gonna be a better member

[snowman_99]

I visited cam sites for a few years, and I have some favourite models who I get along pretty well with. Usually just for a quick 10 minute service with a respectable tip, sometimes if the model is having a slow day I'll chat a bit try to boil the room up a bit it's always been fine.

I went off course recently with a model who was quite new to camming, I didn't see it coming and it ended up with me and her feeling pretty much like shit, I would guess me more so, but I wanted to write about it because maybe it helps illustrate from a client's side where it can go to shit.

First couple of naked times, were really amazing really enjoyed 1st, chatted for 15 minutes then again again. We had jokes, I made her laugh she made me laugh. Couple of days later, I logged on again there's 5 guys in the room only 2 registered, she's just done a show which I saw the tail end of so we chatted a bit afterwards because from past experience I could tell all wasn't right. Anyway we cooked up a joint fantasy and threw some tips in, I was kind of directing her was really fun both enjoyed it a lot.

Over couple of weeks after that, we talked quite a bit about all sorts subjects which blurred with RL quite a bit over time, conversations that started mostly with some sexual fantasy but ended up being blurry with experiences. We talked about tattoos a lot because I had been thinking about getting one for a few months, she had nice tattoo's. We had a lot of common topics, I even would log off sometimes because I felt like I was distracting her from work (and I was distracted from mine too). t turned out she designed tattoos sometimes when she wasn't on the camera.

She offered to design my tattoo, which kind of blew the sides off me being a kind of real and personal thing. I had confusing boundaries already as I worked on the bar in a strip club for 3 years and I was friends with quite a few of the girls in a totally non-physical way, the idea of knowing somebody who I've seen take their clothes off a lot was not that weird for me. My relationship with this model had gone way off course, I valued her friendship more than her body, she'd come to value my sex drive for not only tips as well.

I nearly went stalkerish, the boundaries were fussy, mostly based on the assumptions of the other one, it fucked everything up both got hurt, killed a friendship which was made in the wrong outfits. I never showed up for that to happen, I didn't see it happening just felt the pain when I finally did realise.

I don't have any advice except when you have regular clients, making it clear what's on offer and what's expected is important.

(If you read this one Kami then, sorry but can't fix it)

 

[MiaFoxUK]

"I don't have any advice except when you have regular clients, making it clear what's on offer and what's expected is important. "

Are you seriously blaming her for you getting obsessed?

 

[Deleted member 31926]

Are you seriously blaming her for you getting obsessed?

To be fair, her offering to design his tattoo sounds like a pretty big boundary violation.

 

[Gen]

To be fair, her offering to design his tattoo sounds like a pretty big boundary violation.

Why?

 

[Deleted member 31926]

Why?

That's pretty clearly mixing the personal with the professional, since tattoo design would not be part of her normal act and there's no mention of their negotiating a price for it.

 

[Gen]

That's pretty clearly mixing the personal with the professional, since tattoo design would not be part of her normal act and there's no mention of their negotiating a price for it.

I think it's hard to say what's a clear violation. Camming isn't like being a therapist or doctor or something that comes with a prescribed code of ethics. Camgirls sell a personal experience, so what's too personal to some (like the tattoo, for you) is simply an extension of the work of being friendly to others (how I view it). Genuinely don't see that as an overstep but either way our different outlooks highlight the importance of good communication and recognizing that a lot of dudes will perceive friendliness (or what a camgirl feels is appropriate work behaviour) as something more.

 

[Ambers Troll]

@snowman_99 your story is a good reflection of what getting too involved feels like, when you begin to see the woman rather than the model. I am not sure that there is too much that you can do about it in future. It can sneak up on you, and it can be painful. That you are self aware enough to know it was going off course is the important thing, you should be complimented for that, most can't see it.

I don't think that getting too involved is a bad thing, but can be a bad thing for some people. For example, I could never do what most regulars do, it is just too much focus on one model for me; I would get too attached, but many have no problem being a regular to their favourite model. I also couldn't visit a model for a good time without some involvement, I just find it too superficial and boring.

My point is that both models and members like different levels of personal involvement. I don't know that much can be done by either side of the camera to avoid any personal involvement from becoming poisoned. We can only set our boundaries, and look out for each other as best we can.

 

[Nordling]

Seems like something's missing from the story... You hung out in a model's room while she was working...got along well, chatted a lot...assume you tipped her enough to justify her time... you mentioned getting a tattoo...she offered to design it... then things "went off the rails." Was it the offer, or something subsequent? If you didn't want her to design your tat, then just say, "oh, no, I'm good," or whatever. Doesn't seem like a big deal at all, so what really happened?

 

[snowman_99]

i'm not blaming anybody but me for how I feel, I'm just saying how it looks over time from the other side of the camera and how when boundaries get blurred it sucks. I don't think it worked out well for either, no actual boundaries were violated, you don't always see it coming though.

 

[snowman_99]

Seems like something's missing from the story... You hung out in a model's room while she was working...got along well, chatted a lot...assume you tipped her enough to justify her time... you mentioned getting a tattoo...she offered to design it... then things "went off the rails." Was it the offer, or something subsequent? If you didn't want her to design your tat, then just say, "oh, no, I'm good," or whatever. Doesn't seem like a big deal at all, so what really happened?

A lot of time it would be a PM chat window/skype when I didn't even have her camera open, lot of times she opened it. I'd only tip if I was watching her show, lot of times the conversation was about guitars, tattoo's, work (hers or mine), creative stuff we were doing outside of work (art/music/writing), home stuff. It was a messy relationship....

 

[AnneDVille]

I'm really confused... so what exactly happened? You talked to the model about other things apart from the sex stuff.... and... then what?

 

[paige_orion]

I nearly went stalkerish, the boundaries were fussy, mostly based on the assumptions of the other one, it fucked everything up both got hurt, killed a friendship which was made in the wrong outfits. I never showed up for that to happen, I didn't see it happening just felt the pain when I finally did realise.

I don't have any advice except when you have regular clients, making it clear what's on offer and what's expected is important.

The last line is definitely concerning here. You say that you are sorry, but it doesn't feel like you are taking responsibility for your unacceptable behavior. The last line seems to put the blame on her shoulders for not being clear enough about what is on offer. I think it is pretty clear what is on offer. Her company. Her shows. Her conversation when it is compensated. And that's all. Nothing else. Unless she flat out said that she was into you and loved you (unless it was a part of a GFE fantasy show), then her love isn't offered.

From everything that was said, it seems like she was a very awesome camgirl. She gave you fun shows, awesome conversation. You tipped her and she gave you her company. That is the expectation. She offered you an additional service that she has experience in, and you accepted. I don't see anywhere how that would give you the wrong impression. She didn't toy with your heart or lead you on or tell you sob stories or manipulate or scam you in any way.

If a camgirl flat out says she loves you, then by all means, fall in love with her and hold her accountable for offering her heart. Yet a camgirl is clearly a fantasy. A sex-worker or a digital courtesan, if you will. The expectations are fairly obvious to anyone, I should think. You offer money. She offers company. Yet she is professional enough to make it more fun and enjoyable than a cut and dry business transaction - how boring that would be! I don't see anywhere that she lead you on or acted in any way way other than her job.

It gets frustrating to see men fall in love and then blame the model for not meeting their expectations, when their love was never anything that they wanted. Especially when it grows to something as unhealthy as obsession over something so innocent. Your emotions and your actions are your responsibility, not hers. She expects you to behave like a gentleman, a client, maybe even a friend. I think that should not need to be stated. Unless you have left out a vital part of the story, I fail to see where she crossed or blurred the lines between expectations and justifies or even explains the stalker behavior. Nothing gives anyone the right to be a stalker.

I hope this is a good learning experience. Don't fall in love with a camgirl. Enjoy their company. Maybe even their friendship, if you are truly lucky. Have fun!! It is supposed to be fun! But don't expect anything more. If you are looking to fall in love, seek it in the real world, not in digital sex shows. Be responsible for your emotions and your behavior. If you find yourself falling, then step away and find someone new to hang out with.

To be fair, her offering to design his tattoo sounds like a pretty big boundary violation.

I can't see how that is a big boundary violation since he mentioned that she has designed tattoos for others. If one designs tattoos as side work, I don't see how it would be violating anything to design something for another client. It doesn't mix the professional with the personal - it is two different professional worlds merging. It doesn't mean that she loves him. It means that she is talented at drawing tattoo designs and took on his commission, in addition to offering shows. Camgirls have a wide variety of talents and skills, and often enjoy employing them. It isn't a boundary violation to accept a commission using a different work method. I know cam girls who do custom paintings, drawings, short story writing. It is just a different product to offer. It doesn't mean anything except she is talented at what she does and offered to design something that would suit his needs. I don't think it's fair to accuse her of violating boundaries by simply offering another service, whether for compensation or just for the sake of friendship. Camgirls and clients are allowed to be friends - that doesn't violate any boundaries. But that still doesn't excuse or justify obsession or stalker behavior.

 

[Nordling]

A lot of time it would be a PM chat window/skype when I didn't even have her camera open, lot of times she opened it. I'd only tip if I was watching her show, lot of times the conversation was about guitars, tattoo's, work (hers or mine), creative stuff we were doing outside of work (art/music/writing), home stuff. It was a messy relationship....

I'm still confused. Sounds like fun small talk. What specifically "went off the rails?" What was "messy?"

 

[Picnic]

 

[Ambers Troll]

I don't see it as so confusing.. it is easy to get too close to people you like. Realizing that there is a limit to where it will lead can definitely hurt. Nothing needs to go wrong. Sometimes you can take a break, reassess things and return to an appropriate friendship or not.

About 2 years ago I was with a model who was tired of me not visiting as regularly as she expected, so she broke ties. A few months back we reconnected and have been enjoying each other regularly since. Sometimes a break is necessary to re-establish what you really want and to do some maturing in regard to others.

 

[MuffyMasters]

I'm not really understanding either. It sounds like you were both just being friendly. Did it just feel off to you? I'm not thinking that the model is really to blame here. It sounds like she was just being friendly with you.

 

[JGenius]

I don't see it as so confusing.. it is easy to get too close to people you like. Realizing that there is a limit to where it will lead can definitely hurt. Nothing needs to go wrong. Sometimes you can take a break, reassess things and return to an appropriate friendship or not.

About 2 years ago I was with a model who was tired of me not visiting as regularly as she expected, so she broke ties. A few months back we reconnected and have been enjoying each other regularly since. Sometimes a break is necessary to re-establish what you really want and to do some maturing in regard to others.

Not regurlay as she expected? But you do what you want as long you're not freeloading or being rude etc.. I'm not using adult webcam site anymore but during the year i've used them there is some models i've visited with nice talk in pvt but i've never considered that i've had to visited them more often. It's a business relationship models and members must respected each other but no more

 

[Ambers Troll]

Not regurlay as she expected? But you do what you want as long you're not freeloading or being rude etc.. I'm not using adult webcam site anymore but during the year i've used them there is some models i've visited with nice talk in pvt but i've never considered that i've had to visited them more often. It's a business relationship models and members must respected each other but no more

You are free to do what you want, but another person doesn't have to like it when you do. As much as I agree with you on the principle, this is an interactive business, and people can get their expectations and egos broken (model or member).

The OP felt his boundaries were pushed too far, that he wasn't handling that interaction too well. For the model it may have been friendly, with any of us the same, but not for him. He needs to reestablish what feels normal, and if he stays on site, the model needs to respect that. With some adjustment he may reconnect another time.
That he feels that his discomfort was encouraged is probably wrong. The model is just more comfortable with that type of interaction. Perhaps she may have been able to set better boundaries to protect him, but this is unlikely; he just connected to someone he liked.

 

[BobbyB]

See nothing cam specific here.....

You meet a girl at her workplace as a customer, then you get friendly and talk about personal stuff and she offers some help with a tattoo.....
Then you get the feeling that things are getting too close for comfort for you and you pull back.......

Guess happens everyday in real life.....

 

[Phoenix4987]

Just as confused as everyone else. It sounds like maybe you're the one who started to over think things and get stalkerish behavior. Here's a tip:

If you enjoy whatever relationship you're having, then don't do anything to fuck it up.

It sounds like you really liked her and probably wanted to meet her. But you rushed things. Only reason I say that is because you feel she has/had a legit sexual desire for you, share similar interests, and after your years of being being a member she's the first model to be special to you.

That's all fine and stuff but. Just waiting for the truth that you aren't telling us that probably pissed her off.

 

[MojitosJourney]

A lot of time it would be a PM chat window/skype when I didn't even have her camera open, lot of times she opened it. I'd only tip if I was watching her show, lot of times the conversation was about guitars, tattoo's, work (hers or mine), creative stuff we were doing outside of work (art/music/writing), home stuff. It was a messy relationship....

Wait, I'm so confused. I used to talk extensively and daily about a lot of personal subjects with a lot of members (before it burned me out and I had to stop.) Asking everyone here, is that "messy" to you guys - inappropriate cam behaviour? It seems normal to me, I thought everyone did it.

 

[yummybrownfox]

I have nothing to add at this moment (I'll probably reread this tomorrow afternoon), but this made me think of that time an MFC member messaged me asking me to take pics of my arm tattoos, and send them to him for his lady friend who wanted the exact same tattoos. I thought um...what? Unless your lady friend happens to have a passion for music, is really into stars, AND has a loved one named *the-name-on-my-arm*, why on Earth would she want to "copy" my tattoos? On one hand I was flattered, but on the other it's like...dude, what?

 

[Lelo1]

@snowman_99 ,

Delete her from your friends list on Skype, phone, extra. Lave her alone, Don't contact her, move on with your life.