Dominatrix issues part 1

[RoseAnnne]

Why dominant men are obsessed with dominatrix? Seriously. It is more likely that a dominatrix contact with a vanilla than with a dominant man (except for professional masters who pay well for the fetish "conversed mistress" but that is another thing and personally i don't like). I am exhausted from the amount of dominant men who come to tell me what they would like to do with me.

Why do submissive men look at submissive girls to dominate them? That does not make any sense. You literally put a photo of yourself with a dog collar that says "daddys girl" and some handcuffs on your hands, and the amount of subs that reaches your feet is incalculable. But if it does the opposite acts as a kind of subs repellent.

 

[SaffronBurke]

Why dominant men are obsessed with dominatrix? Seriously. It is more likely that a dominatrix contact with a vanilla than with a dominant man (except for professional masters who pay well for the fetish "conversed mistress" but that is another thing and personally i don't like). I am exhausted from the amount of dominant men who

Simply put, the type of "dominant men" who do this, are just picks who don't respect women or their orientation. You get them in IRL BDSM scenes, too - the type with the attitude that no woman is TRULY dominant, and we're all just waiting for the right man to come along and put us in our place (very close to the attitude some particularly annoying straight men have toward lesbians).

Why do submissive men look at submissive girls to dominate them? That does not make any sense. You literally put a photo of yourself with a dog collar that says "daddys girl" and some handcuffs on your hands, and the amount of subs that reaches your feet is incalculable. But if it does the opposite acts as a kind of subs repellent.

These ones are, there's no good way to put it, stupid. One or more of the following is going on:

* They think we're all fetish robots who will pop into whatever role they want
* They're new to BDSM and respond to any remotely kinky thing they see with "omg, a woman who will domme me"
* All of the blood has drained from their head to their dick and they're not thinking


Both situations can be very frustrating, especially if you're a newer model. Developing firm boundaries and learning that "no" is a full sentence and doesn't need an explanation is very important, as is becoming very familiar with the ban button. Fortunately, there are plenty of polite customers who will balance out the jerks. And, in the case of being a Domme, putting a pick in his place in free chat can lead to subs filing into private to get a bit of that pointed at themselves.

 

[SMuser69]

Because from a member's perspective submissive models tend to be more empathetic for fantasy fulfillment that a model that's straight Dom. Submissive just means they're going to follow the member's instructions. Those instructions can be how the member WANTS to be dominated. Submissives are often much more clear about their boundaries. From experience many camsite doms think of it as, 'pay me to be an asshole' and might be so selfish in their activity that they don't even consider what aspects by give that control away is entertaining the member.

Outside of blackmail nobody has any REAL control over another so you have to always bear in mind what's making the member come back for more.

But because sub/dom are such a spectrum you should probably be used to members asking question to see if you 'mesh' or not because once a member finds that sub/dom that connects you get years of loyalty from that bond.

 

[RoseAnnne]

I understand that there exist bratty girls that don't have any idea about BDSM and just twit a ouc of their feets asking for tribute (they think that's be femdom, i understand).

But here is a dilemma about what it really is to be a dominatrix. According to you, in reality, I am never truly in control, because, although it seems selfish, serving a femdom implies that, serving her, it is about HER, her desires, not you. That is, it is one thing to have a specific fetish and another to need to serve a woman that you consider superior to you in every way. Being a submissive implies having no control over oneself (it may be wrong).

So who really dominates who? It is my question. I must admit with all embarrassment, most of my "submissive" are not really, they are simply men who at a certain moment want a woman to take control, in fact many have the audacity to tell you "show ass mistress" lol, That is not being submissive, or is it?

What do you think about that?

 

[SMuser69]

I understand that there exist bratty girls that don't have any idea about BDSM and just twit a ouc of their feets asking for tribute (they think that's be femdom, i understand).

But here is a dilemma about what it really is to be a dominatrix. According to you, in reality, I am never truly in control, because, although it seems selfish, serving a femdom implies that, serving her, it is about HER, her desires, not you. That is, it is one thing to have a specific fetish and another to need to serve a woman that you consider superior to you in every way. Being a submissive implies having no control over oneself (it may be wrong).

I definately believe you are in control, I'm not sure your members have given you command. Dom/Sub is at it's basic is who controls but doesn't always mean who commands. Control and command aren't the same things. A good example is you're a passenger in a car. In some cases the passenger is at the mercy of where the driver it taking you so the driver has control and command. However sometimes the driver is a chauffeur and only driving where the passenger wants, the driver still has control but the passenger is in command.

Members actually giving up command is hard because command acts as a fail safe to make sure they get the entertainment they are looking for out of giving up control. I would say from what you said your subs are worried they aren't getting the 'payoff' from giving you control so they'll hold back on giving command. This is probably what separates Dominatrix from just being dominate at least in my view

Command involves more trust than control does.

 

[AudriTwo]

Um submissives do have control just as much as dominants. And dominants are eager to please submissives too.


Like boundaries are the same across the board.

 

[RoseAnnne]

" the driver still has control but the passenger is in command" - "submissives do have control just as much as dominants. And dominants are eager to please submissives too ".

I just realized that in all this years of being dominatrix pro, the same thing don't work as camgirl. Because, that in cam the "subs" want to have the "command" and domme please to subs. I have so much to learn from...

Not really not. I'm more confused than before. But thanks for answers

 

[SMuser69]

Also you have to remember for most members this is PURE fantasy since they've might have never had access to the real thing. So they are following their 'ideal' version of how it should be like. They will treat it like TV where they get entertained then turn it off and walk away and never care about it after.

A member wants to play 'cowboys and indians' but the model might be a REAL cowboy or indian, regardless how wrong the member might be about the reality going into the session it is going to end up out an episode of the Lone Ranger to the chagrin of the model.

I mean members you are looking for ACTUALLY do exist as well but often members when they tell models of their kink are telling their 'version' of it which might clash with even long standing understandings of what that kink is.

 

[RoseAnnne]

Hmmm, so, camming as dominatrix mean do that members understand as dominatrix and not be a dominatrix. I understand. I'm not sure about call that "be dominatrix". I mean, is fine, but subs must to know that i'm not being a dominatrix and they are not being subs. I mean, why they just don't admit that do a fetish not mean have a sub-dominatrix relationship. That're differents things.

That's very important cause if dominatrix is about what people think it is and not about what it is, being dominatrix would not make sense.

 

[Sillykitty]

On cam I dom, in as much as I specialize in a few fetishes and I'm good at building up a fantasy around the specific member's wants. In no way am I a pro domme, but I found when I realized that not one size fits all in the camming world, it was easier for me to fall into a dominant role. In shows with men who want to be somewhat submissive, it is still pretty much about what gets them off. As much as I would adore truly sub men who share the same kinks as me, when it comes to me being dominant, on cam I'm really just an actor filling a role in one of their specific fantasies. I'm cool with that too, I learn a ton about people, and have some really rad members and really fun shows- but it is in no way pro domme. (Not saying you cant be a pro domme on cam, or have your own specific ways of doing things, this is just what works for me)

On phone sites- I sub, (i wanted a change of pace, IRL I switch) yet 90% of my calls are for me to be dominant. It threw me for a loop at first, but then I started to go with it, and most of my best callers are guys who want me to dom them. From what I've gathered through straight up asking the guys who want it, some feel that because I can sub, I'll understand better what it is to be submissive and what they want. Others have said that since I'm a sub, I'll have a fresh perspective, or they will be turning me on to something new. Or that I'll listen to what they want and their boundaries and not push them. I think they want the idea of a "sweet dominant" approachable woman who can turn demanding, but not the strict domme that stereotypically fills the role. I think it's the barrier between fantasy and reality, most of what gets them off is stuff they wouldnt or couldnt do in real life, and someone presenting as totally dominant professional bad ass may be too real and intimidating.

I will say, playing both of these roles in a different capacity than how I am in my personal sex life, has truly opened my eyes over the years to the multi faceted layers of human sexuality and needs. I love it.

 

[RoseAnnne]

I understand all your point of views and i'm in the same conslusion: Sub guys on cam are looking for "domme" as role play or specific fetish, not for a dominatrix or mistress (that mean lifestyle, professional or kink master). And its fine. I'm not telling the opposite. What bothers me is that people call "dominatrix" or "mistress" something that is not. They are boys giving instructions (explicit or subtle) to a model so that it fulfills their fantasies. As any vanila relationship. And i repeat, that's fine. But when a client tells me that he is submissive and wants to serve me (periodicalley sessions, schedule tasks, punishements, tributes, agreements), I imagine that, someone who wants to serve me, not someone fulfilling a role/fetish for three seconds until he cum.

Now with the things clear. I really do not know if camming like Domme is for me or I do not know if it's profitable, it's practically the same as vanilla. The boys are very confused about what they are (not what they want) and the girls simply call themselves "dominatrix" or "mistress" when in reality it is not what they do.

Literally, when the boys come to my room saying that they want my ass to destroy their penis (anal) when a mistress-dominatrix does the opposite (in kink it's called pegging-fagot) I am invaded by an anger that I do not know how to explain. I imagine that for SallyKitty this is normal and even does, and still continue believing that what you do is a true mistress-dominatrix and that I am false. Then they simply do not stay to serve me, because a submissive is supposed to find pleasure in servitude, in not controlling his own life or his own pleasure because the one who decides to count is erect and when not, how and why, is his mistress.

Definitely I have a lot to learn about cam as domme, because it is definitely not the same. As i see, men never is sub, NEVER, at least no on cam. Cause master male insist to bother me and vanila looks for roleplay/fetish. But men don't look for serve. Hmmmm...

 

[SMuser69]

There's limits on what people will commit to in a 'virtual' environment like cam. For instance I've only sugared women in real life I would never do so over the internet because spending thousands a month with a 'look but no touch' caveat doesn't make sense to me when the same money can spend spent and have all the physicality I'm looking for. The same probably exists for Dominatrix to the same extent that a sub wants physical disciple, why pay PLUS have to do it themselves because the Dominatrix really isn't there. There a level of physical action from a real Dominatrix that can never be accomplished through cam so it logically devolves into fantasy.

And I don't think it's a case of members never truly sub or never want to truly sub but you can't remove the reality that you're in a room by yourself communication through a screen and not all kink can translate one to one in that environment.

 

[LaceyRoyce]

You're talking about the difference between a submissive/dominant and a top/bottom.

A bottom is someone who fills the submmissive 'role' (being tied up, being whipped, having things "done to" them) an a submissive is typically someone who serves the desires of the dominant. There's nothing wrong with either of these things, but they are different.

Both of them still get to have boundries but the motivations may be different.

It is interesting to me that you say you're a professional dominatrix but that you've never encountered clients who wanted to direct the action rather than truly serve. The prodommes i've hung out with (lots, and lots, and lots) as WELL as the lifestyle dominants i've hung out with (again.. many) both complain that many male subs they encounter are wired this way. They want their fantasy more than the desire to serve. Typically subs that desire soley to serve are reffered to as "service oriented"

I do both domination, vanilla and some submission on camera. I have subs that are highly service oriented, in that very genuine type of relationship that you're seeking. they are far and few between and when I find them I treasure them. the majority of my submissive clients are bottoms. They are hiring someone to fulfill a fantasy of being submissive. If that's not what you're looking for you'll be putting yourself in a pretty small niche on camera but you can find people that want what you want.

Unfortunately because many clients don't always have the terminology or even the words to describe what it is they want they just use the most commonly/broadly used terms. So "Mistress" instead of "female top" is going to come easier (and also sound sexier). We have to get good at talking stuff through and finding out more before we barge ahead.

Side note, careful using 'pegging-faggot' (the term you used earlier) as faggot is a HIGHLY offensive slur used specifically for gay men. It's not something to use flippantly. Pegging works just fine, and we call it pegging on cam too.

 

[Sillykitty]

I dont believe anything I do is true mistress/ domination/ dominatrix at all. In fact, I dont let them even call me mistress. Like I said in my post, I cater to fetishes. I fulfill a role, and I enjoy it immensely.

I see more lifestyle dominatrixes being successful on phones, but then again I put more time and effort to learn about phones than I did cam, so I could be completely incorrect... I've gotten like 2 members (saw pros irl) who actually wanted tasks/humiliation/tributing/paypig/blackmail type stuff, wanted to be called "fag*ot" (which I refuse to say, as a queer person myself) and I referred them to someone else because I knew I wouldnt give them the lifestyle experience that they wanted.

You can lament all day that members or other performers arent doing what you think they should, are using terms wrong, arent labeling themselves correctly etc, but i think you'll just continue to be aggravated and disappointed. What's cool about this industry is you can literally do what you want, and be successful. I'm sure if you stick with the professional dominatix, you will find people who are so stoked they found you. But as with anything in this industry, you'll have to filter a lot of the other stuff out as well.

 

[RoseAnnne]

Side note, careful using 'pegging-faggot' (the term you used earlier) as faggot is a HIGHLY offensive slur used specifically for gay men. It's not something to use flippantly. Pegging works just fine, and we call it pegging on cam too.

Yes i see that. I mean my native language is spanish somewords have different meanings, I'll keep that in mind. I did not know hahahaha. Ok.

About the rest, That answer comforts me more. But as I say, I must learn camming as domme because it is definitely not the same. And it's not bad, just that it's not the same and all this seemed very shocking (well, not anymore).

 

[RoseAnnne]

I would never do so over the internet because spending thousands a month with a 'look but no touch' caveat doesn't make sense to me when the same money can spend spent and have all the physicality I'm looking for

Fine dear. But that's vanila logic. Must to understand that. That's not sub-dom. Just don't.

 

[RoseAnnne]

I dont believe anything I do is true mistress/ domination/ dominatrix at all. In fact, I dont let them even call me mistress. Like I said in my post, I cater to fetishes. I fulfill a role, and I enjoy it immensely.

I see more lifestyle dominatrixes being successful on phones, but then again I put more time and effort to learn about phones than I did cam, so I could be completely incorrect... I've gotten like 2 members (saw pros irl) who actually wanted tasks/humiliation/tributing/paypig/blackmail type stuff, wanted to be called "fag*ot" (which I refuse to say, as a queer person myself) and I referred them to someone else because I knew I wouldnt give them the lifestyle experience that they wanted.

You can lament all day that members or other performers arent doing what you think they should, are using terms wrong, arent labeling themselves correctly etc, but i think you'll just continue to be aggravated and disappointed. What's cool about this industry is you can literally do what you want, and be successful. I'm sure if you stick with the professional dominatix, you will find people who are so stoked they found you. But as with anything in this industry, you'll have to filter a lot of the other stuff out as well.

I'll say it in simple words:

This is not about lamentations. It is not correct to summarize my doubt to "do what you want" or to believe that the problem is only of names and concepts. I'm not blaming you, I'm talking about the submissive ones, they call themselves submissive when at the first order of servitude (within their limits) they get scared and go to look for a "real dominatrix", like you for example (don't care if u call yourself or not), which is what that many have told me, "you're not a real domme". So, I'm here asking what the submissive on camera understands by "real domme". I think if it were to stop "complaining" this forum would not exist.

 

[LaceyRoyce]

So, I'm here asking what the submissive on camera understands by "real domme".

some subs will not understand what any of it means, however the terminology you might use to try to indicate your preference for service oriented subs is "Lifestyle Dominant/Domme" even though in some communities this may mean 'non professional' on cam sites it will signify that being dominant is not something you switch on or off for scenes and that you're looking for people similarly wired.

 

[funkmasta]

Simply put, the type of "dominant men" who do this, are just picks who don't respect women or their orientation. You get them in IRL BDSM scenes, too - the type with the attitude that no woman is TRULY dominant, and we're all just waiting for the right man to come along and put us in our place (very close to the attitude some particularly annoying straight men have toward lesbians).


These ones are, there's no good way to put it, stupid. One or more of the following is going on:

* They think we're all fetish robots who will pop into whatever role they want
* They're new to BDSM and respond to any remotely kinky thing they see with "omg, a woman who will domme me"
* All of the blood has drained from their head to their dick and they're not thinking

I think another factor would be their desire to be dommed by a non-niche model. A lot of these men likely want to be dominated in their everyday life but are too insecure to bring it up with their SO, so when seeking out a domme online they might look for women who aren't specifically advertising that specific fetish. It likely plays into their fantasy of being dominated by that cute girl at work instead of the prodomme at the dungeon.

I could be 100% wrong here. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Sillykitty]

I was speaking in generalizations when I said "do what you want". I mean as cam models we have a broad spectrum of niches and roles that we can fall into. There is totally a place for you as a lifestyle dominatrix, it just might come with having to filter out who you want to have shows with depending on mutual expectations. People are always going to tell you that you arent this or that. At the end of the day, if they arent serving your hustle, are bringing you or your room down, or wasting your time- just block them. If I've offended you, I apologize, it certainly was not my intention- im only speaking from my experience as a cammodel/pso that works only in fetish categories, and of course my experiences and expectations are only my own.

 

[Sansa]

I dont believe anything I do is true mistress/ domination/ dominatrix at all. In fact, I dont let them even call me mistress. Like I said in my post, I cater to fetishes. I fulfill a role, and I enjoy it immensely.

I see more lifestyle dominatrixes being successful on phones, but then again I put more time and effort to learn about phones than I did cam, so I could be completely incorrect... I've gotten like 2 members (saw pros irl) who actually wanted tasks/humiliation/tributing/paypig/blackmail type stuff, wanted to be called "fag*ot" (which I refuse to say, as a queer person myself) and I referred them to someone else because I knew I wouldnt give them the lifestyle experience that they wanted.

You can lament all day that members or other performers arent doing what you think they should, are using terms wrong, arent labeling themselves correctly etc, but i think you'll just continue to be aggravated and disappointed. What's cool about this industry is you can literally do what you want, and be successful. I'm sure if you stick with the professional dominatix, you will find people who are so stoked they found you. But as with anything in this industry, you'll have to filter a lot of the other stuff out as well.

To the first part, agreed. If I were to be absolutely technical about what I do, it's femdom roleplay with the occasional lifestyle sub regular. Some of my favourite privates are the kind where the member is highly interactive and asks very specific questions about what I would make him do. This kind of stuff gives me new ideas and more to work with during the show. I would never squelch this kind of behaviour.

Most visitors just want a show for a time where they can imagine that they're a lifestyle sub. It's not because they're bad at being submissive, but they perhaps have other things in life that get in the way, plus online interactions are really not the best format for lifestyle fetishes. It can be done of course, but it's not ideal.

And agreed that most of the time it's not true domination, especially since usually I'm fulfilling their requests or wants. Still, I do count a lot of one-off fetishes as domination since there is still a focus of me being in control, and ultimately what I do in a show is up to me.

The labels are really confusing for most, especially if they are not in the lifestyle. Most of the members who visit me are older or are only into humiliation, they visit camsites to pay for shows here and there when they have time and money. I'm not going to argue with them about something like labels when that time can be better spent making their experience more enjoyable. I have converted some into being the lifestyle sort, but totally fine with members who just want to pretend being submissive here and there. If I expected everyone to be a lifestyle sub, I think I would be very disappointed each day.

 

[RoseAnnne]

I think another factor would be their desire to be dommed by a non-niche model. A lot of these men likely want to be dominated in their everyday life but are too insecure to bring it up with their SO, so when seeking out a domme online they might look for women who aren't specifically advertising that specific fetish. It likely plays into their fantasy of being dominated by that cute girl at work instead of the prodomme at the dungeon.

I could be 100% wrong here. Just my 2 cents.

Yes friend! Maybe they think a domme is a femme fatale girl. Someone who uses femininity to tease and seduce, and not someone to serve.

 

[SaffronBurke]

To the first part, agreed. If I were to be absolutely technical about what I do, it's femdom roleplay with the occasional lifestyle sub regular. Some of my favourite privates are the kind where the member is highly interactive and asks very specific questions about what I would make him do. This kind of stuff gives me new ideas and more to work with during the show. I would never squelch this kind of behaviour.

Most visitors just want a show for a time where they can imagine that they're a lifestyle sub. It's not because they're bad at being submissive, but they perhaps have other things in life that get in the way, plus online interactions are really not the best format for lifestyle fetishes. It can be done of course, but it's not ideal.

And agreed that most of the time it's not true domination, especially since usually I'm fulfilling their requests or wants. Still, I do count a lot of one-off fetishes as domination since there is still a focus of me being in control, and ultimately what I do in a show is up to me.

The labels are really confusing for most, especially if they are not in the lifestyle. Most of the members who visit me are older or are only into humiliation, they visit camsites to pay for shows here and there when they have time and money. I'm not going to argue with them about something like labels when that time can be better spent making their experience more enjoyable. I have converted some into being the lifestyle sort, but totally fine with members who just want to pretend being submissive here and there. If I expected everyone to be a lifestyle sub, I think I would be very disappointed each day.

I very much agree. Comparing my experience being active in the local kink community, and watching how IRL sumbissives interact with their dominants, versus how subs on cam act, I would say that cam subs are mainly "topping from the bottom". That's a big no-no in some IRL circles, but it's fairly necessary on cam because it's not like we're in the same room so I can read their verbal and nonverbal cues to fully top.

 

[LaceyRoyce]

I very much agree. Comparing my experience being active in the local kink community, and watching how IRL sumbissives interact with their dominants, versus how subs on cam act, I would say that cam subs are mainly "topping from the bottom". That's a big no-no in some IRL circles, but it's fairly necessary on cam because it's not like we're in the same room so I can read their verbal and nonverbal cues to fully top.

this applies when being submissive on camera too. Even if I wanted to fully submit on camera, i always have to remain in some form of control because I'm the ONLY one who will be able to handle it if something goes wrong

 

[RoseAnnne]

Anyway. If I'm a bit disappointed in the virtual femdom world. And yes, although there is nothing wrong with that, if I feel that the BDSM is being affected.

A few days ago a boy came to my room, he explained to me that he had the fantasy that a strong woman would bind him and dominate him. I was happy, expert in Japanese bondage (shibari knots) that I wanted to combine with some minfuck and body worship POV, I told him that if he wanted to live the submissive, he had to follow my voice as if it were the pendulum of a clock, that he should prepare a hemp rope for the session, he told me he was ready. He did not last 2 minutes following my instructions, he just sat there masturbating like any vanilla boy, I even tried to follow him with a little JOI, nothing, completely ignored. When HE finished the session, he told me that I was not motivating him, that he needed cum, I told him I could not pretend to be submissive and do cum without permission. He got upset and left.

Beyond believing that sopy femdom because "I have control" of finishing a session, there is a lot of basic fetish knowledge, very interesting to learn and explore, to think that all that goes to waste or is scarce only because the vanillas are in the Wrong place is a bit unfair. I was thinking about offer a virtual course for subs, so that they learn that being dominated is less seduction and more servitude. All those fascinating knowledge about the human psyche and the kink world would like to be shared and enjoyed, and not wasted by clients to whom porn fused their brains.

But for now, I think that if I will be in that "false control" if what I want is to sell. I hope to have the luck to find submissive as good as in real life, someday.

 

[BadPrincessP]

I'm really glad I read this thread because I was planning on rebranding as a dom but now it seems like that won't be necessary. Back to the drawing board...