OMG, exact same! I have been away for... almost 6 months now? I dunno, I keep finding excuses. Legit, my house got destroyed in a natural disaster and I was homeless for a while. So that kept me busy. It was a reasonable excuse to be away, because I had no internet, etc. But I was burned out already when that happened. And now, the disaster is a legit reason I need money again. And I think ultimately, money is what will bring me back. I have been busy with a bunch of financial things and whatever, getting my life back in order. But I have fewer and fewer timely excuses on the list every month, so might be back on camming in as little as a week or two. I wasn't doing it long, so it sucks that I will have to start basically over building all the fanbase I had, etc. I had invested a lot. But I put so much of myself into it, I didn't have anything left for myself.
I am planning this time around for things that will help. Like I am thinking of ways to stay on camera, doing things I would do anyway. And not being too attached to getting paid for the first few months, which I think was my mistake last time. I was so obsessive, and then frustrated any time I didn't meet goals. But it was summer, on Chaturbate, and soooo hard to make anything as a new model with endless pages of other more well-known models to compete with - I was getting a ton of compliments about how great my room was and how great I looked, but making pennies basically. Then sometimes I would suddenly make a ton, ad it would keep me hooked and make me blame myself when times got slow again. I like took it too seriously, as a main source of income. This time around, I will be doing other things and this will be a side job, unless and until things really pick up. So I will be doing things like chatting with people when I feel lonely, ignoring them if I feel like it (I've seen tons of models who make bank ignoring customers anyway, including fairly new ones), exercising, doing yoga, playing instruments, listening to my favorite tunes, playing games with the customers if I feel like it but not if I don't, telling gross guys to fuck off instead of trying to think of a way to be polite so they'll pay me chump change, and maybe even eating on cam, although that is something I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. I feel a need to look perfect at all times on cam, but I think that was also too stressful. But taking it so seriously before, made me unhappy. I also plan to start with much shorter hours. Last time around, I was on all over the day and night, with a crazy schedule because I was trying to make money, and tons of hours in a row with no break for food or water or rest or anything. This time, I may just do a few hours, a few days a week very consistently, and possibly stick to that. Whatever I have to do not to burn out. And either drink water and/or eat, or keep it short so I don't get physically so broken down.
For me, I think what bothered me the most is taking this job so I could feel in control of something, and then not feeling in control. I need to be wearing what I want to wear, saying what I want to say, and doing what I want to do. I can't control the cash flow. But I can control the hours, and how well I treat myself. I can control if I show respect for my needs or not, and hopefully over the longterm that would attract customers who also have respect for my needs and are pleasant to spend my time with. If I am working myself to death for a pittance paid by unpleasant people, how is that any different from the world of "reality" I have been killing myself in already? The whole point of camming was to be able to set different hours and to enjoy myself more, even if I don't make as much money as I do in the real world. I don't like slaving for other people, and their inherent disrespect when I am in an employee capacity, even when I am management. And some months, there is at least the potential with camming that I might make not only the same money, but more. If I don't, I need to at least feel that I respected my needs during the process, and enjoyed my time so I don't feel like I wasted my life for like $5/hr or whatever.
So, what are your needs? What bothered you the most about camming when you did it before? The only way I think to convince yourself to get back in the game, and take care of yourself so you don't burn out again soon, is to address what went wrong last time that is making you hesitate to get back. And are you sure this is something you actually want to do... because honestly, it's not going to work for all people at all points in their lives, and possibly it just doesn't work for you right now. It's ok if you've outgrown it, even temporarily. It's ok to say sex work doesn't fit your needs. It's hard, because it's actually a very giving job, and if you don't get back what you want, it will drain you to the ground quickly. Your whole life is being what other people want, and that is a lot to live up to. If they don't cover you with piles of money, or compliments, or a sense of control, or whatever else you were in it for in exchange, then it makes sense if what you do get out of it isn't enough for you. It is very easy to come away from it feeling used.
I like the community potential with camming - particularly the other girls. I like the sisterhood I feel with them, and how smart they are. Also, I'm attracted to a lot of them, lol, so always fun to click over to someone else's room to watch when I need a break! And I like how creative I can be with the medium. So for me, those are some things that draw me to the world that other jobs don't have. Theoretically, I can do it whenever I want, on whatever schedule I have time for - although certain hours and amounts of time will not make as much money as others, of course. And I never need to leave my house, which is great. But expecting it to be my primary source of income was too much stress, and ultimately made me feel more like I was whoring than enjoying. Which made me very unhappy. I don't want to feel like I am giving more than I am getting. So this time around I have a few other income sources set up, so I can ease into it just a few hours a week, and consider increasing my hours if it goes well and I actually enjoy myself enough to WANT to do it more often. If not, I'll just stick to my time and wait to increase the income slowly with increasing viewership and loyal customers - it wasn't too hard for me to attract that kind last time. And then if I stop liking it, I'll leave again. I'll have other options, so I can stop if I want to - just knowing there is an escape route will be important for me. I did not have one last time, and would not have stopped if I literally had not been forced out of my house.
You know what's really weird? I have a very high sex drive, and masturbate quite a few times a day. Camming just seemed like a natural fit. But I found that camming killed my sex drive like nothing else ever has! It ruined my sexuality to feel like I had to cum on command, rather than do what I wanted to do, WHEN I wanted to do it, the WAY I wanted to do it. So I am toying with the idea of changing my approach, and just doing what I feel like regardless of what visitors to the room have to say about it. Like masturbate for real because I feel like it, and pretend nobody is watching. And then they pay or they don't. And then not masturbate if I don't want to, even if people are paying money and pressuring me to. Not being a sex kitten. Being a real human woman, showing her genuine sexuality rather than the fake on-demand porn version of sexuality. Not sure how this will work, because I don't want to kill my satisfaction score which is currently at 100%. But maybe. I don't want this work to take my sexuality away from me. I may be doing it in front of other people, but it is still for ME, and I'll be damned if I let this kill my sex drive for the rest of my life because one of the things I liked the most becomes yet another chore I have to do at other people's command. I also don't like contributing to sexist and skewed ideas of women and what turns women on. So that's another thought, in case any of that might also feel relevant for you.
Hope something I said in this helps you think it over, and find a way to do what makes you feel happiest!
I think this is a job that only works if you feel like you are nurturing yourself. It's not just about servicing other people's random wants 24 hours a day. It's about being loving to yourself.
