have a girlfriend, and I also don’t want to lie. I go as long as I can ignoring the question—pretending I was in the middle of asking my own question or that I just overlooked hers. A few have been persistent with the question and in these cases I tell them I don’t want to be misleading and tell them the truth. But it’s for no reason other than simply answering their question. With one girl, I eventually shared my motivation for being there as I outlined in my OP.

if you don’t mind, I do have another question. Part of me feels dumb for asking because it’s veering toward white knight territory, but how much thought should I put toward, for lack of a better phrase, “giving the girl a break.” I want to pay her for my time, but if she’s sore or anything like that, I don’t want to add to any discomfort. And it seems like all forms of tipping will buzz the toy.

In typing this out, it’s occurring to me they can probably turn the vibrator off when they want. So they can hear the noise from the computer and react accordingly but give themselves a break physically. And of course I’m basing this all on my own personal experiences with women, knowing how sore they can get, which seems to contrast with the 10-12 hour work days on a cam site.

Am I in the right ballpark on any of this? Again any advice is appreciated.

 

[tracemonday]

Oooh a moral call... I discussed this with a someone of the opposite sex recently and this is my take on it. Personally, I do not believe that men are biologically wired to be monogamous and that it takes great effort on their part to remain "faithful". I'm not saying that it is impossible--just more difficult.
Hypothetically speaking, if my man were to interact with another woman I would rather that that woman be a sex worker, whether it be a camgirl, stripper, escort, than a woman that he has a deep emotional bond with like an ex-girlfriend. The reason being that I see one as being transactional for lack of a better word and the other being more intimate.
That being said many women are not okay with their significant other having ANY type of interaction with any other woman besides them and would be deeply hurt if they found out their boyfriends/husbands were interacting with other women--even online.
You and I see it as a buffer to prevent actual cheating, but many also see it as a slippery slope that can lead to IRL cheating. Whether or not you continue doing this or not is truly your call and no one can really advise you on it, because we do not know you or your wife IRL.
It is unfortunate, that many of us do not not feel we can truly be our 100% authentic selves in our relationships. Conversations like this need to be had with your significant other. There may be a guy at her job that she's attracted to, but wouldn't dare go there with IRL but she would consider exchanging a flirty text with or something. How would you feel about that?

thank you as well for your thoughtful reply. (And if there are more replies...this applies to those as well without saying it every time...)

Honestly I’m not sure how exactly you took my OP with respect to morals and my relationship. I only meant to say I love my wife immensely and want to remain faithful to her.

I agree with you about monogamy not being a natural part of being human. If I didn’t think that I’d probably be upset with what I’ve done on this cam site to date. I also agree with you (I think) that the worst form of unfaithfulness is emotional, not physical. Which I think is why I begin to lose interest once the “courting” (heavy air quotes) part is over.

and I know you’re absolutely right about sharing this with my wife. It’s not something I can bring myself to do right now—not that they are justifications, but I could go into several somewhat unique reasons why.

I disagree with the the point I think you’re trying to make re. the hypothetical about my wife’s coworker. Of course that would upset me, but that example also falls under the “real life” side of things—a person she knows personally and sees in real life. Maybe not a big enough difference for your point, but to me a substantial one.

wasn’t really intending to discuss this aspect of things, but I’d be interested in more if you think I’m way off base with anything here.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

Soon though I had to start questioning why I was doing it and whether I should continue. Porn is just an outlet for sex drive, this was something new and different. Camming in many ways is designed to appeal to the personal and emotional side of human attraction, and while fun in the moment it made me feel unfaithful to my wife, with whom I have a loving and otherwise trusting relationship.

For me, this is what stuck out the most. If you feel unfaithful to your wife, why continue? I get all the context/info you gave. But, if feelings of being unfaithful fills your mind, why continue?

More importantly, how will your wife feel about it? What's her thought on not only the sexual aspect of it. But also the monetary?


@LenaSexton Touched on this part, as I was married to a woman who did not allow me to have any kind of relationship with women other than her, family and wives of longtime friends of mine. She did not approve of any porn, yet also went from being very sexually active when we met/married to basically non-existent within the first year of marriage (after kid).


I would take the above into serious consideration before going further. Is the risk worth it if she's like how my ex was?

 

[silentm0de]

Dear OP,

I sometimes have the same thoughts. I have been married for like 20 years, but contrary to you, I naver had the thought of being unfaithful. I have not touched another woman in those 20 years, but I visit camgirls regularly. Also, our sex life has died as soon as our first child was born, and even before that, we basically had sex only to conceive our son. Pathetic, I know. Morals? I don't care anymore. This is my own life, and noone can give you back a minute or a second. I have NO second thoughts about having some fun for myself anymore. I am too old for that, and time is running through my fingers. It is MY time, not her time.
I understand this may be different for you, having an intact, happy marriage. She gives to you. In your world, I would probably think differently. Still, I think you should reflect on what YOU want from your life. Not what morals want from your life. It is your own, difficult decision. I don't care cheating on my wife who was never interested in who I am, what I need, and what I want in the for the first place. In your case, there seems to be hope. She might be able to give you what camgirls give you now. Maybe be honest with her, ask her if she can do that for you.
For me, I am lost already, and I have no place else to go. And I am not ashamed of it. I sometimes find it hard to understand guys who do not want to cheat on their wives, but then I realize not everyone is having the wrong wife. She might be everything you ever wished for - but still - never be ahsamed of following your own, personal needs, even if it means bending the morals standards.

It is YOUR live, and it will also be your life when you reflect on it, on your deathbed. Do not begrudge yourself the fun you had. Never. Some things are for YOU, you alone. Not even your wife.

Our time is truly limited. Act accordingly, never punish yourself.

much love from
silentm0de

 

[LenaSexton]

thank you as well for your thoughtful reply. (And if there are more replies...this applies to those as well without saying it every time...)

Honestly I’m not sure how exactly you took my OP with respect to morals and my relationship. I only meant to say I love my wife immensely and want to remain faithful to her.

I agree with you about monogamy not being a natural part of being human. If I didn’t think that I’d probably be upset with what I’ve done on this cam site to date. I also agree with you (I think) that the worst form of unfaithfulness is emotional, not physical. Which I think is why I begin to lose interest once the “courting” (heavy air quotes) part is over.

and I know you’re absolutely right about sharing this with my wife. It’s not something I can bring myself to do right now—not that they are justifications, but I could go into several somewhat unique reasons why.

I disagree with the the point I think you’re trying to make re. the hypothetical about my wife’s coworker. Of course that would upset me, but that example also falls under the “real life” side of things—a person she knows personally and sees in real life. Maybe not a big enough difference for your point, but to me a substantial one.

wasn’t really intending to discuss this aspect of things, but I’d be interested in more if you think I’m way off base with anything here.

There is a moral aspect to it when you consider that you are keeping something hidden. Please do not mistake that for me judging you as, I am in no position too and TRUST I have done my share of dirt in my lifetime. We can all get shovels and start digging lol!
However, it comes down to can you sleep at night? If you can, then there's no reason to change your behavior right now. Like I said, she may be having some flirty, non-threatening fun that you do not know about--especially assuming that she's attractive.
As I said before, a lot of women and men feel that a threat to the relationship is real whether it's online or offline.
One thing that I would advise from a place of experience, is that you maintain your level of self awareness. Have certain lines that you absolutely will not cross. Again remember as much fun that you are having is that this is still transactional. Keep both heads on straight.
I'm surprised that the cam girls would ask your relationship status, because that is something that I have NEVER asked a member. It wouldn't even cross my mind, because your personal life is really none of our business. If you give the information freely that's one thing, but to ask a member's status is a bit much too me.
On a lighter note, so you like the girls with the Lushes aye? What is really funny to me are the girls who act like they are having seizures when they get tipped. They do feel wonderful, but have yet to have an orgasm that made me do that! Lighten up we have to have a little comic relief right?!?

 

[tracemonday]

For me, this is what stuck out the most. If you feel unfaithful to your wife, why continue? I get all the context/info you gave. But, if feelings of being unfaithful fills your mind, why continue?

More importantly, how will your wife feel about it? What's her thought on not only the sexual aspect of it. But also the monetary?


@LenaSexton Touched on this part, as I was married to a woman who did not allow me to have any kind of relationship with women other than her, family and wives of longtime friends of mine. She did not approve of any porn, yet also went from being very sexually active when we met/married to basically non-existent within the first year of marriage (after kid).


I would take the above into serious consideration before going further. Is the risk worth it if she's like how my ex was?

I might not have been clear enough on what I meant by that. What you quoted was in the context of my initial dive into the camming world. I’ll admit I was initially not just awed by the opportunities the site provides, but very much bought what the girls were selling in terms of how unique and memorable I was. Silly as it is with what I now know, I was starting to think my personality and “skill” (LO fuckin L) was specially attractive to these girls and that I was quickly becoming a special person to them rather than just another member.

At the time, this for me was the “winning” of their heart and mind I mentioned earlier, the goal of the “chase” and which based on prior life experience naturally leads to those feelings of infatuation and beyond. It was when I started experiencing those feelings that things started to feel wrong relative to my real life relationship.

And it was here that I stepped back, asked myself what was more likely, that I miraculously was one internet Prince Charming appearing to them through an endless mass of nonsense, or that it only felt that way and they were good at making me feel it. Which then led to my interest in the industry generally, and learning more about it.

Sitting here today, I no longer think what you quoted because I see my own approach to it about as close to what the model’s is as a member can get. I know I’m more or less there for the thrill of trying to get a girl to “like” me for me, and I also know it’s artificial in that if they’re smart enough and want my money, of course they’re going to “like” me. In the end I take half a blue pill and half a red pill—I know what reality is, but I can still enjoy pretending for a moment that it’s real.

the net takeaway includes no real feelings or distorted illusions of reality. Loose end fantasies, maybe, “what if’s” maybe. But a far cry from the emotional unfaithfulness that to me is at the heart of a “wrong,” unfaithful relationship.

And maybe all this is to you is absurd rationalizing, which I concede maybe it is. In which case I guess I’m taking more of the red pill than even I think.

 

[tracemonday]

Dear OP,

I sometimes have the same thoughts. I have been married for like 20 years, but contrary to you, I naver had the thought of being unfaithful. I have not touched another woman in those 20 years, but I visit camgirls regularly. Also, our sex life has died as soon as our first child was born, and even before that, we basically had sex only to conceive our son. Pathetic, I know. Morals? I don't care anymore. This is my own life, and noone can give you back a minute or a second. I have NO second thoughts about having some fun for myself anymore. I am too old for that, and time is running through my fingers. It is MY time, not her time.
I understand this may be different for you, having an intact, happy marriage. She gives to you. In your world, I would probably think differently. Still, I think you should reflect on what YOU want from your life. Not what morals want from your life. It is your own, difficult decision. I don't care cheating on my wife who was never interested in who I am, what I need, and what I want in the for the first place. In your case, there seems to be hope. She might be able to give you what camgirls give you now. Maybe be honest with her, ask her if she can do that for you.
For me, I am lost already, and I have no place else to go. And I am not ashamed of it. I sometimes find it hard to understand guys who do not want to cheat on their wives, but then I realize not everyone is having the wrong wife. She might be everything you ever wished for - but still - never be ahsamed of following your own, personal needs, even if it means bending the morals standards.

It is YOUR live, and it will also be your life when you reflect on it, on your deathbed. Do not begrudge yourself the fun you had. Never. Some things are for YOU, you alone. Not even your wife.

Our time is truly limited. Act accordingly, never punish yourself.

much love from
silentm0de

thank you for sharing and for your thoughts.

 

[MarieElise]

thank you for the thoughtful reply.

I don’t do c2c. Partially because I only access the site on my phone and am not sure if c2c is possible. But mainly because I’m really just not interested in that.

I never volunteer my relationship status and don’t want it to be a part of the experience. But a few girls have asked if I’m married or have a girlfriend, and I also don’t want to lie. I go as long as I can ignoring the question—pretending I was in the middle of asking my own question or that I just overlooked hers. A few have been persistent with the question and in these cases I tell them I don’t want to be misleading and tell them the truth. But it’s for no reason other than simply answering their question. With one girl, I eventually shared my motivation for being there as I outlined in my OP.

if you don’t mind, I do have another question. Part of me feels dumb for asking because it’s veering toward white knight territory, but how much thought should I put toward, for lack of a better phrase, “giving the girl a break.” I want to pay her for my time, but if she’s sore or anything like that, I don’t want to add to any discomfort. And it seems like all forms of tipping will buzz the toy.

In typing this out, it’s occurring to me they can probably turn the vibrator off when they want. So they can hear the noise from the computer and react accordingly but give themselves a break physically. And of course I’m basing this all on my own personal experiences with women, knowing how sore they can get, which seems to contrast with the 10-12 hour work days on a cam site.

Am I in the right ballpark on any of this? Again any advice is appreciated.

I don't want to get into the whole wife thing, that's not my business, and I don't know anything about your relationship, so I won't comment on that part, or make any assumptions. I would have to ask way too many questions first, to even begin to get an understanding of another person's relationship/ marriage.

Breaks? I can only answer that from the perspective of an independent non-studio cam model. I take breaks when I want them, it would annoy me if someone else tried to decide whether I needed a break. If you feel a model looks tired and isn't sexy or appealing to you right then, I would not get a show with them. However, I would not take it further and say anything about breaks. It's sweet to care, and be a caring guy though, but I don't think that you should take that particular issue any further than I mentioned above. Models need to learn when to take breaks, and where to set their boundaries for themselves

 

[melanieoncam]

I've always thought it's a bit ridiculous to consider viewing a cam model as cheating. As long as you can afford it and are not neglecting your partner sexually to me it's no different than me masturbating when my partner isn't in the mood. It's just images on a screen vs. images in your head.

I guess it might be a bit different if a model is pretending to be a girlfriend to lead someone on but I've always been repulsed by the idea.

 

[MarieElise]

She did not approve of any porn, yet also went from being very sexually active when we met/married to basically non-existent within the first year of marriage (after kid).

This kind of situation is why I don't wanna judge or focus on the wife part. I know of both women and men who have had this happen to them in relationships. Needs are needs. This kind of thing happens a lot, as far as sex drives over time go, and poor long term match ups. Masturbating, having a good sex drive, and enjoying mutual sex among consenting adults, is one of the most important parts of life to some of us. If that part of the relationship died for me, so would any long term commitment. I can't imagine putting that into the vows though "through sickness and health, but only if you maintain a periodic boner for me for through the test of time, on a "reasonably" frequent basis" lol.

It's not unheard of for porn and cam models to help a relationship. Depends on the specific agreed-upon rules of that relationship.

Some of us watch porn together and individually in relationships, and also do not see getting cam shows as cheating, more sharing the love/ or an appetizer to the main course, and part of the fun

 

[tracemonday]

There is a moral aspect to it when you consider that you are keeping something hidden. Please do not mistake that for me judging you as, I am in no position too and TRUST I have done my share of dirt in my lifetime. We can all get shovels and start digging lol!
However, it comes down to can you sleep at night? If you can, then there's no reason to change your behavior right now. Like I said, she may be having some flirty, non-threatening fun that you do not know about--especially assuming that she's attractive.
As I said before, a lot of women and men feel that a threat to the relationship is real whether it's online or offline.
One thing that I would advise from a place of experience, is that you maintain your level of self awareness. Have certain lines that you absolutely will not cross. Again remember as much fun that you are having is that this is still transactional. Keep both heads on straight.
I'm surprised that the cam girls would ask your relationship status, because that is something that I have NEVER asked a member. It wouldn't even cross my mind, because your personal life is really none of our business. If you give the information freely that's one thing, but to ask a member's status is a bit much too me.
On a lighter note, so you like the girls with the Lushes aye? What is really funny to me are the girls who act like they are having seizures when they get tipped. They do feel wonderful, but have yet to have an orgasm that made me do that! Lighten up we have to have a little comic relief right?!?

To your points in order—

Yes I can sleep at night. My reluctance to share with her stems from what I believe would be her view of it, as you put it, a threat to the relationship, no matter how I tried to convey my side. And again I acknowledge she might be right about that.

The bottom line is I’m incredibly happy with her and have no need to get from others what I can get from her. It’s just that there is one thing she can’t provide: that thrill of the chase, whatever basic human instinct it is to want to be accepted and wanted by some new person. I know there are many ways to keep those fires lit in our relationship. We talk about this very thing and try to do them. But still there isn’t anything that can fully replicate a brand new chase with a brand new person. I don’t even want the person, I just want the chase.

Re. Getting asked about my relationship status. Most girls have not said a word about it. Those that have are the ones who I’ve gotten to “know“ the most. With these girls the conversation seems to eventually and playfully drift to a hypothetical in-person meeting. From “what would you do to me if you were here” to obviously playful hints at what we’d be like and what we could accomplish as a couple. And just to (hopefully) be redundant, I have no illusions they actually mean this in any real way, and really have no desire to act on it even if they did. But we’ll have fun going back and forth about it. Maybe they’re just checking to make sure I’m not single and so less likely to do something crazy like try to visit them? I don’t know.

lastly yes, the lushes. I only use one site and as far as I can tell every single girl I’ve encountered has it. Buzzing it is the basis of the tipping scheme. And yes I find it really funny how over the top some girls are. But if you subscribe to the theory that most members are as clueless about women as they are about most everything else (which I realize doesn’t point ina good direction for ME) then it makes perfect sense they can get away with this.

But sometimes I get the sense that they’re fresh off a particularly effective show, they’ll mention being sore, and/or I’m reading their body language as maybe just wanting a break. I’m not trying to white knight the situation, just that if I told someone my dick was sore I’d appreciate them not punching me in the dick.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

This kind of situation is why I don't wanna judge or focus on the wife part. I know of both women and men who have had this happen to them in relationships. Needs are needs. This kind of thing happens a lot, as far as sex drives over time go, and poor long term match ups. Masturbating, having a good sex drive, and enjoying mutual sex among consenting adults, is one of the most important parts of life to some of us. If that part of the relationship died for me, so would any long term commitment. I can't imagine putting that into the vows though "through sickness and health, but only if you maintain a periodic boner for me for through the test of time, on a "reasonably" frequent basis" lol.

It's not unheard of for porn and cam models to help a relationship. Depends on the specific agreed-upon rules of that relationship.

Some of us watch porn together and individually in relationships, and also do not see getting cam shows as cheating, more sharing the love/ or an appetizer to the main course, and part of the fun

Agreed, and I wasn't trying to judge the OP or his wife. Rather, just a point of awareness in terms of what might happen if she finds out about his not only looking or watching it. But, also the financial aspect of money being spent on it. It was from personal experience that I brought it up.

As to sexual activity with my ex, I still found her very attractive and would frequently make attempts to have intimacy with her. But, for various reasons, it very rarely happened. I'd be lucky if I said we had sex every 3-6 months. Her stepmom even commented that we should watch porn together to see if it could get rekindled at times. To which the ex got offended by it.

Just one of the many hang-ups I still have about relationships to this day.

 

[MarieElise]

Agreed, and I wasn't trying to judge the OP or his wife.

Yes, I didn't mean to imply that any other responders were, I meant that purely from my own perspective and responses i.e. that it might be tempting for anyone to judge, and get involved in that part of this situation. So just wanna be clear Force, I was in no way judging you, for potentially judging (tbh I never read your full response anyways, I just saw that one part and it struck me as something I wanted to comment on). So hopefully we are all good, I would not want you to think that that part of my response was either a dig nor related to your prior comments.

ETA; Also sorry to derail OP, I just didn't want risk Force potentially misunderstanding me, as I like him a lot.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

But sometimes I get the sense that they’re fresh off a particularly effective show, they’ll mention being sore, and/or I’m reading their body language as maybe just wanting a break. I’m not trying to white knight the situation, just that if I told someone my dick was sore I’d appreciate them not punching me in the dick.

As far as this goes, if I know a model was recently in a private I won't take her shortly after.

 

[tracemonday]

As far as this goes, if I know a model was recently in a private I won't take her shortly after.

Right, agreed. I was also asking in the context of just general tips/buzzes in free chat. I mentioned in another reply that I only use one site, and buzzing the toy is the basis of the tip system. I’m guessing based on what I’m reading that this may not be the case with other sites.

so I like to buzz occasionally to 1, help pay for their time and 2, sometimes playfully accent a joke or comment.

I’m not aware that there’s any option other than tipping outside of chat entirely to pay them without buzzing the toy (unless they turn the buzz off). So I’m really asking less about something like back to back privates, and more about tipping/playful buzzes generally.

 

[tracemonday]

Breaks? I can only answer that from the perspective of an independent non-studio cam model. I take breaks when I want them, it would annoy me if someone else tried to decide whether I needed a break.

Yeah sorry, I once again wasn’t clear enough. I didn’t mean like a take 15, I meant more like she’s in free chat after being in private for awhile, we’re talking, and she’d of course appreciate the money but all things being equal could go without the physical buzz for a bit. In that situation I want to tip her but don’t want to buzz her if she doesn’t.

 

[tracemonday]

ETA; Also sorry to derail OP, I just didn't want risk Force potentially misunderstanding me, as I like him a lot.

No apology needed, I enjoyed your exchange. My experience with online conversations basically consists of twitter and a few sports message boards and I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how cordial everyone is and the apparent real efforts to understand and empathize with others’ points. Almost astonished, really, compared to what I’m used to.

 

[MarieElise]

Yeah sorry, I once again wasn’t clear enough. I didn’t mean like a take 15, I meant more like she’s in free chat after being in private for awhile, we’re talking, and she’d of course appreciate the money but all things being equal could go without the physical buzz for a bit. In that situation I want to tip her but don’t want to buzz her if she doesn’t.

Oh got it, yeah I don't use those buzzy things, although I probably should, a lot of folks ask about them. But anyway idk when it comes to those things, you are right they are highly popular, and some guys do $1 at a time. From what I've read, which seems like it could get physically overwhelming, but also really fun at times too. So I can see why you would be asking about that specifically.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

Right, agreed. I was also asking in the context of just general tips/buzzes in free chat. I mentioned in another reply that I only use one site, and buzzing the toy is the basis of the tip system. I’m guessing based on what I’m reading that this may not be the case with other sites.

so I like to buzz occasionally to 1, help pay for their time and 2, sometimes playfully accent a joke or comment.

I’m not aware that there’s any option other than tipping outside of chat entirely to pay them without buzzing the toy (unless they turn the buzz off). So I’m really asking less about something like back to back privates, and more about tipping/playful buzzes generally.

Im not sure the site you’re on. But this is more model specific with the one I am on. A model can setup an incremental range of tip actions. She might even skip numbers for normal things, one model I know skips her boob flash or tip menu item amount from the lush.

other models will have it set where everything goes to the lush. Many still don’t use them. Personally I am not a fan of the little pink alien for a number of reasons. But it is her room to run as she likes.

For the most part, I tip amounts not associated with a tip menu or item, etc. I’m an “in the mood” tipper meaning I tip based more on what’s happening in the room such as a funny joke, ongoing public conversation, perhaps a tip with note to the model, etc. I do this regardless if there’s a lush or not.
Now, I have tipped on occasion for the lush to go off at a particular time such as when a model is drinking water, doing a bit, etc. but, the novelty wore off pretty quickly.
For some reason I was thinking there’s an option one can do to not trigger the toy. Kind of like one can to have it not count for the countdown?

 

[Deleted member 37064]

No apology needed, I enjoyed your exchange. My experience with online conversations basically consists of twitter and a few sports message boards and I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how cordial everyone is and the apparent real efforts to understand and empathize with others’ points. Almost astonished, really, compared to what I’m used to.

We’ve had our moments. Though it is pretty rare. I would say that for the most part it’s pretty cordial. If anything, I’d say what gets us (or used to) are the countless in love with a cam girl threads where everyone thinks their situation is different and they won’t listen to the answers they asked for

 

[Smoothie]

OP - Like you, I enjoy flirting with the models I visit, having fun back-and-forth banter along with the physical stuff. I tip for it, of course (it’s not on many tip menus, so I tip off-menu token amounts for the flirting & the company). Like you, I enjoy trying to flirt while acknowledging that it’s a rigged game since the models are playing along, even if they might (I hope) actually enjoy having me in their rooms.

You asked for some do’s and don’ts... you’re in a different situation from me, but based on my own interactions, here are some from a member’s POV:

DO:

- Establish a line you won’t cross and hold yourself to it. Where you draw the line depends on your comfort level. What things would make you feel like you went too far vs. things that keep you in harmless “fantasy” mode? (Examples of lines you might not want to cross as a married man: Chatting with models off site, saying “I love you” even as a pleasantry, sending tips or gifts outside of the camming platform, etc.)

Establishing a line you won’t cross could prevent you from “chasing” that feeling too far and forcing yourself to reel it back in, which can be unpleasant (such as when you suddenly stop reciprocating the “I love you’s” and she calls you on it).

- Tip regularly. (Sounds like you’re already doing this)

- Back off for a while when other members initiate tipping or chatting, or if the model is visibly not in a position to chat (also sounds like you’re doing this already)

DON’T:

- Exchange real information as part of any fantasy. If she must have a name to call you by, pick something you can remember that is not your actual name. This is SOP for models, so don’t feel bad about doing it as a member. It’s all part of the deal.

- Visit every show for any model. Take a show or two off occasionally. It’ll protect you from forming an unhealthy pattern and save you money. And if you like the feeling of a fresh and new interaction with a model, this will help prevent it from getting stale.

Lastly - on the topic of models asking if you have a wife or girlfriend, I get that pretty frequently but it’s usually presented as a less intrusive “do you live by yourself.” Usually, they’re curious if I have a partner and I guess that’s a less personal way of asking.

 

[tracemonday]

For the most part, I tip amounts not associated with a tip menu or item, etc. I’m an “in the mood” tipper meaning I tip based more on what’s happening in the room such as a funny joke, ongoing public conversation, perhaps a tip with note to the model, etc.

same. And because literally every girl uses it, I like to use it as basically another element of conversation to, like I said accentuate a comment or joke. I think it’s funny, and the girl seems to too, to reply to playful snark or a bold claim with nothing but a buzz or two. It becomes part of the way I can communicate. And of course I do this knowing it’s part of how I’m paying.

I’m kind of interested to try another site to see how it’s set up in a way that doesn’t revolve around the Lush. This site’s whole system seems built around it. Reminders from the girls and chat mods or whatever to buzz them to get them wet, etc. There are gifts and just regular tips, but these do cause a buzz. We are led to believe that the pricier the gift/tip, the longer/stronger the buzz, thus encouraging higher tipping.

I’ve found it to be really enjoyable in that it really adds an element to feeling like you’re connecting with them. Actually was high one night and felt like I was entering a new dimension thinking about how my own actions could actually sexually stimulate a woman on the other side the world.

of course a lot of their reactions are performance art. But it goes back to the blue pill/red pill thing: as long as it’s not comically over the top, I’m willing to suspend belief. It’s just entertainment. Enjoying Thor movies doesn’t require believing Asgard actually exists.

To your last question, I’m not aware of being able to disconnect the buzzes from tips on my end. I think the girl can, but maybe I’ll ask. If so my answe is probably that they’ll turn the buzz off if they really want to.

 

[tracemonday]

DO:

- Establish a line you won’t cross and hold yourself to it. Where you draw the line depends on your comfort level. What things would make you feel like you went too far vs. things that keep you in harmless “fantasy” mode? (Examples of lines you might not want to cross as a married man: Chatting with models off site, saying “I love you” even as a pleasantry, sending tips or gifts outside of the camming platform, etc.)

I Ricky-Gervais’-Michael-Scott level cringe imagining telling a model I love her. Even if I meant it I don’t think I could do it for fear of her seeing it and laughing hysterically.

DON’T:

- Exchange real information as part of any fantasy. If she must have a name to call you by, pick something you can remember that is not your actual name. This is SOP for models, so don’t feel bad about doing it as a member. It’s all part of the deal.

It’s be awesome if my name was Trace Monday. Pretty badass name if I say so myself.

 

[Smoothie]

I Ricky-Gervais’-Michael-Scott level cringe imagining telling a model I love her.

Then you’re doing well.

 

[AmberCutie]

as I can tell every single girl I’ve encountered has it. Buzzing it is the basis of the tipping scheme. And yes I find it really funny how over the top some girls are. But if you subscribe to the theory that most members are as clueless about women as they are about most everything else (which I realize doesn’t point ina good direction for ME) then it makes perfect sense they can get away with this.

This RE: Lush - I definitely agree that this is why they're so popular. Honestly if I just cared about the money, and not about an actual human-feeling connection and some honesty with my regular members, I'd be pushing this hard and hamming it up with a Lush because it really does mean faster money from a larger audience of people that are JUST there for that thrill.

 

[mika_kedi]

About Lush - human vaginal canal is pretty much only sensitive close to the opening, there's very little nerve endings deep inside. If I don't want to feel lush vibrating too much i just push it deeper and fake my reactions to tips. I'd say just throw those tips at them when you feel like it, the models can handle it and if they need a break they can ask for it.

 

[tracemonday]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply especially @EliMarie717 and @ForceTen. Glad to know I’m mostly on the right track and have some good additional thoughts as well. And more to think about than I ever anticipated.

@AmberCutie thanks and awesome work, great to have this as a resource. Refreshing to stumble into a non-toxic and downright friendly online community. Who’da thunk cam girls have this online communication thing figured out...

really though I know it was just a random msg board post but in an era of dissolving norms, kindness and decency especially online, I can’t tell you all how refreshing this was and how much I appreciate it.