Recipes

[Rosemary]

Share ALL the recipes!
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Last night I made something magical. It tastes like pizza toppings and umicormz, both of which are delishus.

3 links of lean turkey sausage
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tsp whole fennel seed
1/4 cup of roasted red peppers
4 large mushroom caps (or a package of small ones)
black pepper
1 tbsp of garlic
1/4 cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs

Preheat your oven to 400 F damnit.

Cook turkey sausage in skillet. Add whole fennel to that sausage fest. While cooking the turkey, break it up. It is easiest if you brown them whole first on all sides with high heat and then hack at it *carefully* with a spatula before lowering the heat to about 6/7 (med) to cook. Cooking on too high a heat will shrivel your sausage prematurely.

When the turkey is about 80% cooked, add the bell peppers to retain moisture and flavor. Hack at those if you like smaller bites. Add garlic, pepper, italian seasoned breadcrumbs. Stir it all up together until there are no longer any dry bread crumbs.
Add 1/2 of your tbsp of oil and mix into the sexy coagulation of delishus.

NOW! Grab your mushrooms, wrinse, and set them on a cookie sheet with tin foil or in a shallow casserole dish (I do mine on a cookie sheet). Spray cooking spray, then add the rest of your olive oil and swirl your caps in it. Add just a little bit of water to the sheet itself and swirl your mushrooms around in that, too. Do not worry if your mushrooms sit in a little puddle. Now put your sausage load on them. Fill them to the brim.

Next, you want to stick those amazing little bastards into the oven for about 20 minutes. If you find you've added too much water, don't worry! When you take your mushrooms out of the oven you can either let them be in amazing mushroom broth or you can set them on a paper towel to soak for a moment. Either way, your face is going to be full of magic.

I'm trying to develop a dipping soss ('sauce') for these. You can go all Marinara on them if you want, but I want something that isn't going to be so overpowering since the sausage and fennel flavor is what I wanted in this dish.

Each large cap filled with this shit is about 250 calories. I may use 2 links next time to lower calorie count. I also may use less oil (I had used 2 tbsp in the original, so I said 1 tbsp here). They're extremely filling and I found all of these ingredients at WalMart. We call this dish 'pizza toppings'. I wanted to add some zucchini but Mansicle said no.

 

[bawksy]

That was extremely entertaining to read :study:

 

[Sevrin]

That's my kind of sausage fest. :thumbleft:

 

[AerynShade]

Rosemary, I kinda fucking love you. This sounds delicious!! All recipes should be written like this.

 

[RedHerby1]

wow, I learned for cook at secondary school (and worked as one from age 16 to 22), ohhh, if the recipes where like this on school ....

 

[Rose]

One of my favorites: Anything/garbage roast

Take whatever meat you have on hand; beef, chicken, angus, roadkill, dead husband, whatever and make sure it's thawed and ready to be cooked.
Carrots
Potatoes
Onions
Mushrooms
Celery
Dog food, whatever

Preheat the oven to the recommended cooking temp for your meat, usually somewhere around 300 F
Chop up all your veggies into your desired size while you're getting the oven hot and bothered
Toss all that shit into a baking dish
Season with whatever you have on hand; pepper, salt, marinade, salad dressing, cum, basically whatever flavor you like
Cover with aluminum foil and poke a couple really small holes, or just cover loosely
Stick that shit in the oven, leave it for an hour or two or until the recommended temperature for your meat is acheived.
Check to see if it's cooked all the way through, taste test, then serve.
If it tastes like crap you did it wrong. If everything is soft, steamy and melts in your mouth then congratulations you did it right. Enjoy your meal, it makes great leftovers and can be tossed into a pot with a base for soup later on too.

 

[Rosemary]

Toss all that shit into a baking dish

My favorite line! :lol:

Also, 'if it tastes like shit, you did it wrong'. LMFAO.

 

[Rose]

Toss all that shit into a baking dish

My favorite line! :lol:

Also, 'if it tastes like shit, you did it wrong'. LMFAO.

That's how I know when I picked the wrong marinade. This last time I chose a lemon pepper one and mixed it with something else and it turned out way too lemony. I just added some water when I went to store the leftovers and it's fine now. It's an easy meal and I can usually make it for under $6 and then have enough leftovers to feed BJ, myself, the dog, my dad and then send some to my mom to feed her and my siblings.

 

[Peccato]

Watermelon Lemonade
===================

Ingredients:
. 1 Small seedless watermelon (cubed)
. 4 Lemons (juiced) (DO NOT use the squeeze bottle stuff, use fresh lemons)
. 1 1/2 Cups Sugar
. 3 (or more) Cups cold water (add to taste)

Steps:
1.) Peel and cube small seedless watermelon and put into blender, mix until liquid, strain through sive to remove pulp (or leave it if you desire (better without it honestly))
2.) Juice 4 (or more) fresh lemons, make sure there are no seeds in juice.
3.) Mix lemon juice with watermelon juice and add a few cups of cold water (amount is up to you)
4.) Add sugar (to taste) and mix, pour and enjoy.

(Small note: It's great with vodka! :thumbleft: )

 

[Peccato]

Frozen coconut limeade
=====================

Ingredients:
. 1 can of Coco Lopez (coconut creme, substitute with other brand if you cant find it. Must be sweet creme)
. 1 can of Minutemaid Limeade frozen concentrate (or other brand)
. Ice Cubes
. Malibu coconut rum

Steps:
1.) Mix 1/2 can of limeade concentrate, 6 (or more) ice cubes, 3/4 can coconut creme, and a shot of coconut rum into a blender.
2.) blend... pour... enjoy :thumbleft:

(You may desire more coconut creme or rum to the mix, its very interchangable. Also, I usually add a few tablespoons of sugar.)

 

[schlmoe]

Watermelon Lemonade
===================

This looks good, I'm going to give it a go. Thanks!

 

[schlmoe]

This is one of my summer favorites, and it gives me a chance to use up all the summer squash and tomatoes I have been picking.

Squash Saute

2 good sized yellow or zucchini squash (great with one of each)
1 good sized tomato or 3 roma tomatos
1/2 onion or a whole if you like more


1. Thinly slice the squash and onions into rounds or half moon shapes, slice or dice tomatoes.
2. Place a skillet on med-high heat with some olive oil (or your choice of lube)
3. When hot, add the onion and tomato. Sprinkle some salt on the tomatoes, this will help them break down.
4. Stir veg occasionally, and when the onions turn translucent, add the squash.
5. Lower heat to med, add seasonings of your choice. Besides salt and pepper, I like oregano, garlic powder and basil here.

Up to your taste when it's ready. Cook till the squash is cooked all the way through, or pull of the heat when it just starts to turn translucent...both are good.

This is a great simple dish and you can change it to your taste. If you don't like tomato, leave them out! More Italian-like, add a spoon of tomato paste and a sprinkle of red pepper flakes. Greek-like, omit the basil. Mexican, add some cumin, and so on. You can also dump all this into a slow cooker, then serve over pasta.

Enjoy!

 

[Rose]

Oooh schlmoe that sounds like ratatoille and I LOVE that stuff. I'll have to try that sometime. I wonder how well it would go with my pasta dish...hmmm. I'm quite hungry now lol.

 

[Rosemary]

Rubbed Sage Porkchops Whorechops and Apples

This is so easy it'll make shitting polar bears a reality.

Ingredients:

Salt
2 boneless pork chops
2 teaspoons sage
Freshly ground pepper
2 tbls olive oil
1 Granny Smith apple, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1/4 cup apple cider

Directions:

Get your meat out bb. Rub as much or as little sage as you want. Rub it all the fuck over, those nasty little whorechops love it. Salt and pepper to taste.

Heat a large cast iron skillet and then add 1/2 tbsp of olive oil. Sear until they're golden brown. Keep your eye on them, they like to be watched. About 4-5 minutes of missionary, flip them over, lube it up with the other 1/2 tbsp of olive oil, and then give it another 5 minutes to finish off. Transfer to a plate.

Wipe out your pan. You're not done yet. You see that apple, open and glistening for some hot action? Add some more lube, some drippy, apple cider, and give that apple what it wants. You want to tan the apples on either side to your preferred tenderness on about medium-high heat.

Now comes the snuggling. Put the apples on top of the whorechops (fuck that is hot) and lay into it with your oral skills. I combined this meal with some healthy, creamy garlic mashed potatoes. I love a good, creamy finish to my whorechops.

This made me have multiple mouthgasms

Serves 2 and I believe each serving (with taters) is well under 300 calories. Use as little oil as possible and trim off the fat for best outcome calorie wise. It's also inexpensive. I think for the whole meal I spent maybe 10$?

 

[Traditio]

Thanks Rosemary - greatly written - and now i am hungry!

 

[Rosemary]

The Best Baked Chicken for Oral Pleasure

This recipe pleasures me in ways I cannot describe. It's so simple, yet packs a donkey punch of flavor and delight that is unforgettable! It's focused more on technique than what actually goes on it. Note the ingredient list is a 2-incher. It's not the size of the list, it's how you use it.

Ingredients:
- Chicken (your choice! Tits or legs/Thighs?)
- Your favorite spice mix

Directions

Would you stick your dick in an iceberg? If 'no', then defrost your chicken. Warming up frozen chicken in the oven takes 50% longer. Defrosting also means you can brine them if you're into that. You don't need to brine Kosher chicken as it is already brined!

Preheat oven to 420 F (it's an awesome number, just roll with it). Ovens may vary, so have a meat thermometer handy for hot, fleshy probing! Remember, unless you want to earn your wings (or salmonella), chicken thighs should be cooked to an internal temp of 175 F, titties to 165 F.

Get some paper towels handy, we're about to make a sloppy mess...

Grab a baking dish of any size. There is no need to lube it up, these chicks like it with a little extra friction at first. Don't worry, they'll get nice and juicy once you give 'em some lovin' in the oven.

First, wrinse those chickens under cool water. Some chefs say that this helps restrict vessels that slowly expand in the oven with a slow-release juice effect. I don't know how to make this one sexual because it doesn't sound very appeasing. My legs crossed during this step. No thanks to cold water, ever.

Set your chickens in the pan and pat them dry with paper towels. When I say dry, I mean really smoosh that towel on there and get up as much water off that beautiful, moist skin as possible! These chickens are fuckin' freaks. They like to be doused in cold water, patted very dry, and then warmed from baseline. Sluts.

The ONLY thing that should go on the skin is your salty mix. I have Mrs. Dash garlic spice mix. It's got just the right amount of salt in there for me and a delicious, garlicy taste I could go down on for hours (oh, Mrs. Dash, you tasty twat you). If you can lift the skin, try rubbing some on the underside like you're trying to find that g-spot to really coat it in flavor. You don't need to sprinkle any on the actual chicken. I love it when I have a salty mix to clean off my sexy chicken.

Bake those bad bitches (4 thighs = 45 min in my oven, and two was about 30 min) until done!

Reader's digest version:

• Preheat oven to 420

• Pat down chickens with paper towel until dry

• Sprinkle favorite spice on the skin only, the underside too if you can

• Bake for ~ 45 min/3 thighs

• Oven times may vary, so use your meat thermometer to check for appropriate temp (165 for tit, 175 for thigh)

 

[Keithy]

To quote my best recipe on the forum:

Let me break this down for your primitive brains. Those are El Matador chips. Yeah. Locally made for me. Grand Rapids, Michigan.

On top of that what do we have? Cheese. You fucking idiot, that orange melty shit is cheese. What the hell else would it be? IS THIS A GAME TO YOU!

That's about as far as you can handle because on top of that I dumped chicken, but not normal chicken.

This is chicken breast (because breast is the only way to handle this) that I cubed, breaded, covered in sauce and deep fried.

Yeah.

Deep fried.

You probably have never done that because "awe it's too hard" yeah, too hard for pussies. Which by the way is what your mom said about my dick last night. That limp? Yeah, that was me.

Is that the end? Hell no. Do you think I do this for "fun"? Fuck that. I do this for AWESOME. So I poured on a mixture of MORE CHEESE, rice, BEEF, and seasonings (like chili, cinnamon, tar, ashes, vagina, old spice and tires).

But what could go with this? Sour cream? No, sour cream is for faggots. Salsa? Fuck no, salsa is a dance. Also for faggots. Hot sauce. Yes, hot sauce. The hot shit. That's what goes with this.

But how would one eat this I hear you ask. The answer is FUCK YOU! That's how. Are you a moron? Are you going to eat this with a fork? HELL NO. I bet you want to pick up a chip and take a bite. THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER NEVER LOVED YOU. Grab a handful and shove it in your mouth. TASTE TEH FIRE! TASTE IT. That's the same taste your dad had while he was licking my asshole while your grandma rode my dick. Yeah.

viewtopic.php?f=12&t=803&p=47345&hilit=hot+sauce#p47345

the best recipe from the intertubes:


Also most of my written recipes predate WWII as I have a collection of antique cook books. Maybe I'll post some later.

 

[Longhorn9in]

THE BEST ELEPHANT STEW EVER​

1 Medium sized Elephant
200 Cups of Water
700 Tsp Salt
Pepper, to taste
650 (10 oz.) cans brown gravy
2 Rabbits (optional)

Remove tusks; wash well; cut into chunks or bite size pieces - takes about 2 weeks.

Place meat in large kettles; season with salt and pepper. Cover with water and gravy. Cook over a fire at 455 degrees for about 4 weeks, or until tender.

This amount should serve 3,800 people; however, if more guests are expected, you may add 2 rabbits the last hour of cooking, but do so only if necessary because most people do not like to find hare in their stew.

 

[GingerAnn]

i love elephants.

 

[Longhorn9in]

i love elephants.

I do too! They taste like chicken!

 

[LadyLuna]

1 cup of rice
1 tbls of the buttery tasting goodness of your choice (I use real butter)
2 cups of water (want that rice to get nice and wet)
1 lb of that frozen hamburger shit you get from walmart, thawed
1 medium to large whitish onion
worchestershire sauce
soya sauce
A1 sauce


First you gotta get the rice started. In a small pot that just barely holds the whole chebang, dump the rice, water, and butter. Heat on high until it boils over, then SLOWLY lower the temperature to just above low, making sure the shit stays hot and bubbly. Cover the slut with a lid, and set the timer to 10 mintues.

While the rice simmers, have some fun with that onion. Peel off the top layer and cut it into chunks, whatever your favorite way is for stir-fry. Then take that lovely hunk of meat and cook it up, as though you're gonna make that nasty-ass hamburger helper. But make it beg a little. When it's half done, strain the grease and add the onions. Stir that shit up till the onions are thoroughly cooked.

When the timer on the rice dings, turn the burner off, but don't touch it. Let it sit there and pout for a good 15 minutes. Ignore the bitch and turn back to your meat and onions. Add worchestershire sauce. when you think you have enough, stir it up then add some more. Follow with soya sauce, and lastly the A1. Get it coated thickly with all the yummy juices, and stir it till the second rice timer is done.

Dump the rice into a bowl, and slather the meat mixture on top of it. Add any other veggies you want, and enjoy.

(This would be what I had for dinner yesterday, and it was hella good. Fed me and my roommate, with enough leftovers that I only ate half of them for lunch today. I added canned carrots to it, and mmm was it still good)

 

[AshaSnow]

I made this yesterday: http://dinnersdishesanddesserts.com/?p=826

Delicious delicious chewy cookies.

 

[mynameisbob84]

LOW FAT CURRY, YEAH?

Shit you need:
100g prawns
1/2 tbsp curry paste
1 garlic clove
1/2 onion
1/2 tsp ginger
40ml fish stock
100g chopped tomato
1tbsp vegetable oil

Shit you do:
Warm the oil in a pan, chuck in the thinly sliced onion and chopped garlic and ginger. Cook that shit for 6 minutes or so, until it's soft and stuff.
Add the curry paste and stir.
Add the chopped tomato and fish stock, bring to boil, then simmer for about 10 minutes.
Add the prawns, fry the shit out of them until they're cooked (about 6 minutes).
Serve with naan bread or plain rice. Also, beer.

 

[GingerAnn]

Pics or it didn't happen.

 

[Longhorn9in]

Best Ever Rum Cake​

1 tsp sugar
1 cup of dried fruit
1 tsp of baking soda
2 eggs, large
Lemon juice
1 or 2 quarts of Rum
Brown sugar
1 cup of butter
Baking powder
Nuts

Before starting, sample the rum to check the quality. Good, isn’t it? Now proceed.
Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.

Check rum again, it must be just right.
To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one seaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is alright. Try another cup.
Open second quart if necessary.

Add leggs, 2 cups fried druit and cheat til high.
If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with a drewscriber.

Sample rum again, checking for tonscistitcity.

Nest, sift 3 cups of pepper or salt, (really doesn’t matter.)

Sample rum.

Sift ½ pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.
Add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find.
Wix mell.
Grease oven, turn the cake pan 360 degrees, pour mess in boven and ake.

Check rum again and bo to ged.

 

[Human]

Simple Jewish Pot Roast

- sweet onions (3 lbs or to taste)
- beef brisket (as much as you can fit in the pot)
- sweet paprika (can use hot paprika if you're a Magyar)
- a cup of water
- salt, if desired

Dice up a few pounds of sweet onions. I use three pounds. They can be bag onions, you don't have to pay for Vidalia.

Take a large brisket and sear it on all sides in a frying pan. You may want to put a bit of oil on the bottom to make it easier. My mother uses salt.

Put the onions in the bottom of a dutch oven, with the brisket on top of it. Add just enough water as to cover the onions on the bottom. This may be less than a full cup. Salt, if desired. Completely cover the seared brisket with paprika -- yummmm.

Cover and simmer gently on a low flame for an 60-90 minutes. Check every 15 minutes to see that the water hasn't boiled out. Add more if necessary.

Remove brisket, slice it across the grain, trying for 1/2" slices, or whatever. Put the slices back in the pot and stew the meat for another 60'-90', or until falling apart.

Can be served over rice, egg noodles, or alongside kasha or mashed potatoes. The best part is the juice.

Remember, mama loves you. Happy Merry.

 

[Mork]

damnit.. now I'm hungry... I make one very similar to the OP.. I use the huge Portobello shrooms and cover the stuffed shroom with mozzarella cheese for the last 10 minutes to melt and give it a nice lt brown toasty color. Sometimes for sauce, I will make some mayo/horseradish or use some ranch dressing made from scratch so its nice and thick.

 

[Keithy]

Cook brains the day you purchase them.
Cover with cold water, add 2 tablespoons vinegar. Soak 30 minutes.
Drain. Remove loose membranes. Cook slowly in salted water for 20 to 30 minutes.
Drain and chill in cold water.
Drain. Season, dip into beaten egg, then into cracker crumbs. Fry in hot fat.
OR cut into small pieces and add to white sauce with peas and mushrooms.
Or chop fine, fry in butter, add beaten eggs and scramble.

 

[SoTxBob]

Cook brains the day you purchase them.
Cover with cold water, add 2 tablespoons vinegar. Soak 30 minutes.
Drain. Remove loose membranes. Cook slowly in salted water for 20 to 30 minutes.
Drain and chill in cold water.
Drain. Season, dip into beaten egg, then into cracker crumbs. Fry in hot fat.
OR cut into small pieces and add to white sauce with peas and mushrooms.
Or chop fine, fry in butter, add beaten eggs and scramble.

For the best in Zombie cuisine.... :lol: :lol:

I haven't had any brains in years. Pops was almost ritualistic [perhaps not the best word choice here] in having brains n eggs for his saturday morning repast.

 

[Jessi J]

Dunno how many of you have kids, but I think they would love it. I know I did

Pizza Rolls, made from scratch!
Raw crescent roll dough, string cheese, and pepperoni! It's cooked for the same amount of time on the packaging for the dough.
Some are just cheese (the ones I made), they came out awesome and it only took about 15 minutes to prepare and cook them.