What kind of important things do you think....

[Violet Dawn]

What kind of important things do you think should be first date confessions?

Like kids? Stalkers? Anything else important?

I personally wouldn't tell someone I had kids until date number 3.

 

[Lexi Emerson]

What kind of important things do you think should be first date confessions?

Like kids? Stalkers? Anything else important?

I personally wouldn't tell someone I had kids until date number 3.

Personally I'd want to know if someone had kids right away. Not because it's a deal breaker necessarily but it just feels like such a big part of someone's life and I'd want to know.

Things like STDS or anything spreadable I'd want to know on the first few dates.

Stalkers, eh. Like I guess if it's a situation that it's really effecting their life (like an IRL stalker who makes threats and stuff) I'd like to know earlier on but doesn't really have to be a first date kind of thing.

Basically I think first dates are good for seeing if there is anything there and I don't like topics getting too deep right off the bat, personally. But a lot of things that are big and effect peoples lives on the regular I think are good to bring up in the first few dates.

 

[Violet Dawn]

@LexiSloan With kids I'd wait till date 3 because I'd want to make sure the person was actually dating me for me, rather than dating me for my kid. I totally get wanting to know earlier, but I'd hope the man I was dating would understand why I'd wait so long.

 

[Gen]

STDs, I think it's okay to wait until a few dates in or it looks like you might be hopping in the sack together. If a guy told me over dinner that he had an STD, I think it'd feel presumptuous and kind of awkward.

Kids, first date. It's a dealbreaker for a lot of people and mostly just an important aspect of your life. I'd be put off if someone didn't mention their kids early on.

Anything else...I can't really think of anything pressing but I'm sure this thread will give me ideas, haha.

 

[Guy]

Personally I'd want to know if someone had kids right away. Not because it's a deal breaker necessarily but it just feels like such a big part of someone's life and I'd want to know.

Things like STDS or anything spreadable I'd want to know on the first few dates.

Stalkers, eh. Like I guess if it's a situation that it's really effecting their life (like an IRL stalker who makes threats and stuff) I'd like to know earlier on but doesn't really have to be a first date kind of thing.

Basically I think first dates are good for seeing if there is anything there and I don't like topics getting too deep right off the bat, personally. But a lot of things that are big and effect peoples lives on the regular I think are good to bring up in the first few dates.

What if he has never been sexually active? Would that be something you would want to know about early on? ( Not joking)

 

[EspiKvlt]

What if he has never been sexually active? Would that be something you would want to know about early on? ( Not joking)

I wouldn't care. Like, I wouldn't care at all about that in general, so whenever they'd want to tell me would be fine with me.

 

[Lexi Emerson]

What if he has never been sexually active? Would that be something you would want to know about early on? ( Not joking)

I don't seeing it as a big deal so it wouldn't be a big deal for someone to bring it up IMO. If they mentioned it later because it's a big deal for them, then cool! But I wouldn't be like upset if they didn't tell me. *shrug*

 

[Carmita Bonita]

I think first date stuff should be kept light and fun getting to know someone in general and not all the deep nitty-gritty.

Saying things that can be potential 'deal breakers' early on might get a negative, already-judgey response vs getting to know them and letting something genuinely develop. If something actually develops, cool then get to the deeper stuff, if not then no harm done and no vulnerable info is leaked out that can make a person feel depressingly rejected.

I've fallen for guys that had those few 'deal breakers' in the past and was able to be more compassionate than I assume I would have if I had gotten all that baggage right from the start. I don't think anyone needs to make any sort of 'confessions' when you're just getting to know the basics about someone.

It's like telling someone you're a camgirl right away and they don't know you /have 0 emotional investment and already assume stereotypical stuff. At least if they got to know you a bit more, they could make a more educated decision on what is a deal breaker or not.

As for stis, unless you're sexually active with them/got to a more deeper level with them past the first date-- I wouldn't tell them early on. You can't catch sti's from having coffee together or hugging.

 

[Violet Dawn]

What if he has never been sexually active? Would that be something you would want to know about early on? ( Not joking)

Unless you're like super fundamentalist and want a virgin for a partner I don't really seeing this as something that matters.

 

[swagger]

Luna I see having children as a date 1 disclosure. It's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone, but it may be for many. I'd find it extremely misleading if I didn't find that out til date 3, I consider it on the level with "I'm on parole"

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Luna I see having children as a date 1 disclosure. It's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone, but it may be for many. I'd find it extremely misleading if I didn't find that out til date 3, I consider it on the level with "I'm on parole"

That was the first thing I thought too. Sort of struck me in terms of importance as whether or not someone is single. But I can see the rationale behind her thinking to.

 

[uncoveredmanhole]

definitely kids if you ever say shit like 'my kids are my world'.
it's 99% of the time going to be a dealbreaker for me, so someone who isn't honest is just wasting my time and money. It's as rude as pretending I want to date when I'm not interested in any commitments.
I have met one mom who was the coolest bitch ever and even admitted that while she feels she should spend more time with her kids, it's just so boring! ... she hasn't reduced herself to merely a mom, she's still a person, a grown up, with her own life and aspirations and hobbies. Before I met her I thought it would be a 100% reliable dealbreaker.

 

[Ambers Troll]

For a first date, possessive ex's would be an immediate concern. If I am risking my safety shielding a date from some drama, I would want to know.

Where a first date has no chance of future dates would be good to get some warning on; where the date has nothing to do with actual dating. Mr right now is fine, just let the guy know; it will be more fun that way.

If you confuse chemistry with liking someone, I'd want to know that pretty early. Do the friend-zone thing early not late, by the end of the first date is fine by me.
Alternatively, if you confuse liking someone for chemistry, feel free to stay in denial for a while.

 

[Violet Dawn]

Maybe it would be better if, instead of telling them about my children later, I would not let them meet or see them at all until about 6 months in. Pretty sure predators won't wait 6 months to just meet my children.

My child's safety is the most important thing to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (I don't even have a kid yet lmao)

Or I could first ask them how they feel about kids. Dunno.

I can see why it would be incredibly misleading, but I'd hope they'd understand.

 

[swagger]

As a guy who has dated women with children, I'm fine with not meeting the kids for X amount of months. Hell if I'm not serious about her, I'd be fine with never meeting them.

I totally agree that your child/children's safety should be of the utmost importance. I once stopped seeing a woman because while at a party at a friend's house, way out in the country, she wanted to have sex with me while her 8 yr old son was asleep in the same room. I was like hell no, the last thing that kid needs to wake up to is me plowing his mom. That was the end of that relationship. That kind of poor decision making doesn't represent someone I'd like to consider spending the rest of my days with. I dunno exactly where I was going with that, maybe that the pendulum swings both ways.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Pretty sure predators won't wait 6 months to just meet my children.

I don't mean to imply you shouldn't handle this how you want, but I think a lot of them would.

Spoiler: sexual abuse

I knew someone whose step-parent didn't start messing with them until 4 or 5 years into the marriage. Unfortunately, the mother was the type willing to turn a blind eye to it. Didn't believe it at first, pretended afterwards wasn't happening.

 

[uncoveredmanhole]

I once stopped seeing a woman because while at a party at a friend's house, way out in the country, she wanted to have sex with me while her 8 yr old son was asleep in the same room. I was like hell no, the last thing that kid needs to wake up to is me plowing his mom. That was the end of that relationship.

meanwhile, 1,000 years ago, the kid would've just looked at the goat next to him in the one-room hut the whole family and their livestock huddled into in winter, and the goat would've looked back at him, and life would've gone on as normal.

I'm not taking a stance on it or kink-shaming or anything, I'm just amazed by how things change from culture to culture and time to time.

 

[Violet Dawn]

I don't mean to imply you shouldn't handle this how you want, but I think a lot of them would.

Spoiler: sexual abuse

I knew someone whose step-parent didn't start messing with them until 4 or 5 years into the marriage. Unfortunately, the mother was the type willing to turn a blind eye to it. Didn't believe it at first, pretended afterwards wasn't happening.

Is it too creepy to put cameras in your child's bedroom? Obviously if they were a full blown teenager.

It's really hard to fully protect your kids. I want to show my children this video.



Hopefully if I instill this type of stuff in them enough and teach them that no matter what if someone makes them uncomfortable they can tell me.

 

[heybarkeep]

As a guy who has dated women with children, I'm fine with not meeting the kids for X amount of months. Hell if I'm not serious about her, I'd be fine with never meeting them.

I totally agree that your child/children's safety should be of the utmost importance. I once stopped seeing a woman because while at a party at a friend's house, way out in the country, she wanted to have sex with me while her 8 yr old son was asleep in the same room. I was like hell no, the last thing that kid needs to wake up to is me plowing his mom. That was the end of that relationship. That kind of poor decision making doesn't represent someone I'd like to consider spending the rest of my days with. I dunno exactly where I was going with that, maybe that the pendulum swings both ways.

I'm always surprised by how quickly terrible moms will reveal how terrible they are. Most recent example being a woman that went to pick up her kid after drinking way too much. Like wow, I now hate you as a person and feel horrible for the kid.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

It's really hard to fully protect your kids. I want to show my children this video.



Hopefully if I instill this type of stuff in them enough and teach them that no matter what if someone makes them uncomfortable they can tell me.

You can't fully protect them.

I personally think turning your kids education about something so serious to some bush league animators is a crap idea. Two minutes of that silly Pantosaurus garbage is time that could probably be better spent getting down eye-level with them and talking real quiet.

Spoiler: sexual abuse

Go sit in survivors group. Listen to somebody share details about something they lived through that is so bad that it makes you feel sick to hear it. Look at that guy across from you with scars on his arms who has his head down on the table, trying to deal with the stuff it is causing him to relive. That video is silly.

 

[Violet Dawn]

You can't fully protect them.

I personally think turning your kids education about something so serious to some bush league animators is a crap idea. Two minutes of that silly Pantosaurus garbage is time that could probably be better spent getting down eye-level with them and talking real quiet.

Spoiler: sexual abuse

Go sit in survivors group. Listen to somebody share details about something they lived through that is so bad that it makes you feel sick to hear it. Look at that guy across from you with scars on his arms who has his head down on the table, trying to deal with the stuff it is causing him to relive. That video is silly.

This video is for like 5 year olds. When I was in the 6th grade my teacher would make up stupid things like this when she wanted to teach us something really important, and she was an extremely serious kind of teacher... borderline mean at times. She did this because it helps kids remember. My high school teacher taught us by being silly, giving demonstrations and making things funny and not so "serious." It helped.

I think the video gives a pretty good message and does it in a way that is easy for kids to remember if they're in a hard situation plus it's also perfect for catching their attention. (bright colors, friendly message)

Don't like it? Don't use it.

 

[swagger]

I think both things are useful at certain ages, the Pantosaurus might be effective when you're five or six. That said, I grew up with a mother who was a social worker and a child psychologist, and when I was 8 she told me the story of a boy she had treated who had had his genitals cut off by a stranger in a restroom. Whether or not that story was true is immaterial. When my parents weren't immediately present, I walked around as an ubervigilant 8 year old.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

Honestly I've always gone with how I feel about the person. I think if you want a relationship with someone then surely mentioning children is important. I mean it's a large part of your life and it's something that someone should be allowed to decided whether they want to take it on. I possibly wouldn't date someone with young children for example as I am not ready for children myself. I would not like to be pushed into that role before I'm ready. But there are plenty of people who are fine for that and do feel ready for a more family based relationship (or have their own children), why waste time with the ones who aren't ready? If you were wanting a hook up then I don't see the need to mention it unless things got more serious.

I used to think camming was one of those "should I tell them?", and generally went with how I felt about them. For some guys it's a deal breaker for relationships but they won't necessarily tell you that, they'll just instantly start treating you like a whore/fuck buddy. This may not be attention you want, unfortunately there are men who feel that being a sex worker of any kind somehow means you'll be "up for it". So I wouldn't necessarily tell someone on a first date unless I got a very good vibe from them. It's a risk each time you tell someone if you're not public with it.

I guess first dates you're trying to sell yourself, so I wouldn't go into STD's or anything too depressing. Like you might mention if someone bad had happened but if it's something that would take a long time and would ruin the mood of the date. Mentioning ex's I'd probably not go into it, maybe when you were last in a relationship but really it should be pretty light. Other than that I'd say general small talk. I wouldn't say a good first date is about getting to know eachother but more whether you get along well, have good banter and have attraction for one another. Later dates can be about getting closer.

 

[Violet Dawn]

meanwhile, 1,000 years ago, the kid would've just looked at the goat next to him in the one-room hut the whole family and their livestock huddled into in winter, and the goat would've looked back at him, and life would've gone on as normal.

I'm not taking a stance on it or kink-shaming or anything, I'm just amazed by how things change from culture to culture and time to time.

My grandma, not 1,000 years old, used to tell me that even when she was a kid her parents would engage in some form of sexual intercourse in the same room as them. She said her parents didn't think the kids knew what they were doing. That was like 80 years ago.

 

[AerynShade]

Huh. Well, apparently I'm an over-sharer (and possibly a bitch). I primarily use(d) online dating apps so before I even went on a first date I want to know:

If they have kids. I hate kids. Hate. Haaaaate them. If you have kids younger than teens you are wasting your time dating me. It won't work out unless you pretty much never ever see them and only send child support payments. But then I just have to wonder if you're secretly kind of an asshole because you never see your kids and what that backstory is like.

STD status. Listen, if I date you I'm going to want to fuck your brains out, likely on our first meeting. If you don't have recent test results you're able to share with me I'm like to not want to even meet you in person. If you've got an incurable STD I'd want to know that too. It's not stopped me from dating people with them, it just gives me a heads up as to extra safety precautions we/I need to take.

Religious status. Again, if you're religious we probably aren't going to get along because I say things like, "I don't believe in magical sky-wizards."

Your diet. Are you vegan/vegetarian/omnivore? I have no problem with people picking the best diet for their own reasons—you do you—but if you're going to refuse to kiss me until I brush my teeth after I've eaten a ham sandwich...we should just be friends.

Telling people what I do is a very hard decision. If we don't work out and the other person is a deranged asshole then I've just opened myself up for some malicious shit. On the other hand, I don't want to date anyone who has a problem with my work. I try to work it in prior to them knowing any problematic information, like real last name or facebook account.

The way I see dating is like this: there are 7.5 BILLION people on this planet. Why try to make things work with someone with vastly different ideals than you? Get that shit out there and find people who actually match up well with you. (Though this might also be why I spent the majority of the time single while living in a small town in the midwest.)

 

[MFCGod]

I'm not sure I would go on a date where I haven't got the know the person a bit first, just to see if we are compatible

So I guess I would want pre-first date confessions

Their age, area they live, who they live with, what work they do, maybe what they studied, hobbies & interests

ps. I'm 30 and I've never been on a proper date in my life so this is all very speculative on my end lol

 

[SaffronBurke]

This video is for like 5 year olds. When I was in the 6th grade my teacher would make up stupid things like this when she wanted to teach us something really important, and she was an extremely serious kind of teacher... borderline mean at times. She did this because it helps kids remember. My high school teacher taught us by being silly, giving demonstrations and making things funny and not so "serious." It helped.

I think the video gives a pretty good message and does it in a way that is easy for kids to remember if they're in a hard situation plus it's also perfect for catching their attention. (bright colors, friendly message)

Don't like it? Don't use it.

This video is the kind of learning material used in therapy groups for little kids (little little, age 2-5) who've been sexually abused. It's an age-appropriate way to understand what has happened and to teach kids how to handle it if it happens again. Trying to explain sexual assault to a kid that young isn't going to be very effective, they're not really going to understand what you're trying to say, but show them a video like this, and they get it. Once they get older, you can explain more about it as they're able to understand more.

 

[Influenced]

I'm 30 and I've never been on a proper date in my life

"Proper date?" What kind of dates have you been on? Or do you just mean you have never dated and are thirty years of age? What does a "Proper date" even consist of in your eyes and everyone else's for that matter, I am curious for the responses and opinions...?

 

[EspiKvlt]

"Proper date?" What kind of dates have you been on? Or do you just mean you have never dated and are thirty years of age? What does a "Proper date" even consist of in your eyes and everyone else's for that matter, I am curious for the responses and opinions...?

"Proper date" = going out somewhere with someone you don't really know and using that as an opportunity to get to know them.

Every dude I've dated I've known from high school, so I haven't been on a real date before, either.

 

[Violet Dawn]

This video is the kind of learning material used in therapy groups for little kids (little little, age 2-5) who've been sexually abused. It's an age-appropriate way to understand what has happened and to teach kids how to handle it if it happens again. Trying to explain sexual assault to a kid that young isn't going to be very effective, they're not really going to understand what you're trying to say, but show them a video like this, and they get it. Once they get older, you can explain more about it as they're able to understand more.

Exactly. Like my child doesn't need to know WHY someone wants to see inside their underwear, or what they might do. They just need to know to not let it happen and how to stop it. They can know all the details when they get older and learn more about the world in general.