Parental Alienation

[Poker_Babe]

I am just curious, have any of you guys experienced this from an ex spouse, or your significant other's ex spouse at all?

An alienating parent may use a number of techniques, including but not limited to:
* Emphasizing the other parent’s flaws, such as an occasional burst of temper or not being prepared for the child’s activities.
* Normal parental lapses are blown out of proportion and the child is repeatedly reminded of them.
* A parent or stepparent suggesting changing the child’s name or having the stepparent adopt the child.
* Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities.
* One parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend or boyfriend.
* Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child’s needs, or scheduling the child in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit.

I don't want to get into detail about how and why I care so much about this subject because it involves other people besides just myself, and I refuse to bad mouth anyone, or put their business out in public. No matter how much I want to vent.

BTW, just to be clear, no one is alienating me from my own children. they live with me, and I alone provide for them.

I have been trying to raise awareness about Parental Alienation and the importance of equal parenting rights, and father's rights for the last 9 years now. I kind of backed off from the subject after my husband passed away (2 1/2 yrs ago), because the subject of father's rights brought back too many bad memories. But I feel a need in me to once again fight for this cause.

So yes, I know this has nothing to do with cam modeling, but I feel this subject is a very important one that needs to be touched on.

I have done extensive research in this subject. I have a lot of good resources to help parents who have found themselves a victim of an alienating ex spouse and an unfair court system. So please feel free to PM me if you need help with anything.

Also if anyone has any good advice, links, ect... on this subject that you feel would be helpful to others, PLEASE do share.

Here's some articles that proved to be a big help:

FREE tactical tricks of the trade used by attorneys in court.

Going Pro Se: Essential Tips

Free Co-Parenting Plans

Defusing Objections To Joint Custody

What follows are some of the "classic" arguments designed to prevent joint custody from being considered by the judge. Each one of these "classic" arguments has a counter argument that can be used to nullify it.
Study this carefully so you will be prepared to refute them when needed!

1.) The "Children Need Stability" Argument

Yes, children need stability, but even more important is the need for consistency and predictability, or an awareness of what is to come. Children cope quite well with change when they know what to expect; not knowing what's coming next is the cause of most of the stress that children experience. Children don't get confused when both parents take care of them in intact families, confusion for children occurs when one parent suddenly leaves or is forced out of the child's home and life. Giving both parents parenting time with the child contributes to continuity in the child's life, not confusion.

2.) The "Parents Won't Cooperate" Argument

Refute this argument by noting that divorce rarely occurs because of non-cooperation related to parenting issues; more often it is due to infidelity, drug and/or alcohol abuse, emotional or mental health issues, financial pressures, and a host of other reasons- but rarely over issues related to non-cooperation in parenting skills or styles. Even though the parents are unable to stay married to each other they may still be able to collaborate on tasks needed to raise their children.

By ordering both parents to work together the court makes it clear that both parents are important. Another factor is that over time, the animosity level between divorced parents often drops. Emotional wounds heal, and the task of raising children can serve as a focal point of cooperation. Conversely, stripping a parent of the ability to help to raise their own children creates tremendous feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hostility in the "discarded" parent- making the chance of real cooperation much less likely.

3.) The "Child Gets Upset When Away From His
Mother" Argument

It's not unusual for children to be a little anxious when separated from the parent they spend the most time with (this is especially true of young children), but this is not a valid reason to deny or limit the other parent's time with the child. In fact, this is a good reason to increase it- no child should be so dependent on a parent that it affects them in a negative way. Once the child learns that they can be away from the 'favored' parent without anything 'bad' happening, they will become more self-assured and experience less separation anxiety.

4.) The "Child Gets Upset When They See The Other
Parent" Argument

Sometimes this argument also takes the form of "the child is scared of the other parent" or "the child doesn't like the other parent". The first version may simply mean the child is unfamiliar with the other parent, or it may mean that the child has been conditioned to be scared of the other parent (through the use of negative statements by the 'favored' parent). The second and third versions of this argument may indicate something more serious, such as Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Most children naturally want to love and bond with both parents unless there has been some sort of actual abuse going on. It is important to find out if the child is actually making these kinds of statements or if these are claims made by one parent in an attempt to prevent or reduce contact with the other parent. If the child is in fact making these statements, the possibility of PAS should be investigated.

If the child truly appears to be upset or fearful of contact with the other parent, the most probable cause is simply unfamiliarity with that parent. Children thrive on familiarity and spending time with a 'stranger' may indeed make them nervous or upset. The common-sense cure is to gradually increase the time the child spends with the 'unfamiliar' parent, preferably in an environment that the child is accustomed to and feels comfortable in. Reducing contact with the 'unfamiliar' parent will only increase the child's unease with that parent.

5.) The "Child Can't Adjust To Different Parenting
Styles" Argument

Unless the parents have extremely and radically different parenting styles, this argument can be dismissed by pointing out that this issue is almost never a point of contention in intact families. It would be unusual, to say the least, if both parents had identical attitudes and parenting styles; such is rarely the case in 'whole' families where the parents are together. This line of reasoning is probably one of the most baseless and unfounded 'arguments' against joint custody.

This argument can also be refuted by documenting and comparing the parenting styles of both the mother and the father, and then demonstrating that they aren't really all that different. Concentrate on comparing items like disciplinary styles, hygiene practices, educational desires, and religious orientation. When compared side by side, it's likely that you'll find more areas of agreement than disagreement, and the areas and scope of disagreement will probably be relatively inconsequential.

6.) The "Father Wants Joint Custody Just To Lower His
Child Support" Argument

As in the preceding argument, this argument seeks to discount the idea that fathers might actually love their children and want to be a part of their lives. This same argument is often used when the father seeks sole custody; however, rarely is it said that "the mother wants sole custody just so she can get more child support". This argument is a little harder to counter because most States will lower a child support obligation commensurate with time spent in the care of the other (non-custodial) parent. As in the preceding instance, showing that the father has played an active role in the children's lives (or has tried to) can be an effective answer. Also, since the reduction in support is generally not a huge amount, it may be worth it to run the calculations so you can show the relatively small size of the decrease.

7.) The "Tender Years" Or "Father's Can't
Nurture" Argument

Thankfully, this argument has all but fallen by the wayside. To use this argument these days would likely indicate desperation on the mother's part, not having anything more substantial to use as a 'reason' for opposing joint custody. Most judges will no longer 'buy' this argument, and it may in fact work against a mother who tries to use it. This argument is rooted in gender bias, and is unlikely to influence many judges these days. It is unlikely that you will hear this argument put forth in a modern courtroom; any attorney proposing it would most likely be accused of gender bias.

I hope that some of you found this thread helpful and that I wasn't being too much of a boner killer by posting this LOL.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled naked camgirl show.

 

[JickyJuly]

My Husband has 2 grown children (the same age) with 2 Women. I guess he and the party-mongers he hung out with were all pretty scandalous. Anywhoo, the Moms are very different. 1 of them puts her Daughter's interests 1st. She hasn't always been thrilled with my husband, but she communicates her anger privately. After we were married, she often just skipped him all together and came to me with financial details and such. My stepdaughter is beautiful, well-adjusted and free to make her own conclusions regarding her parents relationship etc.
On the other side, my stepson's mother takes any chance she can to twist and confuse things. At 17, my stepson told me that I was the reason his parents weren't together. I managed not to faint while explaining to him that I was 9 at the time of his conception and had nothing to do with his parents' relationship. (He's the product of a 1 night stand. I was probably watching My Little Ponies at the time.)
Sorry this turned into venting.
I guess what I'm clumsily trying to say is that insecure, angry parents use their kids to feel better sometimes. And, while I understand how mad or let down a single parent might feel, voicing those feelings inappropriately is only going to hurt the child. My stepson was used as collateral in a war no one could win, and he is a very angry, confused person because of it. :twocents-02cents:

 

[LadyLuna]

I actually had this happen as an adopted child... my adoptive parents did everything they could to make me not want anything to do with my biological family. They had this weird idea in their heads that the adoption could be reversed... which, considering the details I can kinda understand.

These days, they deny they ever did that, and claim they encouraged me to keep in contact. O.O

 

[Rose]

I had several friends who dealt with this growing up and it was hard to watch them experience it. They're now fairly well adjusted adults but it can be confusing and frustrating when you're in the child's position. The only advice I can give is that if you know kiddos dealing with this to be as stable as possible around them and offer them a safe place or fun place if you can. My parents made a point to keep our house as open as possible and 'safe' for any neighborhood kids who needed to hang out where they wouldn't be put down or yelled at.

 

[Poker_Babe]

Oh and Parental Alienation Awareness Day is April 25th
Here is a list of events
There isn't any going on near where I live sadly. So I'm thinking about doing a fund raiser on MFC for that day. All tips will be donated to PAAO (Parental Alienation Awareness Organization). But I don't know if that's such a good idea. For one, I know that people come to MFC to escape the bull shit of everyday life and want to have a happy, sexy time and enjoy themselves; so I don't know if the subject will be looked at as a "boner killer" and actually drive people away. And secondly, I don't know if that organization would necessarily appreciate a camgirl promoting them on her cam show. I would just hate for this to backfire in a negative way ya know.
Any thoughts?

 

[lurkylurk]

My Husband has 2 grown children (the same age) with 2 Women. I guess he and the party-mongers he hung out with were all pretty scandalous. Anywhoo, the Moms are very different. 1 of them puts her Daughter's interests 1st. She hasn't always been thrilled with my husband, but she communicates her anger privately. After we were married, she often just skipped him all together and came to me with financial details and such. My stepdaughter is beautiful, well-adjusted and free to make her own conclusions regarding her parents relationship etc.
On the other side, my stepson's mother takes any chance she can to twist and confuse things. At 17, my stepson told me that I was the reason his parents weren't together. I managed not to faint while explaining to him that I was 9 at the time of his conception and had nothing to do with his parents' relationship. (He's the product of a 1 night stand. I was probably watching My Little Ponies at the time.)
Sorry this turned into venting.
I guess what I'm clumsily trying to say is that insecure, angry parents use their kids to feel better sometimes. And, while I understand how mad or let down a single parent might feel, voicing those feelings inappropriately is only going to hurt the child. My stepson was used as collateral in a war no one could win, and he is a very angry, confused person because of it. :twocents-02cents:

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your maturity and understanding in this complex situation shows that you are even more beautiful on the inside than you are on the outside. Bravo to you!

 

[NickkiHard]

I get and understaind both sides. I have five children with two diffrent men. My ex husband is the father of my three oldest who live with me. N my youngest two twin daughters are the result of a bad relationship to a married man n the live with him. My older three want nothing to do with their biological father for many reasons one of them being he was in prison for indicent liberty's with a minor. My ex husband has been out for about two years I know cuz I check the sex regestry. He has not tried to contact them n says he will sign adoption papers any time. My new husband loves them as if they are his own n wants to adopt them we are working on it.
My twins dad the married man on the other hand keeps my girls from me tells them lies. My girls are almost 9 I don't know were they are he moves to keep them from changes his number n lies about his address. I have not seen my babies in 3 almost 4 years.
I should say I am not a man stealer. I did not know he was married they did not live together he told me that he was divorced. I did not find out the truth tell I was about 3-4 months.
I should also say I donot speak bad about any person in front of my kids. I want them to be abel to judge a person for there self. If they do not learn to judge for there self now later on it could get them into danger.

 

[Poker_Babe]

 

[Poker_Babe]

 

[Poker_Babe]

Well another Parental Alienation Awareness day is coming upon us yet again on the 25th of this month, so in the spirit of awareness I just thought I'd bump this thread.

 

[GemmaMarie]

This, sadly, is happening to my cousin. He is military & his now ex-wife bombed him with the " I don't love you anymore, I don't know why, it's not you, blahblahblah" about 2/3 months after their 1st was born. She left back to their home town, & he fought as hard as he could but ya know.. she left, he couldn't- so she got the kid. He went back to visit family in their home town & had to get lawyers involved just to FORCE ex wife to let him SEE their child. Apparently she's been trying to turn him into a bad guy as a parent. It infuriates me. My cousin loves his child, more than he loves anything. I can't fathom her actions and makes me sad and angry that he has to go through this.

As a parent, I couldn't imagine forcing or alienating my childs father out of the picture. I go out of my way to keep him there. It is important. Not saying single parents can't do it, of course they can. But if one parents trying to be a good parent and the others being an asshole, you're just asking for problems in the childs future.

 

[Anonymous]

Well another Parental Alienation Awareness day is coming upon us yet again on the 25th of this month.

That's my son's birthday.

 

[MissBlaire]

WARNING: Novel


Hmm.. Don't know where to start.

Growing up we had a "non-traditional" household.

My parents got together when I was 3. They said their vows & signed their papers when I was 7, and I got second parent adopted & took on my step-moms last name around the same time.

They had a son together, and adopted a little girl.

after 14 years together, my step-mom removed herself from the relationship (basically to "take care of" her good friend, who was dying of cancer). Her friend lived around 2-3 years before passing away, during that time they admitted to being fully in a relationship. I am not fully aware of the exact time period of her death (I was away in college by then) but they split up during my Junior year of HighSchool & there was definitely several months of "therapy" with a family counselor to try & resolve/communicate through the issues, while she was simultaneously carrying out a relationship with her friend.

Now, she reads poetry at events about her life-partners passing, about vacations together, raising the kids together (?), about warm flannel sheets together, and seasons changing together…
she recently made a FB post about how their relationship was more a testament to commitment than any equal (=) sign or picture could convey.

It is confusing, somewhat delusional… her friend passed away around 2008?? Now I understand that she may have been in love, she may have felt it was the love of her life.
But MANY members of the community think my little brother & sister were raised solely by her best friend and herself… and it seems wrong to tout it so highly as a testament to commitment when a 14 year relationship was tossed aside to create it.

She is very intelligent, highly coercive, manipulative.
She employs ALL of the techniques against my Mother that Poker_Babe highlighted in her OP.
And she employs them against me as well (used to much more in the past).

So in that respect, I am glad she left. My mother has re-gained her joy, vibrancy for life.

Theres the kicker, there were no men in this relationship, my mother is (to quote pirate radio) of "lesbionic tendencies" most of the time.

So here is my main current issue:

I am concerned for my little brother and my little sister. what kind of view must they have on commitment? what kind of message are they receiving?
My family thinks she is somewhat… un-well in her thoughts for behaving in such a manner.

I don't even know how to talk to them. My brother is in high school, doing Really well now. But he used to have a lot of ailments, biting his nails, back aches, terrible eczema, separation anxiety etc. Heartbreaking. My mother begged for him to talk to a professional, my step-mother absolutely refused. He would come to my mothers and pace back and forth, talking to my step-mom on the phone. His reason for staying full time with my step-mom was that he did not like my mom's new gf, even though she made a point to not have her around all that often.
One time I came home from college, but despite calling & calling & leaving messages I didn't get to see them. Later I discovered they had been told I didn't see them on my visit because I was too busy, and didn't want to. Crazy…
Things have been much better lately, but I feel like I might step on some toes even starting a conversation with my siblings. I'm still kind of kept from them for too long, now because my fiancé went to jail in 2010, and she was scared that the cops were going to bust down our door at any moment, and the children cannot handle such a disturbance to their lives…

& now, who knows. I know she thinks I'm a stripper so… that may affect it too.

Thank you for this, Poker_Babe. I think it is very important for parents to get help… Our family had the warning signs for Years. Family members have personally apologized for not doing something about her mistreatment of my mother & myself.

I wish I'd had the emotional strength & mental capacity to do something sooner.


On the flip side, my father has been aware of my existence since 2009 & is doing everything in his power to make me feel like a princess

still Really glad it was my Mother who raised me. She is truly the best.




tl;dr

step-mom was an alienating parent.
Don't know how to talk to younger siblings about it.





Forgive my sloppy writing, I get highly emotional just thinking about it.

 

[Poker_Babe]

prognosis for severely alienating parents
By, A. Jayne Major, Ph.D.

I believe that PAS parents have become stuck in the first stage of child development, where survival skills are learned. To them, having total control over their child is a life and death matter. Because they don't understand how to please other people, any effort to do so always has strings attached. They don't give; they only know how to take. They don't play by the rules and are not likely to obey a court order.

Descriptions that are commonly used to describe severe cases of PAS are that the alienating parent is unable to "individuate" (a psychological term used when the person is unable to see the child as a separate human being from him or herself). The parent is narcissistic (self-centered) and enmeshed with the child (overly involved). Furthermore, these parents presume that they have a special entitlement to whatever they want. They think that there are rules in life, but only for other people, not for them.

A person with these characteristics, they may be called a sociopath, a person who has no moral conscience. This means that they are unable to have empathy or compassion for others. Sociopaths are unable to see a situation from another person's point of view, especially their child's point-of-view. They don't distinguish the way others do between telling the truth and lying.

In spite of admonitions from judges and mental health professionals to stop alienating, they can't. The prognosis for severely alienating parents is poor. It is unlikely that they will ever "get it." It is also unlikely that they will ever stop trying to perpetuate the alienation. It is a gut-wrenching survival issue to them.

 

[Poker_Babe]

 

[Poker_Babe]

It's Parental Alienation Awareness Month Again!!!

Just bumping this thread because this a cause that I feel so strongly about.