How to cope with this anxiety

[amianonymousenough]

When I was 19, I was a cam girl for a very brief time. I'm now 22. I did it for about two weeks and only went on about 4 or 5 times. I came from a very poor home, my father was sexually abusive in the past so I wanted to make some cash without having to work at minimum wage retail so I could finally move out. I was never popular on the site and at the time I deleted my account, I had about 80 followers and the most viewers I ever had at a time was about 90-100.

I made about a thousand bucks from the few times I did it and never looked back. I never really showed my face that much. When I would masturbate, I would cut my head off in the camera most of the time. I barely even moaned or spoke because my parents were in the house. It was pretty "vanilla" and I would just play with myself with the same dildo most of the time. Nothing special.

It never crossed my mind again. Moving forward, I have been a pretty popular Instagram blogger and have had YouTube videos with millions of views.

I've never been outed out by my kinky past. When I google my old cam girl username, no video links or nothing come up. It's completely vacant.

However, the past few days, I got really paranoid and deleted my Instagram. I'm fearful I'll be outed out someday and it will ruin my current relationship or potential jobs. I've been sifting through countless porn sites, typing in my old handle and typing in a related description to myself in hopes of maybe bumping into something.

I've literally gone NUTS and haven't found anything! I've even considered going to see a therapist for a piece of mind! I've literally had my face out there in the social scene after camming and have not been outed out so I don't know.

Maybe I am overthinking and overreacting? HELP!

 

[AudriTwo]

First: Breathe.

Second: if you searched and can't find any rements, that's a good sign.

Third: go talk to someone! It helps speaking with someone who is safe and nonjudgemental, plus gives you an objective perspective. Lgbt councilors are more positivly open to sex work with past clients from my experience.

Fourth: come to terms with your past. Do not be ashamed of yourself. There is nothing wrong with camming and is 100% legal. If someone drags you because you made a consentual decision to cam, they are an asshole. You don't have to discuss it, or aknowledge camming, bc it is nobody's business other than your own. Or you can own it and call out slut shaming (your following will probably stand up for you too, remember)

Five: self care. Take this weekend to care for yourself, physically and mentally. Go get a facial, nails, or hair done. Hell get a massage. Maybe some yoga, or read that book you have putting off.

Six (optional): you can hire a dmca company to do dmca's on your old content on your behalf. You no longer have to go through the stress of combing for your old content. I chewed off my nails everyrime I did, lol.

 

[amianonymousenough]

Thanks, beautiful! I appreciate your feedback. Needed to hear this today!

I'm definitely going to take care of myself this weekend, I need it.

If I hire a DMCA company, would they be able to search for my old content and find it and take it down? Or would I have to provide them with the links?

 

[Slapstick]

Everything Audri said.

There will always be a non-zero chance you will be found out, but not being able to find anything yourself after that much searching is certainly a good sign.

If you ever are confronted about your camming history I would simply tell people what you’ve told us in your first paragraph, ”I was in a sexually abusive situation and needed money to get out. That is how I did it.”. Doing what you need to do to survive is never anything to be ashamed of.

 

[Mila_]

I lived through the very same thing you fear only in the opposite direction. I was a famous blogger first and camgirl second. I got found out within 1 month of camming because of it and it was a big scandal. I lived through it and I am happy and proud of myself. If you want to discuss details feel free to PM me. I don't want to say much more in the public section of the forum.

 

[amianonymousenough]

Thank you for advice! Yes it’s been over 3 years since I’ve been on and I was only on for about 2 weeks really so I highly doubt I’ll be outed and plus there is absolutely nothing under my username when I put it in on google or any keywords along with it.

Everything Audri said.

There will always be a non-zero chance you will be found out, but not being able to find anything yourself after that much searching is certainly a good sign.

If you ever are confronted about your camming history I would simply tell people what you’ve told us in your first paragraph, ”I was in a sexually abusive situation and needed money to get out. That is how I did it.”. Doing what you need to do to survive is never anything to be ashamed of.

 

[amianonymousenough]

How can I PM you on here? Sorry I’m new to this site lol

I lived through the very same thing you fear only in the opposite direction. I was a famous blogger first and camgirl second. I got found out within 1 month of camming because of it and it was a big scandal. I lived through it and I am happy and proud of myself. If you want to discuss details feel free to PM me. I don't want to say much more in the public section of the forum.

 

[AudriTwo]

How can I PM you on here? Sorry I’m new to this site lol

https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/conversations/add?to=Mila_