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“They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster”

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Jun 28, 2010
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I don't know who all may have read this yesterday, but it made my day both with the sentiment and language used and thought others would be entertained by such a letter.

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to "inhibit such expressions from your employee." This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe's response to Burns.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):
1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. "Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement." Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who's "deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland"? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you're going to say that political views have "no place in a sport"? I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I'm fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I've also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your "I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing" and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

I am not deep into sports, so I had not read that. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

Bocefish said:
What I want to know is why some gay dudes are somehow better qualified to be hair dressers or fashion consultants in the eyes of women than other women equally trained? That has always baffled me.

Because they're women, and men are always better than women. :roll:

(that was sarcasm)
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

LadyLuna said:
Bocefish said:
What I want to know is why some gay dudes are somehow better qualified to be hair dressers or fashion consultants in the eyes of women than other women equally trained? That has always baffled me.

Because they're women, and men are always better than women. :roll:

(that was sarcasm)
Did it again :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing3: that was :lol: and was laughing so hard could hardly read the last line - sarcasm, your kidding...
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

LadyLuna said:
Bocefish said:
What I want to know is why some gay dudes are somehow better qualified to be hair dressers or fashion consultants in the eyes of women than other women equally trained? That has always baffled me.

Because they're women, and men are always better than women. :roll:

(that was sarcasm)
:lol: Someone needs to tell Donatella Versace that's she's really a man. lol
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

Because women are spiteful creatures and do not want another woman to look better than them.
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

Bocefish said:
What I want to know is why some gay dudes are somehow better qualified to be hair dressers or fashion consultants in the eyes of women than other women equally trained? That has always baffled me.
Hey, I used to get my hair cut and dyed by a straight man. Don't knock them either. The man's wife was gorgeous and I'm sure was half the reason he had such great taste and excellent manners. :thumbleft:
 
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Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

Having read this letter just now, I realized that this is the first time in history that I'm actually proud of my states football team. Well, at least this member of the team, anyhow. Go Vikings. =)
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

blackxrose said:
Bocefish said:
What I want to know is why some gay dudes are somehow better qualified to be hair dressers or fashion consultants in the eyes of women than other women equally trained? That has always baffled me.
Hey, I used to get my hair cut and dyed by a straight man. Don't knock them either. The man's wife was gorgeous and I'm sure was half the reason he had such great taste and excellent manners. :thumbleft:

Personally, I prefer to get my hair cut by straight men because in my experience they aren't as chatty, and I don't enjoy making small talk with near-strangers. I know I'm stereotyping there a bit, but that just seems to be how it's worked out for me.

Not to get too far off topic, I used to play bass for Lustful Cockmonster. One time Fromunda Stain opened for us. And I approve of most any communication that includes the phrase "holy fucking shitballs". But especially this.
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

Nordling said:
LadyLuna said:
Bocefish said:
What I want to know is why some gay dudes are somehow better qualified to be hair dressers or fashion consultants in the eyes of women than other women equally trained? That has always baffled me.

Because they're women, and men are always better than women. :roll:

(that was sarcasm)
:lol: Someone needs to tell Donatella Versace that's she's really a man. lol

Hang on, I thought she was a man? http://chatterbusy.blogspot.com.au/2012 ... rgery.html
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

Bocefish's post did not specify who said that gay men were better than straight women, so I was just responding to the whole men being better than women bit, not who said it.
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

And my comment, joking, was not about Donatella's gender, but an example of a woman who is a famous fashion person.
 
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Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

I know nothing about fashion, or makeup, or hair care, or any of that girly stuffs.

Computers, video games, and certain anime, I'm your girl!
(yes, I'm straight, no, I'm taken)
 
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Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

Anyway....back on topic; I thought the letter was brilliant, and I wish more people in pro sports would step out in support of marriage equality.
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

I wish more athletes would get involved. I love looking back to the 60s and seeing Jim Brown and Bill Russell etc fully involved with change and using their fame and profession for more than just a way to make money.
 
Re: “They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonste

I just heard about this on the radio today. They first read the letter from the Mayor to Bisciotti and I was appalled. I'm glad Kluwe CCed the media with his reply. I got a good chuckle.
 
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