Is my partner cheating?

[Broken hearted girl]

Hi question for cam models. I recently found out my partner of 8 years and father to our two children has been using cam sites throughout our relationship. He’s paid for private show also. I found this out when we first started dating and he promised he would stop. He said it something he used as porn and would only update the tokens when he was drunk and me and the kids were at my parents which does correlate with the transaction history. I feel so betrayed however he is just adamant it’s ‘posh porn’ and nothing to do with me he sees the sites as a safe space and never thought about after only feel guilty as he knew my thoughts about it. He has booked us in for emergency couples therapy and wants us to stay together and wants me to realise this was nothing to do with me
My comfort is he never used family money only his own from our personal budget. He is very handsome so i don’t understand why he would need to pay to cheat but I suppose we will discuss that in therapy. No hate here just need someone to talk to and tell me if I’m being stupid giving him another chance

 

[LaceyRoyce]

Hi question for cam models. I recently found out my partner of 8 years and father to our two children has been using cam sites throughout our relationship. He’s paid for private show also. I found this out when we first started dating and he promised he would stop. He said it something he used as porn and would only update the tokens when he was drunk and me and the kids were at my parents which does correlate with the transaction history. I feel so betrayed however he is just adamant it’s ‘posh porn’ and nothing to do with me he sees the sites as a safe space and never thought about after only feel guilty as he knew my thoughts about it. He has booked us in for emergency couples therapy and wants us to stay together and wants me to realise this was nothing to do with me
My comfort is he never used family money only his own from our personal budget. He is very handsome so i don’t understand why he would need to pay to cheat but I suppose we will discuss that in therapy. No hate here just need someone to talk to and tell me if I’m being stupid giving him another chance

I hope therapy helps you both. I think that is a positive step. Boundries in relationships around porn use can be complex and therapy should help you communicate these things and any underlying issues that have caused this. It will also help you work through emotional damage and the dishonesty issue.

As far as being too handsome to pay to cheat - this is a misconception or misunderstanding. Our clients are often very good looking. People dont pay us because they're too ugly too get a webcam show otherwise.

People pay because its simple and transactional and discrete. Not because they can't get it elsewhere.

 

[MarieElise]

Hi question for cam models. I recently found out my partner of 8 years and father to our two children has been using cam sites throughout our relationship. He’s paid for private show also. I found this out when we first started dating and he promised he would stop. He said it something he used as porn and would only update the tokens when he was drunk and me and the kids were at my parents which does correlate with the transaction history. I feel so betrayed however he is just adamant it’s ‘posh porn’ and nothing to do with me he sees the sites as a safe space and never thought about after only feel guilty as he knew my thoughts about it. He has booked us in for emergency couples therapy and wants us to stay together and wants me to realise this was nothing to do with me
My comfort is he never used family money only his own from our personal budget. He is very handsome so i don’t understand why he would need to pay to cheat but I suppose we will discuss that in therapy. No hate here just need someone to talk to and tell me if I’m being stupid giving him another chance

I don’t consider it cheating in my relationship no. I also consider it luxury porn. Every relationship has different boundaries though. So in your relationship it sounds like it was considered cheating. And instead of discussing it with you openly, he went ahead and did it. Perhaps he never agreed it was cheating in the first place, but the fact that he did not speak up and say that directly to you, when you guys made that mutual relationship rule, is more the issue. In my opinion anyway, not the rule itself or whether interactive porn is cheating. It’s important that both partners are assertive in a relationship, if they don’t agree with a rule. I think it’s better to speak up honestly about that in the moment, then pretend everything is OK, and do something sneaky.

But no in my relationship both partners are allowed to use porn when they want, and that includes personal porn like WebCam. The only way I would get pissed off with it, is if the Spendin got out of control, or either of us were mean to a performer or inappropriate. So in my relationship it is not considered cheating. But in yours it was. Both ways of being are OK, as long as the 2 people involved are on the same page. Because different relationships are different. There is no black-and-white response to it, as to whether it’s cheating.

I am sorry you have been hurt though, and that there has been a violation of trust. And yes, lots of our clients are very attractive and desirable.

 

[EllaM]

Hi question for cam models. I recently found out my partner of 8 years and father to our two children has been using cam sites throughout our relationship. He’s paid for private show also. I found this out when we first started dating and he promised he would stop. He said it something he used as porn and would only update the tokens when he was drunk and me and the kids were at my parents which does correlate with the transaction history. I feel so betrayed however he is just adamant it’s ‘posh porn’ and nothing to do with me he sees the sites as a safe space and never thought about after only feel guilty as he knew my thoughts about it. He has booked us in for emergency couples therapy and wants us to stay together and wants me to realise this was nothing to do with me
My comfort is he never used family money only his own from our personal budget. He is very handsome so i don’t understand why he would need to pay to cheat but I suppose we will discuss that in therapy. No hate here just need someone to talk to and tell me if I’m being stupid giving him another chance

I don't think you should ask if is cheating in first place, nobody except you can't tell this, if you feel like this is cheating then is, if you don't, then is not.
For some people talking with opsite sex is cheating, for others not even having sex is cheating... you got it
unfortunatelly most of time they don't stop, they just learn how to lie and hide better, I broke up with my last bf because of his porn addiction, was not easy but was best decision, they don't feel sorry until you don't catch them... and this say a lot. Take care

 

[JessaBella]

I defiantly think therapy is a great idea! Communication is key.

I am going, to be honest, a lot of the men who approach me, are married (some claim their wife is there with them to get a show together...not saying this is something you two should do...) but most of the time when they say they home alone/their wife is away/in the other room sleeping, when they get an exclusive show I degrade them about using this service while being married and being dishonest with their wife, they get off by being shamed...most of the time these men are very handsome too... also most of the time are very drunk too...

sometimes its not about the spouse or partner... sometimes they are drunk and/or bored, especially if it only happens when you are away...

I am sorry you are going through this, and hope you both can work things out.

 

[Broken hearted girl]

Thank you lovely ladies for your responses xx

 

[Vixxen81]

He broke your trust. That's for sure. Cam girls are not interested in meeting up with your husband or having an affair with them on the side of all of the drama we already deal with in this job. I think therapy is a good idea, you need to be open to his reasons while also discussing the insecurity it made you feel and why you felt that way. Whether it was because you asked him to stop and he didn't or you feel like he's looking for something you aren't giving him...cam girls tend to give affirmation when guys do well and hit their goals and he may feel some accomplishment out of that while feeling like you and the children get affirmation from him being a good father and husband outside of this issue.

 

[ActiveBitchFace]

Of course everyone has to make their own determination of whether or not an activity is cheating, but the purpose of deciding that is - I think - to determine whose expectation or behavior is reasonable. What I mean is, is his behavior with cam models reasonable and you are asking too much, or is he the one who is unreasonable and your reaction appropriate? I think camming is a very grey area and you really have to decide that for yourself.

I have heard people say it's the same as watching regular pornography, and I strongly disagree with that idea. I won't list the differences here, as I believe they are insanely obvious. Let it suffice to say I think they are distinct enough that viewing models and getting private shows, etc...deserves its own review. That being said, in general I think it's a mistake to call it cheating also. But that really can depend on the individuals involved - I think it could easily blur into cheating. Based on my interaction with viewers as a performer, if my partner was casually viewing a public show and tipping to see tits, etc...I wouldn't love it but I'd probably look the other way. If he was messaging me and getting private shows the way my viewers do, I'd be fucking pissed. I don't know if it's cheating but it's cheating-adjacent.

I think the two things I would think about the most are 1. Once he knew how you felt about it, how did he behave? And 2. Is he still doing it now? The less he responded to you in a sensitive, honest and thoughtful way, and the more recently he was still engaging, the more likely I would be to tell him to GTFO. I did have an issue with my partner in this area but there was a lot going on there. It eventually became pretty much a deal-breaker for me but that was not because he was doing it so much as being a total fucking asshole about doing it. Things are better now but that's after he went to rehab. I would definitely break up with someone over it, but I also will break up at the drop of a hat.

 

[Broken hearted girl]

Thank you ladies. Sitting down with him he’s explained his reasons for doing it and it seems he has problems with control. He always plays games like football manager as he gets to be in control of the outcome and he explained that’s what he gets out of this. No come back and a safe space. He never seen it as cheating but you have all said what I said it’s about setting your own boundaries which he didn’t listen to. However we were much younger then.

Looking at the transaction history for private shows it was when he was drunk and we were out the house. However the odd occasion he accessed these sites when we where in the house never for s private but he said it was sometimes out of curiosity and to use up the tokens didn’t think much of it.

For some reason I looked at the chat history and it’s painful to see how complimentary he is of other women. He said it’s not real and it’s just fantasy and he never thought anything of it because he didn’t use it much.

His reaction has been positive so far he’s accepted my feelings and feels horrible I’m so hurt and has even told my mum what he has done as I have been struggling so much. We have a 7 week old baby and a 22month old so it’s been the worst time to find out. He’s deleted all his games and the cams account and leaves his devices in the car over night as he wants my trust back. He’s stopping going on nights out with friends as he wants to grow up and focus on his family.

Last year he wrote down his New Year’s resolutions which were to work on our relationship better communication and work on intimacy all which have taken a battering having young kids. He said in a way he’s glad I found out as this was the wake up call he needed to grow up. He thinks we will be stronger after therapy. He has said he wants therapy on his own because he doesn’t feel he is in control of his life (bad up bringing).

The few positives I’m taking out of this are family money was never used, I was never spoke bad about on the chats, it was mostly when he was drunk and we were out the house (wasn’t much), and as much as it pains me he was complimenting other women, at least he wasn’t speaking bad to them as that would have been a deal breaker.

Overall he is a really good partner and fantastic father and he works so hard for our family he has a fantastic job. I don’t want to leave as we are just starting our lives. I hope we can work through this.

Thank you for listening to me ladies xx

 

[LaceyRoyce]

Thank you ladies. Sitting down with him he’s explained his reasons for doing it and it seems he has problems with control. He always plays games like football manager as he gets to be in control of the outcome and he explained that’s what he gets out of this. No come back and a safe space. He never seen it as cheating but you have all said what I said it’s about setting your own boundaries which he didn’t listen to. However we were much younger then.

Looking at the transaction history for private shows it was when he was drunk and we were out the house. However the odd occasion he accessed these sites when we where in the house never for s private but he said it was sometimes out of curiosity and to use up the tokens didn’t think much of it.

For some reason I looked at the chat history and it’s painful to see how complimentary he is of other women. He said it’s not real and it’s just fantasy and he never thought anything of it because he didn’t use it much.

His reaction has been positive so far he’s accepted my feelings and feels horrible I’m so hurt and has even told my mum what he has done as I have been struggling so much. We have a 7 week old baby and a 22month old so it’s been the worst time to find out. He’s deleted all his games and the cams account and leaves his devices in the car over night as he wants my trust back. He’s stopping going on nights out with friends as he wants to grow up and focus on his family.

Last year he wrote down his New Year’s resolutions which were to work on our relationship better communication and work on intimacy all which have taken a battering having young kids. He said in a way he’s glad I found out as this was the wake up call he needed to grow up. He thinks we will be stronger after therapy. He has said he wants therapy on his own because he doesn’t feel he is in control of his life (bad up bringing).

The few positives I’m taking out of this are family money was never used, I was never spoke bad about on the chats, it was mostly when he was drunk and we were out the house (wasn’t much), and as much as it pains me he was complimenting other women, at least he wasn’t speaking bad to them as that would have been a deal breaker.

Overall he is a really good partner and fantastic father and he works so hard for our family he has a fantastic job. I don’t want to leave as we are just starting our lives. I hope we can work through this.

Thank you for listening to me ladies xx

Honestly, if he follows through with the things he's saying, I think you guys will be just fine. And if you guys both go into therapy together in good faith. It sounds like you're both working on communicating and growing together.

I've had lots of clients including some that were far more 'deep' into lying/spending issues and even emotionally attached manage to pull things back to save a relationship or marriage. I'm thinking of like 3-4 men in particular who were huge spenders and very attached to me who all made decisions to put their family first and as far as I know have stuck to their word and I haven't seen them pop up online in years.
Consistent communication, therapy and FOLLOW THROUGH on his part will be the most important thing here. I hope you guys can make it work, congrats on your new baby.

 

[HermesPonyo]

As a man who is in couple, I hope my opinion could helps you both.

Communication is key and I'm glad to see you could do it.

In my couple, even if she doesn't want to know about this side of my life, she knows that I have to handle my sexual need alone as she's asexual. But we put limits.

And I don't see it like cheating as I never (and will never) cheat her in real life.

But it also could be a lack of self confidence from him.

If it's more about an addiction or impulsivity, maybe he has ADHD, maybe he also need to see a specialist to help him.

But, as Miss_Lollipop wrote, I think you'll be fine. He assumes, he wants to change.

I wish you the best!

 

[MarieElise]

Thank you ladies. Sitting down with him he’s explained his reasons for doing it and it seems he has problems with control. He always plays games like football manager as he gets to be in control of the outcome and he explained that’s what he gets out of this. No come back and a safe space. He never seen it as cheating but you have all said what I said it’s about setting your own boundaries which he didn’t listen to. However we were much younger then.

Looking at the transaction history for private shows it was when he was drunk and we were out the house. However the odd occasion he accessed these sites when we where in the house never for s private but he said it was sometimes out of curiosity and to use up the tokens didn’t think much of it.

For some reason I looked at the chat history and it’s painful to see how complimentary he is of other women. He said it’s not real and it’s just fantasy and he never thought anything of it because he didn’t use it much.

His reaction has been positive so far he’s accepted my feelings and feels horrible I’m so hurt and has even told my mum what he has done as I have been struggling so much. We have a 7 week old baby and a 22month old so it’s been the worst time to find out. He’s deleted all his games and the cams account and leaves his devices in the car over night as he wants my trust back. He’s stopping going on nights out with friends as he wants to grow up and focus on his family.

Last year he wrote down his New Year’s resolutions which were to work on our relationship better communication and work on intimacy all which have taken a battering having young kids. He said in a way he’s glad I found out as this was the wake up call he needed to grow up. He thinks we will be stronger after therapy. He has said he wants therapy on his own because he doesn’t feel he is in control of his life (bad up bringing).

The few positives I’m taking out of this are family money was never used, I was never spoke bad about on the chats, it was mostly when he was drunk and we were out the house (wasn’t much), and as much as it pains me he was complimenting other women, at least he wasn’t speaking bad to them as that would have been a deal breaker.

Overall he is a really good partner and fantastic father and he works so hard for our family he has a fantastic job. I don’t want to leave as we are just starting our lives. I hope we can work through this.

Thank you for listening to me ladies xx

As far as the compliments go, all the guys who have any common sense do that. Some may genuinely mean them, but a lot do it out of manipulation to get a better show. Or just social fawning, to put the model in a good, "nice" mood. So I honestly, wouldn't take him giving cam models compliments, as actually meaning much. He also could have hung out and learned how other guys act in the context; which is they tend to give a lot of compliments. Especially if they want stuff. If they are on physical appearance, they really don't mean a whole lot, although it's nice they go to the effort of at least being positive, and giving them out. But those are very shallow and a dime a dozen, and on cam sites just roll off of guy's tongues.

If they are on anything deeper, it may mean a little more, but honestly not much.

I have 2 young kids too, and have had a lot of struggles in my committed relationship recently as well. Therapy is a good idea. Things change so much at one child, but even more so after #2. It's extremely hard to keep a relationship together w your partner, just because of time, energy etc I commend you on going to therapy, and I just want to let you know that you are not alone Things can be really tough, but the odds are this guy loves you, and these online encounters don't mean anything. Other than maybe an expression of stress. Him mentioning the word control is telling, because I think one of the hugest things you realize after 2 kids, is you literally can't control your life, or day, or anything anymore. At least that's how I felt. So this could be the expression of psychological needs and stress, rather than physical for him.

Make sure you are both getting what you both need individually, and patting yourselves on the back, because having 2 is VERY difficult, to begin with. He may be expressing his struggles through this, but you likely also need some self care, and extra attention too And extra energy you have hopefully will go to you too, instead of just worrying about him. I'm sure you are working your ass off right now! Just incase you need to hear it; you are enough, and you are doing really well managing all this!

 

[AudriTwo]

im gonna echo that compliments don't mean anything on camsites. especially to a model. we hear the same compliments 80x a camshift. cammembers can be like seagulls from finding nemo. just all saying the same thing over and over again.

but dude needs to be focusing on his family (especially since you probably have two in diapers) instead of showering random internet strangers with meaningless compliments and spending money that could be spent on/saved for your children. im glad he is taking the proper steps to earn your trust back and recognizing hurt.

couples counseling will do wonders op.

 

[ArcticKitty]

From your description it seems that your partner really wants do be be clear that he loves you and sees camsites as entertainment and he is only a recreational user. Hopefully that's true and he can quit anytime w/o withdrawl. Given your own feelings about it, he should. It seems as though you have already made clear your feelings about it and he knows that it's unacceptable to you.

As others have said here, regarding your feelings of betrayal, they are entirely legitimate and you have a perfect right to say what is unacceptable for you in a relationship. I'm bisexual and I don't cheat and won't tolerate it, simple as. If I have a boyfriend I don't step out on him with a girl, including cybersex. I may fantisise about women but that's just imagination. I've never been the other woman either.

It works for me. If I may presume to offer a suggestion, in therapy you may want to focus on going forward and outlining what you and your partner want without hurting the other. I think you can get through this and things will be better. Wishing you all the best

 

[Broken hearted girl]

As far as the compliments go, all the guys who have any common sense do that. Some may genuinely mean them, but a lot do it out of manipulation to get a better show. Or just social fawning, to put the model in a good, "nice" mood. So I honestly, wouldn't take him giving cam models compliments, as actually meaning much. He also could have hung out and learned how other guys act in the context; which is they tend to give a lot of compliments. Especially if they want stuff. If they are on physical appearance, they really don't mean a whole lot, although it's nice they go to the effort of at least being positive, and giving them out. But those are very shallow and a dime a dozen, and on cam sites just roll off of guy's tongues.

If they are on anything deeper, it may mean a little more, but honestly not much.

I have 2 young kids too, and have had a lot of struggles in my committed relationship recently as well. Therapy is a good idea. Things change so much at one child, but even more so after #2. It's extremely hard to keep a relationship together w your partner, just because of time, energy etc I commend you on going to therapy, and I just want to let you know that you are not alone Things can be really tough, but the odds are this guy loves you, and these online encounters don't mean anything. Other than maybe an expression of stress. Him mentioning the word control is telling, because I think one of the hugest things you realize after 2 kids, is you literally can't control your life, or day, or anything anymore. At least that's how I felt. So this could be the expression of psychological needs and stress, rather than physical for him.

Make sure you are both getting what you both need individually, and patting yourselves on the back, because having 2 is VERY difficult, to begin with. He may be expressing his struggles through this, but you likely also need some self care, and extra attention too And extra energy you have hopefully will go to you too, instead of just worrying about him. I'm sure you are working your ass off right now! Just incase you need to hear it; you are enough, and you are doing really well managing all this!

 

[Broken hearted girl]

 

[Broken hearted girl]

Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to answer everyone it’s helping me a lot x