Ex cam girl in a relationship

[Momo]

Long story short I am an ex cam girl I stopped camming last October I had only been doing it for a few months. I was and am in a relationship with my amazing boyfriend whom I've been with for about 3 years now. Last June I brought up that we should try camming together I knew by our conversations he wasn't comfortable doing it on his part so I brought up that maybe I should try and do it solo then, he supported my idea but told me I didn't have to do anything I wasn't comfortable with..he didn't want me to feel like i had to. we were sooo broke at the time so I was mostly curious to see how much I could make, the glamour of making so much and still living a life not slaving away at a normal job got me I was just so sick of being broke all the time (I've literally been so broke my whole life) and I wanted to help out because my self employment wasn't making the amount I needed, so I signed up for mfc and was very open about everything I told him when I was going on and when I got off, he even made two videos with me, I would let him know what happened during shows (as much as someone would want to know), I opened a p.o box and he saw all the stuff I got, I usually worked while he was at work so it never cut into our time together. I can't say that I really enjoyed it, going into it I was curious but I was more or less about the money I've never been too sexual but the money ended up being great I made $700 my first two nights! the whole time I cammed I didn't think much of it at all it was just my job I was stoked on how much I was making and that we now had some money in our pockets but after a few months of quiting it's gotten to me and hit me like a ton of bricks and has made me quite depressed. I can't look in the mirror and not think about it. I'm a very anxious person I'm paranoid that's all my boyfriend sees. he knows that I'm upset with it and myself I tear up at the slightest thought of it. he says it never bothered him that much and that I'm the one he wants to be with and loves. He says my heart was in the right place and that's all that matters but I hate the thought of even hurting him a little. I almost feel like I cheated on him even though it was purely just a job and I didn't really think of it emotionally or physically it was just like acting the whole time I became someone else. But I hate that I shared my body with other people I just wanted to live and not struggle so much. But now I'm just struggling with myself I just really love him and never wanted to hurt him or jeopardize our relationship but I feel like I just fucked up. Anyways I'm just really down right now. Any advice or kind words would be awesome I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, or anyone who can relate at all.

 

[Worship Jaclyn]

I don't know if you're going to find any one who can relate here. Camming isn't for everyone and that's fine but it's hard for me personally to relate to feeling dirty about it which it sounds like you do. I think sharing your body with people is an awesome and beautiful thing! Again it's perfectly fine that you don't feel that way, it's just that this forum is full of current camgirls who don't think that camming is cheating or wrong.

I will say it definitely sounds like you're projecting onto your relationship though. It sounds like you feel very guilty and your boyfriend doesn't care. If he took issue then by now he would have started treating you differently or fighting with you at the very least. So I don't know what you can do to help yourself move past this but try your hardest to trust that if there was an issue in your relationship, he would tell you. Also if he did have an issue you wouldn't be the one to blame here. He said he was okay with and he even helped you make videos. You shouldn't feel like you wronged him by doing something that he encouraged and helped you with. He had outs and didn't take them so I'm sure everything is fine.

Do some soul searching. Try and pinpoint what specifically you are feeling badly about.

When I was new I was poor and I did one custom video that I felt horrible about afterward. I felt dirty because I didn't want to do it but I did. I needed the money. I felt cheap and somehow used by the guy who bought it even though it was my choice and he was a great guy. It's a terrible way to feel. Maybe you did something similar? Maybe camming in general was against your morals but maybe there was something more specific and if you figure out what, you'll be able to heal.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

but after a few months of quiting it's gotten to me and hit me like a ton of bricks and has made me quite depressed. I can't look in the mirror and not think about it. I'm a very anxious person I'm paranoid that's all my boyfriend sees. he knows that I'm upset with it and myself I tear up at the slightest thought of it.

Is seeing a therapist an option for you?
You say you are a very anxious person. Do you have any other examples of this anxious behaviour not related to your time camming?

 

[mynameisbob84]

Maybe I'm missing something but it doesn't seem like you have anything to feel guilty about.

• You needed money so, with your boyfriend's blessing started working a legal, ethical job that just so happens to involve some nudity, and made the money you needed to. Legally.
• You decided camming wasn't for you. Which is fine. So you stopped camming. Which was the smart thing to do.
• Now you're beating yourself up feeling guilty about how your boyfriend must feel about you, even though he's told you it wasn't an issue.

You've done nothing wrong, so have nothing to feel guilty about. I'd second JJTP as far as maybe seeking some professional help. I think everybody here will tell you that you've done nothing wrong (because you haven't) and not to worry about it (because you shouldn't) but it seems like the root of your resentment might exist somewhere outside of what you've told us here. I could be way off though.