Euphemisms for 'masturbation'

[mynameisbob84]

Because I'm really mature and stuff, I thought I'd start a thread where we could share our favourite euphemisms for 'masturbation'

Here are some of mine! :-D

Female
Feeding the pony
Flicking the bean
The disappearing finger trick

Male
Draining the lizard
Holding the sausage hostage
Flogging the egg man

 

[Anonymous]

You choking the chicken, bb? :lol:

 

[Mott_]

Knock one out.

 

[mynameisbob84]

Snap one off.

 

[LilianaXO]

Finger blasting bscene-sexualvlick:

 

[Nordling]

Playing hide and go seek with Princess Hand.

 

[southsamurai]

boy did you open a can of worms!.. and no thats not a euphemism, though it could be i guess.

male:
flogging the flounder
beating the bishop
spanking little tommy behind the ears
wrestling with the purple helmeted warrior of love (a personal fave of mine)
making man mayonnaise (or mustard)
dating rosy palm and her five sisters
doing the five knuckle shuffle
thumb wrestling
taming the trouser snake
jackin the beanstalk


female:
exploring (and there are several with this theme)--the darkest jungle....the black hole of calcutta...darkest africa....the bermuda triangle
making a hole in one
taking it to the hoop
singing shebop (the old cyndi lauper song about,,, u guessed it)
slapping miss suzy
slapping the mackerel (ew)
diving for bearded clam
squeezing the peach
stirring the honey pot
sweeping the chimney

ill leave it there... i really could go on all day. i love euphemisms in general and sexual ones in specific. they just make me chuckle

 

[WildFingers]

Spankin Frank
Five knuckle shuffle
Polishing the Bishop
Polish the helmet
Burping the gherkin
Bopping the bologna
Paint the pickle
Shellac the shillelagh
Spank the monkey
Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
Yank the crank

 

[emptiedglass]

Jerking off
Whacking off
Wanking
Flying solo
Slapping the salami

 

[Jessi]

Spelunking in the pink pit of pleasure.
Jilling off.
Shlickin'

 

[emptiedglass]

Cleaning the pipes.
Getting off. -> Kinda funny that you can 'get off' alone but need someone else to 'get it on' with. :lol:

 

[bawksy]

Giving the ol' Doodle Dandy a little Yankee

 

[Zoomer]

Whilst there is a wealth of them, and to be honest, these days they get made up on the spot and people know what you mean - one I've never forgotten from when I heard it

Introducing *insert name* to Thumbelina and her four daughters...

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I'm going to go "DJ scribble" it up!
I feel like its an uncommon one, but funny.

 

[CharlotteLace]

I prefer the term "Rubbing one in"

 

[AnaVictoriaXO]

Diddle my skittle!

 

[LailaBaise]

"Cracking one off the wrist" is a personal fave.

 

[Poker_Babe]

Whoa, I'm suddenly reminded of the time when my mom came home with this stack of "gag" wanted flyers for Paul Reubens (AKA PeeWee Hurman). Someone at her job had made them over the weekend right after it hit the news about him being arrested, and passed a bunch of them to her co-workers for a good laugh.
It was so funny, I wish I could remember all the masturbation puns in that poster, but it was so long ago. I tried looking on the web to see if by some chance I could find a copy of that flyer (or one similar) but no luck. Gawd that thing was friggin funny.
I'm going off of memory here, but it looked something like this


and in the description it said stuff like,
Favorite Song: Beat It
Favorite Drink: Squirt
Also suspected of animal abuse and wanted for questioning in the connection of a spanking of a monkey and the choking of a chicken.

It had a shit load of them, everything in that poster was a masturbation innuendo.

 

[lordmagellan]

Whoa, I'm suddenly reminded of the time when my mom came home with this stack of "gag" wanted flyers for Paul Reubens (AKA PeeWee Hurman). Someone at her job had made them over the weekend right after it hit the news about him being arrested, and passed a bunch of them to her co-workers for a good laugh.
It was so funny, I wish I could remember all the masturbation puns in that poster, but it was so long ago. I tried looking on the web to see if by some chance I could find a copy of that flyer (or one similar) but no luck. Gawd that thing was friggin funny.
I'm going off of memory here, but it looked something like this


and in the description it said stuff like,
Favorite Song: Beat It
Favorite Drink: Squirt
Also suspected of animal abuse and wanted for questioning in the connection of a spanking of a monkey and the choking of a chicken.

It had a shit load of them, everything in that poster was a masturbation innuendo.

To this day the crucifixion of Paul pisses me off.

As the wife and I often rib each other about exercise, I've taken to calling masturbation "cardio."
Most everything else I use is so off the cuff I forget most of them; or they're what's been stated above. Except "drain the lizard," I've only heard that applied to urinating.

 

[CharlieKat]

Jerkin' the gherkin'.

 

[Rose]

My favorites are the unisex: diddling, happy time, solo fun or no no tingling. :thumbleft:

 

[Just Me]

In the right context or tone of voice, couldn't any phrase be made a euphemism for masturbation? :lol:

 

[southsamurai]

In the right context or tone of voice, couldn't any phrase be made a euphemism for masturbation? :lol:

i dunno, are you looking for some just me time? maybe spend a bit of time masticating on members?

 

[GreatDane]

Well there is a few that have been mentioned and I have heard a few... yeah, will go with a few :lol: some of them are a little dated too. I had them saved and had to find the document I had it saved in so they are in alphabetical order

Answer the Bone-A-Phone
Assault on a Friendly Weapon
Backstroke Roulette
Baiting your Hook
Batting Practice
Bash The Candle
Beat Off
Beating the Bait
Beating the Bishop
Beating the Dummy
Beating the Snake
Beating the Stick (Please no more "beat")
Beating your Meat
Being your Own Best Friend
Bleed the Weed
Blow Your Load
Bludgeon the Beefsteak
Boppin' your Bologna
Buckin' it
Buffing the Banana
Buffing the Wood
Burping the Worm
Butter Your Corn
Calling Down For More Mayo
Calling All Cum
Carrying Weight
Cast Off
Changing your Oil
Charm the Cobra
Choaking Charlie 'till He Throws Up
Choke Kojak
Choke your Chicken
Civil War
Cleaning out your Rope
Clean the Pipes
Clean your Rifle
Clubbing Eddy
Couch Hockey for One
Cracking the Fat
Crank the Shank
Cranking
Cranking For Cum
Crank Your Cordiano (for Joe - the man with forearms like Popeye)
Crown the King
Cuff the Carrot
Cuffing the Puppy
Cum The Scum
Custer's Last Stand
Date Miss Michigan
Date Mother Palm and Her Five Daughters
Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
Diddle
Dishonorable Discharge
Disseminating
Doddle Whacking
Doodle Your Noodle
Do The Dew
Drain the Dragon
Drain the Monster
Drain the Vein
Dropping A Line
Dropping Stomach Pancakes
Firm Your Worm
Fist Fuck
Fist your Mister
Five Against One
Five Finger Knuckle Shuffle
Five Knuckle Olympics
Flogging Your Dong
Flogging Your Log
Flute Solo
Flying a Kite
Fondle the Fig
Freeing the Willies
Frigging the Love Muscle (British)
Gallop the Antelope
Gallop the Maggot
Getting In Touch With Your Manhood
Getting In Touch With Yourself
Getting to Know Yourself Personally in the "Biblical Sense"
Getting Your Caps Peeled
Giving it a Tug
Giving the John Hancock
Grease the Pipe
Greasing your Bone
Hack the Hog
Ham Shank
Hand Job
Hands on Training
Hand to Gland Combat
Hand Work
Having a Roy (Australian)
Have it Off
Have One Off the Wrist
Hitchhike Under the Big Top
Hitching to Heaven
Hit the Ham
Holding All The Cards
Holding Your Sausage Hostage
Hone your Bone
Hump your Fist
Hump your Hose
Humpin' Air
Ironing Some Wrinkles
Jack Hammer
Jack Off
Jackin'
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Jag Off
J Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
Jazz Yourself
Jelly Roll
Jerk Off
Jerk the Gherkin
Jerk the Johnson
Jiggle the Jewelry
Jimmying your Joey
Killing the Beast
Knock the Top Off
Knuckle Shuffle on your Piss Pump
Launching the Hand Shuttle
Leakin' the Main Drain
Loping your Mule
Making the Bald Guy Puke
Making Nut Butter
Making Yogurt
Mangle the Midget
Manipulate the Mango
Manual Override
Masonic Secret Self Handshake
Massage your Muscle
Massage your Purple-Headed Warrior
Measuring For Condoms
Milking the Bull
Milking the Lizard
Milking the Monkey
Milkywaying
Moulding Hot Plastic
Nerk your Throbber
Oil the Glove
Oiling The Pogo Stick
One Handed Clapping
One Man Show
One Man Tug-O-War
Pack your Palm
Paddle the Pickle
Paint the Pickle
Pain the Walls
Pam Anderson Polka
Pat the Robertson
Peel Some Chilis
Peel the Banana
Peel the Carrot
Petting Your Dog
Playing With Dick
Playing With Susi Palmer and her five friends
Playing With Your Noodle
Play Pocket Pool
Play the Organ
Play the Pisser
Play the Piss Pipe
Play the Skin Flute
Play the Stand-Up Organ
Playing With the Snake
Playing Your Instrument
Play With Yourself
Pocket Pinball
Pocket Pool
Polish the Chrome Dome
Polish the Rocket
Polish the Sword
Polish your Bayonet
Polish your Helmet
Popping the Porpoise
Popping The Purple Pimple
Pound Off
Pound Your Flounder
Pound Your Piss Pump
Pounding your Pud
Pudwhacking
Pud Wrestling
Puddin'
Pull the Root
Pulling The Wire
Pulling Your Goalie
Pull Off
Pulling The Piss Pump
Pull the Pole
Pull the Pope
Pull Your Pud
Pull your Taffy
Pumping For Pleasure
Pumping For Power
Pump the Python
Punchin' The Clown
Punchin' The Munchkin
Punishing Percy
Punishing the Bishop
Ram the Ham
Ride the Great White Knuckler
Rolling The Fleshy Blunt
Roman Helmet Rhumba
Ropin' the Long Horn
Rope the Pony
Roughing up the Suspect
Rounding Up the Tadpoles
Routin' for the Yankees
Rub One Out
Rub the Unicorn's Horn
Runka (Swedish)
Scraping Your Carrot
Scratching the Itch
Seasonin' Your Meat
See Mrs. Palmer & Five Daughters
Self Love
Sending out the Troops
Shaking Hands With Abe Lincoln (Please - no more "Shaking Hands")
Shaking Hands With the Governor
Shaking Hands With Shorty
Shaking Hands With the Unemployed
Shake the Snake
Shifting Gears
Shine Your Pole
Shining The Helmet
Shooting Enemies
Shooting Putty at the Moon
Shooting Sherman
Shucking Bubba
Slam the Hammer
Slammin' the Salami
Slappin' Pappy
Slapping the Clown
Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
Slap My Happy Sacks
Slap the Salami
Slapping the Cyclops (Please - no more "Slapping")
Slapping your Chub
Slinging Jelly
Sloppy Joe's Last Stand
Sloppy Sign Language
Stroke the Stallion
Smacking your Sister
Snap the Monkey
Snap the Whip
Snapping Your Carrot
Spank the Frank
Spank your Monkey
Spear Chucking
Spreading the Mayo
Spunk the Monk
Squeeze the Cream From the Flesh Twinkie
Squeeze the Lemon
Squeezing the Tube of Tooth Paste
Squeezing the Burrito
Staff Meeting
Stall Clapping
Stir the Soup
Stroke Off
Stroking It
Stroking your Goat
Stroke your Poker
Taking a Shake Break
Tame the Wild Hog
Tap the Turkey
Tease the Python
Tease the Weasle
Tenderize the Meat
The Erky Jerk
The Sticky Page Rhumba
Threading a Needle
Throw off a Batch
Throwin' Down
Thump the Pump
Tickle the Elmo
Tickle the Pickle
Toss Off
Toss the Boss
Toss the Turkey
Tugging your Toobsteak/Toobsnake
Tug of War with Cyclops
Tuning the Antenna
Tussle with Your Muscle
Unwapping the Pepperoni
Varnishing the Cane
Wailing
Walk the Dog
Walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm
Wank (British)
Waxing the Dolphin
Wax your Jackson
Wax your Weasel
Wax your Willy
Whack Off
Whack Your Tack
Whip the Dummy
Whip your Dripper
Whipping the One-Eyed Wonder
Whipping the Pony
Whipping the Window Washer
White Water Wristing
Whizzin' Jizzim
Wiggling your Worm
Winding the Jack In The Box
Wonk your Conker
Working a Cramp out of your Muscle
Working your Willy
Wrestling the Eel
Wring Out your Rope
Wring Your Thing
Yahtzee
Yank My Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yank Off
Yank the Yodle
Yank your Crank

 

[Jobs4Adults.com]

For Male and Female: Solitary pleasure...

 

[Poker_Babe]

I have a few more to add in connection with PeeWee Herman

After Pee Wee was arrested, he decided to not hire a lawyer,
He could get himself off...

He had a great defense...
But, it wouldn't stand up in court.

and finally:
What are Pee Wee's two favorite baseball teams?
The Expos and The Yankees.

 

[TeaganO'Holloran]

My personal favorite for girls is, "double-clicking the mouse."

 

[VenPerv2]

"Voting Republican"

usually involves a cunt of some shape or size*

*yes this is a joke i thought id post this disclaimer just in case it was misunderstood and disected

 

[Nordling]

Glazing the Stone Pony.

 

[Username?]

Slithering the snake (a personal euphemism (I've just created)).