Irritation Level: Over 9000

[kelliver]

Ugh, okay, I need to vent or something. Or maybe I'm here for validation/reassurance? Not sure.

A year ago I moved out of a bad living situation on a minimal budget, the goal was literally just to get out of the house fast. The place I moved into (where I'm currently living) was a basement apartment that was bigger than anything else I could find for ~$600 a month, utilities and internet included. It's not a "legal" place, so to speak; it's not a registered place so technically speaking I don't leave here. But for what I needed, it worked.

Now, a year later, I'm moving again. This time, however, I'm moving with my boyfriend, and since we're pooling our income we can look at nicer places. And oh my god, we found a really nice place. The area it's in is a little industrial, but it's so much closer to where I work, there's a hospital a little way up the road, and just overall it's lovely. I'm going to go see it on Tuesday, but judging by the floor plans and the convenience of having three bus routes stopping just outside the building, I really think this could be it.

And here is where I'm having my issues. For those of you who don't know me, I'm not currently on speaking terms with my mother. So I'm discussing this with my dad, and because he's in a bad mood he starts getting mean. For the longest time he's been saying things about how I'm in a situation that is really hard on me financially (because I wasn't aware, I guess) and how he doesn't want me living in someone's basement all my life. So I would've thought that, upon being told I'm moving into an actual apartment building with someone to help me with the rent and such, that he'd be glad.

Nope. Apparently I'm making bad decisions and rushing into things with a boyfriend who doesn't have a job! (He's between jobs at the moment but has a few grand in the bank. Not the point though.)

I'm just very frustrated and very tired of my parents thinking that they know what's best for me and then shutting me down - usually in very scathing ways - every time I try to say, "Hey, I'm doing an adult thing, support my decision to do the adult thing please". How hard would it be to just ... support their child?

What do you guys think? Am I rushing into this? We wouldn't be able to move into this place until September, and the rent is a little higher than what I'm currently paying - plus, it doesn't include hydro and internet - but between the two of us I figure it's going to be pretty easy to pay the bills. Hell, my income alone nearly pays for all of them. My boyfriend would have to pitch in like a couple hundred dollars minimum and we'd be fine.

/end rant I'm sorry for clogging up the forum gomen 5ever

 

[mynameisbob84]

It sounds like your dad has your best interests at heart. I obviously don't know you or your boyfriend or anything about your situation past what you've mentioned here so can't really comment on whether you're rushing in to things. I guess all I can say is that if I had a daughter who was moving in to a place that I knew she couldn't afford alone with a boyfriend who I knew wasn't currently working, then I'd probably be a little concerned too. But that's not to say that you shouldn't go ahead with your plan or anything.

 

[kelliver]

Nah, I can see where he's coming from. The issue is that he's just not listening to me. I've already explained to him that my boyfriend isn't working now because he took time off to go to school, but I'm wasting my breath I suppose. u_u Thanks for your input, though.

 

[Diana Blake]

Agreeing 100% with Bob but also want to add... these are the people that taught you to wipe your ass.

Some parents never really understand the idea of their babies growing up. Everything you do, every challenge you face will be big and scary and how on earth can their little girl be expected to face all that?

My grandfather still tries to cut my steak for me when I visit...

 

[kelliver]

Oh my goodness @ your grandfather trying to cut your steak, that made me giggle.

I can agree with that though, I guess I just wish that my dad would recognize that I have thought this through and I do think I'm going into this with the right mindset and information in hand?

 

[Diana Blake]

No matter how hard you try some parents will only see this when you try to do grown up things. Especially fathers, you're his princess after all.

 

[kelliver]

With how short I am, that's not an entirely inaccurate depiction of me...

 

[PunkInDrublic]

I can understand why the boyfriend not having a job would annoy or be an issue for some dads. I'm assuming most dads want their daughters to be with a person they love and that makes them happy but also someone that can help provide and make sure that they are always taken care of. Chances are he'd find something else to not approve of anyway if it wasn't that so you just gotta do you and I hope he is more supportive in the future.

 

[AerynShade]

I will be presenting an alternate view on parents:
My parents like to crush every idea and dream I have too because obviously I'm a total idiot loser who can't do anything right and should just move back in with them... Except no. Because I kick ass and haven't needed them for anything for a long-ass time now. Sometimes parents just suck. Sometimes the only way they feel good about themselves is to make their adult children feel like, well, little kids. And that's NOT cool. Anyway...

Why do you think your dad is saying you're rushing into things? Have you and your bf only been together a couple of weeks or something? (Not that I'm judging, I moved in with mine after two dates. Sometimes you just know.)
If you're not moving until September it seems like you have plenty of time to start saving back extra money in case your bf is unable to find a job and you have to pay all the bills yourself for several months. (Helpful Hint to everyone reading: having enough in savings to cover 3+ months of ALL your expenses is suggested by financial planners.) Your reasons for wanting this new apartment sound totally reasonable from the info you're giving us. Try living this and next month on the budget you'd have to have in that new place. Is it doable? If so, go for it!

 

[kelliver]

That was exactly my thinking! It's funny, because I think my boyfriend already has enough in the bank for 3+ months rent, I'm not quite there yet, so working all of July and August would give me the chance to get that together.

I'm not sure why he thinks I'm rushing, I certainly don't think I am. I've known my boyfriend five years now, and we've been dating for almost a year (we were close friends before that). And like you said, September is still quite a ways away so I've still got time to save up some extra funds and get things arranged before moving.

I'm going to try what you suggested, living on the budget I'd have in the new place; if I've done my math right, it'll actually work out to being less than what I have to make to be able to support myself on my own. Thank you, dear!

 

[TacoBelle]

I've been in your shoes exactly. Twice. And my reasons for moving were similar. So here's my experiences; maybe they can help you.

Situation 1) Started dating a guy that I'd been friends with for years. Decided to move in together. Got a place that was only about $150 more monthly than living alone. He was "in between jobs." I despise that saying. Technically, every person, even homeless people who haven't worked in 45 years*, are in-between jobs. Having dated 7, yes SEVEN, guys who were in-between jobs, I've realized that only ONE of those 7 actually had a good work ethic and was genuinely trying to find work. The others were all so damn picky and/or lazy that they would only apply to one or two places per week, and they were only applying to places they wanted to work (like Gamestop and Spencer's Gifts) and usually only online (not in person). I, however, was so infatuated with them/the idea of the relationship, that I couldn't recognize this as what it was. I kept making excuses for them. Only now (like 10 years later) can I realize this. But my family knew all along, and had been urging me to see the light. After the guy used up his savings (that he assured me would last until he got the new job), he decided to move back in with mommy. Left me to pay all the bills, which I couldn't afford. Luckily, I was able to get another job to offset the cost a few months later. But I was SEVERELY broke. Like Ramen every day, all day.

Situation 2) Started dating another guy, moved in together within just a few months. He was in-between jobs. My family again told me that he would be a bum, ruining my life. But he applied everywhere, in person, and found a replacement job after a month. He pulled his weight and always made sure he was able to pay his portion of the bills. The relationship ended a few years later, but it wasn't because of money or a lack of work-ethic.




Basically, what I'm saying is this: My family is sometimes (usually) right, but sometimes very wrong. Only you can decide that. But when we're in a new relationship, we see through rose-colored glasses, often making excuses for the other person (we even believe our own excuses!). If your man is truly worth it, he'll be applying for a job everywhere. Cause even McDonald's will work until something better comes along. I strongly suggest only getting a place that you can afford on your own (just in case), until you can be sure that his work ethic is good enough to not screw you over. But regardless, good luck (on the house AND the relationship).








*Disclaimer: I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with being homeless, or that it's a choice, or that I'm better than them. Just couldn't think of a better example!!

 

[Shaun__]

I have a reasonably nice job, but I live in a relatively small house for my income level. Living below your means gives you much more flexibility in your life. It lets you stay in nicer places on vacation, deal with unexpected expenses with your savings, and etc.. You might want to consider staying in your basement apartment until your boyfriend has a new job, and can help without raiding his savings.

 

[kelliver]

I actually can't stay in this apartment, it isn't a safe environment (there have been electrical problems in the past) and it also isn't a legal residence. Even if I could stay here though, it really just isn't the ideal place; I'm way too far from a hospital, the places I work, and my family/friends.

I'm definitely going to have a word with my boyfriend, we're planning to go over his resume and such tonight and make sure everything looks good before we send it off to the places we've already looked at. Maybe we'll even look at some more, you're right, even McDonalds (as much as everyone like to mock it) would be an okay position. I know he'd been considering working at Tim Horton's, so there's that.

 

[StrayObject]

I applied at McDonald's once. They told me I was over-qualified.
No joke.

 

[TacoBelle]

I applied at McDonald's once. They told me I was over-qualified.
No joke.

Having used that line before after an interview, it's typically used when it doesn't seem like you'll be a good fit for the job/coworkers. I was a fast food manager, and anytime someone came in acting like they were "settling" for working with us, or seemed cocky, we would use this line. I'm not saying that was the case with you, Stray. Just some food for thought.

 

[StrayObject]

I only mentioned it because this thread has the idea that working at McDonald's is a last ditch resort and available to anyone.

 

[kelliver]

Wouldn't be considered settling. Boyfriend is looking for more experience with customer service, which is why he's considering McDonald's and Tim Horton's. Also retail, although those sorts of positions are hard to find around here.

 

[Super_Stella]

Sometimes parents have this special ability to express love with this attitude of 'whatever you do is not going to be good enough or you are going to fail'. I know this doesn't sound healthy but usually it is out of deep care and their own life stories and perspectives of life. No matter how much you may know about your father, he still has some untold story behind him, he may have had his dreams crushed, may have been very careful in his decisions and still be wrong, maybe nobody believed in him and so on. He has his own story. Keep the positive out of it, that's that your father is there for you and that he cares. This is his own reflection these are his own fears but they stem from caring. Just.. when he speaks focus on how much you love each other, not on what he says
Other than that, it seems to me that you have thought this thing through, I know it is easier said than done but you need to take this next step in your life and not stay idle. Of course you are going to have second thoughts, change is not always welcomed by our brain but even if this turns out to be wrong for you, you are going to learn something from it and be more prepared in the future. We cannot live our lives without mistakes right?

I am changing apartments the last 10 years that I live without my parents. My first apartment was a disaster the only thing I cared about was that it was big and on a high floor and with many windows. 10000 problems came up that I had to learn from them and chose a better apartment next time and an even better apartment next time and a pretty nice apartment just as we speak

Everything is going to be ok, breathe and do what you have to do, the people that love you may nag but they will follow.

 

[asianrawra]

It sounds like your dad has your best interests at heart. I obviously don't know you or your boyfriend or anything about your situation past what you've mentioned here so can't really comment on whether you're rushing in to things. I guess all I can say is that if I had a daughter who was moving in to a place that I knew she couldn't afford alone with a boyfriend who I knew wasn't currently working, then I'd probably be a little concerned too. But that's not to say that you shouldn't go ahead with your plan or anything.

I think its up to you, your father has your best wishes at heart but hes not walking in your shoes. I think if you can afford it then do as your heart wishes

 

[Ambers Troll]

I am with the OP in that it feels like the next step for her...there is some risk, but calculated.

 

[kelliver]

A big thank you to everyone who has been responding with advice, insight, and support - you've all been super helpful in your own way.

An update; Brandon (boyfriend) and I got the paperwork for this apartment, we're getting all the necessary forms filled out and such. He's applied to a few places and I've also started looking into working at a place where I'd be getting a higher pay than I am now. Always worth a shot.

Dad sent a passive aggressive email reinstating that I'm making huge mistakes and even accused me of lying about my reasons for wanting to move; landlady and her husband have been trying to make the apartment legal, but that process involves a government inspection that can't take place while they have an illegal tenant (me) in the apartment, so they fully told me that I'd have to remove myself and my belongings from the apartment if that happens. That, plus my original reasons for it being an unregistered address and having some safety concerns. Why would I lie about that?

But then he pretends that never happened and texts me good morning and whatnot like it's just a regular day...

Brandon's parents have been supportive (albeit worried about how much money rent will be, but they have faith in us), his friends have been supportive, my friends have been supportive... It's just dad who's not for it at the moment.