Feeling Kinda Gross

[AvaSnowSkin]

So I'm new to camming. Single mom here who lost her job and has tried SO hard to find another and use my resources. I'm talking 30+ applications, but I have scarce childcare options, so without someone to watch my kid until I get my first paycheck, I'm kind of screwed. So I started this.

It's like my 5th day, and I'm getting the hang of things and gaining loyal followers and all that. I'm pulling in money, no problem (not super high amounts but money I'm glad to have).

Tonight I did a show, and sometimes after a show, I just feel kind of... gross is the only way to put it. I really can't explain the feeling. It's more so when I do shows and am not feeling horny before or during and am just really doing it to make money.

Any advice, or just how do you pep yourself up on those days?

 

[JickyJuly]

If you don't like per minute camming, doing clips might be the way to go. It's also easier time wise. Hope things get better for you!

 

[DJ_Pioneer]

I am not going to pretend that I know what a cam model goes through before going online, but when I started a new job I hated it so much that every Sunday evening when I was showering before I went to bed I used to have a feeling of dread. Then Monday morning came with the bus ride to work and I used to wish that it would take longer so I wouldn't get to work so soon. I get to work and get through the day and it feels a little better because I am one day closer to the weekend. It gets better every day and when I go home on Friday I feel like pretty good. The weekend goes by and is good, but when Sunday comes I am standing there in the shower with the dread again. and the cycle repeats it self and continues to do so for several weeks. Then after maybe 9 weeks of this it starts to get better and it continues to get better for every week that goes by until I don't feel dread standing there in the shower on a Sunday evening.

There wasn't any better options for me at the time so I just had to keep going to work even though I felt lousy about it. Do your best and hopefully somewhere down the line you start feeling okay or you find some better opportunity. Take pride in the fact that you are doing the best you can to provide for your child or children in case you have more than one, because doing that is something laudable. I have to admit this is not the greatest pep talk, but I sincerely hope it goes well for you.

 

[SaffronBurke]

Try different sites, clips, phone, see what you're most comfortable with. If you feel gross after a certain type of show, you don't have to offer it. Don't feel right masturbating? Domme, do fetishes, try out tease and Non-nude shows. There are so many options in this industry, you can experiment until you see where you fit best.

 

[ThePrincessLuxy]

I am not going to pretend that I know what a cam model goes through before going online, but when I started a new job I hated it so much that every Sunday evening when I was showering before I went to bed I used to have a feeling of dread. Then Monday morning came with the bus ride to work and I used to wish that it would take longer so I wouldn't get to work so soon. I get to work and get through the day and it feels a little better because I am one day closer to the weekend. It gets better every day and when I go home on Friday I feel like pretty good. The weekend goes by and is good, but when Sunday comes I am standing there in the shower with the dread again. and the cycle repeats it self and continues to do so for several weeks. Then after maybe 9 weeks of this it starts to get better and it continues to get better for every week that goes by until I don't feel dread standing there in the shower on a Sunday evening.

There wasn't any better options for me at the time so I just had to keep going to work even though I felt lousy about it. Do your best and hopefully somewhere down the line you start feeling okay or you find some better opportunity. Take pride in the fact that you are doing the best you can to provide for your child or children in case you have more than one, because doing that is something laudable. I have to admit this is not the greatest pep talk, but I sincerely hope it goes well for you.

I really like this. Work is work. For the majority of us this is how we will feel with almost any job. At some point if you decide to continue you will just realize that we are camgirls. And this is just what we do, love it or hate it. There are some days still I feel ashamed a bit, not because of the nature of the job anymore, but because I wonder if I belong in another field (like the one I got my fancy degree in). I've chalked it up to the grass will always be greener on the other side. I've had 5 years now to think long and hard about where this guilt comes from and I have no doubt if I became a serious professional in my area of study I'd regret it just as much, if not more, with all the Sunday's for the rest of my life shrouded in dread. At least this way I only dread it if I'm having a bad week

I hope you get to feeling better Ava. Doing normal things helped me when I was new. Walks, being with people outside of sex work, going to a movie, going to school, studying at library, etc. You're going through normal new camgirl emotions. If you do decide to leave, remember you are here forever. There is no stressing or regret that can take this back. No use in letting this consume you. It won't change anything. Move on with your life and hold your chin up high for providing. Good luck!

 

[Ambers Troll]

Work is work. For the majority of us this is how we will feel with almost any job.

I think in general this, feeling a bit gross might be part of the job sometimes. For most work you take the positives with the negatives and try to look more towards job satisfaction.

I suspect you are feeling a bit like you are not giving the spender what they deserve when you are not having fun with it? I think it is nice that you feel that way.
You need not worry, the partner will most likely not sense it and have almost as much fun as when you are enjoying it. Not being into it may well enable you to focus on the customer more, to really listen to them and focus on their needs. I would recommend that you try that, it is about their pleasure after all.

 

[AwesomeKate]

I am here to tell you that men do not mind if you fake your arousal. Don't feel guilty about that. Most of them cannot tell a real orgasm from a fake. You still earned the money they have given, even if you are only going through the motions. Don't spend another second worrying about that. Secondly, sex is only sacred if you believe it is. I am not here to tell you what morals you should have. If trading sex for money goes against your value system, then this will never be the job for you. If this is the case, your shame response is trying to tell you to stop. I would listen to it so that you are more in touch with your true self.

If you evaluate your beliefs and find that sex is NOT sacred to you, then the shame is most likely coming from external, societal expectations. There have been so many powerful people who have denigrated sex work throughout history, it is hard to completely break the chains. It has been drilled into us that we should reserve our sexuality for someone we love and DEFINITELY never put a price tag on sexual acts. It has become quite obvious to me that this sexual shame often emerges in very harmful and dangerous ways among the sexually frustrated. I think sex workers perform a great service to society and would like to see all forms of it made legal and more services easy to obtain. If any of this resonates with you, then maybe you could stick around and try to work through the shame and come out on the other side more confident and happy about selling sex.

It is still a huge mountain I am trying to climb over. I still get pangs of guilt about what I do. Then I remember that everyone watches porn*. Everyone masturbates*. Everyone wishes they could act on their sexual desires in a healthy, harmonious way. People want to overcome the dogma for their own sanity and well-being. It is very hard though. I wish you luck in figuring it out.

*Obviously not everyone, but most definitely the majority.

 

[VeronicaChaos]

I think in general this, feeling a bit gross might be part of the job sometimes. For most work you take the positives with the negatives and try to look more towards job satisfaction.

I suspect you are feeling a bit like you are not giving the spender what they deserve when you are not having fun with it? I think it is nice that you feel that way.
You need not worry, the partner will most likely not sense it and have almost as much fun as when you are enjoying it. Not being into it may well enable you to focus on the customer more, to really listen to them and focus on their needs. I would recommend that you try that, it is about their pleasure after all.

Having had a plethora of shitty jobs before I entered the sex industry 9 years ago, I strongly feel that feeling gross from a normal job and feeling gross from sex work are incomparable. Sex is an incredibly personal and intimate thing for most people. To me, the grossness from doing sex stuff I regret feels a bit closer to experiencing someone taking advantage of you sexually than it does regular job woes, even if it was consensual; it has a way of getting under your skin. Now, I'm not saying that everyone feels this way, but there is definitely a difference. I'm also not saying that anyone who feels this way should get another job or anything. It's super easy to find yourself participating in sex acts that make you feel gross afterward when you're new and not sure what your limits are yet. I've let myself get pushed/pushed myself past those limits so many times in my career, and I took those experiences as learning opportunities to find what I am happy doing. I love my career and don't regret any of those experiences, but I'm very glad I didn't sweep any of those feelings under the rug because I thought it was normal to feel gross in this industry. You don't have to, and honestly it's more profitable to not compromise yourself in that way. A lot of girls leave very quickly when they can't learn their limits and make peace with their work.

 

[Gen]

Having had a plethora of shitty jobs before I entered the sex industry 9 years ago, I strongly feel that feeling gross from a normal job and feeling gross from sex work are incomparable. Sex is an incredibly personal and intimate thing for most people. To me, the grossness from doing sex stuff I regret feels a bit closer to experiencing someone taking advantage of you sexually than it does regular job woes, even if it was consensual; it has a way of getting under your skin. Now, I'm not saying that everyone feels this way, but there is definitely a difference. I'm also not saying that anyone who feels this way should get another job or anything. It's super easy to find yourself participating in sex acts that make you feel gross afterward when you're new and not sure what your limits are yet. I've let myself get pushed/pushed myself past those limits so many times in my career, and I took those experiences as learning opportunities to find what I am happy doing. I love my career and don't regret any of those experiences, but I'm very glad I didn't sweep any of those feelings under the rug because I thought it was normal to feel gross in this industry. You don't have to, and honestly it's more profitable to not compromise yourself in that way. A lot of girls leave very quickly when they can't learn their limits and make peace with their work.

This sums up my experiences and feelings perfectly, thanks @VeronicaChaos! I don't think it's the same as "ugh Mondays" and I don't think it's useful to act as if it universally is.

 

[Gen]

This sums up my experiences and feelings perfectly, thanks @VeronicaChaos! I don't think it's the same as "ugh Mondays" and I don't think it's useful to act as if it universally is.

I realized this might sound glib towards other people's shitty jobs, or like a reaction to the posts shared here, and I didn't mean it to. I had a job where I calculated how many days I'd be able to skip if I threw myself down the stairs or stabbed my hand with a box cutter, similar to like DJ_Pioneer mentioned. So I'm not trying to be dismissive or disagree with those posts!

I just see a lot of sentiment that sex work is just like every other job, and I think that discounts the emotional and mental aspects of sex that are present for many people. It's my opinion that sex work is fairly unique in that regard, for most.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

I'm only vaguely familiar with what a person in the sex industry goes through, as I have personally known a few. But, I can understand some of the dreaded feelings of different types of work. Won't try to compare the two, for the reasons others have mentioned.

Just wanted to say that I wish you all the best, and hope you can find comfort in the words of the other models here.

 

[followthespiders22]

I'm new aswell and I've been camming just for a couple days, but I think I'm getting the hang of this rather quickly and I've successfully avoided feeling gross afterwards. I think it's best to play it safe, when someone suggests something I'm definitely not doing I go for something similar to this: "Sorry, I'm too shy for that, honey, and you wouldn't want me to look uncomfortable, it's just not best for both of us. I want to show you something genuine, true fun", and at least for me that simultaneously avoids negative comments from users, and it also conveys the message that anything they do get to see, will be the real thing (even if you exaggerate or lie a little about being turned on). You can also offer something similar that you're actually comfortable with and maybe the'll go for it. On the other hand, if someone is suggesting something you're not completely sure about, but you're willing to try it, warn them about this feeling you have: "Hey, that sounds fun and hot but I'm a little shy so I can't guarantee X thing happens, but would you like me to try anyways?" try to sound playful, and they will either decline or accept, but this guarantees that your clients will be caring and kind with you, and I've also found that for some people this shy-thing is actually a turn on. Some users are willing to pay and wait for you to get comfortable, and I think it's a special thing to build confidence and trust with certain users, and it's something that might help you get friends and regulars, because they perceive this connection.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries and I think it's the best strategy in the long term, you want to be able to actually have fun camming instead of dreading it, even from a purely practical and business perspective. But of course it's also very important for your emotional health.

 

[SaffronBurke]

I think it's best to play it safe, when someone suggests something I'm definitely not doing I go for something similar to this: "Sorry, I'm too shy for that, honey, and you wouldn't want me to look uncomfortable, it's just not best for both of us. I want to show you something genuine, true fun"

I would be careful with that, because there are a tiny handful of members who get off on pushing limits and making models uncomfortable. They're an extreme minority, fortunately, but they do exist.

 

[Mintx]

It's okay to take a day off from camming! You can work on finding other sites to cam on, or try phone sex, or clip making! I struggle to get into camming on days I am not feeling exactly sexy, so I work on my Manyvids profile or something like that and add items or edit videos.

 

[followthespiders22]

I would be careful with that, because there are a tiny handful of members who get off on pushing limits and making models uncomfortable. They're an extreme minority, fortunately, but they do exist.

Thank you, I didn't know about this. If this happens, do you think it would be a good strategy to ignore/block them, I mean if they get too pushy?

 

[SaffronBurke]

Thank you, I didn't know about this. If this happens, do you think it would be a good strategy to ignore/block them, I mean if they get too pushy?

Absolutely! Never feel bad about blocking someone who makes your cam room unpleasant, that's why we have that ability.

 

[Striker44]

I am a member, but I would agree with SaffronBurke. If there's someone who's rude or pushy then "When in doubt, ban". Always remember it's your room and your rules. If a guy doesn't like that he should move on or you should show him the door.

I will just point out however, that it's easy for a guy to change his name on MFC. I do not know if simply changing the name gets around the ban. I've had model friends say "If I ban him he'll just come back under a different name". So just keep that in mind.

 

[LaceyRoyce]

if you can afford it this book may be a really big help to you.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071SKH43M/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

 

[SaffronBurke]

I will just point out however, that it's easy for a guy to change his name on MFC. I do not know if simply changing the name gets around the ban. I've had model friends say "If I ban him he'll just come back under a different name". So just keep that in mind.

If one account is banned, changing the name won't effect that. However, some members have multiple accounts, which may be what those ladies are referring to.

 

[Alice_in_Bows]

Hey!

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. And anyone else in here feeling it too. All these posts are great advice and introspection. I think every girl/guy cams for their own reasons and to reiterate what's been said by everyone else: what's important is to maintain your mental health, boundaries, and security in your choices. For me, I want to cam because I love myself and I want to be sexy. "I do this for me" kind of thing. It took me a long time to come out of my shell and accept myself--truly accept myself. For me, the "gross" feeling doesn't come from the idea of dreading working, but because of the partners in my past who exploited and used me for that 'sexy' part of me--that intimate side that can feel so loveless when you force it. But once I remember why I want to do the things I want to do, I remind myself that I am safe and that this is my choice. If you treat it like work, it will never be something you can enjoy, I think.

I know you, Ava, have said you have to do this for the money to support your family while you find another job, but hey! There's a lot of great things that can come from this. It can be SO empowering. You are in control here (unless you want the guys to be in control ). The customers you have are an array of different people who can even become your friends.You can explore your sexuality and what you like and don't like. Maybe come out of this stronger, more confident, and more beautiful! You got this. And I send this back at any other lady or gent who is feeling 'gross', insecure, scared, anxious, or anything else.

Like someone mentioned before, your values are your values and it's up to you how you feel about sex work, but I think we are in a revolutionary period where sexual empowerment of women is slowly becoming the norm. I hope that you can enjoy your time. I stopped being a physical escort in person because I didn't enjoy it. Camming ended up being so much better for me.

 

[PJacoba]

I feel like I am so f***ed in the head for saying this, but I used to work in the veterinary industry and I PERSONALLY find cam work to be far less degrading and leaves me with only a fraction of that "gross" feeling. Going into work, getting paid less than a living wage to be mocked, harassed both verbally and sexually were constants no matter where I went. This post is by no means supposed to disregard your feelings or lessen them. I just want to let you know you are definitely not alone and you are absolutely in control of how much you show and what you do. I think that is another reason why I enjoy camming. I am my own boss and I don't have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

 

[Jessperation]

This was so well-written Kate.

I am here to tell you that men do not mind if you fake your arousal. Don't feel guilty about that. Most of them cannot tell a real orgasm from a fake. You still earned the money they have given, even if you are only going through the motions. Don't spend another second worrying about that. Secondly, sex is only sacred if you believe it is. I am not here to tell you what morals you should have. If trading sex for money goes against your value system, then this will never be the job for you. If this is the case, your shame response is trying to tell you to stop. I would listen to it so that you are more in touch with your true self.

If you evaluate your beliefs and find that sex is NOT sacred to you, then the shame is most likely coming from external, societal expectations. There have been so many powerful people who have denigrated sex work throughout history, it is hard to completely break the chains. It has been drilled into us that we should reserve our sexuality for someone we love and DEFINITELY never put a price tag on sexual acts. It has become quite obvious to me that this sexual shame often emerges in very harmful and dangerous ways among the sexually frustrated. I think sex workers perform a great service to society and would like to see all forms of it made legal and more services easy to obtain. If any of this resonates with you, then maybe you could stick around and try to work through the shame and come out on the other side more confident and happy about selling sex.

It is still a huge mountain I am trying to climb over. I still get pangs of guilt about what I do. Then I remember that everyone watches porn*. Everyone masturbates*. Everyone wishes they could act on their sexual desires in a healthy, harmonious way. People want to overcome the dogma for their own sanity and well-being. It is very hard though. I wish you luck in figuring it out.

*Obviously not everyone, but most definitely the majority.

Thi

I am here to tell you that men do not mind if you fake your arousal. Don't feel guilty about that. Most of them cannot tell a real orgasm from a fake. You still earned the money they have given, even if you are only going through the motions. Don't spend another second worrying about that. Secondly, sex is only sacred if you believe it is. I am not here to tell you what morals you should have. If trading sex for money goes against your value system, then this will never be the job for you. If this is the case, your shame response is trying to tell you to stop. I would listen to it so that you are more in touch with your true self.

If you evaluate your beliefs and find that sex is NOT sacred to you, then the shame is most likely coming from external, societal expectations. There have been so many powerful people who have denigrated sex work throughout history, it is hard to completely break the chains. It has been drilled into us that we should reserve our sexuality for someone we love and DEFINITELY never put a price tag on sexual acts. It has become quite obvious to me that this sexual shame often emerges in very harmful and dangerous ways among the sexually frustrated. I think sex workers perform a great service to society and would like to see all forms of it made legal and more services easy to obtain. If any of this resonates with you, then maybe you could stick around and try to work through the shame and come out on the other side more confident and happy about selling sex.

It is still a huge mountain I am trying to climb over. I still get pangs of guilt about what I do. Then I remember that everyone watches porn*. Everyone masturbates*. Everyone wishes they could act on their sexual desires in a healthy, harmonious way. People want to overcome the dogma for their own sanity and well-being. It is very hard though. I wish you luck in figuring it out.

*Obviously not everyone, but most definitely the majority.

 

[Jessperation]

THIS. A million times this. I was a family therapist before camming and they worked me TO THE BONE. Our clients were very high trauma so I was taking in trauma all day long, my supervisor packed our caseloads and work responsibilities (while she'd leave early to get a massage or acupuncture), and we weren't given the freedom to set work boundaries. When I expressed feeling burnt out and overloaded, they'd talk to me for a couple minutes about self-care, then give me more clients I didn't have enough hours in the day for. We weren't making enough to even live on, while the cost of education to do the job is around six figures. I began to resent my clients, feel like I was losing myself, I was always stressed about money, and I was just miserable. It felt impossible to do good work while I was watching myself being a broken and discouraged human being.

In camming we can say no, we can take a break, we can recreate ourselves in unique ways, and we can really design our rooms to be the way we want them to be. Also, the financial freedom has completely altered my life.

I started out as a non nude model and it was a couple years before I started showing the goods. You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable doing. You are in control. I didn't make as much then, but I moved at a gradual pace that worked for me.

Sorry for double posting.

I feel like I am so f***ed in the head for saying this, but I used to work in the veterinary industry and I PERSONALLY find cam work to be far less degrading and leaves me with only a fraction of that "gross" feeling. Going into work, getting paid less than a living wage to be mocked, harassed both verbally and sexually were constants no matter where I went. This post is by no means supposed to disregard your feelings or lessen them. I just want to let you know you are definitely not alone and you are absolutely in control of how much you show and what you do. I think that is another reason why I enjoy camming. I am my own boss and I don't have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

 

[Logan469]

I definitely understand what you mean. I don't have an icky feeling after but its a very odd feeling, even when its been a good night. Im also bi polar so my findings may be irrelevant to yours. I do feel enormous pressure when i get to a show and i have to put it out of my head or the boner will be gone VERY QUICKLY, plus theres no way i know of to fake an orgasm for guys lmao. Still trying to work out if its "new model" jitters still or just that its not for me. Keep your head up and do whatever you need to. A lot of great things in this post and Lolli thanks im gonna check out that book.

 

[followthespiders22]

In camming we can say no, we can take a break, we can recreate ourselves in unique ways, and we can really design our rooms to be the way we want them to be. Also, the financial freedom has completely altered my life.

This, THIS.

I'm working as an interpreter part time, but they forced me to sign a resignation letter with a blank date before they even gave me the contract for the job, and I just signed everything because it was my best option at the time. This week I had a kinda radioactive cold, and I tried to ask for a day off but I was literally threatened: "You've had way too many health and technical issues this year, you're not allowed to have free time anymore, we can always get someone else." Also, earlier this year I had a stomach infection, and combined with my ulcera it was absolutely horrible, I had to rush into the ER of a random hospital and because it was not affiliated to my workplace, my time off was considered just missing work instead of sick time. I don't feel precisely gross but I do feel degraded, dehumanized and miserable. Users who watch me on cam seemed far more concerned about my well being than my boss from my "day work". They've literally told me "your health goes first" several times now and I've never heard that before in a work environment.

 

[MorteTorment]

So I'm new to camming. Single mom here who lost her job and has tried SO hard to find another and use my resources. I'm talking 30+ applications, but I have scarce childcare options, so without someone to watch my kid until I get my first paycheck, I'm kind of screwed. So I started this.

It's like my 5th day, and I'm getting the hang of things and gaining loyal followers and all that. I'm pulling in money, no problem (not super high amounts but money I'm glad to have).

Tonight I did a show, and sometimes after a show, I just feel kind of... gross is the only way to put it. I really can't explain the feeling. It's more so when I do shows and am not feeling horny before or during and am just really doing it to make money.

Any advice, or just how do you pep yourself up on those days?

Really sorry that it's having an effect on you and you have to do something that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Hope that your life gets better and you can do something that you enjoy more.

 

[MorteTorment]

I am in a caring profession, and I've decided to make that work very part-time and the cam work almost full-time (I wanna hold onto my extended health coverage from work). I'm very privileged to be in the position to be able to do so! I love the cam work for the autonomy. I love calling the shots, and not always having to be inclusive, nurturing, making other people's problems my problems, etc. that comes with caring professions.

I experienced the "I'm a gross slut" feeling, and found it often came from changing hats, so to speak, from what I considered the "real" job to the cam job. I can only imagine the conflict inherent in switching between being mom and being a camgirl, but tons of awesome ladies on here make it work! Remember you're providing fun adult entertainment for other adults: you aren't exploiting children or doing anything unconsentual. You're really an actress, and while you may genuinely really, really enjoy it sometimes, other times you're 100% acting, and that's fine! It's like working retail and smiling at everyone: you may enjoy talking and interacting with many of the customers, but a lot of time you're just putting in the motions, and that's ok!

I think that's a very good attitude to have.

 

[Kiki Jane]

I am in a caring profession, and I've decided to make that work very part-time and the cam work almost full-time (I wanna hold onto my extended health coverage from work). I'm very privileged to be in the position to be able to do so! I love the cam work for the autonomy. I love calling the shots, and not always having to be inclusive, nurturing, making other people's problems my problems, etc. that comes with caring professions.

I experienced the "I'm a gross slut" feeling, and found it often came from changing hats, so to speak, from what I considered the "real" job to the cam job. I can only imagine the conflict inherent in switching between being mom and being a camgirl, but tons of awesome ladies on here make it work! Remember you're providing fun adult entertainment for other adults: you aren't exploiting children or doing anything unconsentual. You're really an actress, and while you may genuinely really, really enjoy it sometimes, other times you're 100% acting, and that's fine! It's like working retail and smiling at everyone: you may enjoy talking and interacting with many of the customers, but a lot of time you're just putting in the motions, and that's ok!

 

[Deleted member 16664]

I experienced a ton of shame when I started. I went back and forth about it for quite a while---tore me up in a lot of ways. Ultimately, I did stop camming. However, for me most of my shame came from letting people do what they wanted with me, which was a form of control I didn't want to give up to a stranger. For me, that's the part I felt gross about. Then I later realized I didn't want to be submissive, but dominant with people and tell them what to do. Now that the tables have turned, I'm much better. Sometimes I still feel shame, but only for my occasional rude actions towards another individual.