Hey beautiful! I totally feel you. I understand your guilt about not telling your family. I am also not telling mine. I'm ready to deal with the consequences if they find out, but they won't find out from me. It would hurt them cause they wouldn't know why I do it, they would not understand. For them sex workers are not in their right minds haha.. Theyre old and have their own beliefs. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while dealing with anxiety and we have talked about this. She kind of compared it to people working for secret services. They pretty much need to invent a cover story cause they cant say what they really do. If you had a different job that wasn't sex work and you couldn't talk about would you still feel guilty? Or is there still a little bit of yourself subconsciously thinking sex work is wrong? In my case I will be 100% honest and admit that I still am wired to believe sex work is not right. My conscious mind knows its not wrong, I'm not hurting anyone! Its much deeper than our conscious mind. I love it, I feel good, I love my life, my freedom, but we are working through years and years of conditioning and wiring to make us believe its wrong! Dont be too hard on yourself for not telling. Why would they NEED to know? Youre an adult. Youre not sharing your life with them as you would with a partner...
Years of conditioning, exactly! All humans struggle with shame (check Brene Brown's ted talks, she has also published a lot of great books.
"The gifts of imperfection" has helped me a lot). I have honestly found this to be the hardest part about doing this. I have always been an open book, very honest, and outgoing type of person that easily makes friends. But now I have needed to shift my attitudes around my expectations from friends and any new person that I meet.
I feel like my main group of friends from uni and I are simply growing in different directions, and although they know what I've been up to, I accept that I will likely not want to be as open with them about my life as I have been in the past. If I sometimes experience shame about what I do- and I'm the one with the courage to even do it, no doubt a part of them will be judging me. That being said, I really only know how to be myself- and I dislike being surrounded by people whom are unable or willing to make the space necessary for me to freely express myself. I also understand that if I were to be totally out about it, most people would either lose inerest or be offended by me. The good news is that people who respond this way were likely not going to make valuable friends anyways. What's a friend really if you can't even be real? So now when I meet new people who seem like they have the potential to be an actual friend, I just tell them and see how it goes. I don't know these people and will probably never see them again unless we mutually chose to make a plan to meet up, so there's nothing to loose. Living in a large north american city I have the privilege of doing that. And if I didn't live in a place where people are more open-minded, I would seriously consider it! Completely living a double life is very hard psychologically.
I have connected with some people online and one in real life that make me feel supported recently. My partner is also a good source of support as he really understands me is able to hold that space, same with a good friend of mine. I have developed a much deeper appreciation for these friendships and realized that maybe I don't need to have so many friends, rather invest more these relationships and understand it will take time to find my tribe. Sex work really pushes us to get clear on our boundaries not only with viewers but due to the stigma and shame- people in your life as well.
Plus, people in general attach wayyy too much of their sense of identity to their job. Sex worker or not your job does not define you, and no one needs a career to define them or validate their worthiness as a person. You are you no matter how you choose to show up in the world, and that is enough. Our real jobs are to consciously heal, understand, and love ourselves. If everyone made decisions about their life and related to others with this understanding, the world would be profoundly better. But I digress..
We are all actors and life is a stage. We need to understand who we really are to gain clarity on what character we want to be, and find the courage to be it. As your natural self and as a model. If we cultivate this understanding and courage, we will begin to attract the relationships we desire. It requires patience and the willingness to look within. But the only way out is through.
If anyone is interested in talking about this more, feel free to message me!
