Feeling Shamed for being a Cam Model

[squirtalot]

A few weeks ago in a different thread I wrote my story about how I was found out by my parents and the fortnight of misery that ensued. The dust had seemingly settled but today it all came up again. BTW I've been living with my parents while I wait to return to my home in another country. It is not possible for me to return there just yet but things are looking good and it hopefully seems I will be back by next month.

Today my parents' priest friend visited us and they decided to tell him that "She does Pornography". I cannot even begin to explain how awful I felt. Their rationale was "if you're doing it on camera, why not just stand naked on the road?". I was at a complete loss to respond to this nonsensical statement. I had to listen to the priest lecture me on how I'm "going against the laws of nature" and "doing underhand things". My father then interjected with how he thinks I'm making easy money and how its very bad.

I just feel awful. I saw that it was useless trying to justify myself to them. I keep telling myself that its only for a little while longer until I can go to my own home but its getting harder and harder. I am proud to be a cam model. I am proud to be earning my own living. I am proud of myself as a person. But I cannot bear being forced to feel guilt and shame when I feel neither. And I hated being forced to come out to this priest : my father's rationale was "You can be naked in front of hundreds of people so why are you embarrassed to tell a priest?"

And unfortunately this also affects me being able to perform on Chaturbate. I haven't been able to broadcast today because of this drama. I feel ill and unhappy and there's nobody to confide in.

 

[xoxAprilJames]

I'm so sorry you're going through that, and I'm so glad you'll be able to get yourself out of that situation soon. Sending you hugs, you'll get through this!

 

[JessicaXOXOXO]

Why not just rent a hotel/motel/air bnb/short term rental for the time being? Get you out of that shit storm...

 

[WitchFoxie]

yeah, I have the same thought of @JessicaXOXOXO , don't wait up, go be happy, toxic people don't change.

 

[Danigirl]

Religion is the biggest evil. It allows for judgements to be made holy instead of compassion and understanding. I grew up in a strict Christian home and now I'm agnostic. So much hypocrisy and judgement when even the Bible is supposed to say judge not. Sorry darling. Get out of there as soon as possible

 

[AudriTwo]

i'm gonna say it. your father is being an asshole and not respecting your privacy. Just because you get naked online doesn't mean you are forced to tell everyone about it who might make you feel uncomfortable. that is your business and not theirs. i'm sorry he put you in that situation withnout considering your feelings and comfort. i know it may be pointless to argue with religious people who are stuck in their ways and how toxic they can be.

happy you have one month left, but there is something that might make your time less stressful. look into grey rocking. its a method to help disengage and cope with your current situation.

Grey Rock Method: 6 Tips and Techniques

Grey rocking is a technique for dealing with manipulative or abusive people. We'll break down 6 techniques you can try out for yourself.

www.healthline.com

have you been able to get any mental support during this period? please take care of yourself and practice self-care. check out pineapple support to be able to get more support if your options are currently limited in your country. they offer someone to just listen, which in itself can be therapeutic.

 

[AussieCosplay]

Pineapple support truly are amazing, I definitely recommend talking to them to help process this.

You deserve to be in control of your life and who you tell about it.

You obviously already know this but just to reinforce, you are making an honest living, as well as making people happy.
You're not hurting anyone to do this, everyone is a consenting participant.

As mentioned above, religion is used as a way to judge others and put them down.

You might feel alone right now but we're here in solidarity.

 

[squirtalot]

Thank you all for your lovely words

i'm gonna say it. your father is being an asshole and not respecting your privacy. Just because you get naked online doesn't mean you are forced to tell everyone about it who might make you feel uncomfortable. that is your business and not theirs. i'm sorry he put you in that situation withnout considering your feelings and comfort. i know it may be pointless to argue with religious people who are stuck in their ways and how toxic they can be.

happy you have one month left, but there is something that might make your time less stressful. look into grey rocking. its a method to help disengage and cope with your current situation.

Grey Rock Method: 6 Tips and Techniques

Grey rocking is a technique for dealing with manipulative or abusive people. We'll break down 6 techniques you can try out for yourself.

www.healthline.com

have you been able to get any mental support during this period? please take care of yourself and practice self-care. check out pineapple support to be able to get more support if your options are currently limited in your country. they offer someone to just listen, which in itself can be therapeutic.

Do you remember a few weeks ago I wrote that he had threatened to "beat me up?" He did it to my mum last night. I was in the next room but I heard everything. The punches, the screams. I wanted to go out and stop it but I couldn't. I didn't want to see. I'm still in shock. This has happened in my presence once before but I know its happens sometimes. I wanted to ask my mum if shes ok but I can't bear to look her in the eye.

I feel like this is my fault. He's been in a bad temper for a few days now and I know he's upset over what I do. And of course my name got dragged into the fight last night where he repeatedly referred to me as "that prostitute". But I knew that was coming.

 

[yummybrownfox]

^That is horrible! Do you have enough money to go rent a cheap motel/airBnb for a month's stay, like another poster suggested earlier? Or even a friend or two that you could take turns staying with temporarily?

Your parents outing you to the priest was fucked up enough, but for your own father to threaten to beat you and to actually beat up your mom? OMG, is this something you've had to deal with for a while? Please get out of that house asap.

If you've gotta text/call/FB private message every single one of your friends that you trust, do it.

I wish your mom would get herself out of that situation too, but sadly, a lot of people believe that marriage is truly a "death 'til you part" thing, and will stand by their man no matter what because they believe divorce is a sin. *sigh* That sucks. But now it's time for you to protect yourself, at least.

 

[mika_kedi]

I feel like this is my fault. He's been in a bad temper for a few days now and I know he's upset over what I do. And of course my name got dragged into the fight last night where he repeatedly referred to me as "that prostitute". But I knew that was coming.

It is not your fault at all. Hurting someone weaker than you, dependant on you is a despicable act that only a person committing it is responsible for. No one else. And it's not "Christian" at all. Your father is a violent person who uses religion as a smoke screen and an excuse for his behaviour, he doesn't need a "reason" to act on his violent urges.

You don't deserve it and your mom doesn't deserve it and as @Songbird_Shelly said it's time for you to protect yourself, at least.

 

[squirtalot]

^That is horrible! Do you have enough money to go rent a cheap motel/airBnb for a month's stay, like another poster suggested earlier? Or even a friend or two that you could take turns staying with temporarily?

I wish your mom would get herself out of that situation too, but sadly, a lot of people believe that marriage is truly a "death 'til you part" thing, and will stand by their man no matter what because they believe divorce is a sin. *sigh* That sucks. But now it's time for you to protect yourself, at least.

I've decided to stay with a friend for a few days in another city. But now I'm being met with intense resistance from my mum. Dad doesn't know yet.
"what if you catch covid?"
"Who will look after you?"
" Why are you putting yourself in danger?"
" Why are you risking your future?"

Fear is the reason my mum is still in this marriage.

I just hope it doesn't turn into another huge fight when my dad finds out. It probably will

 

[squirtalot]

It is not your fault at all. Hurting someone weaker than you, dependant on you is a despicable act that only a person committing it is responsible for. No one else. And it's not "Christian" at all. Your father is a violent person who uses religion as a smoke screen and an excuse for his behaviour, he doesn't need a "reason" to act on his violent urges.

You don't deserve it and your mom doesn't deserve it and as @Songbird_Shelly said it's time for you to protect yourself, at least.

But you see, in a way it is my fault. Yes I know that ultimately he's responsible for his actions but I feel like I'm the catalyst that sets the fire alight. I have decided to leave for a few days and I'm sure that will turn into another argument and again that's my fault.

But - ufff. I just - well, I've never had the courage to do something like this before. And if my dad puts his foot down and simply says no going anywhere, there isn't really much I can do about it.

I guess the only thing I can say is that I feel in greater danger here than I do about going to stay with my friend.

 

[yummybrownfox]

I've decided to stay with a friend for a few days in another city. But now I'm being met with intense resistance from my mum. Dad doesn't know yet.
"what if you catch covid?"
"Who will look after you?"
" Why are you putting yourself in danger?"
" Why are you risking your future?"

Fear is the reason my mum is still in this marriage.

I just hope it doesn't turn into another huge fight when my dad finds out. It probably will

I'm glad you're out of the house, at least. I hope you didn't give your mom specific details about where you're staying, because she's just going to tell your dad where you are. I'd say to consider getting a restraining order against your dad (You're an adult, and he can't make you come live with him), but I'm not sure that's a good idea since I think restraining orders require the other person to know your address (so they know the address/vicinity they must stay away from). It wouldn't hurt to have something in the house to protect yourself with...doesn't have to be a gun. It could be pepper spray kept on your keychain...a knife...a baseball bat...a protective dog (if your friend has one).

 

[squirtalot]

I'm glad you're out of the house, at least. I hope you didn't give your mom specific details about where you're staying, because she's just going to tell your dad where you are. I'd say to consider getting a restraining order against your dad (You're an adult, and he can't make you come live with him), but I'm not sure that's a good idea since I think restraining orders require the other person to know your address (so they know the address/vicinity they must stay away from). It wouldn't hurt to have something in the house to protect yourself with...doesn't have to be a gun. It could be pepper spray kept on your keychain...a knife...a baseball bat...a protective dog (if your friend has one).

I'm not out of the house yet. I plan to leave in 2 days' time. I don't think a restraining order would have a positive effect.

 

[CheeseMoon]

But you see, in a way it is my fault.

Sorry to comment from the peanut gallery. It's just horrible to read your story and I'm sorry for the whole thing, but how he took this and what he did is not in any way your fault. He has sole responsibility for his actions, catalyst or not. Beating up people when stuff isn't going according to whatever plan he had is not on you. Nor is summoning a priest to try to talk you out of it. I realise there are embarrassment and shame and cultural things I don't know about in abundance here, but it's not really an excuse. Violence is never, ever rational. Don't blame yourself for any of this!

By the way: I'm a parent myself, and your mother's resistance is IMO just another way to say "I love you. Be safe". It's a thing. You should probably take her with you, but it's just the romantic in me speaking.

Hugs.

 

[squirtalot]

Sorry to comment from the peanut gallery. It's just horrible to read your story and I'm sorry for the whole thing, but how he took this and what he did is not in any way your fault. He has sole responsibility for his actions, catalyst or not. Beating up people when stuff isn't going according to whatever plan he had is not on you. Nor is summoning a priest to try to talk you out of it. I realise there are embarrassment and shame and cultural things I don't know about in abundance here, but it's not really an excuse. Violence is never, ever rational. Don't blame yourself for any of this!

By the way: I'm a parent myself, and your mother's resistance is IMO just another way to say "I love you. Be safe". It's a thing. You should probably take her with you, but it's just the romantic in me speaking.

Hugs.

Thank you xx

I had spoken to him about his tendency to hit people (not just my mum) and his remorseless answer was "that was the only solution"

I understand my Mum's concern but she uses fear as a means to control. She doesn't want me to leave the house. Period. And she'd never ever leave my father no matter how much he abused her.

And speaking of my mum controlling me, she's forbidden me to leave. I'm at a loss over what to do. I need to leave at least for a few days but even doing this is creating an upheaval in the house.

 

[AudriTwo]

i say stick to grey rocking. stop telling them your plans. focus on you and your wellbeing. you are an adult and they don't need to know all your plans. if you friend has been following social distancing, staying at home, and wearing masks you should be safe. the chances of catching covid are slim.

 

[yummybrownfox]

I'm not out of the house yet. I plan to leave in 2 days' time. I don't think a restraining order would have a positive effect.

Forget about the restraining order. We gave you other advice too. Can't you just go to that friend's house tonight instead of having to wait two more days? Did you explain to him/her that your dad threatened to beat you up, and actually did beat up your mom? Your parents can't "forbid" you to leave...you are an adult. Your mom is asking you "Why are you putting yourself in danger?," but you continuing to stay in that house with a violent man IS dangerous.

You've gotta stop letting your parents have control over you, and realize that your safety is more important than doing what pleases your mom and dad. They also do not need to constantly know your whereabouts, or to know about where you'll be staying. If your mom chooses to stay devoted to a man who treats her like a punching bag, as horrible as that is, that is her choice, and you can't help someone who doesn't wish to be helped. It doesn't mean that you have to stay there and continue to blame yourself. Any real parent would want their daughter to be HAPPY and be SAFE. You are not safe there, and you definitely aren't happy.

My lil' sis and I (She still lives there with my parents) talk about how controlling our dad is, but it's nothing at all like what you're dealing with. Parents who are controlling like this seem to think they own your ass, because you're living under their roof. The sooner you can get outta there, the better. If someone was threatening to beat me up and I didn't have someplace else to go that night, I'd be keeping a baseball bat/pepper spray/knife/etc. within reach in my bedroom.

I hope you'll keep us updated on this, and have some good news for us very soon about you being OUT of that house.

 

[Chiara_Montague]

@hotindiana25 You're out of the house now right? Are you safe? Do your parents live in a country where it's feasible to report your dad for domestic violence?

 

[dickwow99]

All i can say is prepare for the worst hope for the best. Hide your passport, don't get into any heated argument which can lead to unexpected things. Your strategy should be to survive the storm and not fight it. Keep the goal post in sight when you face resistance.

Regards.

 

[hotlinemiamilive]

Hi, we don't know one another, but I am begging you to please get out of your house! This sounds like the start of every tragic domestic abuse story. I don't want to be scary, but this IS a scary situation and they very rarely end well. For your safety, please consider calling a women's shelter for help!!! Many have the ability to help provide temp housing, especially if you can tell them you have a place to go in a few days.

 

[squirtalot]

@hotindiana25 You're out of the house now right? Are you safe? Do your parents live in a country where it's feasible to report your dad for domestic violence?

Hi, we don't know one another, but I am begging you to please get out of your house! This sounds like the start of every tragic domestic abuse story. I don't want to be scary, but this IS a scary situation and they very rarely end well. For your safety, please consider calling a women's shelter for help!!! Many have the ability to help provide temp housing, especially if you can tell them you have a place to go in a few days.

You've gotta stop letting your parents have control over you, and realize that your safety is more important than doing what pleases your mom and dad. They also do not need to constantly know your whereabouts, or to know about where you'll be staying. If your mom chooses to stay devoted to a man who treats her like a punching bag, as horrible as that is, that is her choice, and you can't help someone who doesn't wish to be helped. It doesn't mean that you have to stay there and continue to blame yourself. Any real parent would want their daughter to be HAPPY and be SAFE. You are not safe there, and you definitely aren't happy.

I hope you'll keep us updated on this, and have some good news for us very soon about you being OUT of that house.

Thank you all for these words of encouragement. I wasn't able to leave. My mum started a relentless stream of dire warnings about how I would catch covid and ruin my chances of going back to Europe and how I shouldn't be "headstrong" because that's why I'm in this situation etc etc etc until I acquiesced.

I've been keeping to myself now. Just leaving my room for meals and to go to the bathroom. I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever felt this low in my life and a few times the thought did cross my mind that my life as it is right now doesn't seem worth living. However, I've managed to pull myself slightly out of that hole though both my parents have a knack of pushing me back into it with their sudden outbursts of how "useless" I am, or how I can "do nothing right" etc etc etc.

I wish I had the courage to just defy them and leave regardless - but I don't. All I can do is wait for my return to Europe which I hope will be in the coming weeks. This too has been a major stress factor because the embassy just keeps on and on postponing their reopening.

 

[hotlinemiamilive]

How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and I hope you're in a good mental space right now. I know that it's hard to be in this kind of situation. Let us know if we can do anything to help, okay?

 

[diasysmith101]

I'm sending all positive vibes and strength your way. You are so strong!
I really hope you get out soon and get to enjoy who you are without their shadow over your head x

 

[hotlinemiamilive]

Hey Hotindiana25, hope you're doing okay! Sending love to you today!

 

[dickwow99]

@hotlinemiamilive seems fine as she was live yesterday..so all ok i guess

 

[hotlinemiamilive]

@hotlinemiamilive seems fine as she was live yesterday..so all ok i guess

Yeah I saw her the other night and tipped her a bit lol
Just following up, but I'm glad you saw her!

 

[dr_mylabanks]

I place my integrity over money always. I.e I only do what turns me on personally. And that's when I'm comfortable with. When I'm comfortable and authentic I do not feel shame. Or false guilt.

For me I'm comfortable with everything other than explicit foot fetishes. for personal reasons there's not an amount of money in the world that would make me want to do this or given to it.


Cam modeling is very liberating if you allow it to be. I have worked at Hooters. I have been a cabaret dancer and felt demoralized at both places.

Camming gives me liberation.

 

[squirtalot]

Yeah I saw her the other night and tipped her a bit lol
Just following up, but I'm glad you saw her!

I’m so touched! I think i remember you! Thank you so very much. it means more to me than i can say: that you and so many of you send me encouragement and words of s upport and fortitude- I’m very moved. Truly.

 

[CheeseMoon]

Thanks for checking in @hotindiana25 !
I can see on CB you've been active so-and-so number of hours ago when I'm there, but still ...