I think I sort of had a revelation tonight. Something that's quite comforting.
"Without the down-n-outs, the ups wouldn't feel so sweet. And the only reason we have down-n-outs is because we've had ups at some point or another."
I experienced quite the spectrum of emotions today. I woke up tired from a night of restless sleep but in a positive and fabulous mood. I was productive: I started laundry, I made an awesome breakfast, I caught up on my Internet readings. I gave a wonderful blow-job.
Then my day progressed. I did my first 90 minute yoga routine. It kinda flipped my whole outlook around. Odd, I found it, since everyone says yoga clears your mind and relaxes your body and soul. Well I actually felt more sore and more agitated at things, and even a bit depressed. I tweeted about this and a few replied that it's possible that yoga could effect me this way. But also, those pesky hormones are in play this week, so it really could just be me and my usual emotional lamesauce. I continued to do random Internet readings, had a healthy lunch, and tried to amp myself up for my night on camera. I contemplated taking the night off, but pushed myself to work. I needed to.
I logged on cam with a strange feeling. Giddy/giggly with a slight lack of confidence about my physical appearance, as well as a pit in my stomach with this biting feeling I would fail once again at meeting my goals for the night. (Lots of models know this feeling all too well, and sometimes it's bad enough to keep us from logging on at all, which worsens the problem, obviously.) So I allowed myself a couple of glasses of wine, which lubricated my self confidence and giggly state into a nice comfy spot. People seemed to be enjoying me and I was enjoying their company.
Then once again, an extremely generous friend instantly humbled me yet at the same time, picked me up off the floor (literally and mentally! I think I jumped around profusely) and kicked some life back into me. From that point on in the night, nothing could stop me. I had major confidence to speak my mind, shake my ass, and flaunt my assets. It's amazing what that does for me. I can't explain it. (My endless gratitude and thanks to you, Johnny. You're spectacular and I appreciate everything you do.)
So I'm kicking back here, reflecting on the day, trying to get to a restful mind so I can sleep well, and I ponder all these feelings I had today. That's when that quote at the top of this post hit me. I know it's hard to avoid dwelling on negative feelings when things aren't 100% peachy-keen, but if I can remind myself of that quote when I'm really down and out, then I should always be able to hold myself up. I felt the down-n-outs, I felt the mediocre and the just-gettin-by, and I felt the extreme high and joy, all in one day. My life sure is amazing.
"Without the down-n-outs, the ups wouldn't feel so sweet. And the only reason we have down-n-outs is because we've had ups at some point or another."
I experienced quite the spectrum of emotions today. I woke up tired from a night of restless sleep but in a positive and fabulous mood. I was productive: I started laundry, I made an awesome breakfast, I caught up on my Internet readings. I gave a wonderful blow-job.
Then my day progressed. I did my first 90 minute yoga routine. It kinda flipped my whole outlook around. Odd, I found it, since everyone says yoga clears your mind and relaxes your body and soul. Well I actually felt more sore and more agitated at things, and even a bit depressed. I tweeted about this and a few replied that it's possible that yoga could effect me this way. But also, those pesky hormones are in play this week, so it really could just be me and my usual emotional lamesauce. I continued to do random Internet readings, had a healthy lunch, and tried to amp myself up for my night on camera. I contemplated taking the night off, but pushed myself to work. I needed to.
I logged on cam with a strange feeling. Giddy/giggly with a slight lack of confidence about my physical appearance, as well as a pit in my stomach with this biting feeling I would fail once again at meeting my goals for the night. (Lots of models know this feeling all too well, and sometimes it's bad enough to keep us from logging on at all, which worsens the problem, obviously.) So I allowed myself a couple of glasses of wine, which lubricated my self confidence and giggly state into a nice comfy spot. People seemed to be enjoying me and I was enjoying their company.
Then once again, an extremely generous friend instantly humbled me yet at the same time, picked me up off the floor (literally and mentally! I think I jumped around profusely) and kicked some life back into me. From that point on in the night, nothing could stop me. I had major confidence to speak my mind, shake my ass, and flaunt my assets. It's amazing what that does for me. I can't explain it. (My endless gratitude and thanks to you, Johnny. You're spectacular and I appreciate everything you do.)
So I'm kicking back here, reflecting on the day, trying to get to a restful mind so I can sleep well, and I ponder all these feelings I had today. That's when that quote at the top of this post hit me. I know it's hard to avoid dwelling on negative feelings when things aren't 100% peachy-keen, but if I can remind myself of that quote when I'm really down and out, then I should always be able to hold myself up. I felt the down-n-outs, I felt the mediocre and the just-gettin-by, and I felt the extreme high and joy, all in one day. My life sure is amazing.
