Just wanted to share my story

[pacificaocean]

I wanted to share my story, since Im feeling very lonely lately and I dont have anybody to talk with.

I dont even know if transgirls are accepted in this forum.

Im 22 years old and a half, I dont know what I am, but I call myself a crossdresser.

Chaturbate gave me the chance to have a dream, I always thought that I would never be able to be a trans because of my family situation (my parents are religious homophobes) and my country doesnt allow people to live, just to survive (in other words, the minimum wage is 1.75usd per hour, and half of the country work for that).

My mom found my girl clothes, she made me break them, cut them apart, or she was going to kick me out of home.
I was very emotional unstable while doing shows on Chaturbate, sometimes I just started crying. I knew I had to throw the clothes.
I started getting more and more depressed, I started to cut and break the clothes on cam, and then I started to cut myself. That was in mid february.

My mom caught me once dressed as a girl and she told me I was a failure, a shame to the family, i was ruining my life and hers and my whole familys.

From time to time I cutted myself on cam, I was too mad at myself, to be a transfaggot, to be a shame to my parents.
I was too mad to see other transgirls on cam and see them make more than me, to be more cute, to have better lives.
I made 1000usd on february, I was happy, I knew if I kept working the whole year I was going to be able to move to a better country where I would not get beaten and killed as all the transpeople on my country.

There was people who joined my room to tell me to kill myself, to keep cutting, to end my miserable life, they tipped me and tell me to buy a gun and kill myself on cam, even a transgirls streamers got in my room and told me that she made more money for doing nothing on cam than I made all the night doing a show, that I should jump from a building. Even if I silenced them or banned them they kept getting in my room with new accounts.

I kept going, I dropped most of the classes from college to be able to stream every night.
I made another 1000usd on March, things were going alright but I was too depressed to realize and I kept getting sad and cutting myself from time to time.
I moved from my parents house and started taking antidepressants and going to the psychologist and psychiatrist with the money I was making.

I decided to quit cutting, I threw the boxcutter away, I was feeling more hopefull and happy.
Then I got banned from Chaturbate.
They told me they were worry about my situation and I should seek help.

I sent a lot of emails begging for another chance, but they never answer.

Now I will have to move back to my parents house, quit taking antidepressants and start dressing as a manly man and grow some hair in my fucking body and cut my hair and grow a fucking beard and moustache to make my fucking parents proud.

i feel im the unluckiest son of a bitch, I always try to meet more people living such a rough situation, but I always end up crying seeing how lucky they are.

 

[LailaBaise]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say, or have any advice really, but didn't want you to feel so alone. Hopefully some more helpful people will be along soon. I wish you well.

 

[Deleted member 16664]

Pacific,

You're definitely welcome in this forum no matter what you identify yourself as sexually. They are many great and non-judgmental girls here. I've never seen such a loving and kind forum.

I can't imagine what difficult life experiences you are having right now, but hang in there, because in life sometimes it's very difficult, but eventually (with hard work) it will get better.

I don't know much about which other websites you can join, but I'm sure someone knows something.
(Maybe Streamate does?)

Hugs for you.

 

[Lilith_Winter]

I don't know what it's worth, but I wanted to let you know I'm rooting for you. I really hope Chaturbate gives you another chance, or that you can otherwise find a way out of the awful situation you're in. It's terrible that you've got such bigoted parents. I'm in the LGBT community, too, and I can't even imagine what it'd be like living in a place where everyone hated me for being who I was. You deserve so much better. I'm glad you decided to stop cutting. If you were getting so much abuse from people on Chaturbate, though, maybe it's almost a good thing they've banned you for the time being. I'm trying to look on the bright side, here... I know it sucks, but at least for now you've got a break from internet hate. Use this time to take a deep breath and strengthen your resolve. I'm going to tell you what everyone in this community has told me a million times: when you get back on cam, try your best to appear happy and confident. Cam models who appear sad or unsure of themselves are giant targets for miserable people on the internet who get their joy from hurting strangers. Please stay safe, dear.

 

[mynameisbob84]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Life can be poop sometimes. Here's what I took away from your post. Likely none of it will help you any, but you never know.

- There's nothing wrong with being transgender, a cross-dresser, homosexual, or anything else. However you wish to identify yourself, it's all good. Sadly, a lot of society is incredibly ignorant, and sometimes reacts with hostility and mockery to that which it doesn't understand. I'd love to be able to tell you that being open about your sexuality is the solution to all your problems, but sadly it might cause as many problems for you as it solves, especially if you live in a part of the world that is particularly regressive. For whatever it's worth though, I can tell you that you're a far better person than anyone who would mistreat you based on nothing more than your sexuality, and it takes infinitely more bravery and strength of character to be yourself than it does to tear someone else down for being different to you. Anyone who would do that is a coward.

- You didn't fail your parents. They failed you. That might sound harsh, and I appreciate that different cultures have different socio-sexual values and religious underpinnings, but it's fundamentally true. You've done nothing more than be your parent's child. You're the person they gave birth to, and you're the person they raised, and your sexuality could never change that. If they can't accept that, then they've let you down. If they want you to be someone you're not, then they've let you down. You've done nothing wrong though.

- Chaturbate are notorious for unjustly banning models, but if you've been cutting yourself on cam, I can see why they'd be concerned. Please don't cut yourself. There are other cam sites that accept transgender models - maybe someone here could point you towards those that do - but just be aware that people on the internet can be vile, yo. Internet anonymity can bring out the worst in people and sadly, your story of members coming in to your room to encourage you to cut yourself doesn't surprise me as much as I wish it did. People = shit. There's no way to justify the actions of people like that, but they're an unfortunate reality of cam sites (and just about any other site) and aren't likely to go away any time soon. If you're not mentally prepared to deal with people like that (which given the circumstances, is perfectly understandable), then camming right now might not be the best idea in the world.

- I wish I could give you some real advice and help, but maybe there are others here who are more equipped to help you than I am. Either way, I wish you luck.

 

[LaceyRoyce]

Sending lots of love to you.

There are other sites that allow trans people to work. Have you looked into them?


Cutting yourself on camera is something that can be dangerously triggering to other people and you don't strike me as the kind of person that doesn't care about others, from your posts. Your chat room is not going to be any help, and you could trigger someone into a really negative or harmful space without even meaning to. So if you get back on camera on another site, in addition to doing it to not get banned from the site...this can be another reason why you need to try not to self injure on camera.

 

[Poker_Babe]

There is a way to find the good in every situation...

Here's two positive things that can come out of you getting fired from chaturbate:
1.) Take this as a chance to find a better cam site to work on.
2.) Take this as a learning experience, now you know what to do and not to do on cam.

I'm sorry that you're going through so much, but know that we're a very open minded and caring close nit community here at this forum. We'll tell you what you need to hear, but not necessarily what you want to hear.
Stay strong... I know it's easier said than done, but know that you have people over here rooting for you.

 

[Jessi]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you need to get out of that house. What your parent did is abuse and its not okay. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect, the way others treat you does not determine your worth.

If you were self harming on cam, it makes sense that Chaturbate would ban you. Like Loli said, they legally cant depict that on their site, and it could cause harm to others which I know you don't want.

Camming should be fun and rewarding, if its making you feel worse about yourself or you can't control your chatroom perhaps its time to take a break. People verbally abusing you and telling you to hurt yourself is unacceptable, you absolutely DO NOT have to sit there and take it, you can ban those people. When you are in a better place emotionally you can try camming again on a different website!

I strongly STRONGLY urge you to seek resources for LGBT young people in your area! You can also search for a mental health professional who is experienced with gender issues.

There are people out there who care and want to help you. It gets better

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/
http://www.wpath.org/

 

[pacificaocean]

Thanks for the support
Taking a break from chaturbate would be great, but I got addicted to do it, I enjoy to feel pretty and all the stuff. Also I have to pay the rent, food and medical needs, so I need to work. I have lost already 500 usd for all the days I havent work.

Im try to not seek for lgbt support group, since they cant do much for me and my situation.

 

[Teagan]

CB support is shit and rarely replies to anyone let alone help them. I wish they did but they just dont. Its their number 1 main issue to me. You can try to contact Shirley herself at Shirley@chaturbate.com and see if you get a reply. You would have to promise not to break the rules again though and that's even if she would be willing to lift your ban to begin with. They have every right not to though.

When signing up you agreed to their rules and one of them is exactly what you were doing. Self harm and blood are instant banable offenses on every adult site. It's not allowed and against the law. You broke that rule. I understand you were going through things but CB is not the site to hop on to when dealing with difficult personal things like this. Please seek help on a forum or site that is. LGBT or the like forums which are readily available. They may not be in your country but on the internet but it's better than CB any day as you have seen.

If CB will not unban you then try another site like streamate.com which allows trans and stick to the rules. It is your job you see and should be treated just like any other even if you are in your own home. You wouldnt go to another job and openly cut would you? No. So you should not camming either. Be professional and only go on to work. And if you're feeling down or feel the need to cut look to support in the right place. I really do hope you get the help and can keep continuing your therapy. I know you said support cant help you and no they arent gonna be able to move you or make your parents accept you but what they can do is offer emotional and mental support from others going through the same or similar situations as you. That can be a huge help ! Way more so than CB or any cam site you're on could do for you.

 

[MFCGod]

I may not word this very eloquently, but hopefully it's understandable

The only small thing I can say, and I know it's a lot easier to say than do, but don't let other peoples opinions dictate your self-worth.

Your parents opinions seem closed minded and they obviously don't understand what you're going through

That is where their hostility comes from, their lack of understanding

If they could understand you, they would think differently, it's their (hopefully temporary) shortcomings

Sometimes you just have to make allowances for other peoples shortcomings, understand they don't currently understand you, and try not take it personally.

I think it's good to talk about these things and let them out, online or offline, hopefully you continue to seek some help for your self harm and issues and find peace with yourself and your family in the future.

 

[pacificaocean]

CB support is shit and rarely replies to anyone let alone help them. I wish they did but they just dont. Its their number 1 main issue to me. You can try to contact Shirley herself at Shirley@chaturbate.com and see if you get a reply. You would have to promise not to break the rules again though and that's even if she would be willing to lift your ban to begin with. They have every right not to though.

I emailed Shirley twice but didnt received any answer, I was at least expecting a "no" to just give up on Chaturbate and seek for another site.

I don't know more sites that work like Chaturbate, I have seen Streamate but it seems it works very different, and Cam4 is total shit, even more in my country.

 

[Teagan]

CB support is shit and rarely replies to anyone let alone help them. I wish they did but they just dont. Its their number 1 main issue to me. You can try to contact Shirley herself at Shirley@chaturbate.com and see if you get a reply. You would have to promise not to break the rules again though and that's even if she would be willing to lift your ban to begin with. They have every right not to though.

I emailed Shirley twice but didnt received any answer, I was at least expecting a "no" to just give up on Chaturbate and seek for another site.

I don't know more sites that work like Chaturbate, I have seen Streamate but it seems it works very different, and Cam4 is total shit, even more in my country.

It's to be expected she would not reply. You broke the rules pretty badly and more than likely they will never let you come back. Cutting on cam is gonna get you banned on any site for forever.

But yes every site is different. Streamate is very different than CB but if you wanna work that is one of your options.

 

[Jessi]

Im try to not seek for lgbt support group, since they cant do much for me and my situation.

Thats the whole purpose of those organizations, if you don't seek them out at all you won't know that they wont help you. At the VERY least they can connect you with a qualified person to talk to.