Boyfriend/Fiance/Husband Support Group?

[ClementineXO]

Hi Amber and ACF friends

I was wondering if anyone here knew of a support group for significant others who have a frustrating time dealing with the cam business. If not, maybe we could start a discussion. Particularly I am interested in how men (or women) in relationships cope with jealousy/animosity, what boundaries have been placed in your relationships, what online/offline behavior has become an issue, etc. Does it matter if you start camming while already in the relationship, versus having already been a model before beginning the relationship?

Amber I wasn't sure where to post this, hope this is ok.

 

[Shaun__]

I do not see any need to be jealous of the members like me. No matter how much money I give or gifts I buy she is not going to be sleeping in my arms at the end of the day.

 

[Rose]

^ That's exactly how my stunt cock feels about it. He views it as a healthy outlet for my high sex drive and is happy that it helps bring our sex life to a level playing ground. Plus if he'd rather just masturbate he can easily watch any of my videos instead of searching for porn online and he says that makes things easier and funner for him. :twocents-02cents:

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I was already camming when I met my current bf. He put it this way, "The guys on Tumblr get to know your secrets. The guys on twitter are updated on everything you are doing. The guys on MFC get your personality and virtual sex. At the end of the day, what do I have? I just get physical sex and they get the rest." He was absolutely right. Some guys may be okay with their gfs giving it all away, and others are not. That's okay and I absolutely hate it when people see it as wrong to have those feelings. So we sat down and decided that I was going to "save" dominance for him. I no longer get dominated on cam and leave that special part for him, and him alone. It was a compromise. I also do not develop strong friendships outside of camming (texting, talking on the phone, etc). I take sexy pictures and videos for him, just like I do for the guys online. Why should I treat a stranger better than the love of my life? Both partners should feel comfortable in the relationship. If you don't view yourself as a PARTNER in a relationship, and more as your own person, stay single. It's about two people acting as one.

 

[Evvie]

There are a lot of posts about this in the model's only section but I haven't seen any lately.

Reactions of SOs seem to vary by person. From what I've seen, the more ladies talk about how much they like their members, all the fun stuff they do, and how awesome Mr. Shaun is because he's just the bestest member ever and he leaves so many cute tip notes and his dirty talk is so sexy, significant others seem to have bigger problems. Some models have their SO very involved in their cam life and they never seem to have issues. Some models don't talk to their SO about their cam life or lie to them that it happens at all. There are all kinds.

In my life, Mr. Evvie really doesn't care at all. He is the type of fellow that goes out and sees a new woman every week, so he does not feel emasculated or worried about what I do. I've been with him for just over two years now and he doesn't see an hour or two of online interaction every day as a threat to his status as Number One Man.

On the other hand, people are people. Even the biggest manly man or most confident partner can feel unloved, unappreciated, or left out. I pay a lot of attention to Mr. Evvie so I can pick up on any cues that he just needs a little snuggle time. I also avoid talking a great deal about my shows and MFC friends because I don't want him to feel left out. It's not a situation of "I can't talk about what I want to make sure he stays happy," but rather, I recognize that if he went on and on about the great times he had with his friends at a party I wasn't invited to, I might feel left out, even if I didn't want to go in the first place.

As far as other issues... I suppose folks might develop an issue with camming if they truly aren't comfortable with the concept or they're uneducated about it. At some point it might come down to "do I want my boyfriend or my job?" but I think (hopefully) most models don't have to reach that stage.

 

[Jupiter551]

I was already camming when I met my current bf. He put it this way, "The guys on Tumblr get to know your secrets. The guys on twitter are updated on everything you are doing. The guys on MFC get your personality and virtual sex. At the end of the day, what do I have? I just get physical sex and they get the rest."

I get what you're saying but surely he doesn't just get sex, what about intimacy - the kind that can't be paid for? What about love? The luxury (and it really is a luxury) of spending time with the person you're in love with. No cam member is ever going to get those things (nor should they).

 

[JickyJuly]

Because I support my husband financially through camming and throw down on a lot of bills that do not pertain to me, if he felt the need to join a "support group" to handle my job, I'd probably explode in anger. Now, if he wants to join a group for husbands with bad tempered wives, fine. But, if I'm working and paying, there's no way I'm going to let someone who benefits from my work treat me like a burden. :angry4: Ahh. I'm a peach today. Hehehe.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I was already camming when I met my current bf. He put it this way, "The guys on Tumblr get to know your secrets. The guys on twitter are updated on everything you are doing. The guys on MFC get your personality and virtual sex. At the end of the day, what do I have? I just get physical sex and they get the rest."

I get what you're saying but surely he doesn't just get sex, what about intimacy - the kind that can't be paid for? What about love? The luxury (and it really is a luxury) of spending time with the person you're in love with. No cam member is ever going to get those things (nor should they).

Because we both work and sleep, I technically spend more time with the members than him. When you include doing content, tweeting, tumblr, answering messages, skypes, etc. Some cam members have said they were in love with me and they get more time with me than he does. You have to see where he's coming from there.

 

[Always_Tim]

Because I support my husband financially through camming and throw down on a lot of bills that do not pertain to me, if he felt the need to join a "support group" to handle my job, I'd probably explode in anger. Now, if he wants to join a group for husbands with bad tempered wives, fine. But, if I'm working and paying, there's no way I'm going to let someone who benefits from my work treat me like a burden. :angry4: Ahh. I'm a peach today. Hehehe.

I think I see where you're coming from on this, but regardless of money issues, the idea of a support group for spouses/boyfriends of camgirls seems pretty reasonable to me. There's no reason that the fact that you're supporting him would obviate his anxieties; if anything it's quite possible that it could spur a certain amount of resentment on his part. If your man doesn't have any issues at all with your camming, then that's great! He's a keeper! Seriously, I think that would be pretty rare.

There are some pretty obvious emotional issues that could arise for any guy in that situation. Jealousy of all types, clearly, but also feelings of neglect (if camming takes away a lot of the model's time and energy), insecurity, resentment, confusion, and depression, just to name a few. Sure, a lot of those issues may be unjustified logicially, but logic tends not to hold much sway when it comes to strong emotions.

I'm sure that if my girlfriend were to start camming I'd experiene all sorts of emotions in reaction. A group for those guys seems not only entirely reasonable to me, but probably a good idea. Being able to meet and talk with others who are in the same boat is useful in all sorts of emotionally charged situations, and I can't see why this would be an exception.

 

[Nordling]

Lamely putting my foot on my other shoe....

If my gf/wife/lover/whomever joined a "support group" so she could tolerate what I do for a living, I can't help but think it would create MORE stress and maybe even suggest it's time for us to part.

 

[JickyJuly]

I'm a bit of a grouchy pants and heavily doped up on hormones. So, my take on things might not be the sanest. BUT I've dated all sorts of dudes with all sorts of jobs from pizza joints, metal bands, construction, retail, advertisement... ramble ramble. As long as it's legal and not dangerous, saying anything but "Thanks!" when a bill gets paid seems rude.

Different people have different passions which may or may not include what they do for work. If one partner needs help dealing with the others' way of life, it seems much more stand up to just admit that maybe things don't mesh than to join a group in order to carry the burden of being with them. I wouldn't dream of joining a support group for women whose husbands receive SSDI or retirement. That wouldn't do anything but make my husband feel inadequate or guilty.

 

[Shaun__]

I was already camming when I met my current bf. He put it this way, "The guys on Tumblr get to know your secrets. The guys on twitter are updated on everything you are doing. The guys on MFC get your personality and virtual sex. At the end of the day, what do I have? I just get physical sex and they get the rest."

I get what you're saying but surely he doesn't just get sex, what about intimacy - the kind that can't be paid for? What about love? The luxury (and it really is a luxury) of spending time with the person you're in love with. No cam member is ever going to get those things (nor should they).

Because we both work and sleep, I technically spend more time with the members than him. When you include doing content, tweeting, tumblr, answering messages, skypes, etc. Some cam members have said they were in love with me and they get more time with me than he does. You have to see where he's coming from there.

When a model I knew lost her mother I was able to send her flowers with a card giving my support. She needed a shoulder to cry on, and even knowing her address I could not give that to her. I could never be that person, because I was not invited into that part of her life. That is what I am, flowers that wilt and die. I am caring or silly words on a screen. I am a face wearing a mask to scare off the timid

. If you can not compete with that you do not deserve what you have.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

I think in that situation if there were a support group where boyfriends could talk to each other either they'd reassure each other or convince each other it wasn't right for them. I guess it'd lead them to making a decision, but really I think if you're the kind of person who'll have that many issues then either the relationship is not for you or simply having a look at this forum would reassure you.

JickyJuly I am with you in that if I went out with someone and paid for them and then they started moaning about my job (but not about me paying the bills) I would be extremely annoyed! The majority of men would feel insecure/jealous etc about this kind of job, just like the majority of girls would feel too nervous to ever cam in the first place. If you are the kind of man who has insecurities to begin with, then dating a cam girl (usually) just isn't for you as chances are it'd make them worse. If you're completely confident/happy with yourself then you usually won't get jealous/have those issues.
A lot of people constantly wonder if their partner is looking at other people/cheating on them. I know a fair amount of girls who've gone out with guys who can't stand other men so much as looking at them. I'm single atm and am very upfront with what I do because I know that if I'm ever going to become involved with someone, they need to be completely ok with what I do, not just because I told them it's ok and they love me, but because that's the sort of person they are.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I was already camming when I met my current bf. He put it this way, "The guys on Tumblr get to know your secrets. The guys on twitter are updated on everything you are doing. The guys on MFC get your personality and virtual sex. At the end of the day, what do I have? I just get physical sex and they get the rest."

I get what you're saying but surely he doesn't just get sex, what about intimacy - the kind that can't be paid for? What about love? The luxury (and it really is a luxury) of spending time with the person you're in love with. No cam member is ever going to get those things (nor should they).

Because we both work and sleep, I technically spend more time with the members than him. When you include doing content, tweeting, tumblr, answering messages, skypes, etc. Some cam members have said they were in love with me and they get more time with me than he does. You have to see where he's coming from there.

When a model I knew lost her mother I was able to send her flowers with a card giving my support. She needed a shoulder to cry on, and even knowing her address I could not give that to her. I could never be that person, because I was not invited into that part of her life. That is what I am, flowers that wilt and die. I am caring or silly words on a screen. I am a face wearing a mask to scare off the timid

. If you can not compete with that you do not deserve what you have.

Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with the members. My bf is very good at turning off his cell phone when he comes home from work and he owns his own company. If he were to stay "working" even while at home, I would feel the same way he does when I have to. It wouldn't be because I fear he loves his employees more than I, but that I want him when he gets home to myself.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

Because I support my husband financially through camming and throw down on a lot of bills that do not pertain to me, if he felt the need to join a "support group" to handle my job, I'd probably explode in anger. Now, if he wants to join a group for husbands with bad tempered wives, fine. But, if I'm working and paying, there's no way I'm going to let someone who benefits from my work treat me like a burden. :angry4: Ahh. I'm a peach today. Hehehe.

I think I see where you're coming from on this, but regardless of money issues, the idea of a support group for spouses/boyfriends of camgirls seems pretty reasonable to me. There's no reason that the fact that you're supporting him would obviate his anxieties; if anything it's quite possible that it could spur a certain amount of resentment on his part. If your man doesn't have any issues at all with your camming, then that's great! He's a keeper! Seriously, I think that would be pretty rare.

There are some pretty obvious emotional issues that could arise for any guy in that situation. Jealousy of all types, clearly, but also feelings of neglect (if camming takes away a lot of the model's time and energy), insecurity, resentment, confusion, and depression, just to name a few. Sure, a lot of those issues may be unjustified logicially, but logic tends not to hold much sway when it comes to strong emotions.

I'm sure that if my girlfriend were to start camming I'd experiene all sorts of emotions in reaction. A group for those guys seems not only entirely reasonable to me, but probably a good idea. Being able to meet and talk with others who are in the same boat is useful in all sorts of emotionally charged situations, and I can't see why this would be an exception.

:thumbleft:

 

[southsamurai]

support groups arent just a place to complain. ive been in a couple. a support group is only a support group if it is led by a mediator of some kind, usually someone with training in psychology or similar. this leader is there to keep things from becoming a festival where everyone just feeds into each other's problems. they are there to give direction to the discussions. to give useful coping techniques with the problems that arise with whatever the group is centered on. secondarily, the airing of one's pain in a supportive circle is very healing. it often leads to resolution of the issues themselves simply by airing things out with people who arent going to be hurt or angered by what you say. on-line support groups that are really support groups are always moderated. if they arent then they arent the real thing. this isnt the same thing as group therapy, but the overall effect should be similar.

when you have a problem with something like your SO's job the feelings can fester underneath the surface very easily. ask any ex spouse of a cop. or a fireman, or a soldier. yes i just drew a comparison between those jobs and that of a cam model. other than the immediate danger of those jobs there are more similarities than you would think. they all take huge amounts of time away from the SO. they all require that the person doing them have a mind set that is different from the rest of the populace to do it. they are also jobs that are very hard to leave at the office (heck you could throw nursing and medicine into the mix as well, trust me on that one, or ask my exes)
because of that the idea of a true support group for SOs isnt ridiculous, on the contrary it may well be a wonderful thing. we men have chemical and physiological difficulty expressing emotion. comes with the testosterone, penis and male pattern balding ya know. add in the socialization to repress our emotions and its worse. often it takes being around other guys who wont question the fact that our difficulty in expression is in itself proof of those very real, very strong emotions. a lot of folk assume that because a guy cant say what he feels fluidly when the emotion is strong that he is for some reason feeling less. its just the way our brains are built for the most part.

so now look at the SO of a cam model again. hes hurt/angry/upset by the side effects of his lovely partner's job. he lives with/dates this wonderful, beautiful woman. he most likely loves her very much, or why would he fight that pain to stay with her? he sees her spending time with other men in a world where monogamy is expected. if he were to do the same actions (he assumes) he would be dumped in a minute. and he cant talk to the model love about it because how can you complain about a job? would she complain that his job mowing lawns makes him sweaty and stinky at the end of the day? or that his job taking care of the sick, disabled and dying makes him come home tired and emotionally spent? well, maybe she would! ive had it happen to me. often once the hurt was too big it would end things.
this guy (who may be reaping the financial benefits of camming) feels like he's begging for emotional scraps at the table. add in that in the current economy you dont leave a job thats paying the bills. now add in that in america and most of the western world the view is that the man is supposed to be the main money earner, to provide for his family. you have a set up for hurt that is eventually going to come to a head. where is the guy in this situation supposed to give vent? cant talk to the lady about it, its her job. cant talk to random buddies about it (if you cant understand why not, then thats another discussion entirely) the choices are to go to a shrink, implode, explode or leave. a good support group would be a nice option to have in there wouldnt it?

and yes, im a poet, a writer (if amateur) gifted with words when im not stoned to the gills on pain meds. i still have trouble when my emotions are flying high in getting them to make sense to the outside world. and hell ive done therapy, studied psychology.

 

[Just Me]

A support group like this does not make much sense in my mind. This would be like having a support group for relationships or marriage. You have the person there, talk to them. If you need a support group to talk about things you should be discussing with a significant other, you might consider couples therapy.

 

[bob]

Lamely putting my foot on my other shoe....

If my gf/wife/lover/whomever joined a "support group" so she could tolerate what I do for a living, I can't help but think it would create MORE stress and maybe even suggest it's time for us to part.

yeah....sorry...but the idea of a support group feels so much like something that exists because of someone who is recovering from something.

if the relationship is that strained, i don't see a support group as a solution, unless you need the strength and understanding to leave the relationship

:twocents-02cents:

 

[mynameisbob84]

Thing is, the only guys who would join such a group are doods who (for whatever reason) have a problem with their SO camming. That kind of environment is only going to enforce what reservations they have about the camming world, and lead to them discovering new reasons to feel bad about the whole thing ("I don't like my girlfriend camming" "I don't like my girlfriend camming" "Wow, I thought maybe I was being paranoid, but if you guys worry too..." "Hey, some member proposed to my girlfriend!" "Shit, what if some guy proposes to my girlfriend?" etc. etc.)

Plus, if a guy really is that bothered about his ladyfriend camming, he needs to discuss it with her and they need to sort things out together (or discover that they can't sort things out and end the relationship, I guess)
:twocents-02cents:

 

[southsamurai]

A support group like this does not make much sense in my mind. This would be like having a support group for relationships or marriage. You have the person there, talk to them. If you need a support group to talk about things you should be discussing with a significant other, you might consider couples therapy.

absolutely couples therapy would be more beneficial. it usually is. and hell the relationship doesnty have to be in trouble for it to be helpful even.

 

[southsamurai]

again, i see a problem with a lack of understanding what a support group actually is. thats ok, its like a lot of things. until you either go to one yourself or study how they are run from the clinical side its confusing. but i promise, cross my heart and all that, a support group is meant to help resolve problems, not just sit around a bitch and moan. thats why there is supposed to be a monitor/mediator/therapist etc in charge.

i should point out as always that im dealing with the subject at hand from an objective (as much as any human can be) perspective. i've got no dog in the show so to speak

 

[Nordling]

I don't think it's so much a misunderstanding of what a support group is so much as the problem with someone even GOING to one because someone can't handle their SO's JOB. We're not talking about alcoholism, abuse or anything kindred...but that someone is so upset by what their SO does for a living that they need to go OUTSIDE the relationship for "help." One exception might be if your loved one is a cop, e.g. ...and you can't handle the worry over the DANGERS to that person's life when they're not at home.

Certainly, mileage may vary depending on the individual couple; for some, yeah, it might just be the ticket. But I'm guessing the one with the job won't feel all that thrilled in most cases.

 

[RedHerby]

If my gf/wife/lover/whomever joined a "support group" so she could tolerate what I do for a living, I can't help but think it would create MORE stress and maybe even suggest it's time for us to part.

I would be proud that whatever problems she has, she is willing to make an effort to solve it and stay with me.

mind problems / feelings are not logical and reasonable, just the fact the SO take actions to work it out is positive.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

If my gf/wife/lover/whomever joined a "support group" so she could tolerate what I do for a living, I can't help but think it would create MORE stress and maybe even suggest it's time for us to part.

I would be proud that whatever problems she has, she is willing to make an effort to solve it and stay with me.

mind problems / feelings are not logical and reasonable, just the fact the SO take actions to work it out is positive.

Definitely! Many men are afraid to talk about their feelings or show they have a problem. They hold it in, and explode later. I think recognizing those feelings, logical or not, and seeking support to resolve them is awesome!

 

[LindseyDoll]

I like this thread. A lot of you have had some pretty thoughtful things to say so far.
Here's my :twocents-02cents:
I've never done things the "normal" way, neither does my man. When we got engaged when I was 18, and he was 19, we decided to still sleep with other people. We're young, we want to experience as much as possible in life, we don't want to worry about jealousy, or feeling stuck only with one sexual partner for the rest of our lives.
So when I said that I was camming, he didn't mind. He doesn't get jealous, and thinks that it's cool that he gets to be with a cam girl.

 

[RogueWarrior]

Now I need a support group because my support group is not being supportive enough.

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm a bit too old to understand all this touchy-feely crap. If you're not man enough to be proud of the fact that your lady is freakin' hot enough, has so much personality to have tokens showered upon her and yet chooses YOU to (figuratively) come home to every night, then a support group will only support your feelings of inadequacy.

I'm in a permanent relationship now with someone who is not in the adult industry. In my past I have dated strippers (this was before the proliferation of cam sites). I knew they were strippers. If that was an issue for me, I would not have dated them.

Meh, now I have to go yell at the damned kids to get out of my yard.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

Now I need a support group because my support group is not being supportive enough.

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm a bit too old to understand all this touchy-feely crap. If you're not man enough

...to realize your human, with human feelings, you need a reality check.

 

[JickyJuly]

Now I need a support group because my support group is not being supportive enough.

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm a bit too old to understand all this touchy-feely crap. If you're not man enough

...to realize your human, with human feelings, you need a reality check.

Support groups are for learning coping mechanisms for real life issues. If you need a coping mechanism to feel okay with how your partner makes a living, they aren't the partner for you. It has nothing to do with getting in touch with your emotions or humanity. Your emotions are your own and you have a right to them. You don't, however, have a right to put them on the person you're with if they are happy with who they are and what they do.

 

[AllisonWilder]

I was in a serious relationship when I started camming, it was weird at first because my boyfriend didn't understand it. I sat him down, showed him my side, explained what exactly I was doing and discussed the financial aspect. Once he understood that I wasn't cheating or something crazy, he was more than okay with it.

I would be really hurt if he felt like he needed a support group to deal with my job. I would be upset that he couldn't just come to me and talk about his feelings. I'm more than open with him about my job, even trying to get him to help with what he can.

I know that having a few guys to talk to would probably be nice for him, but really, at the end of the day, I'm supposed to be his partner and everything that entails. I'm supposed to be his support group.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

Now I need a support group because my support group is not being supportive enough.

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm a bit too old to understand all this touchy-feely crap. If you're not man enough

...to realize your human, with human feelings, you need a reality check.

Support groups are for learning coping mechanisms for real life issues. If you need a coping mechanism to feel okay with how your partner makes a living, they aren't the partner for you. It has nothing to do with getting in touch with your emotions or humanity. Your emotions are your own and you have a right to them. You don't, however, have a right to put them on the person you're with if they are happy with who they are and what they do.

It all depends on if your job is who you are, or if you are simply a worker. I am simply a sex worker. My job is not who I am and does not define me. If my partner isn't fully okay with everything in my job, it Does not mean he is not the right person for me. If he is uncomfortable with something and we are partners, which for me me means one person, I make it so that we are both comfortable. Meet half way. If he wanted to seek out other guys to talk to in a uplifting way and feel as though he is not alone, I would be all for it.