Mid-year check-in.

[AmberCutie]

Greetings, AmberLanders and friends!

I cannot believe 2017 is going by so incredibly fast. As noted in my January blog, the year started off absolutely fantastic! Things have calmed down a little since then, and I sort of feel I never really got back into my full stride after my Utah trip in February. As I'm nearing the end of my 8th year on MFC, I've started to notice a bit of waning energy and excitement about and during my cam sessions.

I guess it is to be expected to fall into a little bit of a rut after so long, but I'm going to do my best to pull out of it ASAP. After all, we have a big month coming up and I want it to feel full of wonder and happy! March ended up being a little un-enthusiastic toward the end which led me astray from my top 75 goal. I really want to avoid that in AwesomeAugust, so I'm trying my best to spread out events through the whole month and not crash and burn early in the month.

I'll post my full AwesomeAugust plan blog closer to the kickoff, so keep an eye out for that!

As for some personal notes...

We have talked about this a couple times in my cam room so it isn't a shocking subject to some of you, but part of the reason I've lost some mojo this year is due to not feeling as youthful and slender as I used to. Yeah, aging is a bitch and most people don't like the effects of it, but I also have been not making the best eating and drinking choices for months now. It's a vicious circle that I'm sure a lot of you can commiserate with. You indulge in delicious things a bit much, then see the result of that, then feel bad, and then you eat and drink a little more to deal with the feelings. It's a doozy!

All my life I've been self conscious about my body and weight, but early in my cam career I really came to love my curves and shape. I have recently gotten to the point that I'm not loving the way I look, so that's having an impact on my emotional state. I feel ever so fortunate that most of my cam friends still enjoy the sight of me, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

I mean, yes my boobs ARE way huger than they used to be. I'm fortunate that weight seems to head to my boobs and booty first and that I keep an overall hourglass curvy shape!

But I still feel the paranoia of possible comments being made behind my back about how "wow she's really let herself go" or "ew she's gotten chubby". So ultimately I wanted to write this and get it out there that yes, I know I am not in as good of shape as I used to be. I am now about 15-20 pounds heavier than when I started camming in 2009. And I would like to work on that but it's going to take a sort of tough lifestyle change and will be slow progress so bear with me. Delicious snacks and (probably too much) alcohol have been my go-to in dealing with anxieties and stresses of my cam work and life in general for a while now. I've got to ween down a bit and find some other habits and activities to mix in there.

Whew, I feel a little better just having that all typed out! And I know, love yourself the way you are, yadda yadda... but for me that's a slippery slope that will only lead me to a much worse place than I am now. So here's the acknowledgement that I need to keep an eye on this and start making some small changes! I can't blame everything on simply getting older.

I doubt most people have read down this far if they even opened this page at all so those of you who have, thank you! I welcome anyone to leave comments, questions or concerns in the replies. And again, thank you to all of those who continue to encourage and support me in every way. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you all.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

But I still feel the paranoia of possible comments being made behind my back about how "wow she's really let herself go" or "ew she's gotten chubby". So ultimately I wanted to write this and get it out there that yes, I know I am not in as good of shape as I used to be. I am now about 15-20 pounds heavier than when I started camming in 2009.

I feel like I am feeling exactly this same way right now. I would give you extra hugs and girly support if this were in person. Like you, my weight has a tendency to fluctuate, primarily due to not always eating the healthiest. I'm pretty healthy, but I have the sort of body that gains weight quickly if I eat poorly for a short period of time. I started camming when I was heavier and actually left camming around the time that my weight had dropped back down, so me being insecure about this is pretty crazy. But I had years of being at my healthy weight, and while I still held a lot of the same insecurities, I felt a lot better about myself. Recently I gained the weight back around about the time I came back to cam and I feel so insecure about it. It may sound silly as I never noticed a difference in my earnings or even room numbers the times I came on cam 14-20lbs lighter, but I feel like everyone must be noticing the weight gain and seeing me as being less attractive because of it. It is not other people though, it is all me and how I feel about myself right now, not just how I look, but also my frustration that I allowed this to happen and haven't been good at dropping the extra weight. I feel like others will pass on the same harshness I give to myself.
It's this crazy thing with women, I checked you out very recently and was comparing how amazing your body is in comparison to mine. This happens a lot with girls, and then I find out that they are feeling exactly the same insecurities and paranoia that I feel. I want to tell you how beautiful you are, but then I also feel that if it were me I would hear it but I'd be thinking in my head "they're just saying that". I am not saying this as a pity compliment though, you are still just as gorgeous as you were in 2010 when I first watched you on cam. I've only ever noticed your weight having fluctuated when you've put two pictures side by side. Like you said, you gain it proportionally so it's not noticeable on screen, so I doubt anyone is actually looking at you and thinking what you're thinking.

In the world of camming when you're needing to feel 100% confident and sexy, but you're also next to hundreds/thousands of beautiful and usually very slim women, it can be so hard to keep up your mojo and not feel extra guilty for those amazingly tasty food and drink choices you made. Sometimes I go through the thought in my head, that so long as I'm not too unhealthy, whether it's worth being a little chubby just to eat and drink what I want without giving a fuck. In real life before going out I'm constantly fussing about how fat I look, not wanting to even go out. And then I go out and most of the girls around me are considerably less in shape and I realise I'm being an idiot. I know this is because I'm seeing crazy hot chicks on twitter and MFC so my whole perception is completely warped.
I hope you manage to find your mojo again soon, whether it's through getting healthier and losing some weight or just finding a new love for the changes in your body. You're a sexy girl and always will be!

 

[AmberCutie]

It is not other people though, it is all me and how I feel about myself right now, not just how I look, but also my frustration that I allowed this to happen

I think that's one of the things that's really killing me is that when I had my hip surgery in early 2016 I lost so much weight due to taking 60 days off of alcohol and eating very little during recovery. I weight less than I had in years. Over the course of last year, trying to figure out my new levels of activity and my limits with my healing hip, I gained it all back very swiftly. I want to blame it on my injury and healing time but man if I had JUST had a little more restraint once I began to drink and eat normal again I could have kept some of it off at least. DOH at myself!

And thank you very very much for the sweet words. I do really appreciate and take it to heart.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

I think that's one of the things that's really killing me is that when I had my hip surgery in early 2016 I lost so much weight due to taking 60 days off of alcohol and eating very little during recovery. I weight less than I had in years. Over the course of last year, trying to figure out my new levels of activity and my limits with my healing hip, I gained it all back very swiftly. I want to blame it on my injury and healing time but man if I had JUST had a little more restraint once I began to drink and eat normal again I could have kept some of it off at least. DOH at myself!

And thank you very very much for the sweet words. I do really appreciate and take it to heart.

I'm the same, I try to blame me gaining weight on getting Chronic fatigue and having hormonal problems as it's since then that I've really struggled, it definitely doesn't help... But the real culprit is me indulging on tasty food too much and not showing restraint. As to be honest I've had some of these issues for years but managed to control myself and keep the weight down. But it's harder when you're having physical issues, I guess because you can't get as much thrills from exercise so food is a joy in life. For me as well I have less occasions to make myself feel beautiful so focusing on my looks has less value... Until I think about getting on cam...
It's so annoying, I don't know about you, but I can put it on fast and then stop myself from over eating, move to a healthy diet. But healthy isn't enough for me to lose weight, I have to practically starve myself obsessively to drop it. Then I can go back to eating healthily and it'll sit at that level. But I need to go through those 2 months or more of starvation to get back to my "healthy" weight.
I know this is so much more easily said than done, but don't beat yourself up too much about it. Most of us have been here at some point, you haven't done anything wrong for you. It is ok to indulge a bit every now and then in life and you are self aware enough to recognise it before it takes control of your life.

 

[curvyredhead]

#relatable

I typed out a bunch more...but it really just boiled down to, that most of us can find something in this post we can relate to.

 

[SophiaSophia]

I can totally relate- I was a small curvy thing until I was thirty and had my third child
and as a kid I was downright scrawny-
I put on 50 lbs after her- and never really lost it but I did change my body comp dramatically for a few years with weight lifting and got super crazy with it after hiring a pro coach

then enter an injury and health probs- i weigh more than i ever have in my life and am so depressed - its a cycle. I cry when I see pics and clips of myself.

 

[AmberCutie]

I can totally relate- I was a small curvy thing until I was thirty and had my third child
and as a kid I was downright scrawny-
I put on 50 lbs after her- and never really lost it but I did change my body comp dramatically for a few years with weight lifting and got super crazy with it after hiring a pro coach

then enter an injury and health probs- i weigh more than i ever have in my life and am so depressed - its a cycle. I cry when I see pics and clips of myself.

This is another struggle I'm having. I was REALLY enjoying heavy squats, deadlifts, etc before my hip went kapuut. I try to do weights a couple times a week (but have been lazy lately, bad Ambah) but am not at the ability level I used to be before surgery. I stick to machines and not heavy weights so I almost feel the weight sessions are less effective than if I just went hard cardio for 40 minutes to burn fat instead. My hips do restrict my progress as some gym sessions are cut short after I trigger my joint pain.

 

[b-man]

Amber, as a non-cam dwelling, almost 50yr old male, I know that I can't come close to relating to some of the struggles you are going thru. But my advice is to not stress too much about weight and token/cam score issues.

Bodies change over time. That is a fact of life that only expensive plastic surgery can come close to fixing. Eating right and exercise certainly helps, but at the end of the day, the body will do what it wants to do. My grandfather, father, and myself were all nice and skinny until right around age 30, then each of us went thru "the change"... I put on about 30lbs in 6 months with no change to my diet, daily routine, or activity level. My DNA just decided to follow the family tradition and started to pack it on vice burning it up. But understand that how you look is only one part of "you", and we Amberlanders hang around because we enjoy hanging out with "you". Lets face it, there are lots of very pretty, very skinny girls on MFC and other cam-sites, but I personally like hanging out in your room because I like all of "you". You face, body, energy, personality, intelligence, humor, etc. is what I like. I've checked out a few other rooms, and while the girls are thin and pretty, they don't know how to connect with the people visiting the room. You do, and that will continue to go a long way, for a long time to come.

As for slow months, all I can do is speak for myself. I love hanging out in Amberland, but visiting and focusing on Amberland does take a nice chunk of time that I really need to use doing other things... It's just me, so after work I have a list of daily tasks that need to happen, so when I do log on, I am usually trying to multi-task and don't participate as much as I'd like with the goings on in Amberland. I tip when I can, but we Regulars are relativity few and MFC offers freeloaders the best deal on he internet... That is just another fact of life; there is a crap-ton of competition for tokens out there and unfortunately that won't change anytime soon. You have your daily, weekly, and monthly goals, but unless you are on cam all day long, doing wild and crazy "new" things, all the time, it is virtually impossible to consistently meet those goals unless you have some rich Saudi prince who is a super-fan... So please don't stress about goals too much. You are greatly appreciated by all of us even if we don't tip all the time.

Well, I hope this made some kind of sense, coming from some guy who enjoys all that you do to make me smile at the end of a long day... Hang in there sweetie, we all love you...

 

[AmberCutie]

Well, I hope this made some kind of sense, coming from some guy who enjoys all that you do to make me smile at the end of a long day... Hang in there sweetie, we all love you...

Was very nice to hear. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply .

 

[SophiaSophia]

This is another struggle I'm having. I was REALLY enjoying heavy squats, deadlifts, etc before my hip went kapuut. I try to do weights a couple times a week (but have been lazy lately, bad Ambah) but am not at the ability level I used to be before surgery. I stick to machines and not heavy weights so I almost feel the weight sessions are less effective than if I just went hard cardio for 40 minutes to burn fat instead. My hips do restrict my progress as some gym sessions are cut short after I trigger my joint pain.

Something I try to keep in mind is-I look at women much bigger than I am..and less evenly proportioned than I am (I gain and lose everywhere at once/super evenly) and always think THEY look hot or cute AF. I look at you and think-wow..I love the shape of her hips/waist..the easy curve into it. I do know what you mean tho, you have an image of yourself in your head and when the mirror doesnt jive its strange. You look amazing..I can recommend a genius of a coach that works with both severe illness and injuries if you'd like..hes pricey and virtual but world renowned.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

This is another struggle I'm having. I was REALLY enjoying heavy squats, deadlifts, etc before my hip went kapuut. I try to do weights a couple times a week (but have been lazy lately, bad Ambah) but am not at the ability level I used to be before surgery. I stick to machines and not heavy weights so I almost feel the weight sessions are less effective than if I just went hard cardio for 40 minutes to burn fat instead. My hips do restrict my progress as some gym sessions are cut short after I trigger my joint pain.

I can definitely feel for you on this one. I'm a former strength competitor whom was forced into retirement due to torn rotator cuffs, and developing cardiac issues. Friends of mine asked me to coach them on lifts and events. But, severe depression settled in, as any load strain on my body caused immediate chest pains whch damn near put me on the ground more than a few times.

While lifting caused significant chest pain, I found cardio didnt so long as I stayed below the threshold. So, I'd start doing long, low impact cardio sessions and eventually went into doing sprint triathlons. New love of training for a while..

It sucks to go through all of this, and I can definitely understand the "less effective" description. But, it's all a necessary part of healing and recovery. Take your time, and things will most likely come around again on the physical side. If not, there's another hobby you've yet to discover which may become a new passion for you.


I've only been in your room a couple of times. But, like b-man said, chat rooms are far more than just the young, skinny models getting the guys to wank over her. Personality, beauty (inside is more important than outer, IMO), interaction and many other things help keep people coming.

Like b-man mentioned, people come and go and lives change which prevent some from logging on again. My life has gotten extremely hectic since I frst joined mfc 1.5 years ago. Sadly, I rarely chat with those models I used to visit daily in times before. While this is a source of income, if you enjoy what you do while bringing joy to those whom visity you, the tokens will most likely reflect it.

Best of luck to you, Amber.

 

[schlmoe]

I doubt that this will be what you want to hear, but here goes: My feeling is that folks who want to succeed are perfectionists, to a degree. I sure as hell am not saying all people and certainly not all cam girls. I am that way, not that I am perfect, but I "want" to be perfect in my job. I take a HUGE amount of pride in my work, and I am always trying to get better. Moreover, when I screw up, I over analyze and beat a dead horse into the ground (most times). Now the reason I say you are this way (or just appear this way to me) is that it's obvious that you take certain preparations before you come on cam. Your make up, hair, and outfit are always spot on. It's like you got ready for a date. OK, maybe not dinner in a restaurant, lol, but you know what I mean. And it doesn't end there. The lights, room decor, etc., are all pretty awesome. And let me tell you, not every cam girl goes to that much trouble. Back to the perfectionist thing. I've heard you, either in your room, or on twitter, or on your blog: obsessing on painting your cam room, or trying new lighting, or other things. Now you wouldn't go on and on if it didn't matter to you.

So maybe you gained a pound or two. I get it if your pefection thing goes to appearance, that is a big part of your "job" on MFC. It's also terribly difficult these days. We live in a world where George Costanza is considered FAT, and any female who doesn't have the requisite thigh gap is a BBW. (Maybe not that far, but it's tough out there for you gals). And I've seen comments both in your room, and on ACF. Big boobs and cheeks that aren't sunken in...SHE'S FAT!?!?! Ahh, bullshit.

I'm sad that you feel bad about this. I'm not going to tell you not to worry about it (that's a little condescending/patronizing), but I will say that if you feel you need to do something, I believe you have too much pride not to leave it alone.

But "letting yourself go". Well, that's where I draw the line! I've been around (you) awhile now. Maybe not from the first day, but it's been a number of years. I have hundreds of pictures, digital and other. I have some that that were meant only for me. I also have a ton of videos, including a few that were meant only for me. I also have a personal video made back when you didn't even sell videos. I have seen you online conservatively speaking, *thousands* of times. Both clothed and naked, chatting and teasing, and also the "down & dirty" sexy times.

You might say that somebody in my position would be tired or immune or even "bored". Well there is nothing further from the truth. I am constantly shocked at my reation when I see you, and that I want to see you again and again. Cute, sexy, beautiful, alluring, you are all of these. Sometimes singley, sometimes all at once. The anticipation I feel when the topless or naked countdown still astounds me. I feel like I'm narrating Maddona's "Like a Virgin", lol!

So if that's "letting yourself go", well then, you go girl!

 

[AmberCutie]

I also have a personal video made back when you didn't even sell videos.

Oh man, I almost forgot about that! Though I think I recall the song in the video, and when I hear that song, I have minor flashbacks of it.

Thank you for taking the time to write that up. While I wrote out the blog to sort of clear my conscience about things and not for validation, obviously it does feel really nice to hear these things.

 

[schlmoe]

and not for validation

OK, I take it all back!

I debated whether to add the last part, because I kinda knew that (was not your objective in posting), but I did because sometimes the way we see ourselves (I'm ugly, I'm stupid, etc) does not always match up to how others see us

 

[Prince Larry]

I will not pretend to know what you are going through because I am not in your shoes. However, I read what you wrote carefully, and all the replies thus far. I agree mostly what they said especially about your room (Amberland). I came there several years and stayed because not only because you are beautiful but the whole ambiance to the sessions. You make people feel good about themselves by creating lively and interesting sessions. Change in appearance, weight etc., happens to many of us. I believe you know what an impact you have had on me. I was accepted by you and the regular Amberlanders and made to feel at home. You offer stimulating conversation that is not found in other rooms because some of them are let's face it, airheads. They have no clue what is going on except doing stuff to get all the tokens they can. I know that tokens are the name of the game but sometimes you just sit and chill, play games, bake cookies just to change the flavor of the room and getting tokens become secondary.
I do not usually give advice because I don't like receiving it if not asked. However, may take on this is to do all you can to enjoy what you are doing. I think you will know when it's time to say goodbye. I hope this will not be anytime soon but I know nothing lasts forever. Finally, when you no longer enjoy what you are doing it is time to make a change. Don't fail to see how many friends you have and love you or lust over you. You are aces with most of us no matter what. I know this may not help but I think I understand insecurity but listen you your fans before you make any hard decisions about your future.
If this is dumb or makes no sense, please me forgive as I only want the best for your because you give your best to us.

 

[dilligaf0]

Okay, I'll take a shot at this.
I can understand your feelings completely. In my 30's I was much thinner, working hard and working out in my spare time (including weightlifting). My weight has been an issue all of my life and as I aged the struggle increased. In my 40's my heredity issues kicked in quickly. Within 2 years I found out I was diabetic, had congestive heart failure as well as atrial fibrilation, sleep apnia, and other fun stuff that's too numerous to mention here. I was no longer able to work out and my weight increased. A few years ago it got to the point where I was unable to work anymore and had to go on disability. Then is when my bodyweight exploded. (That's also why nobody will ever see photos of me now, because to be truthful, I'm ashamed of it.) So I understand your feelings now, but you're still young. Keep working out as much as your hip will allow and change your diet if you want to, but the changes are minor now and you look fantastic! Anyone that makes remarks about your weight must like only extremely skinny looking women because you are the very definition of what I grew up as being considered a beautiful woman (Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, etc.).
After this many years it is normal for there to be some degree of job "burn-out" from doing the same thing for that long. I hope the "Cammunity" site can help with giving you some low pressure options when on camera. You can take all the time off you need to to recharge, your loyal "minions" will be here for you. As far as getting older goes, I can't help you there. It's unavoidable. Fuck "getting old gracefully", get old kicking and screaming and fighting it all the way! I still refuse to grow up, and I'm older than I ever thought I would be.

P.S. - As far as exercise goes, there's always aerobics. As you should know, aerobics is activity that makes you breathe hard and sweat. I can think of many fun ways to accomplish that. (I'm sure Jawbs will be happy to help.)

I hope this helps in some way. You're a beautiful, sexy woman and you have a spouse that is there for you as you are for him. Sounds like a pretty good life to have.

 

[eyeteach]

I've said it a million and one times, nobody can be as tough on us as we are on ourselves. So this is going to be short, sweet, and to the point: there ain't a damn thing wrong with any of y'all.

Not.
A.
DAYUM.
Thing!

 

[jolietjake]

I have never seen you online and have seen exactly one picture of you and you looked pretty good to me. But being on this forum for a short time and seeing the love and respect that the others here have for you has impressed the hell out of me. You have really made a difference in quite a few lives as far as I can tell. I think being a camgirl is a tough job and you provide support, advice and encouragement to people who do that tough job. Weight goes up and down and our bodies change as we age. That is a fact of life as others have pointed out. But I believe who we are as human beings and the number of lives we have touched for the better is far more important than our physical appearance. And you certainly can be very proud of that from what I can see. You have truly made, and continue to make, a difference.

 

[Brets]

Well, only thing i can contribute to this is that i think that you are hot af. So yeah.. dont know what to say beyond that.. kinda encapsules all my thoughts.