Don't Shave That Hair!!!

[Bocefish]

Too much seriousness of late, so, on the lighter side of man's baboon ass and monkey butt problems...

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occbuttionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ascheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to clbutt. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after clbutt, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. HOT-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!

 

[AllisonWilder]

:lol: :lol:

 

[LacieLaPlante]

Yeah, waxing is the ONLY way to get rid of butt hair imho. The hairs grow back nice and soft instead of sharp and itchy. I know there are some models who have reached butt-hairless success, but even my boyfriend maintains that he'd rather I not shave it because it's too uncomfortable for his pene.

This was a hilarious story, thanks for sharing haha.

 

[AmberCutie]

After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ascheeks sliding past each other with every step.

I'm pretty sure I've posted in the Pet Peeves thread or somewhere that I HATE sweaty asscrack. And as a girl who has been removing hair from my nether regions most of her life now, I can tell you, this sweaty sensation, especially when combined with the bit of stubble that I SWEAR starts growing back within mere hours of shaving, is one of the most unpleasant feelings ever.

 

[Bocefish]

:mrgreen: http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

 

[AmberCutie]

:mrgreen: http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

I'm woman enough to admit that I have the girl version of that, and it doesn't do ANYTHING except make me smell like baby powder and make my clothes white and powdery.

 

[PunkInDrublic]

At what age do guys start to get ass hair? Not looking forward to this.

 

[Jupiter551]

:mrgreen: http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

I'm woman enough to admit that I have the girl version of that, and it doesn't do ANYTHING except make me smell like baby powder and make my clothes white and powdery.

Well, it seems there is at least ONE embarassing problem I don't have, good start to the day :dance:

 

[Dave550]

:mrgreen: http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

I'm woman enough to admit that I have the girl version of that, and it doesn't do ANYTHING except make me smell like baby powder and make my clothes white and powdery.

That's odd I know some motorcycle and bicycle riders male and female who swear by this stuff.

 

[AmberCutie]

:mrgreen: http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

I'm woman enough to admit that I have the girl version of that, and it doesn't do ANYTHING except make me smell like baby powder and make my clothes white and powdery.

That's odd I know some motorcycle and bicycle riders male and female who swear by this stuff.

I'm a really sweaty girl. Haha. :lol:

 

[Dave550]

At what age do guys start to get ass hair? Not looking forward to this.

As card carrying member of the hair suit club for men it started at the ripe old age of 12 for me. :lol:

 

[Bocefish]

:mrgreen: http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

I'm woman enough to admit that I have the girl version of that, and it doesn't do ANYTHING except make me smell like baby powder and make my clothes white and powdery.

That's odd I know some motorcycle and bicycle riders male and female who swear by this stuff.

I'm a really sweaty girl. Haha. :lol:

Oh, so now we're talkin' supreme swamp azz, eh? :lol: That's a whole different sorta scenario. If you were a guy I'd suggest UnderArmour boxer briefs, they do a fine job of keeping sweat wicked away from the nether regions with their Signature Moisture Transport System that wicks sweat and dries quickly, anti-odor technology that prevents the growth of odor-causing microbes and a smooth, chafe-free flatlock seam construction. But I gots nothin' comparable to suggest for wimmenz. :dontknow:

 

[Shaun__]

That is one of the places I lost my hair during chemo, I never had any problems with it.

 

[AmberCutie]

:mrgreen: http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

I'm woman enough to admit that I have the girl version of that, and it doesn't do ANYTHING except make me smell like baby powder and make my clothes white and powdery.

That's odd I know some motorcycle and bicycle riders male and female who swear by this stuff.

I'm a really sweaty girl. Haha. :lol:

Oh, so now we're talkin' supreme swamp azz, eh? :lol: That's a whole different sorta scenario. If you were a guy I'd suggest UnderArmour boxer briefs, they do a fine job of keeping sweat wicked away from the nether regions with their Signature Moisture Transport System that wicks sweat and dries quickly, anti-odor technology that prevents the growth of odor-causing microbes and a smooth, chafe-free flatlock seam construction. But I gots nothin' comparable to suggest for wimmenz. :dontknow:

Let me straighten something out... I don't have ODOR problems, for fuck's sake I SMELL LIKE DAMN ROSES but I sweat like crazy. I'm a wet with sweat, rosy smelling BIYATCH.

 

[Bocefish]

LMAO, swamps are just low-lying areas where water collects. Didn't mean to imply anything odiferous was going on down there.

 

[AmberCutie]

LMAO, swamps are just low-lying areas where water collects. Didn't mean to imply anything odiferous was going on down there.

:lol:

GOOD! Cuz you know we wommenz smell like flowers ALL THE TIME!!

Ok, well sometime we smell like cupcakes or cookies. But we smell delicious ALL THE TIME!

 

[Just Me]

This same warning can be applied to shaving your balls. :lol: Especially if you are wearing boxers or shorts, prepare to have your scrotum sticking to your thighs and gods knows what else. It is very uncomfortable.

 

[Aella]

Oh, so now we're talkin' supreme swamp azz, eh? :lol: That's a whole different sorta scenario. If you were a guy I'd suggest UnderArmour boxer briefs, they do a fine job of keeping sweat wicked away from the nether regions with their Signature Moisture Transport System that wicks sweat and dries quickly, anti-odor technology that prevents the growth of odor-causing microbes and a smooth, chafe-free flatlock seam construction. But I gots nothin' comparable to suggest for wimmenz. :dontknow:

Let me straighten something out... I don't have ODOR problems, for fuck's sake I SMELL LIKE DAMN ROSES but I sweat like crazy. I'm a wet with sweat, rosy smelling BIYATCH.

Dude. I sweat so much, sometimes I have trouble not slipping and falling when walking on hardwood floors in the summer. I carry a towel around with me constantly for my hands. When I was younger my parents considered surgery.

It's baaad, man. I feel your sweat problems keenly. -splashy high five-

 

[JerryBoBerry]

This same warning can be applied to shaving your balls. :lol: Especially if you are wearing boxers or shorts, prepare to have your scrotum sticking to your thighs and gods knows what else. It is very uncomfortable.

Tweeze, don't shave. :laughing1:


And for some reason I've had the overwhelming urge to post this emote since this thread started. :bootyshake:

 

[Just Me]

This same warning can be applied to shaving your balls. :lol: Especially if you are wearing boxers or shorts, prepare to have your scrotum sticking to your thighs and gods knows what else. It is very uncomfortable.

Tweeze, don't shave. :laughing1:


And for some reason I've had the overwhelming urge to post this emote since this thread started. :bootyshake:

Tweezing would not help. It is the hairless aspect that allows the scrotum to stick to everything. Only way to avoid it is to use talcum powder or tight fitting clothing. :lol:

 

[Jupiter551]

Oh, so now we're talkin' supreme swamp azz, eh? :lol: That's a whole different sorta scenario. If you were a guy I'd suggest UnderArmour boxer briefs, they do a fine job of keeping sweat wicked away from the nether regions with their Signature Moisture Transport System that wicks sweat and dries quickly, anti-odor technology that prevents the growth of odor-causing microbes and a smooth, chafe-free flatlock seam construction. But I gots nothin' comparable to suggest for wimmenz. :dontknow:

Let me straighten something out... I don't have ODOR problems, for fuck's sake I SMELL LIKE DAMN ROSES but I sweat like crazy. I'm a wet with sweat, rosy smelling BIYATCH.

tbh it looks pristine too