Background
So this is a hard topic. But, I had to take several months off of camming, and am trying to gear myself up to go back on. I could do it, any day. Like I'm busy, but I could MAKE the time. But every day, I end up putting it off.
I stopped because I got overwhelmed, burned out. I think I'm pretty good at it, seem to get a lot of very positive feedback, pull in regulars, make a little money. But I could be probably a lot more successful if I would be consistent, stay in it, really hone my craft. But the problem is, every time I'm in it, or even thinking about it like just reading and posting here, I start to spin out. It's so triggering for me of a lot of addictive tendencies.
I don't know that camming is unhealthy for me, because it actually solves a lot of problems - I THINK more than it causes for me. It allows me to be creative, work on skills that I want to that also are good to develop for other jobs/careers I may have in the future, engage with people, do things I enjoy, be positive for a few hours every day, stay in shape, and also be in control of my own employment to an extent. I would not do it if I thought it was going to be overall unhealthy for me.
I'm not addicted in any one way in particular, but it's more of an overall personality trait. If I went down the entire list of things this is triggering in me, it would give you an entire complex psychological profile of me, lol! But for example, I have always been a workaholic. This has served me well in my other careers. I'm great at pleasing my bosses, making money... but I'm the kind of person who ruins myself by having no balance in my life. In other jobs, that was kept at bay a bit because sooner or later the building closes, and to an extent I had to worry about the social stigma of always being there, trying to sleep at my desk so I didn't have to go home, never eating lunch with other people so I can continue working, etc. But camming, makes it harder to hold boundaries. I am not a person who has trouble being self-motivated. But I have trouble saying when enough is enough. If I don't force myself to hold to a strict schedule, I will work around the clock. Last time I was on, I set strict hours for myself. And then before I knew it, some guy would come in 2 minutes before I was about to log off and start dropping mad cash - more than I had made the whole shift. So, I felt compelled to stay. I noticed I started skipping meals so I could be on longer. I started staying up later, and then skipping sleep entirely because I was so wired from being on, I couldn't slow down after - all I could think about was how to improve my next show. I couldn't sleep anymore.
I'm not a person who is obsessed with money. I don't value it a whole lot. But, I really need it right now. I've got a lot of medical bills and things to pay. Hence, the camming. But, I do love to challenge myself, compete against myself. So I keep careful charts of all my work hours - including how much made, feedback people gave, what I wore, what I did, number of people in room, etc.etc.etc. And for me, it is really addicting to make a certain amount of money, and then try to improve on that the next day. Like, of course, it is reasonable that if I had a shit day and made very little, I would try to make more the next day. But that is very triggering, because then every day I want to find ways to make more than the last day. It's like a video game for me, constantly trying to make high score. Constantly trying to reach that high of when people were into you, when you made your personal best money. Being a cam model is like gambling (which, BTW, I've never been into because I felt I had no control in it, no personal stake, the only goal in traditional gambling is money- but this, this is like SUCCESS gambling, lol!). So one day you try to enter camming, unsure if you will do well, not having high expectations. You could have walked away with a small amount and been happy. But you do well, and it raises your confidence that you are going to be so successful, you're going to be rich, you're going to pay off all your bills. It might open up all kinds of career opportunities for you. Blah blah blah. The next day you come in and do the exact same things, same time slot, etc, and make virtually no money at all. What did I do wrong??? So, a determined model gets back in there, plays again, shoots to score. A few more bad days, and then an astronomically good day. Hooked again, I'm a genius, this is going to be amazing. I figured it out. Bad days again. I suck. What am I doing wrong? It's like playing a volatile stock market.
If you did any research beforehand, you know this is a long game, you can't attach your self worth too much to daily goals. You have to focus overall on being consistent. So I didn't take it too much to heart. But I can't help the dopamine chase of always trying to hit my next high, trying to best my last personal best. Trying to outdo my last top score - reach a new personal goal of followers, a new goal for highest single tip, a new goal for money/hr, a new goal for monthly earnings. It never ends.
A Variety of Addictions and Issues At Stake
I can't be the only one. I know plenty of us in sex work have complicated, dysfunctional pasts. For me, I have managed to avoid drug and alcohol addiction, but I was molested and beaten as a kid, and I have a past of eating disorders that I am trying hard not to ever go back to. I have not gotten into full-blown sex addiction, but I flirt on and off with it... and this is sort of a safe way of expressing that, because I'm not with any partners, I'm just doing it by myself. But no surprise, the comments customers make can be very triggering... certain things they say light up all the sensors in my brain that make me want to think about sex constantly, not just as a job, but as a way of getting approval, validation, affection, being good enough. Certain things they say make me want to chase that body approval again, to engage in unhealthy practices that go back to the eating disorder, to working out too much again. Oh, you think this part of my body looks good? You WAIT - next month it will look even better!...
I have noticed other models saying that they struggle with their depression with camming, or anxiety disorders. That maybe in certain ways the camming is making those worse.
I notice in other small ways, it triggers things. Like, I keep a small, tight budget. Because the whole point is, I'm trying to work off debt, I need the money. But, customers are forever asking for special outfits, or praising my wardrobe selection. I find myself spending a lot of time then perusing online deals for new things to add to my repertoire. It's even a little addicting to want to try new makeup or hair, new accessories, new sex toys, new tech upgrades, to see which works to bring in the most tips, the most new approval. I can see people who are super into shopping getting really lost in huge wardrobes, or buying fancy things from the money they make - to use on cam, or just to use off in your private life. I see top cam models all the time seem to have pressure put on them by customers to have new gadgets every week, to spend their money, and then of course many will offer to buy materialistic gifts for you to use on cam. But I would think this all might be kind of overwhelming for some people, the pressure to constantly keep up, or simply the financial ability to live a flashy life where you always look beautiful and like a celebrity of some kind.
The Future
I want my room to be a positive place,that celebrates REAL women with REAL sexuality. I want to be healthy, and happy. I want to be consistent, and have a balanced life, for this just to be a job. But I struggle. I've been avoiding going back into it, because I'm trying to come up with fool-proof plans first that I won't stop eating, I won't have them pay me to work out 8 hours a day on cam, I won't constantly try to best myself with money or approval, I won't let them control my sexuality and force me into a role to please others than in the end makes me feel very unhappy and like I'm betraying myself and my own values. But, for me, that's tough to do.
This time around, I was thinking I might be on for a month, and then force myself to stop for a week or even a few months if I feel I need to, to evaluate. Did I meet goals? Did I get too obsessive, and let this job run my life? Do I feel ok with myself, or do I feel I'm starting to hate myself for what I'm doing, and what other people are pressuring me to do just to earn? I am thinking I might not make a goal of making money at all this time, or just set a very low number. Like, just to stay on. Just to do whatever I want and have a good time. Make it entirely about me, not pleasing anyone else. Just gain a following again, slowly. Have genuine fun. Walk away when my time is up, no matter what money somebody suddenly offers me. Stay in control. I think that would be a lot more sustainable in the long run, and I may make just as much, if not more money, eventually, because my customers will be really loyal and appreciate that I'm actually having a great time. I have seen before that when I do that, it draws genuinely nice people, too.
Question
So, if you feel safe to share, does anyone else struggle with camming/sex work being triggering for them? Does it trigger your sex addiction, PTSD from past abuse, substance abuse problems, or eating disorders/body image issues, gambling addiction, workaholism, shopping addiction, etc. etc.? I'm not really a gamer, but anyone else feel it's like gaming, always trying to reach that top score? No surprise, is camming triggering those of you who already have a porn addiction, like to watch more of other people than you do broadcasting yourself, or to spend your money on other models?
I know, online porn is certainly addictive for many customers. But from our side, there is a reason it is really hard to get out of sex work, that a lot of women get in, and then don't get out until they are forced out. In camming, I see the potential for longevity to be a lot longer than in in-person types of sex work, because you can arrange camerawork to look a lot younger than you are, keep your following, and depending on what you do on cam you can avoid overusing yourself physically or putting yourself in risky situations. So there may be less forcing you to come to terms with the toll this all takes on you, and on your self-perception, other than your own vices and your own psychological baggage. There's less of an end date than say, an in-person prostitute. I believe that sex can be healthy, and that good sex work can even be a kind of crusade against the damaging images that are proliferated in the porn industry about women's bodies and sexuality around the world. We have the power to take good care of ourselves, while teaching people around the world about how to give a woman an orgasm, how to treat her with respect and kindness, how to see her as an actual person with feelings and her own intelligence and abilities, about the fact that women come with a wide range of sexual preferences and orientations and appearances and that all can be beautiful. Those who are men, or who fit unconventional genders or sexual orientations can also be positive role models.
But also, the world is very much into rewarding those with immediate gratification who ignore their own boundaries, push themselves to please others and not themselves, etc.
Hoping to start a conversation here. This can be a tough industry, that brings up a lot of personal issues, as much as it may bring money, power, or temporary solutions to one's problems.
So this is a hard topic. But, I had to take several months off of camming, and am trying to gear myself up to go back on. I could do it, any day. Like I'm busy, but I could MAKE the time. But every day, I end up putting it off.
I stopped because I got overwhelmed, burned out. I think I'm pretty good at it, seem to get a lot of very positive feedback, pull in regulars, make a little money. But I could be probably a lot more successful if I would be consistent, stay in it, really hone my craft. But the problem is, every time I'm in it, or even thinking about it like just reading and posting here, I start to spin out. It's so triggering for me of a lot of addictive tendencies.
I don't know that camming is unhealthy for me, because it actually solves a lot of problems - I THINK more than it causes for me. It allows me to be creative, work on skills that I want to that also are good to develop for other jobs/careers I may have in the future, engage with people, do things I enjoy, be positive for a few hours every day, stay in shape, and also be in control of my own employment to an extent. I would not do it if I thought it was going to be overall unhealthy for me.
I'm not addicted in any one way in particular, but it's more of an overall personality trait. If I went down the entire list of things this is triggering in me, it would give you an entire complex psychological profile of me, lol! But for example, I have always been a workaholic. This has served me well in my other careers. I'm great at pleasing my bosses, making money... but I'm the kind of person who ruins myself by having no balance in my life. In other jobs, that was kept at bay a bit because sooner or later the building closes, and to an extent I had to worry about the social stigma of always being there, trying to sleep at my desk so I didn't have to go home, never eating lunch with other people so I can continue working, etc. But camming, makes it harder to hold boundaries. I am not a person who has trouble being self-motivated. But I have trouble saying when enough is enough. If I don't force myself to hold to a strict schedule, I will work around the clock. Last time I was on, I set strict hours for myself. And then before I knew it, some guy would come in 2 minutes before I was about to log off and start dropping mad cash - more than I had made the whole shift. So, I felt compelled to stay. I noticed I started skipping meals so I could be on longer. I started staying up later, and then skipping sleep entirely because I was so wired from being on, I couldn't slow down after - all I could think about was how to improve my next show. I couldn't sleep anymore.
I'm not a person who is obsessed with money. I don't value it a whole lot. But, I really need it right now. I've got a lot of medical bills and things to pay. Hence, the camming. But, I do love to challenge myself, compete against myself. So I keep careful charts of all my work hours - including how much made, feedback people gave, what I wore, what I did, number of people in room, etc.etc.etc. And for me, it is really addicting to make a certain amount of money, and then try to improve on that the next day. Like, of course, it is reasonable that if I had a shit day and made very little, I would try to make more the next day. But that is very triggering, because then every day I want to find ways to make more than the last day. It's like a video game for me, constantly trying to make high score. Constantly trying to reach that high of when people were into you, when you made your personal best money. Being a cam model is like gambling (which, BTW, I've never been into because I felt I had no control in it, no personal stake, the only goal in traditional gambling is money- but this, this is like SUCCESS gambling, lol!). So one day you try to enter camming, unsure if you will do well, not having high expectations. You could have walked away with a small amount and been happy. But you do well, and it raises your confidence that you are going to be so successful, you're going to be rich, you're going to pay off all your bills. It might open up all kinds of career opportunities for you. Blah blah blah. The next day you come in and do the exact same things, same time slot, etc, and make virtually no money at all. What did I do wrong??? So, a determined model gets back in there, plays again, shoots to score. A few more bad days, and then an astronomically good day. Hooked again, I'm a genius, this is going to be amazing. I figured it out. Bad days again. I suck. What am I doing wrong? It's like playing a volatile stock market.
If you did any research beforehand, you know this is a long game, you can't attach your self worth too much to daily goals. You have to focus overall on being consistent. So I didn't take it too much to heart. But I can't help the dopamine chase of always trying to hit my next high, trying to best my last personal best. Trying to outdo my last top score - reach a new personal goal of followers, a new goal for highest single tip, a new goal for money/hr, a new goal for monthly earnings. It never ends.
A Variety of Addictions and Issues At Stake
I can't be the only one. I know plenty of us in sex work have complicated, dysfunctional pasts. For me, I have managed to avoid drug and alcohol addiction, but I was molested and beaten as a kid, and I have a past of eating disorders that I am trying hard not to ever go back to. I have not gotten into full-blown sex addiction, but I flirt on and off with it... and this is sort of a safe way of expressing that, because I'm not with any partners, I'm just doing it by myself. But no surprise, the comments customers make can be very triggering... certain things they say light up all the sensors in my brain that make me want to think about sex constantly, not just as a job, but as a way of getting approval, validation, affection, being good enough. Certain things they say make me want to chase that body approval again, to engage in unhealthy practices that go back to the eating disorder, to working out too much again. Oh, you think this part of my body looks good? You WAIT - next month it will look even better!...
I have noticed other models saying that they struggle with their depression with camming, or anxiety disorders. That maybe in certain ways the camming is making those worse.
I notice in other small ways, it triggers things. Like, I keep a small, tight budget. Because the whole point is, I'm trying to work off debt, I need the money. But, customers are forever asking for special outfits, or praising my wardrobe selection. I find myself spending a lot of time then perusing online deals for new things to add to my repertoire. It's even a little addicting to want to try new makeup or hair, new accessories, new sex toys, new tech upgrades, to see which works to bring in the most tips, the most new approval. I can see people who are super into shopping getting really lost in huge wardrobes, or buying fancy things from the money they make - to use on cam, or just to use off in your private life. I see top cam models all the time seem to have pressure put on them by customers to have new gadgets every week, to spend their money, and then of course many will offer to buy materialistic gifts for you to use on cam. But I would think this all might be kind of overwhelming for some people, the pressure to constantly keep up, or simply the financial ability to live a flashy life where you always look beautiful and like a celebrity of some kind.
The Future
I want my room to be a positive place,that celebrates REAL women with REAL sexuality. I want to be healthy, and happy. I want to be consistent, and have a balanced life, for this just to be a job. But I struggle. I've been avoiding going back into it, because I'm trying to come up with fool-proof plans first that I won't stop eating, I won't have them pay me to work out 8 hours a day on cam, I won't constantly try to best myself with money or approval, I won't let them control my sexuality and force me into a role to please others than in the end makes me feel very unhappy and like I'm betraying myself and my own values. But, for me, that's tough to do.
This time around, I was thinking I might be on for a month, and then force myself to stop for a week or even a few months if I feel I need to, to evaluate. Did I meet goals? Did I get too obsessive, and let this job run my life? Do I feel ok with myself, or do I feel I'm starting to hate myself for what I'm doing, and what other people are pressuring me to do just to earn? I am thinking I might not make a goal of making money at all this time, or just set a very low number. Like, just to stay on. Just to do whatever I want and have a good time. Make it entirely about me, not pleasing anyone else. Just gain a following again, slowly. Have genuine fun. Walk away when my time is up, no matter what money somebody suddenly offers me. Stay in control. I think that would be a lot more sustainable in the long run, and I may make just as much, if not more money, eventually, because my customers will be really loyal and appreciate that I'm actually having a great time. I have seen before that when I do that, it draws genuinely nice people, too.
Question
So, if you feel safe to share, does anyone else struggle with camming/sex work being triggering for them? Does it trigger your sex addiction, PTSD from past abuse, substance abuse problems, or eating disorders/body image issues, gambling addiction, workaholism, shopping addiction, etc. etc.? I'm not really a gamer, but anyone else feel it's like gaming, always trying to reach that top score? No surprise, is camming triggering those of you who already have a porn addiction, like to watch more of other people than you do broadcasting yourself, or to spend your money on other models?
I know, online porn is certainly addictive for many customers. But from our side, there is a reason it is really hard to get out of sex work, that a lot of women get in, and then don't get out until they are forced out. In camming, I see the potential for longevity to be a lot longer than in in-person types of sex work, because you can arrange camerawork to look a lot younger than you are, keep your following, and depending on what you do on cam you can avoid overusing yourself physically or putting yourself in risky situations. So there may be less forcing you to come to terms with the toll this all takes on you, and on your self-perception, other than your own vices and your own psychological baggage. There's less of an end date than say, an in-person prostitute. I believe that sex can be healthy, and that good sex work can even be a kind of crusade against the damaging images that are proliferated in the porn industry about women's bodies and sexuality around the world. We have the power to take good care of ourselves, while teaching people around the world about how to give a woman an orgasm, how to treat her with respect and kindness, how to see her as an actual person with feelings and her own intelligence and abilities, about the fact that women come with a wide range of sexual preferences and orientations and appearances and that all can be beautiful. Those who are men, or who fit unconventional genders or sexual orientations can also be positive role models.
But also, the world is very much into rewarding those with immediate gratification who ignore their own boundaries, push themselves to please others and not themselves, etc.
Hoping to start a conversation here. This can be a tough industry, that brings up a lot of personal issues, as much as it may bring money, power, or temporary solutions to one's problems.
