Asking people out...

[karma-land]

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but at age 25, I have never gone on a date with a woman. Not because everybody turned me down, but because I never tried to get a date, period. During college I was pretty much to myself most of the time, avoiding social circles. It didn't help that I was too shy to even try asking anyone out.

Anyway, I'm trying to fix that right now. Anyone have tips on how to find dates? People suggested bars, but I don't drink alcohol, so I'm wondering if that will help me.

Also, I'm wondering if any ladies has views on one-night stands, and men asking them about it. I don't want to be a creep, so I'm wondering if there's a time where you can ask. Otherwise, I won't bother if it's a skeevy thing to do. (Yes, I'm aware of the irony of me asking this question in a forum dedicated to cam girls )

Sorry if these questions are really obvious, but I'm very inexperienced about this.

 

[mynameisbob84]

Dating sites are probably your best bet, yo. Everybody on the site is there for the specific purpose of finding dates, so that should hopefully take a lot of the awkwardness out of things.

 

[JerryBoBerry]

Dating sites are probably your best bet, yo. Everybody on the site is there for the specific purpose of finding dates, so that should hopefully take a lot of the awkwardness out of things.

I hear good things about some dating site named Ashley Madison. Might be worth a look.

 

[Sevrin]

Well, if you have never, been out a woman then the first ice you need to break isn't with the women, but with you. I don't normally recommend this, but maybe you could hire an escort for an evening out. You don't need to bed her, just be yourself and talk with her. She won't care. It would be money well spent just to have the experience of spending time socially one-on-one with a living, breathing female.

 

[MFCGod]

If your goal is to find a partner, personally I wouldn't approach it looking for dates, id go out looking to make friends and then see what happens organically

Maybe join some local clubs/activities, meet people you have a common interest with, maybe some of those will be interesting women

Maybe you will meet someone you like, or maybe you will meet someone you like via someone you met - making a friend and being introduced to their friendship group

Or as said above, just go the internet route

Actually I will start an interesting thread for you.. maybe it will help

 

[karma-land]

Well, if you have never, been out a woman then the first ice you need to break isn't with the women, but with you. I don't normally recommend this, but maybe you could hire an escort for an evening out. You don't need to bed her, just be yourself and talk with her. She won't care. It would be money well spent just to have the experience of spending time socially one-on-one with a living, breathing female.

Huh, I never really considered hiring an escort. I don't know if there are any where I live (I live in a small town), but I suppose that's an option I can consider.

Anyone here have experience with one-night stands, out of curiosity?

 

[Vera]

Eh. One night stands aren't usually that much fun, honestly. Good sex usually takes time-- part of the fun of a relationship (and yes, longterm fuckbuddies apply) is learning what makes your partner tick. I really do like the idea of an escort, especially if you are nervous about interacting with women.

Aside from that, dating sites are great. I have met many of my partners organically, but I met my husband, the one who really stuck, on OkCupid. If I had any advice to give, it is to fill out your profile, answer questions honestly, and treat women like people. We are people. Just people. Genuine interaction goes SO much farther than pickup artist crap, random dick pics, or neckbeardy misogyny. Read profiles, find a common interest, and start a conversation.

Note: I don't say that as an attack at you. Just as a disclaimer, because dating is weird and sometimes in an attempt to be "good" at dating, we turn to the wrong things.

 

[David_Lee_Loca]

One-night stand can be fun for a little bit, but for me personally, I felt empty after a few months of doing it.
I agree with trying a dating site. I'm really bad at asking people out myself. I'm either too shy and awkward or just overly flirty and creepy. Plus, I got tired of going to the same places and seeing the same people. Online dating is super common, and if you go about it safely you can meet somebody really great. I met the love of my life online.

 

[karma-land]

Interesting perspectives!

Thanks for the comments, tho. I'll try OKCupid out and see what happens.

 

[Kvothe]

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but at age 25, I have never gone on a date with a woman. Not because everybody turned me down, but because I never tried to get a date, period. During college I was pretty much to myself most of the time, avoiding social circles. It didn't help that I was too shy to even try asking anyone out.

Anyway, I'm trying to fix that right now. Anyone have tips on how to find dates? People suggested bars, but I don't drink alcohol, so I'm wondering if that will help me.

Also, I'm wondering if any ladies has views on one-night stands, and men asking them about it. I don't want to be a creep, so I'm wondering if there's a time where you can ask. Otherwise, I won't bother if it's a skeevy thing to do. (Yes, I'm aware of the irony of me asking this question in a forum dedicated to cam girls )

Sorry if these questions are really obvious, but I'm very inexperienced about this.

@karma-land

Sir! Hands up! Back away from the OKCupid profile!

Online dating is bull! It's a comfort zone "I can sit here in front of my screen and ask girls out from a distance so that no one can see me if I get rejected". You want a date? Approach a girl in person.

Start by getting out of your comfort zone! Approach women. Every day for a week, just go up and ask any girl (walking in the street, at the supermarket, library...) a superfluous question (do you have the time? do you know where I can find? etc.). Then when you're comfortable with that, step it up...and keep progressing, exchange numbers, etc.. Before you know it you'll be able to ask someone out in person. Beats the hell out of sitting in front of a screen scrolling through profiles (I've been there, 97% waste of life).

You may experience a bit (or maybe more than a bit) of rejection, but it feels so much better to go for it and bomb out than it does to walk past that girl you thought was really cute and wonder what could have happened if you just said hi (then some other stuff too hopefully...).

As for one-night-stands...why would you want them? I mean sure it can be hot in some circumstances like travelling. But being invited back generally means you're doing something right...maybe it's not the sex (or maybe it is, you animal!), either way she likes you enough to see you more.

Dating advice column is now closed.

-Kvothe

 

[Gen]

This is an old-ish topic but I think Kvothe's advice should come with a giant "PROCEED WITH CAUTION" sign.

Firstly, I'm not the biggest fan of online dating (I'm usually too shy to meet in person), but it can definitely be a good way to meet people. I'd say the majority of young couples I know, some of whom are married, met online. It makes sense to me in a lot of ways: you can proactively look for someone with similar interests, rather than depending on the chance aspect of just happening across someone (though it is exciting when that happens).

Anyways, the "proceed with caution" part - a lot of women really don't like being approached on the street/bus/in public, and it's often very quickly very obvious WHY the guy is talking to you. I'm not trying to say don't do it at all, but I do think it's important to remember that women who happen to be at your grocery store or library or whatever aren't putting themselves out there for the purposes of dating or helping you get comfortable talking to women. If I were a dude, I'd be really apprehensive to try asking out random girls, because from a girls perspective it can be kind of invasive and I know many women who have given their number out to a random guy, not because they want to but out of awkwardness/intimidation.

Not trying to say don't ever do it - but if you do, try to be aware of the girls who look uncomfortable or uninterested in the conversation, and I'd also suggest offering her your number rather than asking for hers so the ball is in her court. Basically just be thoughtful, which I think most guys are, just not usually the same kinds of guys who will try to pick up in a grocery store, lol.

Also this might just be me, because I know some chicks hate being approached when they're reading, but a few times guys have come to chat with me at coffee shops when I'm reading, usually because they've also read it or wanted to. I always really like that! Because it shows some kind of shared interest, as opposed to just "you are an age appropriate female in my vicinity" which is what it sometimes feels like when random guys chat me up on the bus.

Just my two cents, though.

 

[mutantdonut]

This is an old-ish topic but I think Kvothe's advice should come with a giant "PROCEED WITH CAUTION" sign.

Firstly, I'm not the biggest fan of online dating (I'm usually too shy to meet in person), but it can definitely be a good way to meet people. I'd say the majority of young couples I know, some of whom are married, met online. It makes sense to me in a lot of ways: you can proactively look for someone with similar interests, rather than depending on the chance aspect of just happening across someone (though it is exciting when that happens).

Anyways, the "proceed with caution" part - a lot of women really don't like being approached on the street/bus/in public, and it's often very quickly very obvious WHY the guy is talking to you. I'm not trying to say don't do it at all, but I do think it's important to remember that women who happen to be at your grocery store or library or whatever aren't putting themselves out there for the purposes of dating or helping you get comfortable talking to women. If I were a dude, I'd be really apprehensive to try asking out random girls, because from a girls perspective it can be kind of invasive and I know many women who have given their number out to a random guy, not because they want to but out of awkwardness/intimidation.

Not trying to say don't ever do it - but if you do, try to be aware of the girls who look uncomfortable or uninterested in the conversation, and I'd also suggest offering her your number rather than asking for hers so the ball is in her court. Basically just be thoughtful, which I think most guys are, just not usually the same kinds of guys who will try to pick up in a grocery store, lol.

Also this might just be me, because I know some chicks hate being approached when they're reading, but a few times guys have come to chat with me at coffee shops when I'm reading, usually because they've also read it or wanted to. I always really like that! Because it shows some kind of shared interest, as opposed to just "you are an age appropriate female in my vicinity" which is what it sometimes feels like when random guys chat me up on the bus.

Just my two cents, though.

Yeah, i thought it was ridiculous the way Kvothe's methodology is worded in a "this is the absolute way to do it" sort of way, including brushing off dating sites as if there's a zero success rate at finding someone just because he didn't find it useful.

Also, i can't tell you how many former female peers and classmates from college, many of them party animals at the time, hated how going to a bar or club meant they were part of an open meat market for guys making their approach at them. Seems like a complete disregard for the woman's standpoint for suggesting, "Just go up to women in random public areas," especially when she has her safety to consider from anyone with possibly shady intentions.

 

[Kvothe]

There seems to be an assumption that a guy who approaches a girl in a public setting is sleazy or scary..? I actually think it's endearing and completely safe (what is more safe than a public setting? A quiet bar where you're going to meet a stranger you've talked to online..? I'd rather be approached in the supermarket any day), and you may just make someone's day. I should also add that I would do this during the day, not at night...

@mutantdonut I'm brushing them off because I believe they have a low rate of success, and because I believe they are a comfort zone. There is usually a ratio of about 15 guys for every girl online, if not more...you want to talk about a 'meat market'. It's difficult for a decent guy to get noticed online through all the sleaze and d#$k pics. Forgive me for suggesting that there is a more efficient way to meet people.

I've dated girls through them and in my experience most of the time it leads to nothing. Approaching someone in person means I'm approaching someone I find attractive and creating an immediate interaction, which I think is much better than sending a message online and waiting for a response.

I'm not sure what you mean by "disregard for the woman's standpoint". If you're a normal, respectful, decent person and not a complete arse, I don't see the issue with saying hello and having a conversation with a stranger who you may also happen to find attractive, or not...carpe diem, seize the day, the moment, the opportunity whizzing past you. People do it when they start school, uni, new jobs, sometimes people just get out of the habit of talking to new people.

I specifically didn't mention bars/clubs for that reason, I don't believe I've suggested anything sleazy.

@GenXoxo All I suggested is that @karma-land gets out of his comfort zone, and doesn't exchange one (not asking girls out) for another (online dating). Of course you have to gauge the situation, that's called life...

I'm offering this advice to @karma-land, I'm sure he can decide whether it rings true or not. We're all very comfortable behind our screens...online dating, 'anonymously' destroying people in blogs and on twitter, etc.

-Kvothe

 

[TacoBelle]

I agree with both Gen and Kvothe. They both have made some excellent points and explained their opposing views perfectly (and while staying civil!). Firstly, I agree with Kvothe 120% that using dating sites for people without much prior dating-experience is "taking the easy way out." It's a way to stay in your comfort zone while still feeling that you're doing something. Similar to watching the cooking channel or buying a workout DVD. You feel like you're making progress, like you're learning or advancing in ways, but in reality, you're not putting that knowledge to use. You have to actually cook the meal that they're showing on TV or complete the entire workout program to actually be able to say, "I did this. I tried." Yeah, you might fail. The cake might fall flat or you might not be able to do three consecutive minutes of cardio. But you keep trying until you are successful.

And Kvothe made an extremely good point that if you're not already comfortable talking to women (even just as friends/acquaintances/strangers), then you need to force yourself out of your comfort zone before even attempting to meet someone online. If talking to the female receptionist at the doctor's office strikes fear and anxiety in your heart, then you're not ready to be dating. So having simple conversations (like asking about the time or where the chili powder is) will at least help you not be as scared of or nervous around women.


As for what Gen said: YES. Women are extremely nervous when men approach us. I can't even recount the number of times a creepy guy has either followed me around a store or blatantly just tried to strike up a conversation. Yeah, if you're trying to get a phone number from the same woman you asked about the chili powder, she's probably going to be uncomfortable. We can typically tell when a man has ulterior motives. Ask me where the chili powder is because you genuinely only want to know that? I'll help. Stand at the other end of the aisle watching me for a few minutes before approaching or have your eyes ANYWHERE besides on my face? Try to continue the conversation after I've answered your question? HELL NO. I will be trying everything possible to get away from you politely.

Any time that you talk to women, you need to follow her cues. All of these below are hints that she wants you to leave her alone.

• Keeps looking away from your face or looks at the ground or her phone/shopping list
  
• Fiddles with something in her hands (purse/phone/keys/etc)
• Starts making notes about the time or people waiting or places/events that she's going to ("Wow, is it already 3:00" "Gotta get to the vet before they close!" "I'm just grabbing some popcorn for my son's sleepover.")
• Physically starts moving away from you (usually, we try to do this casually, like taking a step back slowly or moving the shopping cart away)
• She doesn't give you her complete attention. If she's still browsing through the different types of ice cream while you're talking, she is obviously not interested in your conversation.
• Brings up a significant other in a sentence. ("My boyfriend always makes the chili, but I think it's in the baking aisle." "Oh, this is a Christmas present for my husband." "My mother-in-law recommended this book.")

Now, those don't necessarily mean that the woman is frightened by you. And those also don't mean that she's not interested in you. She could be! However, if it's the first time you've met, chances are that those clues above are ways to tell if she's trying to politely hint that she wants to be left alone. Just use common sense.

 

[DivSavel]

This is an old-ish topic but..

I agree on some points! The "step away from the OKCupid profile" was funny, but a bit much! Dating sites are actually incredibly valuable and I've met a lot of people who found long term relationships on them! Plus, there's no reason why you can't post your profile on there and go out to meet people at the same time! That's like saying you can't possibly apply for a job in-store because you've already got a profile up on Monster!

I personally think it's alright to approach people in public; you just need to be aware of your surroundings! Keep an eye on whether the area around you might put someone off. I don't think talking to girls in a grocery store or random place is bad. But you're way more likely to encounter girls who are just trying to get their stuff and get out, so it not be the best place if you're nervous.

About approaching women who are reading: I am heinous with that. If I'm reading, I am completely absorbed in my book. Any attempts to pry me from it will likely be met with a blank stare. However, 100% of the time a guy or girl has tried to talk to me while I'm reading it's the exact same question. "What are you reading?" My immediate thought is "Bitch do you not see the cover?". I assume it wouldn't be frustrating if someone were to actually say something, anything. other than that canned question. "What are you reading?" just feels like "Stop reading; I want to talk now."

edit: alt-tabbed and didn't see Iris's post. Iris is 100% correct on the body language points! Body language is incredibly helpful when talking to a person you've never met! If their body language seems to say "Go away", it's a good idea to do so, but don't worry about it too much. Imagine how many people you've shut down in conversation in your life simply because you were having a bad day or were just too busy to talk!

 

[Kvothe]

The "step away from the OKCupid profile" was funny, but a bit much!

@Divahkiin Thanks, I was being overly dramatic to make a point.

I agree with you about the reading, I don't like being interrupted when I'm in the middle of a good book. It's really just down to the individual to gauge the situation though. I.e. If a girl was sitting in a coffee shop reading, but she was constantly looking around, or maybe you saw her looking at you...perfect opportunity to go over and say hi. Also completely agree, there's no reason you can't do both (I use Tinder for example, but only if I'm not doing anything in particular), I think it's a slippery slope though (especially for someone who isn't confident enough to ask people out in person) because it's so much easier/safer to message someone than to actually talk with them.

@I_Am_Iris 'ulterior motive' sounds so shady! Haha, I don't doubt that most/all women can tell when you want to talk about something different (girls are generally considered to be better at reading body language than guys), and of course you could go up to someone and start a conversation with your intention, which may work if you're brimming with confidence. Otherwise, soft intro, then intention would be the best way to start a conversation in my opinion. "Do you want to buy these flowers?" vs. "What's your favourite flower? Oh, we actually have those on special, would you like to see them?"

Completely agree about body language being very important. Specifics were beyond the scope of my original post. Body language is also about context (what you're doing, where you are, tone of voice, whether someone has something urgent on, etc.).

 

[swagger]

I can't help at all with the online dating part, as I've no experience with it, but might be able to offer some advice on the other parts.

First, do you feel comfortable speaking to women? If not, let's put aside a one night stand, the odds of that happening without alcohol, magical pick up artistry, or just a metric fuck-ton of natural charm is not very likely. The idea of an escort to just make you feel comfortable with flirting is a possible, but extremely expensive solution. My recommendation is to put yourself in situations where you learn to comfortably interact socially with women. College classes are great for this, you don't need to go for a degree or anything, just pick up a class or two at your local community college. If that's not to your taste try to find community gatherings, or meetup.com or something.

Putting yourself in positions where you feel more comfortable talking face to face with the opposite sex, the easier asking for a date will become. It's a rarity that a woman would ever accept a date offer from a guy whom she has no previous relationship, and being a regular customer at a coffee shop where she works, doesn't qualify.

Best of luck!

 

[eyeteach]

Iris, those are some great points re: the girl trying to ward off a guy. What about if at least once she throws a "friend" in there; ie, "My friend said he's going to do so-and-so for me."?